I Hate Being Romantic and Ace

[PaintedDoll]

I am technically graysexual, but I have absolutely no desire to actually have sex. Because of this, it makes finding relationships very difficult, as most people want sex in their relationships.

I am aware that since I am romantic, like the majority of people, I probably have some sort of "privilege" because I am not as marginalized as aromantics are. And I'd hate the feeling of being accosted by romance in the media all the time like I feel with sex.

However, sometimes I still wish that I were aro and did not have romantic needs. It would make me less sad about constantly getting dumped and having "lack of sex" being the reason. I feel like being romantic ace is like loving tomato sauce but hating spaghetti.

Do any other romantic aces wish they could get rid of their romantic feelings all together?

Are any aromantic aces happy that they don't have to deal with dating as an ace?

[Sally]

If I'd been aromantic, I probably would have stayed happily single and not gotten myself into a marriage and then a relationship because I wanted partners. It would have been very nice to not feel that need.

[Soraiko]

I get lonely very easily. I probably still would even if I were aromantic, but at least I wouldn't be lonely along with wanting a romantic relationship. I've never had one and that just adds to the loneliness.

[marki]

I'm romantic.....all it ever got me was some super unhappy rejections on valentines day in my youth. Basically don't ever do what the people in ROMCOMs do to woe girls....Hollywood doesn't work in the real world.

Yeah...I don't even know why I want a girl...I guess I have just been told that I want one.....who knows!?

[Philip027]

I'm only mildly romantic, and demiromantic at that. What this has meant for me is in the off chance I end up actually developing a relationship with someone, we tend to already be rather compatible on many fronts, and as of late, we tend to see eye to eye with regard to sexuality as well since I have a better idea now of where I stand on that particular issue (I pretty much don't have any overtly "sexual" friends; I wouldn't feel comfortable enough around them to really call them a friend).

So although I'm not entirely aromantic, I feel like I have a "healthy" amount of romantic feels, to the point where I don't feel burdened by it. I'm sorry that you do :<

[Celes]

I agree -- there is a definite loneliness to desiring people romantically but not being able to have a "full" relationship due to lack of interest in sex. I wish I had better advice on how to bridge that gap, without falling back on platitudes like "maybe someday we will find the right people for us!"

I guess, in the meantime, cake heals all wounds.

[Guest]

You can be romantic and non libidous. As I know there are also aces like you.

[romantic-woman]

Yeah i wish i would be an aromantic! It is a bless if you don't need or don't care about having someone to love you and take care about you. My view about relationships is different, i don't need someone to live with me all day but it is so great to know that someone loves you and thinks of you everyday. I know that it is difficult to find a relationship or to reveal your heartbeating feeling to anyone cause many of them say "well if you love me lets do it". I am a repulsed asexual so only a platonic or a romantic love with no compromises on sex would fit me.

I feel you , i know that many times it hurts to see that you have no choice so you have to spend your life alone until you find the type of love/relationship you want.

[Corretto]

Aromanticism has it's drawbacks too!

The discomfort I feel in the presence of most people does make me very lonely. However, I have an acceptance of those lonely vibes as a bi-product of being aromantic. I'd feel a lot worse if I had a commitment of any sort to remain in someone else's presence.

It's not just a physical presence that is a source of discomfort; it can also be a mental presence. I don't have the confidence to be responsible to others...partners, offspring, workmates and many family members.

While I can sit close to someone I don't know; like on a bus or in sports stadium, I can't make physical or responsible contact with someone I know...or should know! Ciao

[argar]

I know how much it can suck to have romantic feeling, and having those same feeling be a source of pain. In a lot of cases they seem to go hand on hand in my life. Maybe that's why I like romantic comedies to a point. I like the initial getting to know someone and sharing similar interests, and that is where my movie would probably end. In some ways maybe I'm a bit luckier than some of you. I've never gotten to the point in a romantic relationship where I actually touch anyone. In some ways I might miss being around the person, but I don't have the ghost of their touch.

Yeah, it's not easy having to go through this every time I feel emotionally attracted to someone, but in my own life I've seen the consequences of where thing will end up if I pursue them. Although it sucks, I still kind of marvel at how much capacity for love I have. It surprises me that I have something like that in me. I might not want to have sex, or be what anyone would call affectionate, but I do have an amazing capacity for love. Like someone said before, maybe one day I'll find someone suitable for these feeling, or maybe one they find me. Maybe it will never happen and I'll have to settle for writing asexual romance novel, which doesn't sound to bad.

I take the good with the bad of what I am.

I hope this helps a little.

