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What is causing me to feel this way and how do I stop it? Recent girlfriend came out as asexual.


Douve

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Hi everyone this is my first post.

I have recently entered a relationship with a girl who has told me that she is asexual. She has said that she has never had a fantasy, never masturbated, nothing of that sort. She feels romantic interests only. However, she also has never been physically involved with anyone. Not even a kiss. All that we have done is the cuddling, non-sexual stroking, etc....this is very enjoyable for me and makes me feel very close to her.

I have very, very strong feelings for her (both romantic and sexual).

I find myself wishing she identified as sexual, and I am hoping and hoping that when we advance physically, she will sort of "awaken" or something like that. I realize that if she truly is asexual, this will not happen and I will end up feeling even worse than I do now.

SO, the way I feel now.

I feel destroyed for some reason. I feel like I don't know her, I feel sort of a pushing and pulling of my desire for her. An insane interest in her, such a powerful desire to be with her, and then an equally strong dislike (may not be the best word) for her, which I have only begun feeling after she has told me that she is asexual. It feels like I can't identify with her or something, it makes me feel like I am less than her or that somehow she is almost better than me or that I am inferior for being sexual. I can't explain why and I don't know if these reasons are the true reasons for me feeling destroyed.

I feel so distraught and stressed but I can't come up with a reason WHY. I have such a strong desire to be with this girl. And when I think about what I want most with her, I don't think about sex really at all...I think only of a classic romantic relationship...yet the idea of her not desiring me sexually makes me feel so horrible. I am not even overly sexual.

Has anybody been through something similar?

I hope my thoughts and feelings are coming across...I just feel very hung up on this for some reason and it's difficult to work through, mentally.

I also apologize if this post is not where it should be or if I am violating some rule of the forum...this is my first post after lurking for maybe a few hours.

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CA Colombiana

Is she perhaps demisexual? It may be that you two just need to take things slow, give her a chance to really know you before she can reciprocate your feelings.

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I think you need to really listen to her, and listen to yourself. She has declared herself asexual and told you very specifically what she doesn't like. That's pretty courageous of her. It doesn't mean that you are not a good person if you don't think you can deal with that, or make her not a nice person. The differences may be too real for a good relationship, or you may be able to compromise.

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Pretty much what CA said. Take your time, and try figure things out together rather than just let it brew up into a shit storm of frustration and icky emotional stuff.

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You've assumed that she's something she is not. Sorry, but that's not her problem.

However, that she isn't interested in you sexually is nothing personal. It's not something about you, you see. Think of it like if you fell for a girl but you didn't know she was lesbian.

I wouldn't try to force her to "awaken", as you put it. Did you have to be "awakened" before you realized you were straight? And about her not having a kiss or being sexual with anyone before: did you have to do anything sexual with a guy to realize your weren't gay?

I do hope your relationship can work out, but asexuality is an orientation, and it's very disrespectful to assume someone is just inexperienced or a prude or whatever. How would you like someone to try to force you into being something you're not?

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Anime Pancake

Heya!

It's nice to meet you.

I'm asexual and have been in two respective relationships with sexuals, so I don't have a wide amount of experience, but I think I have some insight.

In general, relationships are difficult. When we have feelings for someone, I believe it's natural to want to be able to relate and connect to that person. And if the person we're interested in does not see us the way that we see them, that can be very uncomfortable for us. I know that it has been uncomfortable for me before.

I think what it comes down to, is how compatible you two are as individuals. I think both of you should consider these questions and perhaps discuss them with one another.

Is sex a priority to me? Do I want to have sex? Will I be satisfied without sex? Will I be happy with myself if I do have sex?

I think those basic compatibility points (regarding sexuality) will help you both see if the relationship will be able to proceed and be healthy, or perhaps you two will decide that it may not work out. My advice is both of you be completely open and honest about these topics, and come up with a decision / resolution together!

Once more, it's a pleasure to meet you

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Is she perhaps demisexual? It may be that you two just need to take things slow, give her a chance to really know you before she can reciprocate your feelings.

This is definitely something I will keep in mind, and reading some of the points Phoenix has brought up, I definitely will not push too much.

Pretty much what CA said. Take your time, and try figure things out together rather than just let it brew up into a shit storm of frustration and icky emotional stuff.

Taking it slow will definitely be good, for sure.

You've assumed that she's something she is not. Sorry, but that's not her problem.

However, that she isn't interested in you sexually is nothing personal. It's not something about you, you see. Think of it like if you fell for a girl but you didn't know she was lesbian.

I wouldn't try to force her to "awaken", as you put it. Did you have to be "awakened" before you realized you were straight? And about her not having a kiss or being sexual with anyone before: did you have to do anything sexual with a guy to realize your weren't gay?

I do hope your relationship can work out, but asexuality is an orientation, and it's very disrespectful to assume someone is just inexperienced or a prude or whatever. How would you like someone to try to force you into being something you're not?

