I’m new here, I think I may be asexual, my boyfriend is sexual.

[summerskys12]

Hello so I am new here and I think I may be asexual. I have a boyfriend who I love, and I guess I wanted to talk to asexual people to figure out if I am asexual.

To start off, I am a virgin. When I am making out or doing sexual things with my boyfriend I usually feel nothing, like I don’t turned on at all or anything. I don’t know why. My boyfriend Is attractive, and I know I am in love with him. I use to think my lack of sexual desire was partially due to lack of sexual experence. We have not had penetrative sex but I feel like we have done enough that I should have felt something. I am usually thinking about when we will be done making out or fooling around while we are.

I don’t know if maybe I am just not attracted to my boyfriend, but I he has a lot of qualities I like, and I think I can count of one hand the amount of people in my entire life who I have felt sexual attraction too. About four people. Also I don’t masterbate or anything like that.

I want to feel sexual attraction to my boyfriend. Also he is a very attractive man. I joined this fourm after to try to get sexually aroused and not doing so… I don’t really like to watch porn, but I guess I was trying to see if I could get turned on by it and instead o kept thinking bout how cheesy the acting was and how the cuts were weird. I sometimes pretend to be turned on when I am with him, but I think I am just pretending because he likes it when I do that.

Is there anyone here in a relationship with this issue? Also I am 24 and he is my only boyfriend so I don’t know if its just inexperence but I don’t think so. I do enjoy being sexual with him in the sence that I enjoy making him happy.

[Cereal Tendencies]

I'm 21, never had a boyfriend or sexual contact of any kind and I always thought it had something to do with my introversion.

Sounds like you could be asexual. It's up to you and only you what label (if you choose to label yourself) you feel best fits. There are different labels that fall under the ace umbrella so look around on the Q&A forums and the faqs on the main site for more info on those :)

Also welcome!

[summerskys12]

Thanks for your reply. I am an introvert as well, and I thought part of it was my personality.

It was kind of bugging me because I really do love this guy and want us to work out, and I feel like he needs me to be sexually attracted to him but I don’t know how to be. I want to be. Its not that I don’t love cuddling him, being near him, even kissing him. I think going beyond that is fun but not in the same way he does I think.

I guess I am just hoping that, over time, my sexual attraction to him will increase. I have never meet a guy as awesome a him, and I don’t want our relationship to not work out over this.

[Cereal Tendencies]

You being asexual isn't necessarily "bad" for the relationship, many sexual/asexual relationships are successful, it just takes a lot of open and honest communication, and many find compromise to be a good middle ground for keeping both partners happy. You should talk to him, only you can tell how you feel.

Also I hope this helps in terms of sorting out how attracted you are to him (and explaining attraction in general)

[summerskys12]

i feel romantic, sensual, and aesthetic attraction to him for sure. I am just unsure about sexual. :/

[summerskys12]

i guess i wanted tips on how you guys make relationships work with people who are sexual?

[Guest]

I am in a relationship with a sexual, a very high libido sexual, for 8 years now. We just got legally married and have lived together nearly the whole relationship (I know, weird, but it was LDR and he was all like "COME LIVE WITH ME" and I didn't really like home, so why not?).

For the first five years, I had no idea asexuality even existed. I was told I just didn't know what I liked, or I needed to loosen up, or I just needed to try more things, etc. But, nothing ever had "turned me on" and I didn't masturbate either (I had 3 sexual relationships before my current). And sex was nice from an emotional point, up to a point, because I liked being close and touching... but the sex part, I could do without and cuddling was actually way more fun. I told him I had some issues being interested in sex, but he shrugged it off as I just hadn't had good partners, or I needed to age into sexual maturity more (I was 19 when we got together) and didn't take it seriously. Well, we started fighting after five years, because my tolerance for sex just became so low, I kept putting it off and rejecting his advances. So, I googled and eventually found AVEN. Aha! Asexuality exists! I am not broken! Or just not found what I like yet! It's OK to not like anything! So, we had a talk about how some people experience attraction/desire for sex and some do not and I am in the do not category.

Initially, he took it poorly. He got angry and said I was just repressed or too uncomfortable with sex from a prudish point to enjoy it and all that nonsense. But, then he calmed down and we came up with a compromise arrangement. I have sex some days, he lets me have days without bugging me about sex and he knows I don't desire it, so I don't have to fake it. I do not feel bad for having sex, I am neutral about it, it's just boring. If it would hurt you, do not have sex. There is no reason to hurt yourself for someone.

