Defining asexuality - a better definition?

[Kalidas]

Now question, how would desire effect those who have a sexuality but do not desire sex (are sex repulsed) due to a traumatic event? It happens so do they magicly become asexual? I sure jope not lol but that is something that will come up.

I like this because it represents those asexual people who do have a history of mental illness or sexual abuse and doesn't invalidate their sexual orientation because of that:

Oh so you WOULD include people that at one time had a sexuality but lost it because of trauma? Not judging here just asking.

[binary suns]

But think that what she was talking about is activity. Telling someone they cant "join the club" if you partake in activities a,b, or c. Asexuality as is the case with ANY sexuality should be determined by who we are and not what we do. But I have not heard you or anyone asking for the defenition to be activity driven.

There's a point where activity becomes a pretty dang strong indicator, though. Note how I said "actively seeking out sex several times daily", not just "having sex". We, of course, should never go for "you had sex, you can't be ace", and I sure didn't suggest we do that.

But neither should we go for "you clearly desire partnered sex very very much and thus have it far more often than the average Joe Schmoe, but you used the magic word to describe it, so it's all okeydokey fine, you're in".

yes that is what I meant - if the person is actively seeking out sex, there is something that is driving them to have sex. I would argue it is possible to actively seek sex and be asexual, but either way it would be pretty obvious once you know the reason if it is sexual motivation or something else. but if someone isn't actively seeking out sex but is engaging in it regularly, it is definitely wrong to say "you can't be asexual" because we should know in this case that we need more information.

maybe i misread or misunderstood, but it definitely felt to me like what was being said was that under no circumstance could someone who is very sexually active be an asexual. and that really scares me, because I start thinking about people who are having lots of sex against their primary inhibition, and what would drive them to do that, and I only think of pain and sadness, and how the statement was rejecting them completely without empathy etc. stuff. *weird*

Like me I seek sex, but only when currently arroused, with my wife, and not fir the sake of sex itself(masturbation is equally pleasant for me) but because it serves multiple purposes I find to make it slightly more preferable to masturbation. But I already have to be currently arroused, I dont look for arrousal, and I couldnt even fathom sex with ANYONE but my wife. Outside of a relationship I dont look for sex at all,its utterly a waste of time.

Sometimes I almost feel like Im cheating lol. Like most aces avoid sex and Im like... I dont mind it so if Im "in the mood" why not?

I imagine myself in such a scenario as well. I don't think sex is all that great, but I think that masturbation is physically awkward and if I'm having sex with someone gray or someone like me than at least my awkward libido is benefitting someone.

but I have nothing sexual that drives me to finding a partner, and I would refuse to have sex with someone who I don't deeply trust and who I don't share mutual care with. and that isn't demi, either, it's not that i suddenly am attracted to them.

personally I'm probably comfortable with the term cupiosexual, if that is indeed something supported? I don't do very well to research things I get all mistrustful and confused

[Geo]

I've also been having some ideas for a list of common misconceptions about the desire-based definition. If someone makes a new thread, it might be nice to have something about "What the Desire-Based Definition Isn't" on the first page. Maybe we could preclude some of the repetitive discussions that way. At the very least, it might be nice to have a ready-made list of explanations to reference when they do come up. I don't know about you all, but I get a bit tired of explaining how the desire for partnered sex is distinct from the desire to masturbate, how enjoyment and desire are not the same, and so on.

Also how somehow desire = behavior so because orientation =/= behavior then desire must be wrong. Like where does that even come from?

[Kalidas]

But think that what she was talking about is activity. Telling someone they cant "join the club" if you partake in activities a,b, or c. Asexuality as is the case with ANY sexuality should be determined by who we are and not what we do. But I have not heard you or anyone asking for the defenition to be activity driven.

There's a point where activity becomes a pretty dang strong indicator, though. Note how I said "actively seeking out sex several times daily", not just "having sex". We, of course, should never go for "you had sex, you can't be ace", and I sure didn't suggest we do that.

But neither should we go for "you clearly desire partnered sex very very much and thus have it far more often than the average Joe Schmoe, but you used the magic word to describe it, so it's all okeydokey fine, you're in".

yes that is what I meant - if the person is actively seeking out sex, there is something that is driving them to have sex. I would argue it is possible to actively seek sex and be asexual, but either way it would be pretty obvious once you know the reason if it is sexual motivation or something else. but if someone isn't actively seeking out sex but is engaging in it regularly, it is definitely wrong to say "you can't be asexual" because we should know in this case that we need more information.

maybe i misread or misunderstood, but it definitely felt to me like what was being said was that under no circumstance could someone who is very sexually active be an asexual. and that really scares me, because I start thinking about people who are having lots of sex against their primary inhibition, and what would drive them to do that, and I only think of pain and sadness, and how the statement was rejecting them completely without empathy etc. stuff. *weird*

Like me I seek sex, but only when currently arroused, with my wife, and not fir the sake of sex itself(masturbation is equally pleasant for me) but because it serves multiple purposes I find to make it slightly more preferable to masturbation. But I already have to be currently arroused, I dont look for arrousal, and I couldnt even fathom sex with ANYONE but my wife. Outside of a relationship I dont look for sex at all,its utterly a waste of time.

