I said I was asexual, get that wax out of your ears!

[Chikaru56]

What do you do to attract those who aren't sexuals? (read on or don't, this is the question I'm asking, the rest is...ranting stuff xD)

I'm done having relationships with people who say 'it's okay not to have sex' then continuously pressure me to have it. Generally, people don't deal with stalkers trying to get into their life and pants, or crazy people who rip off the wings of a butterfly for fun trying to be their friend, so why should I have to deal with someone's constant berate of sexual desire to get it on?

Unfortunetly, I did deal with it before, and it has caused some mental issues that, after a year of counselling, still hasn't begin to fix. Because, in the grande scheme of things, if you don't want sex, it doesn't matter how much you love the person, it doesn't matter how much the other person wants it, you shouldn't have to do something you aren't comfortable with. And really, if someone actually loves you, they wouldn't make you feel bad or guilty that you aren't getting them laid.

Now, I am not just ranting! (ACTUALLY...XD) I have tried some of the stuff people have suggested before (with previous relationships) and they have all FAILED:

'You can go ahead and have sex with other people, as long as you don't start liking them and I know who it is. Would be awesome if you guys got checked too.'

-The response I usually got was, 'I don't want to have sex with other girls! I like you, and only want to be with you!' Or, 'you must not really care enough about me if you want me to have sex with other people.'

'Do you need a hand with that? I may not want sex, but that doesn't mean I won't help you out in other ways.'

-After a while this actually went against me, and I would start hearing something like, 'if you can do this, then how about we go further? Why not? If you can do this stuff, you can do other stuff.' Or 'this stuff no longer satisfies me, I need to do something MORE..'

'Can we just be in a plutonic relationship? You know, where we do the same stuff as other people, just...no sex? Preferably sleep in our own beds?'

Only person who responded to that well ALSO isn't into sex..and has no interest in dating right now due to a guy really messing up her trusting abilities. :( Which is fine actually, since we hang out way more now I said that! Otherwise, the response is either a confused look, lots of laughter, or just a no.

'You're a chick and you want to go out with me? Sure, gender means nothing to me.'

BACK WHEN I WAS SUPER YOUNG AND DUMB. Didn't do anything sexual, but chick got really pissed if I wasn't up for making out or being felt. This one is a bad example, ignore it.

'I'm asexual.' Or, 'I don't enjoy sex or sexual relations.'

Do you know how many 'What?' 's I get from guys when I say that? 'HEAR, LET ME REPEAT THAT TO YOU.' Now, I've used both to guys looking to hook up, and guys I was in relationships with at the time. AND I HAVE BECOME SINGLE BECAUSE OF IT. It didn't matter how much I explained it to them, the guys just couldn't grasp it.

This is stupid. There are gays out there, lesbians, pans, trans, cross, metro, mono, poly, demi, straight, fetishes, BDSM, transcross, mixes of mixes. SO WHY IS IT SO DAMN HARD TO IMAGINE PEOPLE WHO DO NOT WANT SEX?! No, nononono! You can't just be accepting of AAAAALLLL the other types of people and NOT accept asexuals. I don't have sex, but I understand that to other people, it's a need more than a want in some ways, and that they like it and kinda need it for a relationship to work. And when these guys AREN'T looking at me to get in bed with, they're usually smart, funny, understanding dudes who have the qualities I'm wanting in a relationship, and can be awesome friends with them.

SO WHY IS IT SO HARD TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WHERE SEX IS NOT INCLUDED?!? I'M WILLING TO HELP OUT! LET THAT PERSON SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE! WILLING TO FIND WAYS TO MAKE SAID PERSON HAPPY WITHOUT GETTING IN BED! I MAKE AN EFFORT!!! DX

Please no, 'just gotta put up with it', or 'they aren't the one.' posts. I just want to know how to either make it easier to slide past the sex requirement in relationships, how to find others more like me nearby, or, at the very least, a way to explain asexuality so the dudes understand and not pull that crap that other people do when they hear someone doesn't want sex.

