I'm New, I'm Shy, But Hello!

[RabbitQueen]

I'm going to preface this topic by telling you all that I'm very shy and awkward and awful at holding up a conversation. I'll do my best, but if I ramble on or seem to go off-topic or don't give very interesting responses to you, I do apologise.

Hello, my name is Jo.

I'm 20 years old and I'm in college. I'm questioning my orientation for the most part, but I believe I may be asexual.

I don't have a lot of people in real life who I can talk to about my sexual orientation (or lack thereof, I suppose!). If I bring it up to my parents, they see it as more of a "blessing" than anything else (in the, "oh thank god, this means you won't be getting pregnant any time soon, right?" kind of way. Which I do find kind of funny, actually) but I think they see it as more of a choice rather than me just being naturally disinterested and uncomfortable with the idea of having sex.

And when I bring it up to my peers, which I have only done twice, I have gotten two reactions: "I could never do that, I love sex too much!", and "That's impossible. People can't not feel sexual attraction."

So I feel a tiny bit isolated and like I can't really speak to people I know 'in real life' about my experiences.

For the longest time, I always thought I was just a late bloomer. I was never really confident when it came to making advances or flirting with people, it felt awkward and just didn't come naturally to me like it did to some of my friends. I desperately wanted a relationship when I was a young teen, and had this idea in my head that when I did eventually get into a relationship, I would be very intimate and physical with that person... However, it didn't seem to be the case.

When I was 17 I got into my first relationship, and I have been in four relationships since. In each one, I didn't enjoy physical contact. In the beginning I thought that maybe it was because it was 'too soon' in the relationship (such is the case of my second boyfriend who was desperate to touch me and make out with me in the first few weeks of dating. It was very uncomfortable, and the relationship didn't last too long after that.), but after having the same sort of experiences with different people, I've come to notice that the length of time I'm in a relationship doesn't seem to matter...

I just don't like being touched. Someone else touching my body feels weird to me.

I have been with my current boyfriend for two years and we've not had sex. I don't want to. I also don't allow him to touch me very often, which makes him a little sad because I don't feel too uncomfortable touching him (most of the time), and he feels as if he's being selfish by 'not returning the favour' when I've already stated before that I don't actually want him to 'return the favour'.

A few months ago, I told him that I am questioning my sexuality and that I believe I may be asexual. And he was very 'oh, okay then' about it, which worries me. He says does love me and genuinely fears losing me, but I have doubts and I worry that his sex drive and my total lack of a sex drive will get in the way of our relationship in the future. As well as my need for space and need to be alone. As well as being a person who doesn't really get sexual feelings, I also feel the need to be by myself a lot, which has led me to believe that we might be better off going separate ways and I might be better off without a romantic relationship at all.

But, I've gone off on a little bit of a tangent. I fear I may have sounded a little bit too negative in regards to my possible asexuality so I want to clarify that, in spite of my troubled relationships, I don't see my lack of sexual attraction as a burden or something that's 'in the way' of what I want. I don't want sex. I'd rather just have a lot of hugs... And maybe some sushi and a bowl of ice-cream. :')

So, hello everyone!

I'm Jo. I study art/interactive media. I'm shy, but I love making good, close friends.

[Dropbear]

Welcome to AVEN, here's some to go with your favourite bowl of icecream :)

[RabbitQueen]

Welcome to AVEN, here's some to go with your favourite bowl of icecream :)

Thank you very much! <3

I'm hoping that I'll make some good friendships through here.

Also I have to say, I love that the asexual community has this thing with cake, it's so sweet~ (horrible pun intended)

[(Emily)]

Hello! Welcome! :D I'm glad you're finding your place; I've been wandering around in the dark about my orientation for quite some time now, but I think I'm finally settling.

I'm sorry to read about your relationship; I sincerely hope you work everything out with him. I think that maybe some more "sit down and talk it out"s may be beneficial, although you sound like you already have a very healthy relationship. I am sending you good vibes. :)

[Tja]

Welcome! Come right in. I'm sure you'll feel comfortable with all the great people here!

Instead of cake, I thought I'd start you off with:

and Enjoy!

[RabbitQueen]

Hello! Welcome! :D I'm glad you're finding your place; I've been wandering around in the dark about my orientation for quite some time now, but I think I'm finally settling.