Sometimes I almost feel like Im cheating lol. Like most aces avoid sex and Im like... I dont mind it so if Im "in the mood" why not?

I imagine myself in such a scenario as well. I don't think sex is all that great, but I think that masturbation is physically awkward and if I'm having sex with someone gray or someone like me than at least my awkward libido is benefitting someone

Well my wife is sexual so she desires sex, more now than ever since shes all preggo(hormones man). So having sex with her instead of masturbating serves multiple purposes it makes her happy, improves the relationship, it is a form of intmacy(i like intmacy), it has other sensual feelings that I enjoy, etc etc etc. I still feel ace because I really could care less anout sex. Hell Im equally okay with mutual masturbation(everything on my checklist would be hit) but she likes sex so okay.

I've also been having some ideas for a list of common misconceptions about the desire-based definition. If someone makes a new thread, it might be nice to have something about "What the Desire-Based Definition Isn't" on the first page. Maybe we could preclude some of the repetitive discussions that way. At the very least, it might be nice to have a ready-made list of explanations to reference when they do come up. I don't know about you all, but I get a bit tired of explaining how the desire for partnered sex is distinct from the desire to masturbate, how enjoyment and desire are not the same, and so on.

Also how somehow desire = behavior so because orientation =/= behavior then desire must be wrong. Like where dose that even come from?

Well it comes from this idea. You have behavior A thus you must have desire A or else behavior A would be impossible. Which IS silly because behavior A may be result of desire B or C or D or etc etc etc.

[binary suns]

But think that what she was talking about is activity. Telling someone they cant "join the club" if you partake in activities a,b, or c. Asexuality as is the case with ANY sexuality should be determined by who we are and not what we do. But I have not heard you or anyone asking for the defenition to be activity driven.

There's a point where activity becomes a pretty dang strong indicator, though. Note how I said "actively seeking out sex several times daily", not just "having sex". We, of course, should never go for "you had sex, you can't be ace", and I sure didn't suggest we do that.

But neither should we go for "you clearly desire partnered sex very very much and thus have it far more often than the average Joe Schmoe, but you used the magic word to describe it, so it's all okeydokey fine, you're in".

yes that is what I meant - if the person is actively seeking out sex, there is something that is driving them to have sex. I would argue it is possible to actively seek sex and be asexual, but either way it would be pretty obvious once you know the reason if it is sexual motivation or something else. but if someone isn't actively seeking out sex but is engaging in it regularly, it is definitely wrong to say "you can't be asexual" because we should know in this case that we need more information.

maybe i misread or misunderstood, but it definitely felt to me like what was being said was that under no circumstance could someone who is very sexually active be an asexual. and that really scares me, because I start thinking about people who are having lots of sex against their primary inhibition, and what would drive them to do that, and I only think of pain and sadness, and how the statement was rejecting them completely without empathy etc. stuff. *weird*

Like me I seek sex, but only when currently arroused, with my wife, and not fir the sake of sex itself(masturbation is equally pleasant for me) but because it serves multiple purposes I find to make it slightly more preferable to masturbation. But I already have to be currently arroused, I dont look for arrousal, and I couldnt even fathom sex with ANYONE but my wife. Outside of a relationship I dont look for sex at all,its utterly a waste of time.

Sometimes I almost feel like Im cheating lol. Like most aces avoid sex and Im like... I dont mind it so if Im "in the mood" why not?

I imagine myself in such a scenario as well. I don't think sex is all that great, but I think that masturbation is physically awkward and if I'm having sex with someone gray or someone like me than at least my awkward libido is benefitting someone

Well my wife is sexual so she desires sex, more now than ever since shes all preggo(hormones man). So habing sex with her instead of masturbating serves multiple purposes it makes her happy, improves the relationship, it is a form of intmacy(i like intmacy), it has other sensual feelings that I enjoy, etc etc etc. I still feel ace because I really could care less anout sex. Hell Im equally okay with mutual masturbation(everything on my checklist would be hit) but she likes sex so okay.

sometimes it feels like every ace on the forums is repulsed by sex... it is relieving to meet someone who is like "whatever" and is still ace, like me :)

[Kalidas]

But think that what she was talking about is activity. Telling someone they cant "join the club" if you partake in activities a,b, or c. Asexuality as is the case with ANY sexuality should be determined by who we are and not what we do. But I have not heard you or anyone asking for the defenition to be activity driven.

