kdk13 Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Hey everyone! I'm telling my story in an educational/personal piece coming out on thewip.net next week. My editor requested that I put together a "Top 5 things never to say to someone who is asexual" piece to accompany it. Any one want to give input on the most obnoxious things you've gotten whilst letting people in on your asexuality? Or way down the road when you've had apparently incongruent life experiences? Or just straight up out of the blue? Or about asexuality in any other context? Thank you all so much! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
JennS95 Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 My favorite is coming out to people (cough cough my mother) and having them say: "You aren't asexual. Plants are asexual. You don't reproduce by yourself, do you?" Or any of the following: "How do you know if you never tried it?" "You just haven't met the right person." "Asexual, huh? I can fix that for you" *insert creepy winky face here* "You just aren't kissing/sleeping with the right people. You just haven't been with anyone who is good at it." "You can't find someone attractive if you're asexual." "No one is going to want to be with you if you aren't going to put out." "You're too pretty to be asexual!" "You're just making excuses for not having a date on the weekends." I could probably go on forever but I'll limit it to that for now haha. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mx.Jekyll Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Something that definitely needs to be on that list is "It's in our nature to have sex." Definitely number one most annoying, ignorant comment ever. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Comrade Eden Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Harassment, obviously, is never appreciated. Still, any genuine question or comment stemming from someone's beliefs is a chance for them to learn. If they don't proceed to take new information and change their understanding of the world around them, that's really quite bothersome. Otherwise, I always welcome genuine questions and comments even if they seem really stupid or potentially insulting. I try to deal with all of these things as honestly and blatantly as I can, and I am usually decently successful in starting meaningful conversations. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Scottthespy Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 I think the 'I can fix that' one has to be on there, for multiple levels of annoyance. One: It suggests there's something wrong with the way we are. Two: it make a joke of our orientation, as though we arent serious, or are just making it up to invite flirting. Three: Creeper alert. Four: so much arogance. Every one else who tried failed, but you're just so good that it'll be different this time. Other possibilities; "You should get your hormones checked", "You're making that up as an exuse to ______", and my personal 'favorite', "Thats not fair to the guys/girls around you" spoken in a tone of legitimate irritation, not cutesy 'you're hot' jokes. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
the bumbling rotifer Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 "People these days have become too focussed on individuality" ^ A response I got when I told an acquaintance that I don't intend to marry >.< Quote Link to post Share on other sites
JennS95 Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 "People these days have become too focussed on individuality" ^ A response I got when I told an acquaintance that I don't intend to marry >.< Oh I love when people just assume I'm trying to be special and get attention by proclaiming my sexuality. Another good one is the "You can't dress up if your asexual, your just teasing everybody." Um excuse me, it's not my fault people can't keep it in their pants. If I want to wear the short shorts or wear makeup, then I'm going to wear the short shorts and makeup! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Most annoying question would be "You are a what?" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Oh I love when people just assume I'm trying to be special and get attention by proclaiming my sexuality. Another good one is the "You can't dress up if your asexual, your just teasing everybody." Um excuse me, it's not my fault people can't keep it in their pants. If I want to wear the short shorts or wear makeup, then I'm going to wear the short shorts and makeup! Ummm, good point. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
thepennydrops Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Mine would have to be "Challenge Accepted!" with aforementioned creepy face. I've personally encountered that twice... one in a jokey, completely none threatening way from a male friend who completely backed down when I explained, which was fine. And once at a house party when I was physically cornered in the kitchen by a very tall and well built, drunken man who just would not drop the subject. That's how "corrective rape" starts. It took some messaging back and forth before I finally got a proper and full apology after explaining at great length why that was such a bad thing, and I was still accused of reacting in a heavy handed way :-/ "You just haven't met the right person" is a very close second, and also ties in with "How do you know if you haven't tried" to which my response is generally "Well, how do you know you're not gay if you've never tried having sex with a same sex partner?" and usually followed with"And how many people should I sleep with to prove sex doesn't work for me before you'll accept asexuality is legitimate? Would you sleep