Denial... did anyone else experience this?

[icarusjmfm]

I knew I was different from my peers Around 15, but it wasn't until I turned 18 last year that I could actually identify as asexual. It was weird... I was fine being 'different', but as soon as I had a name for what I was, I somehow wasn't as comfortable with it. For weeks it was like I was trying to convince myself I wasn't, I started dating again, but it just proved to me that I was. It took me a while to come to terms with it, but I can now accept and embrace who I am. I was just wondering if anyone else felt this way when they first identified, or was it a relief to finally have a name for how you felt?

[Synchrèse]

Hi!

I guess that there are many people who actually experience or experienced denial. We live in a highly sexualized society,so normally you do not expect yourself to be...asexual. I guess that this asymmetry between what society shows us as 'right' and who we actually are (and that is independent from us) makes it problematic to accept our asexuality.

We've already started two topics about it quite recently, so if you'd like to check them out, there you go:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/102349-self-acceptance/

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/102407-trouble-accepting-my-asexuality-and-aromanticism-help/

[littlepersonparadox]

Hey. Denial is probably more common. For the reasons pointed out above probably. I spent a year and a half of knowing about asexuality before I started identifying as such. It takes awhile, to get used to it as we'll as figure out what it all means. For me though it was a bit of both. On the one had I was so happy because I felt like I fit in so well, when a lot of the time I felt out of place. But on the other it came with insecurity about what being asexual would for me in relation to my current and future relationships. Now I can't imagine what's it like not to be ac e. not that I had any real idea in the first place.

[Member54880]

Yes, I've experienced denial about it from myself, and others. When I first realized I was asexual, and knew the term, I accepted it right away, but didn't feel a need to come out to anyone until a few years later. The first people I came out to were unsupportive friends, who kept denying it, to the point I thought I was wrong about myself.

I didn't completely deny it, but I felt like I couldn't identify as asexual because I didn't have their approval. This lasted for 2.5 years. In hindsight, I'm angry at myself for giving their words so much power over me, and while they accept my asexuality now, I'm angry that they thought they had the right to be the identity police at the time.

[luxurieux]

I've definitely experienced a lot of denial. I think I'm still experiencing it sometimes even now, after pretty much fully accepting it.

I think a large part of it for me is doubt. I doubt that I'm asexual because I still experience arousal, and I still enjoy porn, and I can still fantasize about sex without being grossed out. But then I try to put myself into that situation and I'm completely disgusted by it. It took me a while to really put two and two together, to be honest. I mean, I read the definition of asexual and said "yeah, that sounds like me," but kind of laughed it off and didn't think about it too seriously until I started realizing how truly sexual my friends were and how completely nonsexual I was. A large part of the doubt also comes from being sexually harassed for several months on a school bus, which often makes me wonder if I'm not truly asexual but instead just remembering the fear associated with that.

But more of my denial comes from my gender identity, to be honest. Being asexual is fairly easy. As long as I'm not "gay", my family won't hate me. And I don't plan on coming out as asexual because it's not really worth it. But my gender is impossible. I've cut my hair off and my dad has already told me several times how I "look like a boy." As if it's a bad thing. But it's what I wanted. And I was happy with it. And I'm still happy with it. But the way he says that phrase makes me doubt myself and fear the judgement I might receive if I fully expressed my gender. I makes me wish sometimes that I'd never learned about myself, that I hadn't cut my hair, that I still wore makeup, that I was still too self-conscious to do anything for myself. Having only been home for less than a week, it's really testing my resolve, so to speak. I'd like so much to get out of this house so I can express my gender and sexuality freely because being here always sends me 20 steps backwards.

The denial and doubt only increases the longer I remain here.

[DarkDragonn]

Denial's been a part of my experience too. Mostly when it came to Aromanticism (it took me almost two years to accept the term applied to me). I still sometimes find myself going 'no I can't be asexual' in my head, like asexuality is something that happens to other people. It's like I'm weirdly detached from myself, and moments later I realize 'oh right, those other people who are asexual are actually me'. It's like part of my brain just can't accept this gap between what I've been taught to expect and what I actually am, and is trying to deny it for me.

[Jac the Knave]

Personally I didn't have the opportunity to deny my asexuality. I had no name to place to my lack of desire and everyone assumed I was being a good Christian. I stopped having religion as an excuse after leaving the church. However, I was in a relationship by that point, so was not usually amorously pursued. Now that I am single again I've tried to explain my sexual apathy and dearth of libido to others, while personally doubting myself.

