I'm not a loner but asexuality is making me one

[Ameoba]

I've been experiencing this very often. Want to share my experience and know from others if they go through the same.

I've feeling since we, asexuals are minority, it is on us to understand sexuals and adjust all the time... because sexual ways are considered normal and asexual are just considered as "impossible" to exist

I've been in relationships before but was always stressed by the sex. When I came to know I'm actually asexual (I'm certain because all that is written here makes sense to me and I can relate to the experiences so well), I decided that I would be telling my next that I'm asexual before I officially get into the relationship.

When there is someone hitting on me, I understand what they are thinking (thanks to past relationships and the society we live in). I tell these guys that I'm asexual and I don't think about them in any sexual way. I like them, love their company, can even sleep with them cuddling but sex isn't my thing. What amazes me is their denial. They aren't ready to accept that I don't think about them in sexual way, I don't want to kiss them or want to look at them naked. Many have come up saying, I'm a liar, I do feel the same way as them but I don't want to accept it to them. They even say, they want to go sexual with me because they want to change my thinking. I just don't understand why they want to prove me that I'm not asexual when I'm more than confirmed that I'm one.

I've even told them to check AVEN and Internet, so that they understand me. Still they don't change their stance. I've moved away from few in past, but I love their company and it hurts me to just move away. I don't know how to handle such situation. I dream one day I'll meet someone who will understand me. I'll try to satisfy him as much as possible, but I want understanding from him. I'm not a loner but asexuality is making me one.

To add to all this... they comment saying how my body is getting aroused and link that to their words or presence. I've read about the signs of arousal and do know if someone will touch me, my body will react. But, my mind doesn't say that my body wants to be touched or is liking the touch or I want to have sex now. What I understand most of those physical signs are not related to feeling but are completely external and are not even getting me a feel of wanting them. I don't know how to explain this, but I've known that even if I'm feeling disgusted by the act of sex, I can fake a pleasure (without feeling one) because my body shows them signs of arousal. Once a partner said that he got me to orgasm, he felt my body shiver... I really don't understand what he meant because I didn't feel anything and couldn't even relate to what he was saying. I thought to myself, if I could understand what he was saying, I could even fake orgasm for pleasure of my partner... but what an orgasm is... if he was right that I had one, then it is just nothing to me.. no pleasure, no feeling... only aftermath is pain I go through which I never share with them because their happiness means more than my pain to me.

[Hammerheart]

I can relate to this. Some people just don't understand asexuality being a natural thing. It's like telling a heterosexual to try homosexual sex in an attempt to change their thinking - it just doesn't work, and why should it anyway? I don't think anyone I know knows I'm asexual, it's not really something I feel is important to bring up. We're all individuals, and shouldn't be made lonely for any reason. It's like having brown hair or blue eyes or pale skin. No one can change that nature, so they shouldn't try to change other natures.

Lots o' love!

[OkayWithIt]

If it's any consolation, I definitely feel arousal with certain stimuli! Yet I still clearly define myself as asexual.

I don't know what kind of people you're around, but it sure stinks that many people aren't willing to accept you for who you are! I'm sorry. :/

I'm not sure where you are in your life (high school, college/university, work life, etc.), but it sure sounds like you could use an environment change! Like, maybe finding a different social circle would lend itself nicely to making you feel more accepted. :) I know it's hard to just go find a new social circle, but if you have your best interest in mind, then you should put in the effort! Ideally you'd feel less like a loner and more accepted. And hey, maybe you would end up finding someone that is accepting and would like to be with you! :) You never know. But, as I always say after I'm done giving advice to friends/online people, you need to help yourself by doing what's best for you!

[Oneness]

Many even so called sexual women fake orgasm most of the time and many havent ever got one during sex. So nothing extraordinary about that, but ofcourse guys want to believe you got one because it boost their ego. But what comes to arousal....I think mind is very much connected with the body indeed. Your body reacts to your mind, so if your mind is turned on your body get aroused. Not the other way around.

Asexuals mostly does not desire sex and are not turned on easily (if at all)....but I think it is more because they dont mind sex, not because their body does not work or feel any stimulation. That is at least how it is for me.

But yes.....if you dont find similar minded partner...life might be little bit lonely sometimes in this marriage/dating oriented society of ours.

[Stickstome2]

Many will not understand. And some men are so pathetic and think they are studs that all women want them and desire them. So' even I was confused by my wife being asexual and it was very hard to take because I realized at that point I wasn't needed for desire. But I love her . I have actually done more research on asexuality then her probably and ever here on AVeN . I understand asexuals and cannot imagine what it must be like . I don't mean that in a bad way' but being sexual I just don't get it. But I understand . However please all you asexuals ' just try to understand what a sexual goes through as well. I wrote earlier on another post that it's painful to want what you cannot have ' and need what you can't get.

