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I'm not a loner but asexuality is making me one


Ameoba

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I don't think being ace makes you lonely. I just think a lot of Ace people happen to be lonely, they were like this before they made the discovery most of the time. Not wanting sex and not being able to enjoy intimacy can for sure lead to people not wanting anything to do with you, but the real reason most of us are lonely is because we live an isolated life.

Either get out and force yourself to enjoy everyday things, or learn to accept isolation. Neither is the better choice, its more about how much willpower you have left. And that's usually connected to the persons age, the longer you isolate the harder it is to re-engage into society. And the ace ppl who are outgoing and and extroverted from an early age usually don't understand the isolation concept.

This also connects to my belief that extrroverts and introverts live in two different worlds and don't have the ability to understand the other, like a blind person trying to describe sound to a deaf person and vice versa.

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Many even so called sexual women fake orgasm most of the time and many havent ever got one during sex. So nothing extraordinary about that, but ofcourse guys want to believe you got one because it boost their ego. But what comes to arousal....I think mind is very much connected with the body indeed. Your body reacts to your mind, so if your mind is turned on your body get aroused. Not the other way around.

Asexuals mostly does not desire sex and are not turned on easily (if at all)....but I think it is more because they dont mind sex, not because their body does not work or feel any stimulation. That is at least how it is for me.

But yes.....if you dont find similar minded partner...life might be little bit lonely sometimes in this marriage/dating oriented society of ours.

I think you've got it wrong on two points, and here's why:

You say that people get aroused based on what's happening in their minds. Yes, that often is the case, but not always. The body can also react to physical stimuli on its own, or to become aroused for no apparent reason, without sexually driven output from the mind. That's why you hear about schoolboys getting embarrassed when they get random erections in class. They may be thinking about the math lesson when it happens. I've also read about rapists who claimed that the victims were aroused, so they must have wanted it/enjoyed it. That's why I find this particular argument so offensive.

It is also true that many asexuals do not mind sex, but it is absolutely false to characterize all asexuals that way. That suggests that asexuals who don't feel anything, who feel unpleasantness or are repulsed are broken. They do exist and there is nothing wrong with them, despite what society says about us having to all love the experience of sex. There are many allosexuals as well who dislike, are repulsed by and feel pain, discomfort or nothing at all during sex. The key difference is if these feelings (or lack of feelings) distress you, then it is something that should be addressed.

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Ser Teddy Bear

It seems that some people feel entitled to sex. Because hey, I like sex- you have to so... Where's the problem? It's hard to distance your self from people who refuse to try to understand or that just don't care about our needs. I always have a hard time when people hit on me. Because at first I view them as being friendly and I act the same way. And then when I tell them I'm not intrested they gwt angry and say I was leading them on. I view it like this. Aces are from Saturn and sexuals from Jupiter. We may look and act the exact same, but we are extremely different. But to remove a person because they don't like sex? They weren't a good friend to begin with, if they can dump you for something like this is low. The lowest of the low. It is like when you see people remove friends ships because someone is gay. If your 'friends' won't stay your friends over such simple reasons, why would you want them? Think of yourself honey. Your only responsible your your happyness, not theirs. It's like removing a band-aid it may hurt so bad that it is the only thing you can think of. But then the pain will subside and dull, and you'll feel better. Not to mention you'll feel proud that it was an act you could do.

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  • 1 month later...

Many even so called sexual women fake orgasm most of the time and many havent ever got one during sex. So nothing extraordinary about that, but ofcourse guys want to believe you got one because it boost their ego. But what comes to arousal....I think mind is very much connected with the body indeed. Your body reacts to your mind, so if your mind is turned on your body get aroused. Not the other way around.

Asexuals mostly does not desire sex and are not turned on easily (if at all)....but I think it is more because they dont mind sex, not because their body does not work or feel any stimulation. That is at least how it is for me.

But yes.....if you dont find similar minded partner...life might be little bit lonely sometimes in this marriage/dating oriented society of ours.

I think you've got it wrong on two points, and here's why:

You say that people get aroused based on what's happening in their minds. Yes, that often is the case, but not always. The body can also react to physical stimuli on its own, or to become aroused for no apparent reason, without sexually driven output from the mind. That's why you hear about schoolboys getting embarrassed when they get random erections in class. They may be thinking about the math lesson when it happens. I've also read about rapists who claimed that the victims were aroused, so they must have wanted it/enjoyed it. That's why I find this particular argument so offensive.

