experience regarding name disphoria

[binary suns]

Hello,

I am 24, and have difficulty feeling identified by my name.

It is not an issue of trans* for me, or even my gender! altho at this point in my life, I am wishing I had a gender neutral name...

what it is for me, is that I cannot pronounce my name, nor can I spell it, with any amount of success rate. If someone asks for my name, I am more inclined to present my license....

Anyway, the reason for my posting is.... has anyone here have insight on being uncomfortable with a given name? I have also noticed a few other people worrying about it, in places around the forum, and I thought that maybe the perspective from someone who has met many people who had to find real solutions would be very helpful? rather than just the thoughts and musings of use younguns not knowing what to do...

is it common, to legally change a name? unofficially use an alternative?

also, to those of you I haven't met yet, Hullooo! and have some cake! :) *waves*

[the bumbling rotifer]

I hate my name, partly a gender dysphoria thing, and partly because the shortened version of my first name that I was brought up with rhymes with my surname, which makes it sound so stupid. Damn my parents >.<

I've been trying to transition to my full first name by introducing myself as that to any people I meet, but it's not working, because old acquaintances keep on introducing me based on my shorter name.

So yeah, I can empathise.

[DerkhanBlue]

Ha, I know what you mean, I'm not a fan of speaking my own name either. I just can't feel it. I really wish it was more gender neutral, or that there were a possibility to shorten it to more neutrality. It's also got creative spelling due to transcription rules from the cyrillic to the latin alphabet, which adds having to spell my name to the issues I have with it.

I've been in an ongoing campaign to make people forget it and use my preferred alternative (which is just a russian version of my given name, but one I associtae less.. girlish things with and when asked why, I can say that's just what I'm used to from home) and succeeding in my immediate friend circle has made me much more content. I'd love to legally change my name, but this would bring about a tonne of other problems. Like, I plan to possibly live in english speaking countries in the future, at least for a time, and my british friends have trouble pronouncing my preffered name AND there's the issue of how to spell it, AGAIN. I'm using the german spelling now because I dislike how the english looks, but that would make pronounciation basically a huge mess :D

One day, I will find a way to resolve the issue :D

[Guest]

I have a hard time with mine. It's not a gender thing, I just don't really like it.

It has an "r" sound in the middle...I struggle with "r" sounds (a combination of a stutter that comes and goes and my generally weird accent), so I can't even say my own name properly. It's also apparently hard for other people to say/spell/remember...I get countless different spelling variations on cards/emails/etc and I often get called other random names.

My friends also insist on shortening it to a collection of other names, but I hate those even more.

I would love to change it, but I really don't know what to.

[PiF]

You've said it's not gender related but more others can't spell it??

simple..if your in the states you can just call yourself a new name for free and go from there..or you can pay a small sum and change it in papers too

in the u.k. for a sum of about £42 you can change your name legally but...your national insurance number will remain the same as will your birth certificate...I believe the only exception to this is when a trans changes in either direction.

it's easy to change...thing to remember is additional cost if any..example...a passport after a legal name change will cost you in the u.k. now around £70

.

[LaMaestra]

Can I identify with this or what! I bloody hate my original name. So I changed it in 1981 and now call myself by the name of the female celebrity I most admire.

It is not a particularly 'ridiculous' name or anything like that. I just can't stand it.

[binary suns]

did you legally change it, or just adopt it as the name you commonly use? do you have to sign by the given name, or is the given name now essentially a ghost, in the past?

[LaMaestra]

I first just adopted it then made it legal in 1987. Once the change is legal here, the new name becomes your 'official' name.

[Moonchaser]

I haven't experienced this, but I don't see why you couldn't simply have your name changed. Whether it's common to do or not shouldn't be an issue. Whether you want to do it is what counts. I know someone who changed her name when she entered her profession, as a hair sytlist, and it took getting used to for those who know her, but really I don't think anyone thought it was a big deal or a problem. I had a work friend who went by her first name for a long time and after her divorce decided to go by her middle name, which she preferred. No big deal. As I said, it's an adjustment for people, but people adjust.

I'd be poring over baby name books, if it were me, and saving up for any legal fees. :)

[Zash]

I don't use my real name that much, but it is mainly because it is so common that it just gets annoying. 8 people in my high school year had my name, for example.

So most people just call me Zash now. Mainly because everyone else is calling me Zash, so someone new just goes along with it.

[SnapeFan4Life]

I've never identified with my first or (maiden) last name. I too prefer gender-neutral so I thought about it a lot and was finally able to start telling people I prefer going by my middle initial, M. It feels much better.

Sometimes people won't understand or try, and that's their problem.