[TheBioNerd]

I'm kind of with argar on this. There's really nothing like the pain of being rejected or not loved back by someone you care about, but that still doesn't stop me from wanting to love. I love to love. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel complete. Right now, I'm in a bit of a funk because I haven't even had a crush on someone in a really long time and I feel a little like I'm missing something. Even if they don't love me back, that's okay. It sucks...but it's okay. I just really enjoy having those feelings at all. To me, love - especially romantic love - is the closest thing we have to magic in this world. I know I sound like one of those really annoying, sappy, girly characters in a poorly written romantic comedy, but don't let that detract from what I'm saying. I'm happy to be romantic, even if it causes more pain than pleasure because, to me, the pleasure is worth it.

[DarkDragonn]

I'm with @espresso on this.

As much as the lack of correlation between romantic and sexual orientations probably hurts, I find myself constantly wishing I was a romantic asexual.

It's often assumed that aromantic means not interested in romantic relationships, and while for many aromantics it's true, for others such as myself it's not. Aromantic means not experiencing romantic feelings, but it doesn't necessarily mean not wanting to.

This is probably a result of being raised in a world that values romance above pretty much any other relationship, but when I see the constant reminders of romantic relations in pretty much everywhere, I can't help but want that too. It happens a lot that I feel a certain disconnect from everyone around me, because part of the human range of emotion is blocked to me, and it feels like our way of thinking is slightly different because of that. I don't understand a lot of what the people I know and the media talk about in terms of relationships, and when I try to understand, it's like I hit a wall that I just can't wrap my mind around.

The thing is, I still want a relationship. Not necessarily the romance stuff, but to be someone's first priority, to have this 'special someone' everyone keeps going on and on about. But actually having something like that is pretty impossible for me. I don't get crushes, so I can't initiate a romantic relationship. The people I want a platonic primary relationship with are sexual and romantic, and would never even see that as a fulfilling option. On the off chance that a romantic would want a relationship with me, I know I'll feel incredibly guilty, because while they'll be incredibly important to me, I won't be able to give them the love they want, and I'd probably sabotage the relationship early so that I won't end up inevitably hurting them.

What I'm trying to say is that I know the struggles of romantic aces are difficult, but whenever I see someone say they wish they were aromantic I feel just a bit worse, because it just shows how many people don't really get what Aromanticism is. And some asexual aromantics face the same problems with not wanting to have sex with their partner, with the additional problem of not being able to fulfill the partner's emotional needs either.

[Not My Area]

I absolutely relate to this. Darkdragonn summed it up nicely. I don't want sex, but I do want companionship. Like many others I've read on this site, I place a very high value on friendship - probably because I know that those are the closest and most fulfilling relationships I'll ever achieve. But I know that although, for me, my friendships are the primary relationships in my life - and my friends are the most important people in my life - I will always be of only secondary importance for them, since they have romantic sexual partners.

I don't want a romantic sexual partner. I'm not even sure if I want a committed nonsexual relationship. But I would like to have someone who values me as highly as I value them. It's honestly not even the actual lack of that that makes me feel lonely - it's the knowledge that I will NEVER have it.

[JaySexual]

Do any other romantic aces wish they could get rid of their romantic feelings all together?

Yeah, there are times I wish I could get rid of *all* feelings of attraction.

I have never been on a date or even been close with anyone or anything at all. Sometimes I am perfectly ok with being single & eventually unloveable, but there are times I wish I had a 'really close friend'/'cuddle buddy' type relationship.

[LifeDontAnimate]

Yes if anything it's too painful it always seems impossible to find someone who you like, share interests and want the same things from a relationship. There's so many people confused by what they want and might not even be the same type of asexual as you. This all leads to a feeling of doubt that you will ever find anyone and will die alone. I wish I was either aromantic or sexual instead of trying to find a fish in a small and confusing pond.

[travelingnotes]

Aughhhhhhh, this, and in our society romance >>> sex. Hate it too.

[AlwaysADreamer]

I love love, I just hate that it's so often attached to sex. To be honest I'm beginning to fear that I won't find someone who is ok with sex having little to no part in our relationship. But then again, I'm young and have virtually no experience with romantic relationships, so I understand that I have plenty of time (I hope).

[Anime Pancake]

As far as the question, "Are any aromantic aces happy that they don't have to deal with dating as an ace?"

For me, I don't desire romance. However, I do strongly desire companionship.

So even though I don't desire romance specifically, it still sucks for me to be alone.

I can sympathize with you though. It is kind of sad or disappointing for me to think that the chances of me finding asexual people in the real world is very slim.

[Namnahr]

Do any other romantic aces wish they could get rid of their romantic feelings all together?

I think this is very interesting to read...

Sometimes I am thinking along those lines, that might be because I am still single and have been single for quite a while now.

BUT

In my opinion love is the very best thing that can happen in someones life!