It's really important to be honest. If you browse the sexuals friends and allies section, you will see posts from people who have been in relationships with asexuals who did not explain anything to them. Even though they knew, they just didn't tell them. The situations where the asexual simply doesn't know they are that different until later on are one thing, it does cause hurt and confusion, but it's usually understandable (my partner gets that I wasn't hiding it from him). But, when you actively hide this part and do not inform them, it can get nasty. The posts are really heart breaking, about low self-esteem caused by thinking they were doing something wrong, or not enough, because they could sense lack of desire. Depression caused by gradually more and more rejection. Marriages they feel they were stuck in, because they were religious and didn't believe in divorce, but were miserable in, so they were stuck between going against their religion or being depressed the rest of their lives. People who got so emotionally invested in a partner they were left with losing their best friend, who was intertwined in their lives so much, or giving up their sexuality. And when you add "they said they always knew and were just too afraid to tell me" ... it causes a lot of anger.

For some sexuals, desire isn't important, just frequency or the willingness to do SOMETHING (oral, manual, whatever). Some can do without any of it, as long as there is a close emotional bond. Some require mutual attraction, desire and enjoyment or they can't be happy. There is no "sexuals need" or "asexuals need" - we are all individuals. But, the thing most agree on is, there does need to be informed consent to a relationship. If you do not feel desire, you need to discuss that, so he can make an informed choice to continue the relationship, or to leave it because that isn't what he wants.

And I know it's scary and the risk of losing someone over this is painful. But, my relationship got nothing but stronger for telling, because it is honest and open. And he accepts me for who I am, not what I pretend to be. If you two are incompatible, there is NOTHING wrong with either of you. It's just an incompatibility. Sometimes it can be a deal breaker, sometimes it isn't. It depends on the people within it. Your decision will be if you can accept his sexual needs (whatever they may be), his decision will be if he can accept your lack of desire and what you can compromise on.

Assure him that there isn't anything he has done wrong, or anything wrong with him, that you do love him and want him in every way you can and you want to stay with him. Have the talk sometime when you both have a few hours to really discuss it. Write down your thoughts and feelings if you don't think you can say it right with words.

Good luck. I know it's a scary and not easy thing to do. I've been there. But, communication is very important.

As for feeling sexual attraction sometimes - you could check out gray-A or demisexual, you may find one of those fits you.

[summerskys12]

thank you

[blossombreeze]

Only you can decide if you are asexual. Don't think its a bad thing and a relationship ruiner, it is simply who you are if that is how you feel and you should not attempt to force yourself into any sexual situations if that is not what you want.

I do not feel sexual attraction towards anyone, and it took a couple more sexual partners than I would of liked to have had for me to realize that. Because I believed what sexual people told me, that maybe I just didn't "meet the right one" with my first boyfriend, or that maybe i haven't found my "thing" that turns me on, and so I figured a new partner or new activities would change that, but it didn't. Never. I feel intense feelings of love for people often, daily even, but it is platonic(squish) and/or aesthetic. When I'm kissing my partner and things start to get sexual, i'm either waiting for it to be over or to stop all together, and I know that is not at all connected to how much I love my partner romantically, aesthetically, etc. I just feel more intimate with my partner during an intense conversation than in bed with them. With all that said, I consider myself asexual even though I masturbate, because I don't ever lust after people during, it is not directed towards any person, and I'm usually just trying to get it over with and out of the way so I can get on with my other daily activities.

I think as any other relationship, sexual and asexual couples have to compromise and stay compassionate. I need to realize when my lovers needs have been neglected, just as he must realize when my needs have been neglected. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else and that is the bottom line for me. Make sure to let your partner know what you want and how you feel, and respect their wants and feelings as well. People are individuals, ultimately, and no two couples are the same because no two people are the same.

[Star Bit]

You shouldn't hope on your sexual attraction increasing over time; it could, but that's how (unknowing of the title at the time) asexuals get married and then their asexuality causes problems latter. They expect to eventually like it but never do and it becomes a problem because the asexual doesn't want to put up with the sex anymore/ decreases their frequency in sex. Surprised that Serran didn't mention this; you could be a non-libidoist; nothing sexually turns you on (including masturbation). Your only option there would be compromise, an open relationship, or him being ok without sex.

[Atonal]

I have a similar situation. I told my boyfriend and he said that everything else we have is more important to him. :)

[ThomasinaAquinas]

Thanks for your reply. I am an introvert as well, and I thought part of it was my personality.

It was kind of bugging me because I really do love this guy and want us to work out, and I feel like he needs me to be sexually attracted to him but I don’t know how to be. I want to be. Its not that I don’t love cuddling him, being near him, even kissing him. I think going beyond that is fun but not in the same way he does I think.

I guess I am just hoping that, over time, my sexual attraction to him will increase. I have never meet a guy as awesome a him, and I don’t want our relationship to not work out over this.

I started off pretty similar to the main poster. Only difference is that I actually did start to feel some sexual arousal after my relationship got pretty deep. At the moment, I still don't feel it as dramatically as I suspect sexually typical people do, but I do notice it enough to add a nice element to fooling around aside from making my partner happy. I don't orgasm and I seem to be very tight, so sex is physically impossible at the moment. That tightness has reduced with time and effort (though very slowly), so I can only assume it was simply due to never touching or inserting anything and my body overreacting to the suggestion.