Children?

[Rio]

You expected me? Explain. "Like me"? How do you know me?. I don't have a "yes-to-kids choice". As I said: If you don't want 'em, then don't have 'em, of course.

[Rio]

But, don't try to justify your choices with fantasy arguments. I like mine very much (so selfish of me.......)

[MaxAmoeba]

If you can assume my opinion as 'fantasy', I thought it justified to ask why you said that nonsense Rio. :-)

[Rio]

And what was your opinion then?

[Rio]

I would like to help you, but I can't know unless you tell me what you really think.

[Rising Sun]

I really like small children. But I know that chances are big for me to never have kids, for several reasons.

First, I don't want to raise a child as a single parent. I had only one "real" parent to take care of me, and I always missed having two parents. And if my relationship with my ex-boyfriend is definitely over, I don't want to start another relationship, I prefer being single. So I don't want to impose a single-parent family to a child, even more as my child wouldn't have any grandparents or uncles or aunts, just me.

The second reason is that I have two genetic problems : I'm dyspraxic, and I certainly carry schizophrenia (it runs in my family, and it's a particularly violent type of schizophrenia). I didn't manage to complete my studies successfully, dyspraxia ruined my life. It affects my life so much that my neurologist called it "superficially "asperger-like"", because I have many similar symptoms (sensory overload, social awkwardness...). I'm not selfish enough to take the risk to have a child who may have a miserable life because of dyspraxia or become a dangerous person because of schizophrenia.

The third reason is that I have medications that are incompatible with pregnancy, and pregnancy without medications would be extremely exhausting to me, I may spend the last months in hospital.

The fourth reason is that in my country, adoption would be almost impossible as I'm a vegetarian and vegetarianism is considered as child abuse.

Who knows, maybe I'll have children in the future, but I don't want to raise any false hopes. At least, if I never have kids, I'm ready to accept it. It would certainly be much more reasonable, as I grew up in a dysfunctional family, I don't know what a loving family is in everyday life (outside of theory), and I don't want to be a bad parent. I would never forgive myself if I were a bad parent.

[Rio]

Which is your country Rising Sun? A country that does not accept vegetarianism? No such thing as I know of.

[The Great WTF]

Consider this a friendly reminder that personal attacks and insults are not allowed on AVEN.

The Great WTF

Asexual Relationships Moderator

[Rio]

Who has personally attacked someone Great WTF, me?

[Rising Sun]

Which is your country Rising Sun? A country that does not accept vegetarianism? No such thing as I know of.

France. The vegetarian's nightmare. In France, if you don't feed your kid veggies, that's still acceptable, but if you don't feed your kid meat, "OMG, what are you doing, you're killing your child, he / she will end up hospitalized without red meat !!" Several parents have lost their parental rights just because they raised their child as a vegetarian (not even with a vegan diet, but with a healthy and balanced lacto-ovo-vegetarian diet). And what French people call "vegetarian" is strange to say the least : it seems that fish and seafood are considered as vegetables, and if you don't eat fish, it means that you're a vegan...

[Rio]

Wow, France is messed up. This sounds quite facist to me though. Is France facist now?

[Rising Sun]

Well, our local fascist party (Front National) seems to have become the most popular party here. They consider that everybody should eat pork and drink wine because "France is a Christian country" (I wish it were a joke but it isn't) and they want Muslims and Jews to leave the country. I wouldn't be surprised to see them winning the next presidential election.

Yes, this isn't the best time to come visit France.

[Rio]

That's sad Rising Sun. I think they (Le Pen) are only popular in Euro elections though. Can they become popular in national elections too?

[Rio]

OK you said, " I wouldn't be surprised to see them winning the next presidential election." So I'll take that as a comment

[TheWheatOne]

Technically, having biological children is selfish, given how many children need adoption, but we'd rather go through (many times painful) pregnancy for 8 1/2 months, with a birth episode that can be traumatic. Whenever I see a parent hugging their child affectionately, I have to remind myself its usually out of condition that they share genetic code. Which is why it is so important for some fathers to get DNA tests if they suspect they are being fooled and forced to pay for a child that is not theirs genetically.

Compared to my having many NSFL(Not Safe Fore Life) images in my mind of unadopted children who commit suicide, are very diseased, starving, living through horrible foster care experiences (not all are bad, but there is corruption for sure), and having extremely awful statistics for adult happiness and living standard, and far below average life expectancy, when if every potential parent would just adopt right now, we could save them all in only a few days (replacing all births for adoptions statistically), but don't.