I understand that untill 30, people are pretty horny. But seriously? To the point where they won't have a relationship with someone because they don't want sex? To the point where they won't even get to KNOW someone, just because they're honest about who they are? ....You're kidding right? There's gotta be more people out there who are in the grey area when it comes to sex! Dx

It's impossible, isn't it? I'm going to be the single lady who has 80 billion cats and stares at couples holding hands and giving eachother those romantic looks which I long for, aren't I. OTL

[Philip027]

I said I was asexual, get that wax out of your ears!

You're a sexual, you say? Well duh, isn't everybody? :O

Seriously though, the relationship game isn't easy. Even non-aces can have trouble finding the ideal partner. As much as you might not want to hear it, the best thing you can do is to be patient. Which doesn't necessarily mean to keep trying to find relationships. Sometimes they just come along when you least suspect it...

[Anime Pancake]

lol, you're funny

Hm, yeah I think asexuals are just completely different from sexuals when it comes to our views on sex and its part in relationships.

I don't think asexuals and sexuals are sexually compatible, thus the huge differences in how we view and discuss sex.

If someone doesn't want to have sex, I think the best option is getting in a relationship with someone else that does not want sex. Otherwise, there will probably be lots of stress and friction which will not be healthy or enjoyable.

[Guest]

It took my boyfriend a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time to figure it out after I explained it to him (I didn't stumble across asexual until 5 years in). First he thought I was repressed, then I was lying, then I was just not into him, then I just thought he was too fat... it's like "No, listen to the words coming out of my mouth" - but eventually he got the idea - sorta. He still doesn't quite get the "non-libidoist" thing though. *sigh* Ah well. Maybe one day. It's not like I didn't tell him I wasn't really into sex much before we even went out. :P

The way he explained why it's so easy to get the other sexual things but NOT asexuality is "Homosexuals and stuff are just dancing to a different tune. I can get that." Whereas asexuals don't hear the music at all, so have few reasons to dance.

But, yeah, no one should push or pressure you for sex. It's OK for them to state they need more and then you say sorry can't give it and that ends it. It's not OK to guilt trip or coerce to get what you want though. That's just cruel. And not everyone will have the temperament to say no to it. I wish a simple "No, I do not want to" mattered to more people. :(

[sound_the_bugle]

One way one person worded it so that it made sense to them when I explained was "I feel no sexual attraction to people of the same gender, so I just imagine that extended to everyone." And to them, that worked perfectly fine as a way to understand asexuality.

[Chikaru56]

First of all, thank you guys for answering! Always appreciate serious responses, get to see a little what others see. :)

I don't think I have the patience to wait out the storm guys! ...It really sucks being a single chick, I've been wanting to experience those happy moments people can get for a short time when in a relationship since I was a kid! I always imagined getting flowers on Valentine's, riding horses, going on swings, spending time together, all that movie romance smosh. That was when I kid mind you, but even though my views on romance may have change, the meanings behind the romance hasn't.

I'm not trying to be funny in any of this, I know the things I write sound funny, but generally, when I'm trying to be funny...I'm not funny. XD But yes! Some ome thought I was funny!

That one line, never tried that one. Could work.

[Sally]

Chikaru56, on 22 Apr 2014 - 08:41 AM, said:

This is stupid. There are gays out there, lesbians, pans, trans, cross, metro, mono, poly, demi, straight, fetishes, BDSM, transcross, mixes of mixes. SO WHY IS IT SO DAMN HARD TO IMAGINE PEOPLE WHO DO NOT WANT SEX?! No, nononono! You can't just be accepting of AAAAALLLL the other types of people and NOT accept asexuals. I

[Guest]

First of all, thank you guys for answering! Always appreciate serious responses, get to see a little what others see. :)

I don't think I have the patience to wait out the storm guys! ...It really sucks being a single chick, I've been wanting to experience those happy moments people can get for a short time when in a relationship since I was a kid! I always imagined getting flowers on Valentine's, riding horses, going on swings, spending time together, all that movie romance smosh. That was when I kid mind you, but even though my views on romance may have change, the meanings behind the romance hasn't.

I'm not trying to be funny in any of this, I know the things I write sound funny, but generally, when I'm trying to be funny...I'm not funny. XD But yes! Some ome thought I was funny!

That one line, never tried that one. Could work.

You don't have to wait it out if you don't want to. :) Just find someone compatible with you - including on the sex. It may take some time (and trial and error) but there are people out there that are willing to at least be respectful that you said no.