I don't mean to come off as disrespectful to her, and I suppose I hadn't really thought of it in that way (in terms of me not needing a gay experience to realize that I'm straight). Thanks for the insight...and I definitely will not try and "force" her to do anything...I never said that.

Heya!

It's nice to meet you.

I'm asexual and have been in two respective relationships with sexuals, so I don't have a wide amount of experience, but I think I have some insight.

In general, relationships are difficult. When we have feelings for someone, I believe it's natural to want to be able to relate and connect to that person. And if the person we're interested in does not see us the way that we see them, that can be very uncomfortable for us. I know that it has been uncomfortable for me before.

I think what it comes down to, is how compatible you two are as individuals. I think both of you should consider these questions and perhaps discuss them with one another.

Is sex a priority to me? Do I want to have sex? Will I be satisfied without sex? Will I be happy with myself if I do have sex?

I think those basic compatibility points (regarding sexuality) will help you both see if the relationship will be able to proceed and be healthy, or perhaps you two will decide that it may not work out. My advice is both of you be completely open and honest about these topics, and come up with a decision / resolution together!

Once more, it's a pleasure to meet you

Thanks for some ideas about things that both she and I will most likely need to discuss. I think this will be very helpful. Thank you very much!

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Re the "awaken" thing -- I know that it's difficult to understand asexuality when this was probably the first time you've heard of it. But we asexuals are pretty much awake. And your friend seems especially awake, since she told you exactly how she felt.

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Re the "awaken" thing -- I know that it's difficult to understand asexuality when this was probably the first time you've heard of it. But we asexuals are pretty much awake. And your friend seems especially awake, since she told you exactly how she felt.

From past relationships, it has been my experience that some women simply do not think about sex or masturbate necessarily unprovoked.

Is this a reason to not attempt to excite her sexually? At least once or twice?

I have always seen sex as a way of connecting on a level more intimate and deeper than anything else...changing this mindset will be difficult for me

Well,

Tomorrow we are going to get together and talk about how we each feel about things currently and how we see things going in the future.

Thanks all for your ideas.

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Douve, on 20 Apr 2014 - 7:30 PM, said:Douve, on 20 Apr 2014 - 7:30 PM, said:
Sally, on 20 Apr 2014 - 7:09 PM, said:Sally, on 20 Apr 2014 - 7:09 PM, said:

Re the "awaken" thing -- I know that it's difficult to understand asexuality when this was probably the first time you've heard of it. But we asexuals are pretty much awake. And your friend seems especially awake, since she told you exactly how she felt.

From past relationships, it has been my experience that some women simply do not think about sex or masturbate necessarily unprovoked.

Is this a reason to not attempt to excite her sexually? At least once or twice?

I have always seen sex as a way of connecting on a level more intimate and deeper than anything else...changing this mindset will be difficult for me

Yes, it will be difficult. But you can't reasonably expect to change her mindset, because it sounds like she pretty much knows how she feels. If she doesn't want certain physical interactions, she doesn't want them, and you need to respect that. If you don't, it will not be an honest relationship.

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Cheers.
I'm a sexual male involved for two years now with an asexual girlfriend, and while our circumstances are different I can tell you that I've had just about all of those thoughts in my head at some point in the last few years.

It's been covered pretty well above, but tread very carefully with the "Maybe I can help her to like it" train of thought. I understand 100% that your motivation is good. You have this fantastic, sensational feeling that you can experience. It brings you powerful joy (dopamine release), and makes you feel incredibly bonded to your partner (Oxytocin is often cited as the source of pair bonding in animals).
The thing to realize is that Asexuals aren't "Missing" anything, per se. Those emotions aren't some sacred treasure that they will never have. The human mind is all about relative stimuli, and everyone is capable of experiencing just about the same highs and lows and emotions and so on and so forth, regardless of your orientation or lack of libido. Everyone on earth stimulates their brain in a different way. And for some people, Sex doesn't happen to set anything off. That doesn't mean those emotions aren't there. And it doesn't mean that "Better sex" will set it off easier.
Thinking that the problem lies in the quality of the sex itself, or even in the behavior of the partners, is dangerous. It can lead to her feeling pressured to do things she's uncomfortable with, it can lead to both of you failing to communicate right, and if you let it eat at you that you aren't "Good Enough" it can seriously, seriously destroy you. And that's not fair to anyone.

If you want to talk about "Awakenings", the only thing I can think of was the awakening I got when I tried to come to terms with what I just said above. The notion that she can truly want to be with you without needing or desiring you sexually. That not only is it possible to de-couple Love from Sex, for some people it is entirely the natural state of things. Understanding that is not easy. And to be honest I still get stuck in that destructive thought cycle. And it sucks.

You look like you have a great thing there, especially because both of you seem open and willing to communicate how you feel. So talk about it whenever you feel like you have something to say. And there are ways to compromise (although I've nothing helpful on that front), but it all comes about from talking.

