Hate being asexual! Please Help!

[upsetasexual]

I'm 16 years old, and have never been in a romantic relationship before, but have realized that the idea of sex has never appealed to me. In fact, I find it repulsive. Every time I watch tv or movies, and sex scenes come on, or people talk about it, it makes me cringe. I have bad childhood memories. But I want to be normal, like the rest of my friends. They all want to have sex, or fantasize about it, and I always feel left out. I never have sexual feelings, or as my friends say, felt "horny". I've always wanted a boyfriend. I wish for one on every shooting star I see (lol), and pray every night that I'll get one, but I'm scared that they'll think I'm weird and not normal because I don't want to have sex. I want to get married, but just the thought of a man touching me in a sexual way makes me nauseous and start to shake. I just want to be normal, and my parents say that it's okay that I don't feel like how everyone else feels, but I just want to be normal and accepted. Is there any way that I can start to like the idea of sex? I really want to be normal, and I don't want guys or anyone else to judge me. I get judged everyday by people at my school, and this would be another thing to add to their list of judgements. Whenever I start to think about the fact that I should like sex, or try to imagine myself in sexual situations, I have panic attacks. Please help me. I just want to be like everyone else. And I don't mean to offend people when I say that it's not normal to be asexual. I"m not trying to come off as offensive or rude. I'm just scared for my future, and want to be accepted by society. Please, can anyone help me?

[Scottthespy]

There is no way to change your sexuality purposefully...but take heart in the fact that sexuality can be fluid, and you are young still. There is much time for your situation to change. You could be a later bloomer, you could simply be sex repulsed and not actually asexual, since asexual means 'not sexualy atracted', not simplly 'does not want sex'. You say you want a boyfriend, so you know your romantic orentation at least. You also say you want to be married some day...you could tell people you're saving yourself for marriage for the time being. Some will still think you're weird, but in a less 'there's something wrong with you' kind of way. And more people will be out and out proud of your 'self control'. The best advice any one can offer you though, is to try and be comfortable with who you acctually are. In twenty years, being accepted by the cheerleaders at highschool wont matter nearly as much as being accepted by yourself. Confidence is one of the most attractive traits a person can have. Being sure of and comfortable with yourself will take you much farther than 'fitting in' with a judgmenal crowd. I'll tell you a quote, though I don't remember the source, that changed my life for the better: Those who mind, don't matter. And those who matter, don't mind. The people who should be most important are the ones who will accept you no matter you're situation, and those who won't accept you...who cares about them? They arent the people you want to associate yourself with anyway. Trying to change this will likely result in a lot of anxiety and bad memories for you, if you try to force the physical side of things on yourself. Accepting this peice of yourself may net you the perfect boyfriend who wants as little sex as you do.

[Hikuroi]

I was the same at 16 except I didn't know about asexuality so I felt worse I think. I always thought there was something wrong with me and the few times I told people they just said " you haven't met the right guy" which made me really angry. One of my friends hardly ever talked about anything but sex and wrote manga about it and watched ettchi and yaoi themed anime then talked about it at school. I've never had a boyfriend and wish for one as badly as you do. Once I found out about this orientation and this website I was apprehensive at first and I was thinking "that sounds like me but I'm not sure" I researched and thought a lot and thought about it for about 2 months before I started identifying as asexual. Sometimes I see all my friends in these happy relationships and I think maybe people would date me if I wasn't asexual and maybe life would be easier. However it's probably better this way, You don't have to deal with normal relationship problems that sexual couples deal with like worrying about if they can perform well froe their partner and if their partner can perform well for them. No one is normal and everyone has problems and everyone will judge the people around them no matter what. If you try to embrace your asexuality instead of deny it things will be a little easier mentally for you. Not everyone will understand and some will try to argue without knowing anything. My own family judges my every move and talks about me to each other. Once I wore black nail polish and instead of talking to me, my uncle looked at my mom and asked her when I turned emo. And I was thinking "really? How rude!", he also saw my twelve year old sister wearing eye liner (she's experimenting with make up) and behind her back told my aunt she looked like a 3 cent whore. In front of me! He's not the only one who does it either. My grandma thinks that since I listen to metal I'm going to worship saten. My other grandma tells me every time she sees me that I need to loose weight. Nothing will stop people from judging you, you could be perfect inside and out and people would call you names behind your back and some might to your face but they will judge you. I don't want you to read this and feel self conscious like everyone is watching you and judging silently but to tell you that you are fine. And nothing is wrong with you (I don't know your personality but I'm sure your nice) and you don't need to fit into society perfectly because no one does. Society frowns on metal music and the metal heads I've met have been the nicest people I've met. The "emos" and "scene kids" I've met have been nothing but nice. You should embrace who you are and I know that's far more difficult said than done but it's the only way to be happy. I hope I've helped and if I have and you want to talk, you can talk to me ok ^_^ I hope you figure everything out someday! :D

