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Pretty Scared


rebelsoldier5643

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rebelsoldier5643

Hi everyone! I just want to start by saying I am not asexual, but my partner is. We made some plans to move in together and I'm scared about messing up. Messing up being things such as kissing her and touching her. My partner tells me to just not do it, but I'm still afraid of being extremely tempted. As you can probably tell, she's not a fan of touching or hugging or kissing. The worst part is that I'm a virgin and heterosexual. I feel like being a virgin and hetero with a partner who is asexual and of the opposite gender, that I may lose some kind of self control. I mean, I typically have a lot of will power, but I still have this fear with no touching, hugging, kissing, and sex added to the equation that I will lose my will power. I guess I just would like some comfort and advice from those who also have an asexual partner.

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No matter what society would like you to believe, we are all extremely capable of not acting on sexual impulse. I purposefully have absolutely no tolerance for people who feel like they have no control over their own bodies. You do. Trust me. If you are sorely tempted to touch someone and you end up touching them that's because you decided to let yourself touch them. Don't BS yourself or anyone else that you made anything else but a conscious decision on the matter.

But I suppose that falls under "losing willpower," eh? Well, I guess that's fine to admit. I don't know why you agreed on moving in together if you're already feeling like it's going to cause problems by making you sexually frustrated and your partner uncomfortable. Have you considered that you two may be inherently incompatible based on your differing needs? It's okay if you are. Just trust me, no one is going to change in this relationship. If you want to stick it through, you're going to have to expect some very, very rough waters.

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Arctic_Revenge

Hayo! Welcome to AVEN!

First of all, give yourself a pat on the back for being so respectful of your partner's orientation! It takes a DAMN dedicated person to stay with someone after finding out, since sex is often a dealbreaker.

Secondly, you have to know that not all Aces are the same. Find out what what kind of Ace she is and work together to find her comfort zone.

Some Aces are cool with cuddles and fluff, some like kissing. Some are even ok with sex, but they just don't feel a drive for it. Others don't like touching at all.

There are even Aces with sexless kinks, which you can read about in the forums if you dig deep enough.

My biggest tip is to not stress bout it. If you stress, it will drive you crazy trying to be perfect all the time and it will strain the relationship.

Try to turn this into a bonding experience i you can. If she doesn't know exactly where she stands as an Ace, helping her figure it out can bring you closer.

If she does know where she stands, great! Have her explain it to you and let her lead until you get settled with her boundaries.

If you're still worried about transgressing those boundaries, or feel you can't be satisfied with her boundaries, communicate and talk it out.

Aces get very worried for their partner's happiness when they have to give up sex, with no compensation.

It's why a lot of Aces don't seek relationships. It's an awful lot to ask of a partner to be faithful and celibate or mostly celibate.

If you have questions, feel free to message me :)

Good luck!

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rebelsoldier5643

Thanks you guys! I just wanted to let you all know that she's the kind who doesn't like any touching. I also should add that I sometimes tend to overreact. But I mean, if I'm able to control my other basic needs, I should be able to control my sexual ones! Right?

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I agree with Ravako. You are 100% in control of your body. That doesn't mean that this kind of relationship is right for you, though. You should really sit down and think about what your needs are in a relationship.

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rebelsoldier5643

Guys, don't question whether the relationship is right for me or not. I know it is because all I want is for my partner to be happy. I've thought about this even at times when we've been upset with each other and I'm sure about my relationship and feelings for her. I love her!

I guess the bigger deal is moving in with someone. I mean, I've never done that in my entire life!

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Rebel, If you do decide to move in, will your sexual/intimate expectations and hopes increase? Mine would - which would cause difficulties. Consider separate bedrooms.

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rebelsoldier5643

Wayyyyyyyy ahead of you! We've got plans for separate bedrooms. She actually mad them. I exactly know how I felt about it at first, but it didn't take me long to like the idea!

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It sounds to me like you guys are thought-out enough and that you care about her enough that you could make this work if you wanted to. You are in control of your own body. You can control all your other basic needs and you can control this one too. Congratulations on the step up to moving in, I hope it works out well for both of you

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Guys, don't question whether the relationship is right for me or not. I know it is because all I want is for my partner to be happy. I've thought about this even at times when we've been upset with each other and I'm sure about my relationship and feelings for her. I love her!

I guess the bigger deal is moving in with someone. I mean, I've never done that in my entire life!

I don't know, man. I've been in a relationship with a sexual person for eight and a half years and I still think questioning what's right for you (regardless of the amount of love you feel) is still perfectly healthy. You have to understand that no one is putting your relationship into question; I in particular am just asking if you've really put thought into this. Not that you necessarily need to at this moment. I just want to highlight that it's perfectly okay to ask yourself questions about what you want and need in a relationship and I really think that it would be a healthy thing for you to do. Saying "I don't care, I love them" is sweet and all, but I do wonder if that's enough in most cases.

That's all. I wish you luck.

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rebelsoldier5643

Well, to be honest I've told everyone (including myself) that sex wasn't a big deal to me in a relationship. I still believe that, but my only problem is how I get urges and then act upon them. I really love and respect everything she stands for and I'd love to spend the rest of my life with her. I guess if I love her so much then I shouldn't have to worry about acting upon those urges. I mean, I really love this girl and want to do everything I can to make her happy. I've thought about a life with her ever since we met.

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It sounds like you will be fine :) you are obviously communicating and you are invested in her comfort and happiness so I don't think you will have a problem with will power anymore than you do now. Best of luck and make sure you think of ourself too ;)

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rebelsoldier5643

Thanks guys! Your comments have really helped me in evaluating myself and I believe I should be ready for the time that we move in!

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