I think having a person who you can really love with all your heart and who loves you back just like this is what makes life worth living in the first place!

Sure... at the moment there might not be such a person in my life...

But I refuse to get sad about it!

I truly believe that there is such a person and that I can find true love someday. That's why I won't give up hope!

I try to be relaxed about it though. I don't want to force myself to participate in the dating game, because that always seems to be forced to me...

I don't want to date just for the sake of dating or being in a relationship... That seems to be pointless to me...

I have only had a few times in my life where I had the feeling that a certain someone might be the right one for me,

but so far those cases were not the right one.

So... Yeah, I just try to be relaxed about it.

I am convinced my time will come

and so will yours!

~ Namnahr

[Satin]

In my opinion love is the very best thing that can happen in someones life!

Many people capable of sexual feelings say similar things about being able to have those sexual feelings. :) In the end it's like David Jay said, different groups of people have different problems they have to deal with. I do think that overall matching orientations have it easier than mixed orientations (especially romantic asexuals and aromantic sexuals I'll wager have it hard because society is not prepared for those people). But saying being an aromantic asexual solves all the problems, as some posters here seem to believe, also makes me a little upset. Because no, being aromantic does not mean you never worry about relationships and you never feel miserable and you're always happy on your own. I'm one of the aromantics not actively interested in a relationship but even so it can be painful to watch everybody around you entering committed relationships and knowing you'll never be part of something like that. Not because I secretly want it for myself but because it puts another precipice between me and my friends, family members and coworkers.

I'm not saying I feel bad about being aromantic, I'm actually quite okay with it - well, I just don't know any better so it's hard to say it would be better to be different. But seeing people here say being aromantic is so much better makes me think they really only see what they want to see. You know, a "the grass on the other side of the river seems so much better" thing.

[Anime Pancake]

I think this is very interesting to read...

Sometimes I am thinking along those lines, that might be because I am still single and have been single for quite a while now.

BUT

In my opinion love is the very best thing that can happen in someones life!

I think having a person who you can really love with all your heart and who loves you back just like this is what makes life worth living in the first place!

Sure... at the moment there might not be such a person in my life...

But I refuse to get sad about it!

I truly believe that there is such a person and that I can find true love someday. That's why I won't give up hope!

I try to be relaxed about it though. I don't want to force myself to participate in the dating game, because that always seems to be forced to me...

I don't want to date just for the sake of dating or being in a relationship... That seems to be pointless to me...

I have only had a few times in my life where I had the feeling that a certain someone might be the right one for me,

but so far those cases were not the right one.

So... Yeah, I just try to be relaxed about it.

I am convinced my time will come

and so will yours!

~ Namnahr

I find your enthusiasm to be very refreshing.

[Amatista]

Sometimes I wish I was an aromantic asexual because I want a relationship but it will be hard because I know guys normally have sexual urges and I'm sex-repulsed. I'm only interested in a romantic relationship, but what sexual wouldn't want a romantic relationship with great sex? I'm okay with being single but I can't say that I'd be happy being single forever like aros are. I've never been in a relationship, and as Soraiko said, it kinda adds to the loneliness. I've pretty much accepted that I won't be in a relationship for a long time, but I'm not thrilled about it. I like the idea of love. Of knowing that there's someone who loves you as you are and understands you. But I haven't had a crush in a long time and I'm starting to wonder if I can truly fall for someone. I think that I was an affectionate person before everything I've dealt with in life made me put a wall up. It's even worse because I'm a romantic asexual who gets VERY uncomfortable with flirting and touching and all that. I guess I want someone who is truly willing to get to know me without expecting something in return. I see things in a different way so when I guy hits on me before getting to know me I think he views me as a sex object. The only guys who get to know me first are friends, and I never return their feelings because I don't see them in a romantic light and because they don't think I'm attractive until they get to know me. Blah haha I'm rambling but yeah I totally wish I was aro.

[Dethsdream]

As an aromantic, I go back and forth about feeling relieved that I don't have to deal with relationships. I seem to value friendships much more than everyone else around me, so when I lose one (a friend moves, goes off to college in a different state, or ignores me to be with their significant other), it can be extremely devastating and heartbreaking. I have never felt bad when a romantic relationship ended, but when a friendship falls apart I bring out the ice cream and the sappy friendship movies! I kind of have this idealized vision of a platonic life partner (non-monogamous) that would be there for me as a friend forever- basically a best friends for life kind of thing. But I have pretty much given up on it because I realize that everyone around me will eventually drop me in favor of a romantic relationship and so sometimes I feel a little bitter about romance in general, and wish I was part of the whole thing so I could be more like everyone around me. I have even considered getting back into a romantic relationship again just so that I could try to see what I'm missing, but that wouldn't be fair to the other person because I don't feel love the same way and am incapable of romantic attraction. Anyway, the grass isn't greener on the aromantic side.