It is also true that many asexuals do not mind sex, but it is absolutely false to characterize all asexuals that way. That suggests that asexuals who don't feel anything, who feel unpleasantness or are repulsed are broken. They do exist and there is nothing wrong with them, despite what society says about us having to all love the experience of sex. There are many allosexuals as well who dislike, are repulsed by and feel pain, discomfort or nothing at all during sex. The key difference is if these feelings (or lack of feelings) distress you, then it is something that should be addressed.

This is not the first time I have to clarify or defend my comment :) maybe I try to speak straight but am not always clear enough what I want to say.

Anyhow, I said in my comment that this is how it is for me. I did not say for all people and for all asexuals it is the same. And by the way, I replied to this subject because I can relate with it. If I have to lable myself, I label myself as a asexual and I dont mind much sex and yes the whole act might make me feel even repulsed (depends) and still I dont think there is anything broken or wrong with me.

But still, usually desire start in the mind and your body reacts to that. If you think about food, you might become hungry and if you fantasize sex your body might get aroused even if nobody touch or stimulates it. But I had no intention opposite anyones comment here, because I dont. I know that body can react to heat, cold and touch even when you are in deep sleep but its not the same intence feeling than when you are fully awake, aware and into it.

By the way, I don't believe men are the right people to tell when woman body is aroused or got orgasms and when not....everyone, woman and person knows much better their own bodies and minds themselves and everybody is different and bodies works indeed differently. But this was not the subject of this topic but that does asexuality make you lonely......

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littleyellowdifferent

I undertand this completely. I have made myself comfortable with the idea of being alone for the rest of my life because I know I can never be in a relationship in which sex is a key element, and there are so few asexual people in the world, that the odds of getting into a relationship with another asexual is very slim.

I just recently found this site and I believe I am on the asexual spectrum (demisexual). I had come to the conclusion I would be alone for the rest of my life as well, though not specifically because I have very little sexual attraction. I had always felt it was the whole package of me - I couldn't imagine someone wanting a relationship with me and I knew I wouldn't be comfortable having a sexual relationship with someone unless I had a deep emotional connection to them. Catch-22, right? I always thought of them as my "hang-ups" about sex - that I never looked at people (in my life or celebs) and wanted to have sex with them. I have enjoyed kissing - when I really cared about the other person. My first (and best) experience kissing didn't escalate to sex, but that could have been more about my inexperience (I was 19) than truly not being interested in sex.

I don't think of myself as a loner - I have lots of wonderful friends - but I suppose other people might see me that way since they know I don't date at all. I haven't been interested in dating because I feel it's a waste of time. Who would want to put up with my "hang-ups" about sex (among other things)? I could see guys just trying to convince me that I'm just scared or inexperienced. I am scared of putting myself out there in the dating world and being rejected. But it's nice to find this community and know I'm not alone.

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I can relate very much with this thread. I feel the need to connect with someone, to have a romantic relationship, but I just wouldn't be able to handle a sexual partner. I am already a very tense person, but expose myself to the duty of having sex would drain all the energy I have left. It would be a duty in my case because I wouldn't like my partner to have another people to relieve their sexual needs, and I would also feel guilty if they would happen to get into a forced celibacy because of me, which eventually would make them cheat or leave.

For that matter, I see myself with no way out, resorting to loneliness, which isn't healthy for me. I have a very close friend and am very happy about it, but it isn't the same thing as being in a romantic relationship. I wish I was aromantic.

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scarletlatitude

I don't think being ace makes you lonely. I just think a lot of Ace people happen to be lonely, they were like this before they made the discovery most of the time. Not wanting sex and not being able to enjoy intimacy can for sure lead to people not wanting anything to do with you, but the real reason most of us are lonely is because we live an isolated life.

Either get out and force yourself to enjoy everyday things, or learn to accept isolation. Neither is the better choice, its more about how much willpower you have left. And that's usually connected to the persons age, the longer you isolate the harder it is to re-engage into society. And the ace ppl who are outgoing and and extroverted from an early age usually don't understand the isolation concept.

This also connects to my belief that extrroverts and introverts live in two different worlds and don't have the ability to understand the other, like a blind person trying to describe sound to a deaf person and vice versa.

I agree with this. I am introverted, and the more I hang out with extroverted people, the more I like being alone. :P I think that plus my asexuality is really what is dragging me down.

I love this thread because it describes so much of what all of us are feeling as aces. It's always great to know that you are not alone in your feelings. :)

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I've been put off relationships by the fact that I know they're going to expect sex one day and I don't want that. I know one guy who might possibly be ace but although he's my friend we're not close enough for me to ask that. He's lovely but there's a trillion and one reasons why that wouldn't work, but I don't mind.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Many even so called sexual women fake orgasm most of the time and many havent ever got one during sex. So nothing extraordinary about that, but ofcourse guys want to believe you got one because it boost their ego. But what comes to arousal....I think mind is very much connected with the body indeed. Your body reacts to your mind, so if your mind is turned on your body get aroused. Not the other way around.