There's a point where activity becomes a pretty dang strong indicator, though. Note how I said "actively seeking out sex several times daily", not just "having sex". We, of course, should never go for "you had sex, you can't be ace", and I sure didn't suggest we do that.

But neither should we go for "you clearly desire partnered sex very very much and thus have it far more often than the average Joe Schmoe, but you used the magic word to describe it, so it's all okeydokey fine, you're in".

yes that is what I meant - if the person is actively seeking out sex, there is something that is driving them to have sex. I would argue it is possible to actively seek sex and be asexual, but either way it would be pretty obvious once you know the reason if it is sexual motivation or something else. but if someone isn't actively seeking out sex but is engaging in it regularly, it is definitely wrong to say "you can't be asexual" because we should know in this case that we need more information.

maybe i misread or misunderstood, but it definitely felt to me like what was being said was that under no circumstance could someone who is very sexually active be an asexual. and that really scares me, because I start thinking about people who are having lots of sex against their primary inhibition, and what would drive them to do that, and I only think of pain and sadness, and how the statement was rejecting them completely without empathy etc. stuff. *weird*

Like me I seek sex, but only when currently arroused, with my wife, and not fir the sake of sex itself(masturbation is equally pleasant for me) but because it serves multiple purposes I find to make it slightly more preferable to masturbation. But I already have to be currently arroused, I dont look for arrousal, and I couldnt even fathom sex with ANYONE but my wife. Outside of a relationship I dont look for sex at all,its utterly a waste of time.

Sometimes I almost feel like Im cheating lol. Like most aces avoid sex and Im like... I dont mind it so if Im "in the mood" why not?

I imagine myself in such a scenario as well. I don't think sex is all that great, but I think that masturbation is physically awkward and if I'm having sex with someone gray or someone like me than at least my awkward libido is benefitting someone

Well my wife is sexual so she desires sex, more now than ever since shes all preggo(hormones man). So habing sex with her instead of masturbating serves multiple purposes it makes her happy, improves the relationship, it is a form of intmacy(i like intmacy), it has other sensual feelings that I enjoy, etc etc etc. I still feel ace because I really could care less anout sex. Hell Im equally okay with mutual masturbation(everything on my checklist would be hit) but she likes sex so okay.

sometimes it feels like every ace on the forums is repulsed by sex... it is relieving to meet someone who is like "whatever" and is still ace, like me :)

Yeah we exist, but we sure are rare. I actually understand where the repulsed people come from though. When you really think about sex it is pretty icky. I just dont care, its just meh what ever.

Now my willingness for sexy times is tied almost directly to my current video game obsession. LOL

[Notte stellata]

sometimes it feels like every ace on the forums is repulsed by sex... it is relieving to meet someone who is like "whatever" and is still ace, like me :)

Funny, I've heard repulsed aces say exactly the opposite...I'm also in the "open to sex" group, but I don't think either group is the absolute minority.

[Kalidas]

sometimes it feels like every ace on the forums is repulsed by sex... it is relieving to meet someone who is like "whatever" and is still ace, like me :)

Funny, I've heard repulsed aces say exactly the opposite...I'm also in the "open to sex" group, but I don't think either group is the absolute minority.

Well thats good. May e humans just naturally want to play the "victim" and thus notice when there is a lack of what they are.

Maybe it could be sex repulsed aces have a lot more problems. Open to sex aces can have pretty dang normal relationships with sexual people and as such probably live a life that is easier to associate with "normal". From the outside I look like a hetero male and even probably act like one(without having pictures of naked ladies in my garage). But the sex repulsed, they have legit problems navigating this world.

[binary suns]

yes. it is hard enough for me. I am not really sex repulsed, but sometimes I just feel so taken aback trying to navigate the social scene because of how often they talk about and refer to sex. sometimes it is even me who makes the references. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have to deal with feeling foreign on top of being repulsed by the very content too!

[Kalidas]

yes. it is hard enough for me. I am not really sex repulsed, but sometimes I just feel so taken aback trying to navigate the social scene because of how often they talk about and refer to sex. sometimes it is even me who makes the references. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have to deal with feeling foreign on top of being repulsed by the very content too!

Oh Im not like that at all lol. I have mo issues discussing sex or even making jokes. Just dont feel a need to do it. Sometimes I feel my asexuality will make me great at giving sex advice because I can view things without the worry of desire to cloud my judgement.