I'm sorry to read about your relationship; I sincerely hope you work everything out with him. I think that maybe some more "sit down and talk it out"s may be beneficial, although you sound like you already have a very healthy relationship. I am sending you good vibes. :)

I have to say, the welcome I'm getting is very nice. I definitely feel quite comfortable here already <3

It seems we are/where pretty much in the same boat. I spent a very long time being totally lost in regards to my sexuality, too (mostly because I was surrounded by people who told me that my only possible options where "straight, gay, or bi". Sadly, so many people treat sexual and romantic orientations like rigid categories, and not like the big, beautiful diverse spectrum that it really is). Anyway, I'm glad that the both of us are finally feeling comfortable and getting to grips with our identities.

Thank you so much, that really means a lot to me. <3 I may speak to him sometime soon about it. We actually started going out after we had been pretty good friends for five years, which is probably why this relationship has turned out so much better than my previous ones. But, whatever happens will happen I suppose. So, even if we don't stay 'together', he's the sort of person who I still value in a lot of different ways and would like to keep in my life.

Welcome! Come right in. I'm sure you'll feel comfortable with all the great people here!

Instead of cake, I thought I'd start you off with:

and Enjoy!

Thank you so much. <3

Also, excellent choice of images~ Although, now I'm craving sushi all over again... Even though it's the middle of the night, and I last had sushi only yesterday... Oh gosh. :')

[AWhiteGyrfalcon]

Welcome and Hi!

Kia Ora from New Zealand.

I can understand and relate to you and your journey at the moment.

Feel free to drop me a line any time you feel like swapping chats and need a friendly ear or eye? lol

Anyway welcome!

[Hedgie]

Welcome!

[NualaCatrionaMarie]

Hello! I'm new too. I hope you feel as relieved and happy as I did upon finding this network. My story is really simple - I was a shy kid, which made me think my sex drive just wasn't coming along yet but it surely would . . . Well, I'm 20, it hasn't (while everyone else's has most definitely made an appearance), and I was pretty worried there for a while that I would always be the oddball, alone in the universe. I don't think that now. :) I still haven't tried to date anyone, so that's something that makes me nervous (how on earth is he going to take the news that I'm not into sex and never will be?!), but I have faith that it will be okay. If that's my biggest problem it's a pretty good life, yes?

[transient_dreams]

Hey! :) I'm a newbie, also 20, and just posted an 'introduction' post myself. The tl;dr of it is that I have a strong libido but am turned off by the thought of sex with others (which took years of being confused to properly understand). I've avoided relationships even with people I have a strong romantic connection with b/c of this, and have felt very alone and alienated over this. But now I realize I'm not alone, and that there isn't anything wrong with me :)

[Lady Girl]

Hi and welcome! It sounds like you will fit right in here...the people are awesome and friendly, just like you. I hope things work out with your boyfriend for the best. :)

[semper]

Hi Jo,

welcome and nice to meet you! I'm 20 and a student like you.

You know, my story is kinda similar to yours. I was in a few relationship before and every time we broke up because I didn't want to take it to the next level or just was "cold", that's what they told me. Actually, I thought that maybe I'm too picky or I just hadn't found that "right person" yet. But in reality I never felt "like that", I never wanted to did something more than hand-holding or hugging. I wasn't grossed out, it was like I didn't really care, I didn't have any of that "impulses" to inititate intimate contacts or even kisses. I'm in a relationship now with a nice boy, and he is always so frustrated when we make out, 'cause I'm not enthusiastic in any way, it's kinda an obligation for me. It makes him happy, right? I can do it. Sometimes it feels nice, but I'm not feeling "desire". And touching is always weird to me if it's not a "friendly" touch.

I know what you mean when you say that "i'd rather have a lot of hugs". And I don't think that you have to be single just because you don't want to have sex, of course not!

And I have that problem with people around me when they don't actually believe that I don't experience sexual attraction too.

If you want to talk about something, or just have a chat, feel free to write:)

I hope you'll make some nice and understanding friends here! You seem awesome ^_^

[RabbitQueen]

I have to say, I wasn't expecting to wake up to this many responses. I'm a little bit speechless, but very happy.

I'll get around to replying to everyone here soon! Right now I have my hands full. I have family coming 'round for dinner and I need to get a few things sorted ready for the occasion before I respond to anything.