Asexuals mostly does not desire sex and are not turned on easily (if at all)....but I think it is more because they dont mind sex, not because their body does not work or feel any stimulation. That is at least how it is for me.

But yes.....if you dont find similar minded partner...life might be little bit lonely sometimes in this marriage/dating oriented society of ours.

I think you've got it wrong on two points, and here's why:

You say that people get aroused based on what's happening in their minds. Yes, that often is the case, but not always. The body can also react to physical stimuli on its own, or to become aroused for no apparent reason, without sexually driven output from the mind. That's why you hear about schoolboys getting embarrassed when they get random erections in class. They may be thinking about the math lesson when it happens. I've also read about rapists who claimed that the victims were aroused, so they must have wanted it/enjoyed it. That's why I find this particular argument so offensive.

It is also true that many asexuals do not mind sex, but it is absolutely false to characterize all asexuals that way. That suggests that asexuals who don't feel anything, who feel unpleasantness or are repulsed are broken. They do exist and there is nothing wrong with them, despite what society says about us having to all love the experience of sex. There are many allosexuals as well who dislike, are repulsed by and feel pain, discomfort or nothing at all during sex. The key difference is if these feelings (or lack of feelings) distress you, then it is something that should be addressed.

This is not the first time I have to clarify or defend my comment :) maybe I try to speak straight but am not always clear enough what I want to say.

Anyhow, I said in my comment that this is how it is for me. I did not say for all people and for all asexuals it is the same. And by the way, I replied to this subject because I can relate with it. If I have to lable myself, I label myself as a asexual and I dont mind much sex and yes the whole act might make me feel even repulsed (depends) and still I dont think there is anything broken or wrong with me.

But still, usually desire start in the mind and your body reacts to that. If you think about food, you might become hungry and if you fantasize sex your body might get aroused even if nobody touch or stimulates it. But I had no intention opposite anyones comment here, because I dont. I know that body can react to heat, cold and touch even when you are in deep sleep but its not the same intence feeling than when you are fully awake, aware and into it.

By the way, I don't believe men are the right people to tell when woman body is aroused or got orgasms and when not....everyone, woman and person knows much better their own bodies and minds themselves and everybody is different and bodies works indeed differently. But this was not the subject of this topic but that does asexuality make you lonely......

No one stating you wrong oneness.... Definitely mind plays very big role in arousal but external stimuli also makes body to react. If that wasn't the case, as you would have read in many sexual novels or even heard from friends that unconscious touching arouses them. Whereas they might not be thinking sex before that touch. Funny part is I never realized that even holding hands meant sexual to many, I always thought others to think like me :lol:

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I agree with this. I am introverted, and the more I hang out with extroverted people, the more I like being alone. :P I think that plus my asexuality is really what is dragging me down.

I love this thread because it describes so much of what all of us are feeling as aces. It's always great to know that you are not alone in your feelings. :)

Somewhere I was more inclined to thought process rather than whether other person is extrovert. I'm introvert but most of my friends in life are extrovert and I loved it with them. But, then there are times when u don't like the company and you feel lonely in the crowd. Because what they talk about or do, you just feel left out there.

Same here... it fees too nice to know that there are others who can relate to us

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Many even so called sexual women fake orgasm most of the time and many havent ever got one during sex. So nothing extraordinary about that, but ofcourse guys want to believe you got one because it boost their ego. But what comes to arousal....I think mind is very much connected with the body indeed. Your body reacts to your mind, so if your mind is turned on your body get aroused. Not the other way around.

Asexuals mostly does not desire sex and are not turned on easily (if at all)....but I think it is more because they dont mind sex, not because their body does not work or feel any stimulation. That is at least how it is for me.

But yes.....if you dont find similar minded partner...life might be little bit lonely sometimes in this marriage/dating oriented society of ours.

I think you've got it wrong on two points, and here's why:

You say that people get aroused based on what's happening in their minds. Yes, that often is the case, but not always. The body can also react to physical stimuli on its own, or to become aroused for no apparent reason, without sexually driven output from the mind. That's why you hear about schoolboys getting embarrassed when they get random erections in class. They may be thinking about the math lesson when it happens. I've also read about rapists who claimed that the victims were aroused, so they must have wanted it/enjoyed it. That's why I find this particular argument so offensive.