Though I have always had this one disconnect. The "manly" art of viewing women as sex objects. Never got into it. Always thought it was kind of sick. Its like "they are a person gawd damnit not your sex doll"... oh well.

[Frigid Pink]

Now question, how would desire effect those who have a sexuality but do not desire sex (are sex repulsed) due to a traumatic event? It happens so do they magicly become asexual? I sure jope not lol but that is something that will come up.

I like this because it represents those asexual people who do have a history of mental illness or sexual abuse and doesn't invalidate their sexual orientation because of that:

Oh so you WOULD include people that at one time had a sexuality but lost it because of trauma? Not judging here just asking.

No, and it's difficult for me to understand this particular question because I don't think "sexual trauma" changes (or even causes) a person's sexual orientation. Sexual trauma may or may not change or influence a person's sexual behaviors, attitudes, and/or feelings, however, I don't think it changes someone's sexual orientation and I certainly don't believe that it causes "asexuality" just as I don't believe it causes "straight" people to become "gay."

[binary suns]

yes. it is hard enough for me. I am not really sex repulsed, but sometimes I just feel so taken aback trying to navigate the social scene because of how often they talk about and refer to sex. sometimes it is even me who makes the references. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have to deal with feeling foreign on top of being repulsed by the very content too!

Oh Im not like that at all lol. I have mo issues discussing sex or even making jokes. Just dont feel a need to do it. Sometimes I feel my asexuality will make me great at giving sex advice because I can view things without the worry of desire to cloud my judgement.

I always am tempted to help someone out heh, but then I remember that my response is almost strictly "a little trouble? not worth! breakup" xD and then I feel bad and take it back and say, "a real relationship works through EVERYTHING"

[Kalidas]

Now question, how would desire effect those who have a sexuality but do not desire sex (are sex repulsed) due to a traumatic event? It happens so do they magicly become asexual? I sure jope not lol but that is something that will come up.

I like this because it represents those asexual people who do have a history of mental illness or sexual abuse and doesn't invalidate their sexual orientation because of that:

Oh so you WOULD include people that at one time had a sexuality but lost it because of trauma? Not judging here just asking.

No, and it's difficult for me to understand this particular question because I don't think "sexual trauma" changes (or even causes) a person's sexual orientation. Sexual trauma may or may not change or influence a person's sexual behaviors, attitudes, and/or feelings, however, I don't think it changes someone's sexual orientation and I certainly don't believe that it causes "asexuality" just as I don't believe it causes "straight" people to become "gay."

Well niether do I. What a silly concept that would be.

Here maybe I asked my question in an odd way. So imagine a woman who is heterosexual, she likes men, finds the, to be "hot", wants to have sex with men... all the things a normal heterosexual woman hoes through. But something terrible happens during a date (I wont go into details but you get what Im getting at). Now she has no desire for sex with men, the whole even has left her sex repulesed the thought of sex with men is terrible, and she has never been attracted to women that way. Obviously such a woman probably wouldnt be called asexual, but the desire is no longer there... so where would this poor girl "belong"?

[Arctangent]

Also, isn't this thread going to be archived next month? Does anyone else think it would be a good idea to make another?

I'd plea for excluding it from the usual archive rotation. Maybe even pinning it.

I think Lady Girl has heard your plea. :P

[Frigid Pink]

Now question, how would desire effect those who have a sexuality but do not desire sex (are sex repulsed) due to a traumatic event? It happens so do they magicly become asexual? I sure jope not lol but that is something that will come up.

I like this because it represents those asexual people who do have a history of mental illness or sexual abuse and doesn't invalidate their sexual orientation because of that:

Oh so you WOULD include people that at one time had a sexuality but lost it because of trauma? Not judging here just asking.

No, and it's difficult for me to understand this particular question because I don't think "sexual trauma" changes (or even causes) a person's sexual orientation. Sexual trauma may or may not change or influence a person's sexual behaviors, attitudes, and/or feelings, however, I don't think it changes someone's sexual orientation and I certainly don't believe that it causes "asexuality" just as I don't believe it causes "straight" people to become "gay."

Well niether do I. What a silly concept that would be.

Here maybe I asked my question in an odd way. So imagine a woman who is heterosexual, she likes men, finds the, to be "hot", wants to have sex with men... all the things a normal heterosexual woman hoes through. But something terrible happens during a date (I wont go into details but you get what Im getting at). Now she has no desire for sex with men, the whole even has left her sex repulesed the thought of sex with men is terrible, and she has never been attracted to women that way. Obviously such a woman probably wouldnt be called asexual, but the desire is no longer there... so where would this poor girl "belong"?

I think this question touches on the medical side of things and this is probably a person who needs to seek medical attention.