[Vagabond]

I think this is something most asexuals who want a relationship have to deal with. I haven't really been interested in anyone since I realised I'm asexual fairly recently, but I have no idea how to tell potential partners in the future. :( I think most people won't be very understanding, and even if they are, it will probably still cause a lot of problems in the long run. I mean, not just for them, the more I think about it, the more I dislike the idea of being in a relationship with someone who is sexual, even if it means they just masturbate thinking about me or something like that..

[Maverek]

This is exactly why I haven't been trying very hard to start a relationship. As much as I would like to have one, the idea of trying to explain to a potential partner that anthing sexual will most likely never happen, it stresses me out and I can seeing it ending before it can even hypothetically begin...

It would be great if I could find another asexual person to have a relationship with but the odds of that actually happening are pretty vast. Not impossible but extrememly unlikely. But hopefully I can be proven wrong in that someday. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic in that sense.

[Ameoba]

Thanks a lot for relating with me. Another person whom I liked have distanced himself from me because I didn't respond to his kissing. I could have faked, but then it would have brought only pain for me. He also would have felt betrayed by it. I'm missing him now. Should I've actually faked that I liked kissing?

[sfts]

This is exactly why I haven't been trying very hard to start a relationship. As much as I would like to have one, the idea of trying to explain to a potential partner that anthing sexual will most likely never happen, it stresses me out and I can seeing it ending before it can even hypothetically begin...

This is pretty much how I am. I don't actively try to date because I would really only date another asexual at this point and it's just too hard to try to connect.

Thanks a lot for relating with me. Another person whom I liked have distanced himself from me because I didn't respond to his kissing. I could have faked, but then it would have brought only pain for me. He also would have felt betrayed by it. I'm missing him now. Should I've actually faked that I liked kissing?

No, I don't think it's a good idea to fake it, at least not without your significant other's knowledge that it is faked. It would be a betrayal and would make it that much more confusing to him when you did explain your relationship limits relating to your asexuality. If both parties in a relationship between a sexual and an asexual know and agree that some degree of 'faking it' on the asexual's part is acceptable, then that's a different story, but the key is both parties knowing and understanding.

[Guest]

Ugggh. I hate the "your body reacts so you HAVE to like/enjoy this, I don't care what you say"... my bf can't wrap his head around yes my body produces liquids and stuff, it isn't broken. But, that doesn't mean I enjoy it. It is boring.

If you don't want sex, just be honest and eventually you may find someone that can respect that. :)

[Maelstrom_17]

Maybe you could benefit from meeting some other asexuals either through the meetup mart here on AVEN or by using Acebook.. however I don't think you should eliminate heterosexual people entirely though.

[acb]

What/where is acebook? I'm new and am dying to connect with other aces.

[Anom1990]

I am a male and relates with this post on many lvls. But I haven't tried to explain asexuality I just refer to it as low sex drive which seems in my case get better reception.
But my biggest problem is one that she takes up, the refusal to accept that I don't like sex that much (not at all if truly) but my uninterests in sexual activity and my focus on the romatical, often becomes a worry for my partner that I do not like them. This creates tension in the relationship which is really depressing.

Reason that I refer it as low sex-drive is that I find some enjoyment out of pleasing my partner and I do not find the act disgusting even thou I do not like some kind of sex act which makes me unconformable. But this has it limit often it becomes a shore, and this is when my uninterest is interpret as dislike, less caring or not finding my partner beautiful.

Liked the post "nice" to see that it is kind of the same problem for others, nice to relate, thx

[Ameoba]

Loneliness is so high that I feel asexuality is a curse. If I was sexual, there were so many who would have wanted to spend time with me. Now, since I refuse for sex, all so called close friends are also keeping distance. They claim they avoid me because they want to have sex with me...

Seems like when u reach 30, all friends are lost, they are busy with their family lives...and those available are sexually starving... where should I go and die?

[travelingnotes]

"I've been in relationships before but was always stressed by the sex."

THIS. And literally this entire thread. I can relate to everything here. My last boyfriend, well, he was convinced that it was because of my past (trauma and stuff) and as if some day it can be fixed or healed or something when really, this is totally separate from that.

It is a vey lonely thing. I feel like I will never find someone who will really understand or WANT to be with me like this because, well, everyone else is so sexual it seems impossible.

I like romantic stuff.. but sexual stuff? Just not interested.