However, nature is nature, so I don't fault potential parents for valuing that 0.03% of genetic code difference. Their apathy is as natural to me, as my own reaction to say a school bus being destroyed and 20 children killed in it. Its sad to think like this, but since they are not my own children, and I don't know them, they are more a statistic in my mind, compared to how their families would grieve for them at least.

For this reason, my own fantasy of children would be through adoptions. That said, I am no where near equipped to be a parent in basically every capacity, and even if I were abundantly equipped, I doubt the government would let a single man adopt. So its not even legally possible (technically it is, but its so rare it would be like winning the lottery).

[Soiled Melody]

Calm down please. People have their opinions. You have a kid and that changed your mind, but some people would rather not take that chance. I'm scared to even take that chance, because what if I hate my child like I hate all the other kids? It scares me.

Now reading my entire thread, thats why i said that. We're all a community. No one should be mean, or offensive/defensive of the subject. Let's all just be friends and move on.

[Saraya]

Bad luck that some of you guys don't want kids. If you don't want 'em, then don't have 'em, of course.

But please don't let the overwhelming stream of your mind create rationalisations about why you don't want kids.

I have one and, speaking from experience, money can't buy this. Your child is absolutley priceless.

What is so bad luck about not wanting kids?

It's not luck but a choice and opinion.

Kids to you are priceless while to me the thought of dedicating my life to one makes my stomach turn. Are either of us wrong? No.

Your second paragraph rubs me the wrong way. My mind for sure is not some whimsical stream of rationalizations. Many ppl here are young and who knows if their minds will change or remain the same.

You have a kid and you love them and love your life as a parent nothing is wrong with that but not all of us here feel the same way.

A lot of people think kids suck but that is their opinion and you certainly can't change how they feel or what they express here. It is not meant as a personal insult to you as a parent.

[Touchofinsight]

Bad luck that some of you guys don't want kids. If you don't want 'em, then don't have 'em, of course.

But please don't let the overwhelming stream of your mind create rationalisations about why you don't want kids.

I have one and, speaking from experience, money can't buy this. Your child is absolutley priceless.

Being child free is also absolutely priceless :). Once you have a child you can never go back.

I find that there are different levels and types of happiness. Every choice you will make eventually ends up making you lose on some opportunities while opening up others. Having kids is a huge gamble and I am not a gambling man.

I have to ask my self the question which is more likelier:

Would I be more happy having kids or without them and when I look at what child rearing takes it takes very little mental power to decide for my self.... no offspring.

Reversing the question too. I would much rather regret not having kids then constantly having to tell people the euphemism in disguise that I hear from so many parents: "I wish I would of waited to have kids/had them later". I know not all parents are like that but its kind of sad that a portion of parents just can't be honest with themselves and acknowledge that perhaps having children was a mistake for them personally.

[Nymra]

There are a few reason I'm probably won't have own children. But the three reasons are:

1. I can't handle children. I have honestly no clue how to talk or act around them or with them. I'd rather have a puppy. (I can't make them cry...?)

2. I'm terrified of the thought being pregnant. No clue why, it's just a very strange and uncomfortable feeling for me.

3. I'm suffering from depression. This lays in my family for quite a long time. I really don't want to put my own child through the same sh*t I went through. And if I'd be pregnant with such a depression spike I might hurt both of us :/

Those are the reasons for me. I don't really care what other people think about it.

[Terry95]

I grew up in a very close knit and happy family and I kinda want that for myself, too. Me being asexual and kind of repulsed by sex its going to be difficult, but if I ever find a guy, whom I implicedly trust and believe to be good parent material I would want at least 2 biological kids with him!

[vegasol]

Actually, I'm more repulsed by pregnancy and childbirth than I am about sex. However, I've always liked the idea of adoption (ever since elementary school) and I really want children, so my dream is to adopt two children in the future.

I guess it'll be really difficult though, because it's expensive, and the rules are so strict and the waiting-line so incredibly long. First, I have to find a partner whom I'm willing to settle down with and share my life with (which might be difficult as an asexual), then we have to be married for 2-5 years depending on the country we want to adopt from (norway has an extremely low amount of children for in-country adoption), then we have to apply and wait for maybe a year while it's being processed, then after getting a "yes" we have to wait for 2-7 years depending on the country we want to adopt from (2 years waiting is for older children, which are usually less desired because they tend to have difficulties adapting to a new culture. 7 years is the current waiting time for norwegians waiting for a child from china), and we can't apply for child number 2 before child number 1 has lived with us for at least a year, and then the process is repeated, meaning we will have a 5-10 year age gap between the siblings, which is not what I want. I want them to be around the same age, so that they can grow up together, have company and play together, like me and my brother during our childhood.