with that many same sex partners to prove you're not actually gay?" The last one is not so much about things not to say to asexual people, but what annoys me a lot is that people assume asexuality is about not wanting to have sex, and having to explain that asexuality and sex repulsion are different issues. I am asexual AND sex repulsed, but not necessarily sex repulsed BECAUSE I am asexual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ziggy_G Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 >>>>You Should Try It<<<<<< or any variant of. "you should try it and see" "You should give it a try, maybe you'll like it." But actually the very very very very very worst one, is "Your wrong." As in, "You dont know what you are", "thats not a thing" "You can't be asexual, because I like sex (yes i've actually heard that one)" "You just dont understand yourself" "Your just confused" "you cant be asexual" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Zash Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 Also, there is the "You are a closeted gay!" response too, which is fairly offensive too. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xavy Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 I came up with a few : 1. You can't be asexual because Asexuality is just a made up thing. 2. You really shouldn't go around saying that about yourself, people will think you are crazy. 3. You're asexual ? I've heard about that, like a starfish, right ? 4. Makes sense, I always knew you were abnormal. 5. Don't give up on sex just because you had a bad experience. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGlove Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 For me it's a bit of a double whammy. People know about my being a asexual also know that I'm a agnostic. So ultimately they're like: "So if you believe in evolution and that we're animals, isn't it nature to want to reproduce?" Of course I get the usual asinine comments/questions like "How do you know you don't like sex if you haven't tried it?" "You haven't met the right person." "Are you sure you're not a lesbian?" And the one that honestly made it harder to find out what I was is that asexual on a biological level means to be able to reproduce on your own. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
1/100 of me Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 "It's just a phase, that might change, you'll want sex/relationships/kids when you're older." Those are the most annoying to me. They're so patronizing! When people say that to me I feel like they don't think of me as a person with a functioning brain; like I'm a couple chromosomes short of a human or something. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BangBang Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 "You just haven't met the right person yet" has to be the most common one. I generally tend not to get offended by most things people say because their stupidity is their business but that quote gets on my nerves. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kdk13 Posted June 21, 2014 Author Share Posted June 21, 2014 Thanks everyone! These are great! Look for the two articles on The WIP next week (I'll also post them here) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Adogg Posted June 21, 2014 Share Posted June 21, 2014 Something that definitely needs to be on that list is "It's in our nature to have sex." Definitely number one most annoying, ignorant comment ever. ^Winner. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Literary X Posted June 22, 2014 Share Posted June 22, 2014 "[Name of sexual abuser] made you like that, didn't he?" "How do you you won't change your mind?" (Nobody ever asks straight people that.) "How is that any different from celibacy?" "Even though you're asexual, you'll want to please your partner sexually once you fall in love." Never mind that I'm repulsed and aromantic. Besides, doing something for someone else's benefit at your own expense is not okay. "Your perception of sex is very unrealistic." Why? Because I don't want it? "You just haven't had your bell rung yet." "One day you'll be laughing your ass off at your asexual phase." "But you're still straight, right?" "I'm okay with you being asexual, as long you don't talk about it." "God made us to feel empty without sexual partners. Even though you're asexual, you should still have a sexual partner one day." But not outside of marriage, of course. "One day, you'll find a man who'll blow you away." "I understand that you're asexual, but there's no such thing as aromanticism." "Are you sure you're not just afraid of relationships?" "If you don't have any sexual feelings toward your 'squish,' as you call him, then you must be a lesbian." "But don't you want to get married?" (This one always accompanies a look of sheer horror.) These are just the ones I thought of off the top of my head. There are many, many more. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AprilStorms Posted June 22, 2014 Share Posted June 22, 2014 My top 5: "So you'll never fall in love!" Maybe add in a bit about romantic aces and sexual aros. "Get your hormones checked/That's not natural/I can correct that." Anything, anything at all about being unnatural or 'fixing' us "Are you sure you're not gay?" Another common assumption seems to be that if I don't want sex with men, I'm gay? Yes, there are gay/lesbian (along with bi, pan, etc) aces but this goes hand-in-hand with the first one about not assuming stuff. "There's no such thing." Self-explanatory. "It's just a phase/You're just confused." Please don't be patronizing. Ugh! I would also advise warning people against amoeba jokes (at least until sure that the person isn't bothered by them) A lot of aces find it really annoying. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xavy Posted June 22, 2014 Share Posted June 22, 2014 I had someone ask me if my vegan diet could be the cause of my asexuality. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Literary X Posted June 22, 2014 Share Posted June 22, 2014 "Are you sure you're not gay?" Another common assumption seems to be that if I don't want sex with men, I'm gay? . I've received that response, too, and I don't understand it. You'd think the fact that you don't want to have sex with women would make people realize you're not gay. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