Is there a medical reason I don't care? Am I being cold and distant so I can avoid social complications? Am I being selfish by refusing to perform sexual actions to which I have admitted mean nothing to me?

Nevertheless, I don't see these questions as denying my asexuality. Moreso, they acknowledge the fact that I am, but have little experience in addressing the truth of it. I never considered it to even be a matter that required introspection, because sexuality/gender meant so little to me I didn't think of it. It wasn't until I had to explain myself to every curious soul that I began to reflect upon my personal misgivings.

Coming here I hope to learn more about how people respond to asexuality and reach a deeper understanding of myself. In this manner I aim to resolve my doubt. I don't deny what I am. I just don't have precise definition of how it fits within my identity.

[Acaeria]

I first discovered asexuality about six months ago, and I started thinking that because I was 13, nobody would take me seriously (despite the fact that a guy in my class came out as bi and my younger friend also came out as bi last year and were both taken seriously). I still haven't really told anyone, but I'm taking myself seriously now, unlike I was a few months ago.

[Excandesco]

I'm still denying it. ^^

[prof mags]

ive experienced a mishmash of denial over the years first was i would deny being asexual because i had a libido and i thought to be asexual meant you had none then i went through a few years of hell trying to deny being sexual because i was never comfortable with the fact (ive recently realized this may be due to me leaning towards sex repulsion) and when i finally learnt how asexuality was a spectrum i was over the moon because it meant i wasnt just repressed or in denial about my sexuality but saying that im still in very real denial about my libido so im still torn up about the whole affair

[Guest Cairne Bloodhoof]

I didn't deny it. At first, I was unsure if this is what I am. So I started a research. Imagine a scientist in his laboratory when he watches a liquid in a vial through a magnifier. Then, he shakes the vial and discovers something. Then he starts to jump and cries in joy. He has just discovered something. Well, that was me when I found I am asexual :) . I discovered something about myself. A pleasant moment for me. This was playing in my head whe I discovered it: http://youtu.be/jYgvZKlDM0g .

Now I know who I am. It makes me happy and free. But, I am still afraid of telling it to anyone, so I keep it as my secret.

[coyote55]

I was in denial for many years, but it was mainly cultural- there was no language to describe my situation as an asexual. I spent a decade or more trying to pretend I was a "normal" sexual person, and it took two failed relationships before I accepted that sexuality would simply never work for me. Unfortunately, these failures put me off of romantic attachments as well, and it's going to be a big challenge to learn how to open that door again.

[stayfrosty]

I myself am kind of caught up in denial/doubt right now. Since I've been reading up more on asexuality lately I've had kind of an "this kinda fits me" experience. But I'm just not sure if I'm willing/able to say if I'm ace or not. It does seem to fit me quite well, I dare say, but I just have this constant nagging "what if that's not it" feeling when I think about it and about what I might identify as.

[knitwit]

As soon as I started reading about asexuality, it just clicked. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was asexual (this was only about 3 months ago). Presently, the only people that know are my mom and my best friend. My mom didn't think it was that big of a deal. I don't really feel comfortable telling the rest of my friends and family yet. But I'm not going to hide it either. I'm comfortable and happy with who I am, and that's all that matters.

[Rye]

Its easy to feel 'broken' as an ace in our world...

No rolemodels either...

+ romantic-only relationships are viewed as 'puppy-love'.

[Dethsdream]

I was so in denial that I went to a therapist to help me sort things out. In hindsight I realize that it probably made things worse. I loved my best friend so much that my therapist assumed that I was gay (even though I told her repeatedly that I had no sexual interest or romantic interest in her- she told me I was just internalizing my feelings), so that made things even more confusing for me. I tried out being in a relationship with a girl that I found intellectually stimulating (and who became very important to me friendship-wise) and was simply unable to provide what was expected in a romantic and sexual relationship because of my disinterest in sex and romantic gestures (of course my experience may be different because I am very much aromantic).

Anyway, I think we all experience some denial because of how much our culture is focused on sex. It just depends on the person as to how soon they accept their asexuality, grey asexuality, or demisexuality. I think that because of pressure some of us try to have sexual relationships in order to fit in, and even when we have a name for our experience it may take a while to accept our orientation and feelings as genuine.