If you find a name you love, let your friends know. My friend S said, "Oh, if you prefer that, I'll just put it in my phone so I won't forget!" <3

Also, my therapist said people change their names all the time and that I don't have to feel weird about it. She told me stories about people she knew that changed their names when they were older.

I hope to eventually legally change my name to something gender neutral, but for now I'm perfectly happy with M.

Good luck!

[FoxyMulder]

I've recently started going by the name Alex because my given name makes me uncomfortable because it's not gender neutral. As of right now I only use the name with incredibly close friends and my online circles. (I'm hesitant to ask family to make the switch because changing names, for me, is tied to my gender and it would force a coming out that I'm not ready for). I want to legally change my name in the future though.

I don't think it's really all that uncommon to change your name. My own mother looked into it for herself, but eventually decided it was too expensive (it costs between 150 to 500 dollars in the US).

You could always try going by a different name online for awhile and see how it feels for you. If you like it and are comfortable with it then make the transition to asking people in your daily life to call you that. That's what I suggest anyway.

[jksummer]

It's not that unusual to change a name, women frequently change their last name with marriage, and sometimes change it back after a divorce. The general rule is as long as there is no intention to defraud, you can legally change your name, there will be an administrative fee, and possibly a court appearance involved. Also, many people go by a nickname, so if you have a name you'd rather be called just use it. Of course, in any legal matter, you'd have to use your given name.

Using a name you are comfortable with can only help your frame of mind.

[Skywolf]

My RL name is a TOTALLY different ethnicity (I hope that's the right word) than I am. So..I get a lot of obnoxious comments about that. Not gender disphoria..but name not fitting who I am, I guess. I mean, I like my name, but it's given me a tiny bit of negative feeling towards it.

[Mycroft is Yourcroft]

I changed my name earlier this year, because half my name didn't even have any meaning to me (I have 3 given names and one family name). I basically shortened my birth name, replaced one of my middle names with it, added another I liked more, kept my family name and gave myself my favourite name as a first name.

It works for me because all my old friends still refer to me by my original shortened name, but seeing as it's one of my middle names it's not too confusing to explain. As PiF said, the actual changing was very simple: I was in and out in 15 minutes, just had to sign a couple of times on the document, and it was only £42. What was more expensive was the passport change, and because I'm dual nationality, I had to do it two times -_-

People are usually pretty shocked when you say you've changed your name, and they often ask 'Why?' though if you try to explain it just seems to confuse them even more haha. There was also quite a bit of gossip surrounding my name change; people assumed that I'd had a falling out with my family and was trying to distance myself from them, was obviously wasn't true (otherwise I wouldn't have kept my family name!).

So I've had an interesting experience in changing my name, though I wouldn't necessarily say it was hard or arduous. Once you remember to tell all the banks, utilities companies, licence registration offices etc. it's taken care of, legally (unless you want to get it legalised which really is a pain in the bum!).

[tantric_cuddles]

I despise my full name for many reasons. It's biblical, has a certain racial aspect to it, is impossible to spell phonetically, and is much too close to another name along the same lines which happens to be my brother's name. I get called by my brother's name by people who didn't realize I even had a brother. I go by a shortened version of it, but it often sounds childish and just as confusing. Then a popular TV show came out with their female lead having the same name as me, so now people assume I'm a girl based on my name. I don't mind that, really, as I can be quite girly at times, but still it's a problem with my name I'd like to change.

I've been in the process of changing my name for a few years now, but can't seem to bring myself to file the paperwork.

[Guest]

I don't like mine, and pretty much don't ever use it outside of official documents and such stuff. It's mostly a matter of "family dysphoria", so to say - even though gender/sex dysphoria does play some part in it, too, the much more important aspect is that growing up in my family was mostly not a nice experience, to say the least, and I can't help but bristle involuntarily if someone else calls me by the name my blood kin call(ed) me by.

I've pretty much completely gone by nicknames to everyone else outside my family ever since I was 14 or so; there are, of course, lots of folks who know my "passport name", but they accept to call me by either the one I go by nowadays, or by the one I've gone by in my teens and twens - to people I consider friends nowadays, including the gal I'm in a relationship with, I'm always B., not M.... M. pretty much is just "the guy who officially signs his name on the datapad when receiving packages addressed to me". ^_^ I'll accept being called M. by my sister and my aunt, but yeah, that's about it. If it weren't such a legal fuss (and I weren't such a lazy git... ) I might even get it officially changed, but seeing as I'm lucky enough to be with folks who already accept it this way, I don't bother with jumping through tons of bureaucratic hoops for it.

