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Don't know what this would come under, but does anybody have any advice?


Quilara

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Im 18 and my boyfriend is 17. We've been dating 16 months now but haven't had sexual relations because I don't want to. He asks why, and I find I can't really explain it.

I definitely love him, and even feel sexual or turned on some times, and we have come very close a couple of times. But when it comes to it, I just freak out and panic, and I just can't do it. But every time we get intimate I feel more pressure, because I know he wants to have sex with me, but I don't want to do it purely because he wants to.

I'm always anxious about the thought of or build up to any sexual act, but usually find I enjoy it, or at least it isn't unpleasant, when it comes to it.

I wonder if maybe sex will be the same (I am a virgin) - that it won't be as bad as I think - and that I'm just thinking about it too much, but then again I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons.

Sorry this isn't really asexual related, I just didn't' know where else to post it,

Any help is appreciated,

Katie

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tiny_dAnCer

This could be asexuality or anxiety depending on the following question. Are you attracted to your bf in a sexual way? Enjoying sex and even looking forward to it do not make one sexual, but rather being sexually attracted to someone.

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Moved from Asexual Q&A to Asexual Relationships

Lia
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I don't really know. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. All these similar but different words make me feel more confused. What is sexual attraction if it is not the desire to have sexual relations? :S

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romantic-woman

Don't press yourself to do something that you don't want just to please your partner and cause he wants to have sex with you. You are NOT supposed to do anything that you don't feel ok about it...explain and discuss it with your lover and he should accept it if he loves you

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Sexual attraction is sexual desire targeted at a specific person (i'm sure someone else will put this in a better way.) When you look at him do you feel sexual desire towards him. Or have you ever done that for anyone. The problem with trying to help someone else figure out if it is asexuality or anxiety is that it's impossible for anyone else to know. We can't say how you are feeling. And in all honesty it doesn't truly matter if it is one or the other. All that matters is how you feel in the moment. You have to be open and honest about your feelings. An important question to ask is "what if i never want to have sex." Make sure you both understand each others opinions. Say it back to each other using different words (old therapy trick). If you love him and he loves you this conversation is actually quite simple. I had a similar conversation with someone while i was confused on whether or not it was asexuality or anxiety. Let them no your not sure, and just make sure they are also prepared for the worst case scenario.

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Think of arousal as hunger, if you're hungry and you want to eat something you can eat nearly anything edible to satiate your hunger. Look at sexual attraction as craving a certain food or desiring a certain food from visual appeal. Is the arousal caused by the sexual hunger you're trying to satiate or is it caused by your craving for that delectable (I know, I'm silly) man? Arousal can also be triggered by physical stimulation (like kissing, hugging, cuddling, back rubs) et cetera.

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