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pheobe-the-minion

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pheobe-the-minion

Okay, so this may have come up plenty, but I need confirmation.

When I heard the term Asexual, I wasn't really that well informed and I just continued every day life. However, I'm quite confused now. I find sex gross, embarrassing and a topic I'd rather avoid, and I feel awkward when people discuss it with me. When friends are talking about crushes or people they fancy and say 'they're well hot' or say that they're good looking, I can either agree or disagree, usually going with 'yeah they're alright'. I can't deal with people hugging me or making innuendos and joking about it. I've never wanted to have a sexual relationship, kiss someone or anything like that. A blog I follow posts music and 'porn', like boobs and bodies and everything, but it doesn't affect me; I just have no reaction, as in not enjoying it or repulsed, like the object is some old book in a shop. And on the masturbation topic, again I see no reward or reason to do it, no appeal.

So I thought maybe I'm asexual?

But then I see things about desire and attraction and I get really confused because I can agree that someone is good looking, and when I've seen couples together hugging or holding hands, I find it cute and stuff. On the flip-side, I would feel seriously out of place doing that. I really don't like people being naked in a sexy way, like doing biology I'm fine and everything but as soon as it's done for arousal I can't stand it . A friend tried to make me watch Magic Mike, and I had to switch it off really early because I found it gross. Most people I know have either had sex, a boyfriend/girlfriend, or kissed someone, yet I feel literally nothing like that. I guess I've had a crush, like happy to be around someone, always smiling and stuff, but never wanted to actually be their girlfriend, just enjoying hanging around with them. And when I mentioned about never really understanding how to show romantic affection, flirting, intimacy I put it down to being clueless and maybe Asexual, only to be answered "asexuality goes against human nature and hormones, so it's not actually real, you're probably just frigid from the way you were raised" and I basically thought oh crap I'm screwed, I don't work.

So maybe someone can shed a bit of light on my situation?

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The litmus test for asexuality is "Have you ever felt sexually attracted to someone?" If the answer is no, then you are probably asexual. If the answer was something along the lines of "Yes, but only a few times..." you are probably somewhere on the asexual spectrum.

Asexuality is a recognized sexuality in the DSM V (The big book of diseases). In the entry under Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, it makes the distinction between HSDD and asexuality by requiring the lack of sexual desire to be causing direct discomfort in the patient. For example, if you aren't feeling sexual desire and that fact worries you, then they will treat you. However, if you don't feel sexual desire and the fact that no one believes you is what is bothering you would be asexuality. The diagnosis process is a bit more complex than that, but just giving a simplified example.

On desire and attraction, you can still romantically (want to spend your time in close relationship, often with sensual but not sexual contact) desire someone, or platonically (Best Friends Forever!) desire someone without it being sexual attraction. I often describe what I feel when I look at a pretty girl similar to what I feel when I look at a lovely sunset. It is pretty, but, I have no desire to have sex with it/her.

On the flip side, I think about 20%-ish asexuals are aromantic (according to one of the polls on AVEN) which means they have no desire for romantic partners either. I know I used to think romance was a means to an end (you were romantic so the girl would like you to sleep with you), but after hanging around here, I realize that was an incorrect assumption. I am aromantic, so why people would do romantic things was beyond me, unless it was to get sex. This assumption was based off of media's description of what people did in relationships, and not in reality, so it was wrong. I could accept that people really liked sex, but, I don't think I can really grasp how powerful that drive is. I just thought of it as something people liked to do. Some people like to jump out of perfectly good aircraft too. I don't judge them, it is just not something I would like to do.

I hope this helps you figure yourself out.

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lycanrising

Hey phoebe, nice to meet you. It sounds like you might identify as a repulsed asexual and possibly romantic. That's a useful concept worth knowing: some like the idea of splitting up attracting into sexual and romantic. Both are spectrums and it's possible to be anywhere on either spectrum at the same time.

So asexual means you don't have sexual attraction to anyone, and there are others on aven who also identify as repulsed, they find the idea of sexuality disturbing or just unlikable. But romantic orientation, as being completely separate, can indicate if you're attracted to anyone. So it's perfectly possible to be heteroromantic, be attracted to the opposite sex/gender, whilst being asexual and lacking any sexual desire. It's also possible to be aromantic and asexual, no sexual or romantic desire to anyone.

Masturbation is, from what I understand, linked to libido and has nothing to do with sexual desire. Lack of libido is not exclusively linked with asexuals just as a libido is not liked with sexuals.

The community has also come up with a term for a non sexual crush where the symptoms are similar but you really want to just be around them a lot:a squish, maybe you identify with that more.