[Mx.Jekyll]

First off, you are normal. There is no set standard of normality. Everyone is normal.

Second, as far as I know...there is no way to change your sexuality. You are still young and your perspective may change in time because sexuality can be fluid. That's not saying it's guaranteed though.

I think the best thing is for you to accept that this is the way you are. It can be difficult and often times frustrating, but it's okay.

Look into yourself. Is there something else that could be causing your self repulsive tendencies?

If so, you could look into educating yourself a bit more in order to more accept the idea of sex in order to become more comfortable with it.

Obviously you should never push yourself into something you aren't comfortable with, but researching on my own and gaining sex education and perspective has helped me with my own repulsion. By that meaning that I no longer feel repulsed. That may or may not happen to you.

If you'd like to get more information, check out Laci Green and Sexplanations with Dr.Doe...both on Youtube. You could start with their Asexuality videos and work from there.

I wish you all the best in learning and accepting yourself. If you ever need someone to talk to, shoot me a message.

*sex repulsive tendencies...not self. Oops.

[DragonSoulWithin]

Although you can't intentionally change your sexuality, sexuality can be fluid. You may identify as asexual now, but that might not always be the case. Also, being asexual doesn't mean you aren't 'normal'. There really isn't a good standard for normal, just be yourself. I hope this helps, and best of luck to you!

[realm96]

There's nothing wrong with being ace. Personally, I'm sex-repulsed to a degree too. I love joining in on sex jokes and I'm better at making them then a lot of my friends. For me, it's just the idea of having sex and when some of my friends get a bit too detailed that is when I change the subject. I'm 18 now but until last year, I had some major problems with accepting myself as anything. All I wanted was to be just like everyone else. I took this to an extreme and it made me miserable. I developed an eating disorder when I was in middle school that I still struggle with. I got involved with a really bad crowd and got into the drug scene. I was exactly like everyone else. I went to parties and talked shit about people I knew nothing about. But none of that made me happy. I ended up getting really depressed but I kept telling myself that it was better to be just like everyone else and I would learn to like everything they did. I was so good at acting like I was happy that no one knew that there was ever anything wrong. To this day, my parents have no clue about my eating disorder or my depression. They only know about the drugs because my sister came home high and told them (which, in hindsight, probably saved my life). But I'm getting off topic. The point is that I was so good at pretending I was happy that no one ever even guessed that I was completely miserable.

Last year, I met some new people and without even knowing what they were doing, they helped me come to terms with myself. I stopped living for the sake of others and I started living for myself. It took a long time, but now that I'm not trying to be someone else, I'm a lot happier. I'm still friends with a lot of people that I probably shouldn't be; but now I'm not trying to become a carbon copy of them. It's much less exhausting and a thousand times more fulfilling being myself (not to mention a lot healthier). I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can dedicate yourself to putting on a show for everyone else 24/7, but it's not a good idea in the long run. If no one knows who you really are, then you're alone and it sucks. If you're completely "normal" then you most likely end up surrounded by people and you might never be more alone. I know that it can be really hard to be yourself especially if you're scared that 'yourself' isn't good enough. Here's a secret though: You are good enough. You are worth it. You have the ability to be the only 'you' in the world. Even if the people who make up your life right now can't accept you for who you are, there are plenty of other people who can. Those are the people you should dedicate yourself to.