[Crowgale]

Loneliness is so high that I feel asexuality is a curse. If I was sexual, there were so many who would have wanted to spend time with me. Now, since I refuse for sex, all so called close friends are also keeping distance. They claim they avoid me because they want to have sex with me...

I can relate to this so much and I'm glad this topic exists because it's helped me understand a few problems I've had myself. Though I'm still fairly new to this website and to my own asexual self-discovery, I find that it could be viewed as a curse but it's actually helped me step up my self-confidence. There's a phrase that I love that goes along the lines of 'Stand up for what you believe in, even if you stand alone.'

Even though I'm not the sharpest pin out there, I do feel I've been blessed with a creative and imaginative mind that can learn quickly. I've had people who have admitted they liked me sexually so I understand how to read the signs. Once upon a time, all I ever wanted was to find my soul mate and even though I've been lucky enough to find a small group of really good friends, I'm an introvert and always have been, which I like very much. But it does mean I can only hang around groups (friends or family) for certain periods of time. I can't seem to 'work' with the main group of friends because my loves are at their strongest with my career and hobby passions. I know my friends are there when I need them but sometimes I wish I could just naturally blend in with the rest whenever it comes to going out drinking or any other social outing. I feel that my quiet confidence and lack of sexual understanding puts my friends off me because the main topics discussed or friendship chemistry are quite sexual or their sense of humour is different. Don't get me wrong, I have tried. I just end up hating myself because I act out of my natural personality.

All the time I have this constant battle of wanting to be alone and not wanting to be alone. It's really difficult and it hurts when I feel I'm being viewed as not fun to be around. But I'm aware it's because I'm a little different. It's just lonely.

[Xavy]

I undertand this completely. I have made myself comfortable with the idea of being alone for the rest of my life because I know I can never be in a relationship in which sex is a key element, and there are so few asexual people in the world, that the odds of getting into a relationship with another asexual is very slim.

[travelingnotes]

It's true. I'm trying to get myself comfortable with the idea of being alone as well, but it makes me sad..

[Crowgale]

The odds may be slim, but I don't believe they're impossible :)

[That asexual guy]

I'm very much a loner and have been since I was a child. I have a few close friends, but I actually enjoy (believe it or not) spending a lot of time by myself and doing things by myself. I have often wondered if I am asexual because I'm a loner, or if I'm a loner because I'm asexual, or if they are both separate and unique parts of who I am that complement each other so well I can't separate them. I recently finished reading Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto by Anneli Rufus. I think, like with asexuality, there are misconceptions of what it means to be a loner, as everyone associates it with pathology when it's just the way someone is.

[Moon Ace]

I can very much relate even though I haven't been in a relationship for a very, very long time and I have a male body(I think the social mechanics are a bit different for different sexes). For me it even extends to friendships so I've become very wary and weary of starting friendships, let alone relationships...

I generally don't mind being alone, but at the same time I'm aware that for me, and many of us, there is the potential to give up everything we are for a relationship of whatever kind. Then it turns from compromise into servitude where we live someone else's life for the sake of romance and company... I don't think that's a healthy situation at all, so I don't think a lot of fakery is a good idea. Before you know it you're in a situation where you have to fake more and more, feeling a fraud... making yourself very unhappy and feeling there's not decent way out. I think compromise is finding a happy balance and it may take time to find out how far you want to go and to get used to the implications of that decision. I agree that it is possible to find a relationship that works, but that the odds are much smaller for us. I don't feel mixed relationships work, but there is a lot of evidence on this site that proves me wrong! Honesty is key I think. How would you feel if you spend years doing fun things with someone you love and they turned around and told you they hated evey bit of it and were faking enjoyment?

As for arousal I can compare it to freewheeling on a bike... Sexual people like cycling and will pedal as hard and as much as they can. For us, we don't find cycling attractive but may still have our feet on the pedals, but that doesn't mean your bike won't move if it's given a push, however much we dislike the movement and the speed... If this analogy makes sense...

[Mycroft is Yourcroft]

Ugggh. I hate the "your body reacts so you HAVE to like/enjoy this, I don't care what you say"... my bf can't wrap his head around yes my body produces liquids and stuff, it isn't broken.

I know...

One way I explained to a DouBag was that it's like cutting your finger: You feel pain involuntarily, your finger oozes blood involuntarily. Replace 'pain', 'finger' and 'blood' with the appropriate nouns and you're all set! :)

There are people who would be sexually attracted to the finger example too, so you could also say to your disbeliever that even if that example doesn't seem sexually appealing to them, it would be for others (just as sexual activity they enjoy isn't appealing to you).