(Sorry if that seemed like a ramble- I kind of have had some bad experiences with societal expectations and denial, myself)

[travelingnotes]

For me it wasn't so much denial as just feeling 'broken' or 'messed up'.. but now, I'm embracing it. <3

[AlwaysADreamer]

I spent weeks watching videos on youtube and rereading the FAQ sections on the AVEN website before solidly saying that I was comfortable with this label. It was a few more months before I was able to call myself a panromantic. I guess it was more of me making sure that this was truly who I was and making sure I was comfortable.

[Copper]

Yep. Romantic orientation was the hardest. When I first realized that there are asexual people who have celibate romantic relationships, I was baffled. I literally could not see the difference between two close friends and two people dating if there is no possibility of sex. I was always thinking that if I was attracted to someone that I would consider sex a possibility. When I pictured my feelings for the hypothetical person, I just thought of friends who have sex. It took me a long time to realize that romantic attraction doesn't work like that. Once I did, I panicked. I didn't want to be alone forever! Of course, now I know that there are ways around this. But then? Nope, I became that annoying person that says "Maybe you just haven't met the right person yet", but to myself.

[Ri_ver]

Denial was my first thought. I was struggling with myself because this was the only reasonable explanation, and yet I refused to believe it. Before I've always thought that 'I haven't met the right one yet' (I would punch old me in the face), but someday I will, and I will experience the feeling everyone is talking about. Because everyone around me is always talking about sex. So that's why I felt depressed, and that's why I tried to deny it, because I'll never feel that way.

It's still hard, but I think I'm on my way to acceptance. I haven't spoken about my sexuality with anyone in person, and this makes it harder, but this community makes everything a bit more easy :)

[ChaosKaosu]

For over ten years I didn't really care.

Then it did hit me that I have never had real desire to date or do anything else that contributes towards getting children.

I still don't really care that much.

[joseph1]

I'm fighting with denial now, mostly because I have regret for trying so hard to figure this out the last 10 years. Feel silly for watching lesbian porn because of fear of being gay and to try to figure out what I am missing. Feel silly for trying so hard to be sexual and date when it never did anything for me. I am glad that it is starting to feel obvious that I have always been asexual, but it is hard to deal with.

[Ultima]

A couple of years ago I watched a documentary on Asexuality. But somehow I failed to put 2 and 2 together. It literally took nearly 2 years for me to realize that I was asexual after watching that documentary. I watched it again a couple of weeks ago and now I think that I had not really watched it. It was just like when my parents gave my sex talk when I was 11. I barely listened, it seemed to have nothing to do with me.

[manny-senpai]

My story started when I was in 8th grade and my first girlfriend. I never kissed her but I did hold her hand a couple times. It was about 4 months until she broke up with me because my lack of "sexual forwardness" (during 8th grade I considered kissing a sexual act... innocent I know) bored her. I never saw her in the way the guys at my school talked about actresses/models. All I did was love her the way I naturally thought. Fast forward a couple years the testosterone levels around me escalated a couple buildings high now (note: All boys school). So I was very worried that I was going to be labeled an outcast because of my disinterest in their everyday subjects.

10th grade the pressure caught up to me and I got a girlfriend. This girl was overtly sexual. I thought maybe she could "fix" me and my disinterest. Put the experience in a quick summary I got to second base andI told her that she could do the same with me (even though I wasn't really looking forward to it). Before she could I broke up with her because forcing myself into all those situations was pretty stressful and if it needs to be forced then clearly it wash;t meant to be. (Her brother was a pretty cool kid though).

I spent the last two years of high school doing my best to avoid conversations about them sharing their sex stories or who they would deem "bangable". It wasn't until the summer after graduation that I found AVEN and was became educated about asexuality. Now I don't question my sexuality but I am still questioning the romantic spectrum.

[Sage Raven Domino]

Has anyone experienced an opposite kind of denial - considered themselves asexual but then felt strong true sexual desire and started inventing excuses for it? That hasn't happened to me :) but would be a nightmare because it would mean that I'm broken and pursuit of sex would make life harder.

[Mycroft is Yourcroft]

A few months ago I was in denial for about a week, though it was less a strong rejection of asexuality and more experimentation was other sexual orientations.

Obviously, it was over in a flash as I remembered AVEN has more cake