[Meemo]

I'm also 16, have had no sexual/romantic experience,TV sex/kissing scenes are just things I will never watch, and I also would like to be a bit more 'normal'. But as everyone else has said, there is no way around sexuality unless it changes naturally. I suggest that you stay away from sexual situations altogether if the thought gives you panic attacks, 'cause it could end you up in a dangerous situation. The only thing I can suggest is that you surround yourself with accepting people, or people similar who you can much easily fit in with. There are surely some online asexual forums specifically designed to meet new people, and who knows, you might find a special someone on there ;)

That being said, if you've never actually been in a relationship or had any sexual encounters, perhaps you should wait until you have a boyfriend/girlfriend and see if your feelings toward it changes. Also, you don't need to let people know about your sexuality if you don't want to. Your private life can be as personal and private as you like, and your indifference towards sex can be kept a secret if you want it to. The only people who need to know are you, and your future partner, so if you feel like you're gonna be judged or discriminated against, conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. (Sorry I can't help Disney references). I hope this helped, and I hope you feel more comfortable with yourself soon :)

[Lydian]

Nobody is normal and everybody is gonna be judged for something by society. Trying to fit in is a futile struggle that will get you nowhere. You're better off just being you and dealing with it because honestly who gives a fuck what other people think if you like the way you are? Try to be like everyone else and you're bound to fail because there is no such thing as normal, you will never please everyone, you'll never be happy trying to be something or someone you're not, and people will judge you anyway.

While I'll admit finding a partner when you're ace is a challenge and I've had times I'm annoyed by being ace too, there's no point lamenting about the way you are and trying to change what can't be changed. You wont be happy forcing yourself to pretend you're sexual though, so there's no point doing that. You just have to take what life gives you, be honest with potential partners and wait it out. You're young and romance is overrated. You've got your whole life to find somebody and to figure out who you are so don't ruin it by rushing to find someone by trying to cram yourself into the imaginary box known as 'normal'.

[nerdisms]

I absolutely agree with everyone here. You are normal, and if you think otherwise, I think of it this way, being normal is overrated. When I was growing up(I'm 25 now), I thought I was weird because I wasn't interested in girls. Then in high school I came out as gay, everyone accepted it no questions. The past 4 years or so(since I actually became sexually active) its always felt more like a chore and I just wasn't into it. I've always had a high "sex drive" but honestly never wanted anyone else to touch me, I'd rather just handle it myself. After I found out I might've been ace I looked into it more and I'm in that grey area of ace. Not once since I came out as gay did I think of myself as weird or not normal. It was more out of place, as I've come out as ace I've realized people who have a problem with it, its them that have the problem not me. I've learned who my friends are, they don't care, they still accept me for who I am, not what society says is "normal".

[LostWestGirl]

dont worry i feel the same as you, and ive only come to this realization today at the age of 22. i have been waiting years to become normal, i just figured i needed to find the way to fix myself (lose more weight, jump in the deep end). but after finding out i am asexual and every post just says its who you are and you cant change it, although i dont want to i guess i will just have to accept who i am. Even though i didnt know what i was i confided in my best friend how i felt and how i had never had a crush etc and it felt good to know that someone knows the real me. she was so understanding and just makes sly jokes about it from time to time, to make light of what i hate about myself so i hate it less.

confide in a friend that you really trust, if she is a true friend she will understand and help you accept who you are.

xxxxxxxxxxx

[Guest]

If you are unhappy then I would advise that you consider seeing a psychologist. They should be able to help you with your sex repulsion and help you accept yourself and be happy with who you are, even if your innate sexuality cannot be changed. If you do then make sure beforehand that the person you see is open to the idea of asexuality. Also, although many people identify their sexuality at a younger age than you, everyone is different and it is possible that you are simply not fully matured into your sexuality yet, everyone develops at different speeds. Keep an open mind and do what you can to be happy and accepting of yourself now, whilst realising that things can change a great deal during your late teens and early 20s, and even later in life.