romantic-woman Posted June 22, 2014 Share Posted June 22, 2014 Yesterday i felt so weird cause i tried to explain to a boy why i don't want sex and we finally didn't understand each other. He asked me the following: -What do you do if you are in a relationship and your partner or you get bored of the usual sex and wanna try with another person? Love still but sex is sex and you can do it with anyone you like. (i had a mindblowing with that and i told him that sex doesn't exist in my life no matter what so it is a meaningless question). - When you are alone how do you deal with urges? I told him that i am happy cause even when i am in a relationship i can't do sex and i don't need any partnered sexual activity to feel ok. It seems that only an asexual can understand what i'm saying!!!!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TheNomment Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 For me it was "You'll change soon," "For now", and the most annoying for me is, "You're using the word wrong." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Twigwilter Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Heres some of mine... 1) You're just doing it to be "different". 2) Something must've happened in your past to "cause" this. 3) Why can't you just get over yourself? 4) How do you know if you've only been with one person? 5) You're a young woman; you should be going out and having fun,..you MUST have "needs"? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Twigwilter Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Oh, and another one I've just thought of... "If asexuality is real, how come it's only just been heard of?" The assumption that asexuality has somehow been dreamt up by the current younger generation, not that it's only now that anyone dares come out, makes this one particularly annoying. I'm sure the same was said of other sexualities at some point in history- you'd think people would learn from this! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Scottthespy Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 For me it was "You'll change soon," "For now", and the most annoying for me is, "You're using the word wrong." For people who say that, you can tell them the following. "Asexual as you are understanding it is actually part of a larger phrase: Asexual Reproduction. Both parts of the phrase are nessesary. Asexual in itself is simply a latin prefix attatched to a commonly understood word...A, meaning non or without. Asexual reproduction is reproduction without sex...so that is accurate. But the word Asexual simply means non sexual or without sexual. You can apply it to anything that doesnt sex. Rocks are asexual because they have no capacity for sex. I am asexual because I feel no sexual attraction. It is simply another use for an increasingly flexible word." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Scottthespy Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Oh, and another one I've just thought of... "If asexuality is real, how come it's only just been heard of?" The assumption that asexuality has somehow been dreamt up by the current younger generation, not that it's only now that anyone dares come out, makes this one particularly annoying. I'm sure the same was said of other sexualities at some point in history- you'd think people would learn from this! Thats right up there with asking something like "if its not safe to eat raw chicken why are we just learning about it in the last few decades?" or "If using soap to wash up before a surgery really helps that much, why havent we been doing it as long as there's been soap?" -_- some people... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
StoneMoon Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 "That's stupid. You just have to show that you're availabe, you're so pretty and intelligent, why do you have such an inferiority complex?" ........yeah, as if anything I said before that had anything to with how many people are attracted to me or not. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Certified Cake Decorator Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 What i find helps with dealing with these awful comments is to slide in a mention of asexuality. (I do this when discussing my GSA club) Then take all the rude comments without response. Explain what asexuality is. Answer questions. Then when the person notices that you know A LOT about asexuality they will ask "wait, is that what you are?" I find this helps keep me calm, because i know that all the initial comments aren't directed at me. They aren't attacking me personally, they are just not sure what asexuality is. The comments i usually get, which i was shocked about: Wait, asexual, like plants? That's the same as antisocial. Who doesn't like sex? *go on to discuss their "amazing" sex stories* Fortunately i have not come across the other comments posted here yet. Some are creepy! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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