ETA: Interestingly, many people also call R., the gal I'm with, not by her name, but by a variation of the username she goes with in most places online (that has nothing to do with her given name). I myself call her by either her name or that nickname, about half and half. It's odd how this thread here made me realize for the first time that that's kindasorta another thing her & me have in common, ^_^

[Cayce]

My birth name was very gender specific and it chafed as soon as I figured it out at around age 5-6. Very much a gender issue for me, at the time it was uncommon for someone to change their name for anything other than marital status.

By the time I was 28 it was literally suffocating and I had it legally changed. My father objected strenuously and refused to acknowledge it, and in fact would not let my mother, who was alright with it, either speak it or write it. That holds true to this day, he will only use my birth name, he also told me to stay away from 'his' family with 'that' name. This was 25 years ago. He has never spoken or written it and I have not seen any of the extended family, most of which have died off by now.

It was a great expense to be myself, even if only in name. One which I do not regret, if nothing else it has let me see exactly how completely un-accepting of me my father is. He is in ill health and dying soon. Then I will feel able to take other steps in becoming myself without the fear it will backlash onto my mother. I have waited out of regard for her as she is a sweet soul and I saw it take a toll on her.

Ironically, both of them have used nicknames all of their adult lives, just not making it legal.

The actual process was simple, fill out a form, stand in front of a judge and pick-up paperwork. Then it was like an expanded version of changing address. Of course this was a long time ago and I imagine some of that may be different now, hopefully even easier. :)

[Eliot]

I don't think I qualify as "older" but as soon as I saw the title of this thread I immediately identified with the concept.

My given name is severely female (though baby name websites often list it as both a male and female name, it definitely sounds quite feminine). Even shortened, it carries that connotation with it. My middle name...same deal, and being called by my last name would be a pain because it's practically unpronounceable. I've considered going by my initials, but it doesn't roll off the tongue like other initial pairings do. When I was attending university I introduced myself to a group I spent time with by the name of one of my favorite fictional characters, and it felt quite good. I go by a shortened version of my typical username on other sites, and on here, I chose Eliot, which feels safely gender-neutral (as well as being a name I like).

I'm not sure what I'll do in the future; it likely depends on whether or not I come out as non-binary to my family--they're extremely conservative and religious and it would be...interesting if I did.

[vervain]

oups, I missed this, but it really speaks to me. I too thought of it as a type of dysphoria -- not a gender issue, not a trans* issue, but a name that didn't fit me in any way. In a sense I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often, because people (of necessity) name their children way before they have any idea of the person the child is going to become and what name would be appropriate.

I held off from changing mine for a while. I was worried it would be complicated or expensive. I was so wrong on both counts -- it couldn't have been simpler (even when telling the banks, insurance companies and so forth) and it was very cheap.

But to be honest even if it had cost oodles of money it would have been worth it. My life felt so different once I did not have the spectre of my "real" name hanging over me. Just little things: no more filling forms in as Peppermint, no more letters from the bank to Peppermint, no more explaining to teachers or employers that although the ID and stuff says Peppermint I'm actually Vervain. Once there was a time I was out with some friends on holiday and they started showing each other their awful passport photos to laugh at. I was about to get mine out to join in the fun, but at the last moment I remembered it said Peppermint Plant though I'm Vervain Plant for them and always have been. I wasn't Peppermint, at all, ever, but the passport said that was my "real" name. It would have hurt terribly if they had seen that officialdom decreed I had any name other than the one I chose and used and fitted. I felt so cold and standoffish pretending that I wasn't interested in their game :( I wanted so much to share in it... (hell why can't I find a crying emoticon? I literally am crying remembering it).

I regret that I didn't change it earlier -- some things, such as exam certificates, can't be changed because they are historical documents and were true at the time. So my degree certificate is for Peppermint. That's irritating, because I use my degree subject in my work, I love the subject, it is a big part of who I am and so it's strange to see the certificate of something so me in a name that isn't mine. But my professional qualification is as Vervain. And I'm so glad I got it changed before I qualified, so the really crucial certificate is as ME.

Progressively the Peppermint-labelled things have less power to hurt me, because now officialdom has only heard of Vervain. (the wording of the name change document was marvellously satisfying in this respect -- it said something like, I renounce the name Peppermint for all time, which was exactly what I wanted :twisted:).

[5_♦♣]

I used to hate my name, especially in school as my teachers (except one) got it wrong. And I even considered changing it, but then, I started to like my name when I realized my parents could have done far worse in naming me.

[LaMaestra]

I used to hate my name, especially in school as my teachers (except one) got it wrong. And I even considered changing it, but then, I started to like my name when I realized my parents could have done far worse in naming me.