Welcome to AVEN.
Stay a while.
Have some cake. :cake::cake:

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Earth Sprite

The thing to realize is that Asexuals aren't "Missing" anything, per se. [...] Thinking that the problem lies in the quality of the sex itself, or even in the behavior of the partners, is dangerous. It can lead to her feeling pressured to do things she's uncomfortable with, it can lead to both of you failing to communicate right [...] You look like you have a great thing there, especially because both of you seem open and willing to communicate how you feel. So talk about it whenever you feel like you have something to say. And there are ways to compromise (although I've nothing helpful on that front), but it all comes about from talking.

Agree PeterDave. One of the mistakes can be to trust on invasive one-sided "sexual education" in a good motivation.

One real-life story. I have an experience, when my dear sexual friend, for whom I have strong asexual attraction, has been trying to "enlighten" me & find my "secret" sexual fantasies. For years she has been trying to be any sex, any age, any orientation, trying any fetish, also stalking in a good motivation & loving manner.

Well, I think I love her.

And we have been totally incapable to communicate during these years. She will again and again use her energy to new sexual initiatives & experiments. Then she will become disappointed again. Then she withdraws from communication. So, we hardly ever are talking or listening to each other between these initiative & withdrawing intervals.

This is so long-time experiment, already, that I have no hard feelings any more & I'm not suffering. (I was.) Maybe she isn´t, neither. (I can´t say, because we don´t communicate.) The situation is what it is. There isn´t any hope. ... I´m still waiting something, yet. Maybe once we can laugh together, how bad we have been failed. :rolleyes:

Well, we can be acting so self-imposed, that the other one hasn´t many possibilities to act self-imposed, at all. I have had difficulties in this area many other times, too. Boundaries cannot be drawn self-imposed, but by mutual communication.

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Douve,

How you are feeling right now is normal under the circumstances. They totally suck, but they are normal. All those feelings and thoughts that make you feel "destroyed" are things many of us sexuals feel. The situation is so daunting to us that we want to grasp at anything that will give us some resemblance of hope that will make our relationship better. It's almost unimaginable to think that we will be in a long term committed relationship without intimate sex. It's very scary.

It will likely take plenty of time and communication with your partner...and soul searching... before you really come to terms with it. And, even if you come to terms with it, it very well likely still won't be an easy road to travel.

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WoodwindWhistler

I'd like you to re-read your post, or at least skim it, because I've noticed something important.

It is completely about how you are in your mind. About your feelings. And that's fine. But you've given us next to no information about her. You've presented us with your romantic view of her, but what is she like as a person?

Is she shy about it? Reserved?

Or defensive at all?

How attracted is she to you, romantically?

How have these conversations gone? Were they short and to the point or involved?

Has she said she's open to x, y, or z, set boundaries, etc, or are you just kind of feeling your way along? (ha).

Does she know you are feeling conflicted?

Try to really examine where these feelings of being "lesser" than her are coming from!! Do you consider her a better person "morally" in other areas, and that bleeds into the asexuality issue? Or could they be in any way rooted in how she views sexuality? She doesn't have to be overtly condescending or anything for you to sub/consciously pick up that she pities or otherwise doesn't sympathize with sexuals. Like many of us she might feel isolated from a commonly shared experience, and therefore emotionally distance herself from it.

You're kind of just relaying info- dry description of what she hasn't done- without getting into the emotional subtleties.

As for the physical stuff, do remind her that asexuals of all stripes have tried masturbating, and that being an asexual does not preclude it. It almost seems as if she's trying to "live up to" the image of an asexual herself. You shouldn't try to force her to do something she doesn't want to, but on the flip side she should weigh your wishes as well.

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If your gf has come out openly about her sexuality, good. That's her choice.

The problem with most people being, they assume, think of, expect certain things from others. In our world governed by sex and more sex, people assume that everybody enjoys it and the resultant consequences... reproduction. Get over the fact Douve that she will feel the way you expect her to. Get moving and try to understand her world, this world.

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I can't really understand what you are feeling (I tend to feel really lost when I try to understand sexual attraction and what makes sex so important), but it makes sense intellectually. It is possible that you are picking up on the whole connection between sex and impurity, I mean even though sex is everywhere in the media and generally more positive there are still things like virginity and slut shaming that still point to a connection between sexuality and purity (they may not just be coming from her). Given the links drawn between sex and love in western society, I think there is a tendency to think that an asexual partner as not being able to love you in all the same ways, but I think this doesn't fit with what I have felt... When I have felt 'attracted' to people it was like the world revolved around them and all the rest of the things you hear about love, but I could only recognize those feelings once I realize that it didn't have to do with wanting sex... I really can't speak to your gf's experience since I feel desire without attraction (which is confusing), but maybe, as an mental exercise, try to separate your sexual feelings from your romantic ones (I mean, you can feel sexually attracted to people without the romantic). Not so you can disregard them! It just might help you feel less 'destroyed' and better able to understand where she is coming from if you try to disrupt those automatic connections between love and sex.

These are just some of my thoughts, feel free to disregard them :) I think that it sounds like you have a great attitude and I think it is great that you are here looking for insight :cake:

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