It is also true that many asexuals do not mind sex, but it is absolutely false to characterize all asexuals that way. That suggests that asexuals who don't feel anything, who feel unpleasantness or are repulsed are broken. They do exist and there is nothing wrong with them, despite what society says about us having to all love the experience of sex. There are many allosexuals as well who dislike, are repulsed by and feel pain, discomfort or nothing at all during sex. The key difference is if these feelings (or lack of feelings) distress you, then it is something that should be addressed.

This is not the first time I have to clarify or defend my comment :) maybe I try to speak straight but am not always clear enough what I want to say.

Anyhow, I said in my comment that this is how it is for me. I did not say for all people and for all asexuals it is the same. And by the way, I replied to this subject because I can relate with it. If I have to lable myself, I label myself as a asexual and I dont mind much sex and yes the whole act might make me feel even repulsed (depends) and still I dont think there is anything broken or wrong with me.

But still, usually desire start in the mind and your body reacts to that. If you think about food, you might become hungry and if you fantasize sex your body might get aroused even if nobody touch or stimulates it. But I had no intention opposite anyones comment here, because I dont. I know that body can react to heat, cold and touch even when you are in deep sleep but its not the same intence feeling than when you are fully awake, aware and into it.

By the way, I don't believe men are the right people to tell when woman body is aroused or got orgasms and when not....everyone, woman and person knows much better their own bodies and minds themselves and everybody is different and bodies works indeed differently. But this was not the subject of this topic but that does asexuality make you lonely......

No one stating you wrong oneness.... Definitely mind plays very big role in arousal but external stimuli also makes body to react. If that wasn't the case, as you would have read in many sexual novels or even heard from friends that unconscious touching arouses them. Whereas they might not be thinking sex before that touch. Funny part is I never realized that even holding hands meant sexual to many, I always thought others to think like me :lol:

I agree. Maybe some of us asexuals are just some what different :) For me hardly any touch means sexual......

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I think you should see it as a good thing. Because those men obviously have an ulterior motive, and they are forcing their sexual desires onto you. You should find a partner who respects you for who you are. That would be someone who you would want to spend the rest of your life with.

Seeing a sex is such a great expectation for so many people, I'm starting to feel like the best way to go about it is to just date another asexual.

But tbh, I've never met another asexual in real life :/

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apples and oranges

I'm not saying this is the case with you or trying to diminish how you feel, but I think a lot of women are raised to believe that they need a man to be happy. This is definitely the case with many sexual women, and maybe asexual romantics as well. And it probably goes for all genders as well. No wonder, since the culture we live in praises these kinds of relationships to much. Maybe you ought to try and let go of the thought of finding a romantic partner, at least for the moment. Focus on other things you want to do in life, meet people but not to date them? Again I know it's different for everybody and I don't want to diminish people's needs for relationships.

I myself dread the day when my friends will start moving in with their partners, buying houses, having kids and no time left for me. I will be alone because I don't want that kind of relationship. I've seen too many bad ones growing up. The thing is, when people think about themselves being married or something like that, the picture they use in their mind is the idealistic one and not the realistic one.

Maybe it's not such a bad thing being alone? My friends will probably have moments when they wish they could switch places with me. Marriage and family can be hell, but no one wants to admit it. They pretend to pity everyone who is single because they don't want to admit how frustrated and lonely they feel despite being married (I'm Swedish, maybe I've seen to many films by Bergman and the likes of him :P). And also, there will always be people, sexual and asexual, who are not interested in family life and wants close friendships. You just need to find them. And you can always get a cat or a dog :)

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I myself dread the day when my friends will start moving in with their partners, buying houses, having kids and no time left for me. I will be alone because I don't want that kind of relationship. I've seen too many bad ones growing up. The thing is, when people think about themselves being married or something like that, the picture they use in their mind is the idealistic one and not the realistic one.

Then, some years later, will come the time that some of them are getting divorced and are looking for friends again... and you'll be glad you didn't go through what they went through... and you'll have friends again.

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Star Inkbright

This also connects to my belief that extrroverts and introverts live in two different worlds and don't have the ability to understand the other, like a blind person trying to describe sound to a deaf person and vice versa.

I think that it's more of a spectrum, personally. Also, just because we maybe can't ever fully understand doesn't mean we can't get close and have quite a good idea of what the other people feel like/be able to allow, during analysis/calcuations, for the fact they feel more like this as opposed to more like that. Like, although asexuals probably won't ever fully understand the sexual feelings they don't feel, they can get a pretty good idea of what it feels like (enoguh to know they don't, at least), and be aware and allow for/acknowledge other peopel's sexual feelings.

Generally I agree with you, though. :)

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