[Not My Area]

As an aromantic, I go back and forth about feeling relieved that I don't have to deal with relationships. I seem to value friendships much more than everyone else around me, so when I lose one (a friend moves, goes off to college in a different state, or ignores me to be with their significant other), it can be extremely devastating and heartbreaking. I have never felt bad when a romantic relationship ended, but when a friendship falls apart I bring out the ice cream and the sappy friendship movies! I kind of have this idealized vision of a platonic life partner (non-monogamous) that would be there for me as a friend forever- basically a best friends for life kind of thing. But I have pretty much given up on it because I realize that everyone around me will eventually drop me in favor of a romantic relationship and so sometimes I feel a little bitter about romance in general, and wish I was part of the whole thing so I could be more like everyone around me. I have even considered getting back into a romantic relationship again just so that I could try to see what I'm missing, but that wouldn't be fair to the other person because I don't feel love the same way and am incapable of romantic attraction. Anyway, the grass isn't greener on the aromantic side.

I know exactly what you mean. I feel like for me the ultimate relationship is a really strong friendship, but for all my friends the ultimate relationship is a sexual partner. I'm at the stage of my life now where my friends are all pairing off. Now whenever I make plans with them, we have to go through this dance of, "what does the significant other want to do?" It bothers me that I'm not the #1 VIP for all my #1 VIPs.

I have these few bffs - every time we get together we end up daydreaming about future plans where we'll all live together. I used to find this really heartening. But now it kind of angers me, because I realize they don't really mean it - they'll go where their jobs go, where their partners go, and it would be weird if I followed them.

[Sage Raven Domino]

I agree that it's way tougher for an ace, especially female, to be romantic and often have an extra unsatisfied craving as a result. *sends hugs*

I've been having heteromantic daymares since I discovered AVEN :( (had been in romantic remission for two years prior). I dream not about specifically kisses or hugs, but about smth abstract and warm that would reinforce me.

[Cereal Tendencies]

As an apathetic, mildly depressed asexual, I feel my aromanticism divides my perspective into two:

On the one hand there's the huge burden of being responsible for another person off your shoulders

On the other there's this skewed look at the romantic realm (if not sexual, but that's not the point) from the outside and feeling like a cold hearted extra-terrestrial trying to make sense of this emotion that everyone else seems to get so easily

This conversation I had with my brother for example, back when I was explaining my asexual identity:

Me: It's like suddenly romance was this awesome thing you saw on tv and people were like "Hey! That looks cool, we should do that!"

Him: Yeah but what about Shakespeare? Tv wasn't invented back then and the abstract concept of love wasn't invented, it was always just there

Me: I know, I understand, it makes sense on paper, but not to me, not really :(

Nowadays it's no longer bitterness I have towards romance (what can I say? I miss all my friends who married off and started families of their own) but more of a "all I wanted was more" I keep feeling there's more to life than what most claim to be the epitome of happiness that romantic love brings

So yeah, it's a struggle all the same whether you experience romance or not, so no I don't think wishing to be aro will solve your problems, if anything you'll just feel lonelier :/ frustrating, I know

[FiddleKid]

I'm aromantic and happy I don't feel romantic feelings

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Do any other romantic aces wish they could get rid of their romantic feelings all together?

I wish I was aromantic.

I don't want to fall for anyone, but I get crushes on people and don't want to. Because I'm tempted to act on those crushes. Mostly I don't. The one time I did, I found out he wasn't interested after all (I guess I'm also not very good at reading people), which was better in the end. I now have a new crush. Luckily it's not someone I know, but it's someone I see every day and want to talk to him, but also don't want to. He's probably not interested, anyway, but sometimes I wonder. However, I know the crush won't go away until I don't see him every day, and I don't know when that will be. And not seeing him every day makes me sad, too.

See, I'm just so confused about it all, I just wish I was aromantic and didn't have to deal with it!

[ThePaperRose]

I dunno... I mean, I am romantic (I think...) and my first relationship ended because of a lack of physical intimacy. It hurt a lot, and at that time I kinda wished that I could be aromantic.

But I love having extremely close platonic relationships as well, and so that need wouldn't go away. And then I'd probably have to deal with people "dumping" me because I only wanted a platonic relationship.

Both sides have problems. It's not better or worse between them, just different.

And of course it depends on the individual and their social needs as well.

[SlytherinArisen]

I wish that I was either aromantic, or romantic and just not asexual. Every person I get romantically attracted to ends up being sexual, and they usually end up not liking/ hating me simply because they think i was lying about liking them. I hate it.