AVEN actually addresses this (in the Overview section):

"If you do not experience sexual arousal or if you suddenly lose interest in sex you should probably check with a doctor just to be safe."

"Most people on AVEN have been asexual for our entire lives. Just as people will rarely and unexpectedly go from being straight to gay, asexual people will rarely and unexpectedly become sexual or vice versa."

[Kalidas]

Now question, how would desire effect those who have a sexuality but do not desire sex (are sex repulsed) due to a traumatic event? It happens so do they magicly become asexual? I sure jope not lol but that is something that will come up.

I like this because it represents those asexual people who do have a history of mental illness or sexual abuse and doesn't invalidate their sexual orientation because of that:

Oh so you WOULD include people that at one time had a sexuality but lost it because of trauma? Not judging here just asking.

No, and it's difficult for me to understand this particular question because I don't think "sexual trauma" changes (or even causes) a person's sexual orientation. Sexual trauma may or may not change or influence a person's sexual behaviors, attitudes, and/or feelings, however, I don't think it changes someone's sexual orientation and I certainly don't believe that it causes "asexuality" just as I don't believe it causes "straight" people to become "gay."

Well niether do I. What a silly concept that would be.

Here maybe I asked my question in an odd way. So imagine a woman who is heterosexual, she likes men, finds the, to be "hot", wants to have sex with men... all the things a normal heterosexual woman hoes through. But something terrible happens during a date (I wont go into details but you get what Im getting at). Now she has no desire for sex with men, the whole even has left her sex repulesed the thought of sex with men is terrible, and she has never been attracted to women that way. Obviously such a woman probably wouldnt be called asexual, but the desire is no longer there... so where would this poor girl "belong"?

I think this question touches on the medical side of things and this is probably a person who needs to seek medical attention.

AVEN actually addresses this (in the Overview section):

"If you do not experience sexual arousal or if you suddenly lose interest in sex you should probably check with a doctor just to be safe."

"Most people on AVEN have been asexual for our entire lives. Just as people will rarely and unexpectedly go from being straight to gay, asexual people will rarely and unexpectedly become sexual or vice versa."

I see, just curious cause I could see people looking at this and claiming that mental illness causes asexuality, which people do anways sooo...

[Guest]

sometimes it feels like every ace on the forums is repulsed by sex... it is relieving to meet someone who is like "whatever" and is still ace, like me :)

Funny, I've heard repulsed aces say exactly the opposite...I'm also in the "open to sex" group, but I don't think either group is the absolute minority.

If I correctly remember a poll a good while ago to exactly that question, it turned out almost exactly 50:50 repulsed and non-repulsed aces.

I think that the problem is, as with every sitch where two very different groups face each other, we mostly remember the vocal extremists in the "enemy camp". Repulsed aces won't soon forget statements like "repulsion means you have issues and need therapy", or "repulsed people are bigots" any time soon (even though statements like the latter led to a - well deserved - ban of at least one user, I sure still bristle at having read that 'opinion' <_< ); on the other side, indifferent/favorable aces will likely have the "if you willingly have sex, you can't be a True Ace^TM" elitism burning in their heads, despite such statements, too, tending to get quickly and deservely curbed by the admods. So, to both groups, some indidvidual assholes in the other group will make it seem more pervasive, and likely more numerous as an effect.

Also, isn't this thread going to be archived next month? Does anyone else think it would be a good idea to make another?

I'd plea for excluding it from the usual archive rotation. Maybe even pinning it.

I think Lady Girl has heard your plea. :P

Wheeee, awesome! Not that LG's awesomeness surprises me at all anymore. ;)

[purplemutant]

I neglected this thread for a bit and a bunch of posts were made. But I am not gone. You can add me to the list of aces who are ok with sex. I like term sex favorable as the opposite of sex repulsed. The times I have had sex (all two of them) I enjoyed it. The best orgasms I have ever had involved someone else. If had ready access to a safe(er) sex parter, I might have sex on a regular basis. But I since I don't desire sex I can take it or leave it. I don't go out of my way to find sex, but I will partake if an opportunity arises. It's like cake at a party. I don't typically have a craving for cake. But if I were at a party and cake were offered I would probably have a slice (or two), because cake tastes good. So yea a person can have sex and lots of it and still be ace. It all comes down to desire. It's quite simple. If you can go for the rest of your life without sex and be fine, you are ace. If you wouldn't be fine then you are an allosexual. But just because you can go without sex, doesn't mean you have to.