[Ri_ver]

I haven't had anyone since I found out about my asexuality... Mostly because I know they are sexual people and nowadays it seems everyone wants to have sex on the first date... I don't really trust even those I've known for a long time, so I don't know how to deal with romantical relationships anymore... I can't just tell a complete stranger that 'Hello I'm asexual.' I just physically can't do it, because I chicken out.

And also I just feel I can't do that to sexual people... After a while in a relationship I would consider having sex - to make him happy, but for that I need to trust my partner completly, and that takes time. I would have to find a really patient man for that...

That's why not long ago I decided that at least I will be the mad-old-woman-with-the-lots-of-cats nextdoor...

[Rye]

Thanks a lot for relating with me. Another person whom I liked have distanced himself from me because I didn't respond to his kissing. I could have faked, but then it would have brought only pain for me. He also would have felt betrayed by it. I'm missing him now. Should I've actually faked that I liked kissing?

Trust me, in the end changing who you are for someoneelse won't work..

I was on the other side...

And in the end completly walked away from a girl I liked....

I think open-minded/accepting people are what are the best for us ?

Maybe you can meet him again when he has grown more accepting ?

Till then it is for the best to work on oneselfs happiness, I guess ?

[Janus the Fox]

is it just me... Or I really can't see Asexuality being a direct cause for loneliness... I interact with people, have people I know... I can have relationships if I wanted I don't see myself as lonely just because I can't experience sexual attraction...

[Crowgale]

Remember we're all different with different scenarios, circumstances etc. I don't think we're saying that it's the only cause. It's just some experiences we've had with being friendly with someone - especially if it's a special someone - have automatic connections with the idea of sex by others. If the sex bit is out, some can be put off by you. Of course if you're lucky enough to find people who aren't like that then you're okay. Which is why I said before, it's not impossible.

[Xavy]

is it just me... Or I really can't see Asexuality being a direct cause for loneliness... I interact with people, have people I know... I can have relationships if I wanted I don't see myself as lonely just because I can't experience sexual attraction...

You are right asexuality is not an automatic cause of loneliness.

[Ameoba]

is it just me... Or I really can't see Asexuality being a direct cause for loneliness... I interact with people, have people I know... I can have relationships if I wanted I don't see myself as lonely just because I can't experience sexual attraction...

You are right asexuality is not an automatic cause of loneliness.

When u r young, you get friends. I never felt lonely then. Now, that all my friends are married and many have kids, they don't have time for me. I'm single and in this sexual world single means available too. Most of people I get friendly with get attracted in wrong way. I'm confused what signals I give them. Recently, I lost another friend because he is blunt in saying that he can't meet me because all he thinks is having sex with me. And he doesn't want to hurt me by that.

This have gone bad to extent, that when I tried to meet him on hearing bad news in his life, to be there as a friend, he was angry on me that why I came. Why can't I understand that he finds it difficult to control his urges, I'm asexual but he is not.

What should I do?

[Arethusa]

To the extent that I'm lonely, which isn't very much, all told, I'm lonely because I'm in a school environment with very short and intense terms, coupled with the fact that I am required to go home (in another country, where none of my friends from school live anymore) when school is not in session. What I've been noticing, though, is that I'm deliberately holding myself back when interacting with people who might be interested in me, because I'm not sure when and how to reveal the elephant in the room, given especially that I have zero dating experience. I know this isn't a total Catch-22, but it can feel like one sometimes.

[merkat82]

Seems like when u reach 30, all friends are lost, they are busy with their family lives...and those available are sexually starving... where should I go and die?

I understand this way too much. I'm turning 32 soon and it seems like friends are few and far between and I just lost my best friend of 10 years. Why? Because he claimed I have been "teasing" him with my asexuality. The rest have formed families and simply don't have time to be friends anymore. And yup, I've definitely run into the sexually starving - they act almost like sex addicts.

I did have a pleasant day today though. For some reason, there are a bunch of people in my area in their 40s who either have grown children and are separated/divorced and remind me more of childless singles with "normal" sex drives, or never had children, have partners, but are totally cool about everything. I ran into a bunch of these acquaintances and it was a breath of fresh air to be around like-minded people who aren't emotionally distant or totally obsessed with getting into my pants. If you're wondering where I met them, I was politically active for a while and went to democratic/green party events and general local community and arts events and kept running into them.

But yes, I can also relate to OP's post in a way. Those who are single and sexual never make an effort to understand where I'm coming from and seem to expect me to play completely into their sexual desperation and please them. There seems to be a sort of entitlement on their side, that, even if I was sexual, I think it would disgust me, as they feel they are owed sex.