So right, they could have given you my original name!

[RoswellValentine]

Recently, I've told my friends to call me Micah, but this isn't helping me a lot because I'm starting college soon and used my birth name (having done applications stuff before working out my gender and a gender-neutral name). I keep thinking about the possibility of letting my professors and roommates know, though the possibilities for what may happen keeps holding me back.

Part of the reason I don't like my given name is people going "Hi [given name]!" Makes me cringe every time. My given name is also gendered, which I didn't want people to hear my name and then gender me as female.

I apologize for not seeing the "older" sooner, since I don't particularly qualify.

[LaMaestra]

Recently, I've told my friends to call me Micah, but this isn't helping me a lot because I'm starting college soon and used my birth name (having done applications stuff before working out my gender and a gender-neutral name). I keep thinking about the possibility of letting my professors and roommates know, though the possibilities for what may happen keeps holding me back.

Part of the reason I don't like my given name is people going "Hi [given name]!" Makes me cringe every time. My given name is also gendered, which I didn't want people to hear my name and then gender me as female.

I apologize for not seeing the "older" sooner, since I don't particularly qualify.

All are welcome to join in, so no worries.

[RoswellValentine]

Recently, I've told my friends to call me Micah, but this isn't helping me a lot because I'm starting college soon and used my birth name (having done applications stuff before working out my gender and a gender-neutral name). I keep thinking about the possibility of letting my professors and roommates know, though the possibilities for what may happen keeps holding me back.

Part of the reason I don't like my given name is people going "Hi [given name]!" Makes me cringe every time. My given name is also gendered, which I didn't want people to hear my name and then gender me as female.

I apologize for not seeing the "older" sooner, since I don't particularly qualify.

All are welcome to join in, so no worries.

Now that I think of it and look in the "Older Asexuals" forum, there are threads for twenty-somethings, and it won't be long before I'm one of them. :V Good to know, LaMaestra.

[Tortitude]

My name is neutral, though it was rather uncommon when I was a child and much more common for females now. With a spelling variation, my middle name could go either way, also. I never really liked my name much when I was growing up, because people would morph it into a nickname I didn't much like and/or tell me I had a boy's name (regardless, it was MY name). It has grown on me, though, and a woman the next desk over shares my first name. Much hilarity ensues when we get each other's voice messages (I do like to find humor where I can).

On the other hand, I hate it when people say my name repeatedly in conversation. Somewhere along the way, they have heard that people love the sound of their names, so why not use them ad naseum in conversation. I find this incredibly annoying.

[truthisbest7]

My mother named me Linda. Always liked the name because not many people had it. So yeah, its cool. But since the asexual thing I have changed how I look at my name and as much as I like it I feel as though I want people to view me more as a person not as a particular "sex". I feel very androgynous and would like people to see me the way I see myself. So what do u all think of "Lin"? Hey, it presents itself.....?

[LaMaestra]

Most of the Lindas I know use Lin, so why not?

[genderirrelevant]

I never thought much about my name (uncommon but not in a 'stigmatizing' way) until high school when several people got it wrong when they tried to introduce me to others. Somehow that really bugged me and it coincided with me becoming more aware that I didn't especially identify with my female classmates. Right after high school I started using a gender-neutral name (altho maybe 90% of people using it are male) and I legally changed it 6 years later while at uni (age 24). Over 20 years later everyone thinks my name is very suited to me and I have never regretted changing it despite having to spell it frequently (it's 2 initials for fuck's sake!).

If you want to change your name, go for it! I think it definitely helped that when I was switching that I was meeting a lot of new people and not seeing the old crowd as much but everyone (even my parents) was pretty cool with it.

[korik]

I kind of like my full first name, except that no one is able to pronounce it! Especially reading it, but sometimes even after I TELL people. (it's like they don't believe me,.. and pronounce it wrong just to spite me,... or something! I don't know.)

But I have a different problemwith my name... a mostly self-made problem.

I don't use my real name online, even on facebook. I use my nick-name. Which I really don't care for! It's just a user-name!! So, some of my friends whom I've met online, then met in person, call me by my nickname and I HATE it. (especially when they introduce me to Their friends/family by using my nickname.) Also, some of my clients call me by my nickname because I was using a "doing business as" name that used my nickname. Even though I sign private emails, etc. with my full name, and ask for checks to be signed out to my full name, they still call me by my nickname.

It was a mistake. People can't take the hint that I prefer to be called by my full name. - One of my friends even got me a gift membership to a museum and had the card made out to my nickname... serisously?! You DO know that's not my name right?? (not that I don't appreciate the gift. It's just NOT my name! - It's just what I use online!!)