A good definition of asexuality will naturally exclude people. It's not helpful to have people calling them selves aces if they really aren't. I don't care if you aren't "attracted" to people. If you experience an innate desire for sex with people, you aren't asexual. That would be like a man who desires sex with men saying they are straight simply because they aren't "attracted" to men. Besides, if understand correctly AVEN defines sexual attraction as the desire for sex. The definition I use is fairly broad in that it includes sex repulsed people as well as sex favorable people. So it's not really elitist in my book. But sometimes you have to say "sorry but you really aren't an asexual"

Mysticus. I apologize if my comment about the testosterone blockers was inappropriate. As a person with a disability I should have known better. You are obviously going to know more about your self and your situation than I am. It's unfortunate that in Germany it's so difficult to get testosterone blockers or castration. There used to be a doctor here who did castration on anyone who wanted it. Unfortunately doctors like that are hard to find. So people resort to the "doctor" in someones basement, or use farm equipment. If you do find a doc it's often times not cheap. I still don't quite understand why it's so cheap to do it on a dog but so damn expensive on a human? It must be the liability insurance.

Something else just came to mind. It's important to make it clear that the sexual desire is in regards to people. I experience a desire for sexual activity; but I don't need people to satisfy that. Sexual activities with other people would probably satisfy it, but so does masturbation. In the case of an allosexual masturbation is never able to fully satisfy the desire. Masturbation might be an ok temporarily, but eventually you will have to have sex with a person. That's why heterosexual men in prison end up having gay sex. If masturbation worked well enough they wouldn't end up having gay sex. If I get the itch someone else can scratch it, but I can scratch it too. It feels better if someone else does the scratching; but if I do the scratching the itch goes away just the same. If an allosexual scratches their itch, it may not itch quite as bad; but it still itches. Given enough time it will start itching as bad as it did before. The only way to relieve the itch is to have someone else do the scratching.

[Guest]

I dunno...I'm perfectly fine and happy with just masturbation. But then, I've never really had sex. So maybe that's part of it. And it would likely be different if I was in a relationship? In a relationship I would desire partnered sex, I'm pretty sure. Outside of that, I'm perfectly happy with just my own hands and fantasies.

I consider myself heterosexual, and really the more I read the more I'm convinced that's the case for me. I don't feel some sort of pull to have sex with any specific person, it's more like a potential thing. (ie It's not like "I want him in my room", it's more like "yeah, if I was in a relationship with someone I'd have sex...might as well be someone I like".) I would say I have an innate desire for sex now, I just don't necessarily need partnered sex to be satisfied.

[purplemutant]

I dunno...I'm perfectly fine and happy with just masturbation. But then, I've never really had sex. So maybe that's part of it. And it would likely be different if I was in a relationship? In a relationship I would desire partnered sex, I'm pretty sure. Outside of that, I'm perfectly happy with just my own hands and fantasies.

I consider myself heterosexual, and really the more I read the more I'm convinced that's the case for me. I don't feel some sort of pull to have sex with any specific person, it's more like a potential thing. (ie It's not like "I want him in my room", it's more like "yeah, if I was in a relationship with someone I'd have sex...might as well be someone I like".) I would say I have an innate desire for sex now, I just don't necessarily need partnered sex to be satisfied.

If you don't need partnered sex to satisfy your desire are you sure you aren't an asexual? Of course it's not my place to decide what label fits you best. I have desire; but I can take care of it my self. So the question is, do you desire partnered sex or just sexual activity? In my case I desire sexual activity; it doesn't have to be a with a person. This sort of thing is why we need a good definition of asexuality. If I am understanding what you wrote, you seem like an ace to me. However you don't identify as one.

That brings up the issue of labels for people who aren't aces. Many people use the term sexual. I don't really care for the term and prefer to use allosexual. I consider my self a sexual person because I experience sexual desire and enjoy sexual activity. However I am asexual because I don't experience an innate desire for sex with people. The term allosexual solves that dilemma. Also, some allosexuals aren't very sexual people. It wouldn't be appropriate in my mind to call an allosexual celibate a sexual. Celibates tend to not be very sexual. :P :lol: So an allosexual can be very non sexual and as an asexual can be very sexual.

[Guest]

I dunno...I'm perfectly fine and happy with just masturbation. But then, I've never really had sex. So maybe that's part of it. And it would likely be different if I was in a relationship? In a relationship I would desire partnered sex, I'm pretty sure. Outside of that, I'm perfectly happy with just my own hands and fantasies.

I consider myself heterosexual, and really the more I read the more I'm convinced that's the case for me. I don't feel some sort of pull to have sex with any specific person, it's more like a potential thing. (ie It's not like "I want him in my room", it's more like "yeah, if I was in a relationship with someone I'd have sex...might as well be someone I like".) I would say I have an innate desire for sex now, I just don't necessarily need partnered sex to be satisfied.