And no, whoever said the words 'against human nature...not real...frigid...how you were raised' is, at best, unknowledgable or at worst wilfully ignorant. Ignore them and focus on how you feel, not how others say you should feel. If you read through material and realise you identify with the term asexual and are comfortable with it, then that's the end of the matter.

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TheKindredSoul

Okay, so this may have come up plenty, but I need confirmation.

When I heard the term Asexual, I wasn't really that well informed and I just continued every day life. However, I'm quite confused now. I find sex gross, embarrassing and a topic I'd rather avoid, and I feel awkward when people discuss it with me. When friends are talking about crushes or people they fancy and say 'they're well hot' or say that they're good looking, I can either agree or disagree, usually going with 'yeah they're alright'. I can't deal with people hugging me or making innuendos and joking about it. I've never wanted to have a sexual relationship, kiss someone or anything like that. A blog I follow posts music and 'porn', like boobs and bodies and everything, but it doesn't affect me; I just have no reaction, as in not enjoying it or repulsed, like the object is some old book in a shop. And on the masturbation topic, again I see no reward or reason to do it, no appeal.

So I thought maybe I'm asexual?

But then I see things about desire and attraction and I get really confused because I can agree that someone is good looking, and when I've seen couples together hugging or holding hands, I find it cute and stuff. On the flip-side, I would feel seriously out of place doing that. I really don't like people being naked in a sexy way, like doing biology I'm fine and everything but as soon as it's done for arousal I can't stand it . A friend tried to make me watch Magic Mike, and I had to switch it off really early because I found it gross. Most people I know have either had sex, a boyfriend/girlfriend, or kissed someone, yet I feel literally nothing like that. I guess I've had a crush, like happy to be around someone, always smiling and stuff, but never wanted to actually be their girlfriend, just enjoying hanging around with them. And when I mentioned about never really understanding how to show romantic affection, flirting, intimacy I put it down to being clueless and maybe Asexual, only to be answered "asexuality goes against human nature and hormones, so it's not actually real, you're probably just frigid from the way you were raised" and I basically thought oh crap I'm screwed, I don't work.

So maybe someone can shed a bit of light on my situation?

Some of the things you said I can relate to very much.

Masturbation is not something that determines if you are asexual or not. Many asexuals masturbate, then there are some like me who do not. This is known as being "non-libidoist".

Since I do not masturbate, I am considered a non-libidoist. You might actually be one. It is not just exclusive to asexuals; sexuals can be non-libidoist too.

Well, I see beautiful people all the time and I am able to acknowledge it, being an artist and all. You can see someone as beautiful without being romantically or sexually attracted to them.

This is called aesthetic attraction: when you can appreciate someone for their beauty, but you do not want to do anything romantic/sexual with them. This does not determine sexuality/romantic orientation.

I am an aromantic as well, and I am completely unable to understand how romantic intimacy works. I am sure this relates to me being aromantic, not my lack of experience. If romantics know what romance is to them at such a young age, then I am sure my cluelessness might be related to my aromantic nature. I do not get crushes, I get squishes. Squishes are aromantic, non-sexual crushes.

In other words, a squish is when you want to be someone's friend a lot, and it tends to be a little stronger than a "normal" friendship (though it is still aromantic/non-sexual). Have you ever thought of yourself as possibly being an aromantic asexual?

Oh my goodness, I hate it when people say things like that! Do they not realize how damaging this is to say to someone? :( I understand that most people are uneducated about asexuality, but to say something like this without giving it much thought is just terrible. Calling someone broken and abnormal is just not right! You work just fine. Asexuality is normal just like any other orientation. Asexuals have normal hormones like all human beings, so do not allow them to get inside your head. You are perfectly fine! :) **hugs**

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  • 6 months later...
pheobe-the-minion

It's been about six months now I think, and I just had my birthday... everything's going okay actually. At the time of this post I was coming up for my gcse exams and there was a bit of family conflict going on. I actually got really good results! In August I came out to my cousin and best friend which was slightly awkward seeing as they gave the same response as most, but tbh it doesn't matter because it's my choice and I've decided to not tell any more people, and I just let my mum go on about how I'll meet the right person or how I'll just start dating at uni (my cousins got her first boyfriend and she's my age so yeah). I started college in September which has turned out awesome and I've got great friends, but the ironic thing is they are the most sex positive and active people ever so that can lead to a lot of second hand embarrassment on my part when they get talking about stuff (they're actually lovely and amazing) and joined student council, the events team and the volleyball club. I just got an ace ring, because it's more of a self reaffermer (is that a word?) that I'm not a mess, broken, attention seeking and all that jazz, I've become much more self confident and I'm so glad that I could find this community otherwise I think the past six month especially would've been much darker.

Thank you guys!

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