This turned out more like a rant about adoption issues, rather than a general opinion about wanting children or not, sorry! :O
... Also, if I can't adopt because of the issue of time, I might wanna be a foster-parent! Children from the child-protective-services need a lot of love too, and there is a big shortage of foster parents in my country, whereas the lines for adoption are super long. I'm gonna consider it. :) I'm only 22 yet so I'm not having any children in years to come anyway! Still want to find someone to live with first anyways!

[Quinoa]

I don't see it as selfish to want or have biological children. I personally have a genetic disease, though, so me having biological children is out.

As far as adopting children, I'm undecided. I'm still young, so I don't want children now, but possibly in the future. I do like kids. I'm well aware that I'm aromantic, and I'm not sure if I would want to raise kids if I'm by myself.

[jellibette]

I was lucky enough to grow up in a close, loving family and I hugely value that support system. I've known for a few years that I want a family like that when I'm a bit older (currently 24), but I'm open to different options, whether carrying a baby myself, adoption or letting my partner be the birth mother (if I'm in a relationship with another woman). Although things are a little heated here, I am happy to hear that I'm not alone in this! ^_^

[kinzkey]

I eventually want kids, I think, but since I'm asexual, I kinda don't want to go through a pregnancy. 1) It'll hurt a whole hell of a lot when the baby pops out, 2) I really would rather not do the sex part.

I expect that I'll become more open to the idea as I get older, though. I mean, the pain is only temporary and the mommy hormones will wipe the pain outta my brain. As to the sex... Well, it's not that bad. Obviously, it'll be something that my eventual husband and I will have to decide on together.

I know some of my sexual friends tell me: 'Oh, you can't love an adopted child as much as your own.' BS. I've babysitted a lot of darling children and I've loved them all. Loved them all enough to change their diapers, I might add. ;)

I'm not completely adverse to the idea of a biological child, I just have a few minor concerns.

[AceInhibitor]

I've always wanted children. My housemates were kind of concerned when I told them I'd been procrastinating and looking at adoption websites (other girls look at wedding dresses, my dad looks at cars, don't see why I can't research adoption), but I've wanted children basically as long as I can remember. And because I'd probably be a single mother it would be really hard for me to adopt so I don't want to be totally uninformed. Granted that's at least 10 years in the future for me at present, but I would consider biological children, only I think it would end up being IVF, which is expensive. Unless I had a partner in which case I'd probably just suck it up and deal with it in order to have children. And again, there's still adoption. But yeah, I'd love to be a parent. But I know plenty of people who aren't the least bit maternal. I, on the other hand, grin at every little kid I see. I mean they're not the loveliest when they're screaming, and they're hard work (I gather that just from babysitting a few times and having two younger siblings, so god knows how much harder being a parent would be) but I just love children.

[cali87]

I never wanted kids even before i identified as Ace, heck that was one of my excuses to myself for not being like everyone else..i never ever want kids and avoiding sex will eliminate the risk lol. Its not that i dislike kids, quite the opposite, i LOVE kids, i absolutly love playing mom to my friends kids, I've just never wanted any myself. i can't explain why, i honestly don't know, i just..don't.

[PatheticGirl]

I always wanted kids but I can never think of sex. I really don't know what it will be like. May be I'll adopt a child

[Rio]

I have one kid and she is priceless.

If you can, then DO IT!

[cheeringselenator]

I love kids and I always knew I wanted some of my own one day! Even when I was little, I was never overly interested in getting married, but I always knew I wanted to be a mom! When I was younger, I was always like eventually I'll want to get married, but now I'm thinking of ways to have kids without getting married. I am still young, so i def don't want kids right now, but I do one day- maybe adoption? The thought of being pregnant doesn't bother me but its the getting pregnant part that I'm not to sure with...

[Soiled Melody]

Hey Bellatrix, speak plain words instead of some selfish fantasy. Can you do it?

Stop it. None of these opinions are selfish. In all actuality having a biological is more selfish than adding to the children out there and over populating. Not even including those who give up the baby because they were to careless to stay protected.