If you don't need partnered sex to satisfy your desire are you sure you aren't an asexual? Like I said, I have desire; but I can take care of it my self. So the question is, do you desire partnered sex or just sexual activity? In my case I desire sexual activity; it doesn't have to be a with a person. This sort of thing is why we need a good definition of asexuality. If I am understanding what you wrote, you seem like an ace to me. However you don't identify as one.

That brings up the issue of labels for people who aren't aces. Many people use the term sexual. I don't really care for the term and prefer to use allosexual. I consider my self a sexual person because I experience sexual desire and enjoy sexual activity. However I am asexual because I don't experience an innate desire for sex with people. The term allosexual solves that dilemma. Also, some allosexuals aren't very sexual people. It wouldn't be appropriate in my mind to call an allosexual celibate a sexual. Celibates tend to not be very sexual. :P :lol: So an allosexual can be very non sexual and as an asexual can be very sexual.

I went back and forth on the issue a lot since I've been here, really. It makes more sense to identify as allosexual until I get something that convinces me it's definitely not the case, I think.

I do remember thinking once, within the last few years, I would like to experience partnered sex one day. I think because I like the idea of it being a part of an emotionally close relationship.

I think I still want partnered sex, just not unless I'm in a relationship where I feel that'd be appropriate. I would say that ideally I would not get into a relationship with someone with no interest in eventual sex. That's not to say I definitely wouldn't: I'll give most things a chance, especially where people are concerned. But I would not say I'd be entirely on board with a (long term, committed) relationship with no sexual intimacy. I would want there to be some.

That's in a relationship, though. Outside of that...well, for me relationships are like--it'd be nice if it happened, but if not I'll rock the single life forever.

Is that innate sexual desire? I'd guess it is, but IDK. My guess would be that asexuals would be perfectly fine with, if not outright prefer, a sexless relationship.

[Kalidas]

I dunno...I'm perfectly fine and happy with just masturbation. But then, I've never really had sex. So maybe that's part of it. And it would likely be different if I was in a relationship? In a relationship I would desire partnered sex, I'm pretty sure. Outside of that, I'm perfectly happy with just my own hands and fantasies.

I consider myself heterosexual, and really the more I read the more I'm convinced that's the case for me. I don't feel some sort of pull to have sex with any specific person, it's more like a potential thing. (ie It's not like "I want him in my room", it's more like "yeah, if I was in a relationship with someone I'd have sex...might as well be someone I like".) I would say I have an innate desire for sex now, I just don't necessarily need partnered sex to be satisfied.

If you don't need partnered sex to satisfy your desire are you sure you aren't an asexual? Like I said, I have desire; but I can take care of it my self. So the question is, do you desire partnered sex or just sexual activity? In my case I desire sexual activity; it doesn't have to be a with a person. This sort of thing is why we need a good definition of asexuality. If I am understanding what you wrote, you seem like an ace to me. However you don't identify as one.

That brings up the issue of labels for people who aren't aces. Many people use the term sexual. I don't really care for the term and prefer to use allosexual. I consider my self a sexual person because I experience sexual desire and enjoy sexual activity. However I am asexual because I don't experience an innate desire for sex with people. The term allosexual solves that dilemma. Also, some allosexuals aren't very sexual people. It wouldn't be appropriate in my mind to call an allosexual celibate a sexual. Celibates tend to not be very sexual. :P :lol: So an allosexual can be very non sexual and as an asexual can be very sexual.

I went back and forth on the issue a lot since I've been here, really. It makes more sense to identify as allosexual until I get something that convinces me it's definitely not the case, I think.

I do remember thinking once, within the last few years, I would like to experience partnered sex one day. I think because I like the idea of it being a part of an emotionally close relationship.

I think I still want partnered sex, just not unless I'm in a relationship where I feel that'd be appropriate. I would say that ideally I would not get into a relationship with someone with no interest in eventual sex. That's not to say I definitely wouldn't: I'll give most things a chance, especially where people are concerned. But I would not say I'd be entirely on board with a (long term, committed) relationship with no sexual intimacy. I would want there to be some.

That's in a relationship, though. Outside of that...well, for me relationships are like--it'd be nice if it happened, but if not I'll rock the single life forever.

Is that innate sexual desire? I'd guess it is, but IDK. My guess would be that asexuals would be perfectly fine with, if not outright prefer, a sexless relationship.

You could fit more in the grey area? Like grey a or demi even.

[binary suns]

that is true. I've always thought of gray-ace as "not very sexual sexual" in a way. gray-a can cover a lot of ground... I probably should consider myself gray-a? but idk. I stopped really caring... i am me.

[Guest]

It's possible and I haven't thrown away the possibility, but I feel it's "safer" to identify as sexual for me. The gray area is about feeling sexual attraction/desire rarely or only in very specific situations, but they live as asexuals most of the time. I don't know that that fits me. If I see sex as part of a romantic relationship and that and my general attitude towards it is indicative of innate desire, I don't see myself on the spectrum.

And since I am open to and even (eventually, potentially) want partnered sex, for all intents and purposes heterosexual may as well be my identity. If it turns out I'm wrong, no harm done.

That brings up the issue of labels for people who aren't aces. Many people use the term sexual. I don't really care for the term and prefer to use allosexual. I consider my self a sexual person because I experience sexual desire and enjoy sexual activity. However I am asexual because I don't experience an innate desire for sex with people. The term allosexual solves that dilemma. Also, some allosexuals aren't very sexual people. It wouldn't be appropriate in my mind to call an allosexual celibate a sexual. Celibates tend to not be very sexual. :P :lol: So an allosexual can be very non sexual and as an asexual can be very sexual.

Want to say I get what you are saying. The term "sexual" is somewhat misleading. When I say I'm a "not very sexual sexual" I intend it to mean that I am an allosexual who isn't very sexual--in terms of other people. When it comes to fantasies, though, my ships in particular, I can be a closet perv. I consider myself quite a sexual being and am enthusiastic about sex--just not as much the case in relation to myself and other people.

[LeaveOnYourColours]

In my case, I feel that my asexuality is that I don't apply my sexual desire/libido/what have you to other people. Which is a difficult concept still I think! Other people in the flesh with their faces and personalities and looks, even naked bodies, I don't perceive that as sexual material or sexually attractive.

And with sexual desire, I guess I have a voluntary libido, like my body never wants to scratch the itch unless I decide it's a good time to. So I don't know if they're loosely related or entirely separate.

[Naosuu]

I don't think I have anything to add since I was more active in the first... what, 15 pages?

Just wanted to say it makes me really happy that people are asking questions, having good discussions and still being civil about it. I never would've imagined this thread would still be active almost a year later, let alone get to page 41. Geez!

[purplemutant]

I don't think I have anything to add since I was more active in the first... what, 15 pages?

Just wanted to say it makes me really happy that people are asking questions, having good discussions and still being civil about it. I never would've imagined this thread would still be active almost a year later, let alone get to page 41. Geez!

Discussions like this are liable to get heated. It's nice that things have remained pretty civil. The fact that there are 41 pages on this topic illustrates just how important it really is. If we really want to be accepted by the rest of the world; we need to be able to explain to the rest of the world what asexuality really is.

[Guest]

Mysticus. I apologize if my comment about the testosterone blockers was inappropriate. As a person with a disability I should have known better. You are obviously going to know more about your self and your situation than I am. It's unfortunate that in Germany it's so difficult to get testosterone blockers or castration. There used to be a doctor here who did castration on anyone who wanted it. Unfortunately doctors like that are hard to find. So people resort to the "doctor" in someones basement, or use farm equipment. If you do find a doc it's often times not cheap. I still don't quite understand why it's so cheap to do it on a dog but so damn expensive on a human? It must be the liability insurance.

No worries, and no apology needed. It's all fine. :)

[Lady Girl]

The term allosexual solves that dilemma. Also, some allosexuals aren't very sexual people. It wouldn't be appropriate in my mind to call an allosexual celibate a sexual. Celibates tend to not be very sexual. :P :lol: So an allosexual can be very non sexual and as an asexual can be very sexual.

Unless you're me and don't want to be called that. To me "sexual" can be an adjective in the way you use it, or an adjective in the same way bisexual or asexual is. Also, I'm celibate and I'm still sexual. I might not always be overtly sexual, but I definitely still am.

I see what you mean, but I'm probably never going to like being called allosexual...ever. -_-

[Sally]

That brings up the issue of labels for people who aren't aces. Many people use the term sexual. I don't really care for the term and prefer to use allosexual. I consider my self a sexual person because I experience sexual desire and enjoy sexual activity. However I am asexual because I don't experience an innate desire for sex with people. The term allosexual solves that dilemma. Also, some allosexuals aren't very sexual people. It wouldn't be appropriate in my mind to call an allosexual celibate a sexual. Celibates tend to not be very sexual. :P :lol: So an allosexual can be very non sexual and as an asexual can be very sexual.

The term "allosexual" as its been used by some people on AVEN means sexual. I don't know how you can call yourself sexual and asexual at the same time.

Which to my mind reinforces the appropriateness of calling sexuals sexuals, as LG says above, and a number of other sexuals have said earlier on this thread and other threads. If sexuals aren't interested in being called allosexuals, why do it?