But thank you, all of you. Thanks very much.

[Scmoopie]

I hope you find the relationship you desire!

[RabbitQueen]

Alrighty, after a long but enjoyable day with the family, I've finally settled down and I can respond to some of these lovely responses now. :)

Hello! I'm new too. I hope you feel as relieved and happy as I did upon finding this network. My story is really simple - I was a shy kid, which made me think my sex drive just wasn't coming along yet but it surely would . . . Well, I'm 20, it hasn't (while everyone else's has most definitely made an appearance), and I was pretty worried there for a while that I would always be the oddball, alone in the universe. I don't think that now. :) I still haven't tried to date anyone, so that's something that makes me nervous (how on earth is he going to take the news that I'm not into sex and never will be?!), but I have faith that it will be okay. If that's my biggest problem it's a pretty good life, yes?

Nice to meet you! I'm already feeling quite comfortable here. The friendly attitudes of the people I've come across has certainly helped. I've had a few non-too-pleasant experiences with forums in the past, so this is a very nice change of pace.

I COMPLETELY relate to your old worries about ''being alone in the universe', I used to feel very much the same way. When I was 15-16 I was obsessed that I was never going to fall in love and that I was going to a die a 'virgin'- of course, this was a very different time in my life when sex and 'virginity' was made out to be a big deal by just about every other person my age, so no wonder I felt so scared and out of place for being single and non-sexual. Fast forward five years later and thankfully, I no longer give a rat's bottom about 'virginity' (virginity is nothing more than a man-made concept in my eyes, it isn't a physical thing that you can actually 'lose'. And since when did a person's sex life define their worth, anyway?) and I'm no longer as hooked on the idea that you need a partner in order to be happy. I value all the positive relationships in my life equally, my platonic friendships and my bonds with my family mean just as much to me as my bond with a romantic partner would.

Anyway, as for feeling nervous in regards to dating, I would either try to look for a partner who was also asexual or otherwise not-too-fussed about the idea of sex, or I would try let any potential partners know about your possible asexuality as soon as possible. The latter may be a bit of a daunting, though I do think it's best to let people know. And if it turns out that that person is completely cool with the fact that you don't really want sex, then you can start off the new relationship knowing that this person will understand your feelings and what you're comfortable with. I wish that I had been more aware of my own non-sexuality when I first started dating, because if I had known I definitely would have told my potential boyfriends/girlfriends about it before we started dating... And it probably would have spared me a few uncomfortable relationships and nasty break ups.

I'm certain you'll find someone :) And I admire your positive outlook on life.

Hi Jo,

welcome and nice to meet you! I'm 20 and a student like you.

You know, my story is kinda similar to yours. I was in a few relationship before and every time we broke up because I didn't want to take it to the next level or just was "cold", that's what they told me. Actually, I thought that maybe I'm too picky or I just hadn't found that "right person" yet. But in reality I never felt "like that", I never wanted to did something more than hand-holding or hugging. I wasn't grossed out, it was like I didn't really care, I didn't have any of that "impulses" to inititate intimate contacts or even kisses. I'm in a relationship now with a nice boy, and he is always so frustrated when we make out, 'cause I'm not enthusiastic in any way, it's kinda an obligation for me. It makes him happy, right? I can do it. Sometimes it feels nice, but I'm not feeling "desire". And touching is always weird to me if it's not a "friendly" touch.

I know what you mean when you say that "i'd rather have a lot of hugs". And I don't think that you have to be single just because you don't want to have sex, of course not!

And I have that problem with people around me when they don't actually believe that I don't experience sexual attraction too.

If you want to talk about something, or just have a chat, feel free to write:)

I hope you'll make some nice and understanding friends here! You seem awesome ^_^

Seems we're in the same boat for the most part. My past partners haven't been too understanding or patient in regards to the matter, and touch feels weird to me too. For the longest time I wasn't even sure why, because I adore hugs and cuddles. I'm okay with kissing, to an extent. But anything past that feels weird and awkward and uncomfortable to me. I've come to accept recently that that's just how I am. And I'm pretty comfortable with that. :')

It's always a little worrying when significant others get frustrated or concerned when you don't respond positively to sexual advances or suggestions, isn't it?

Mine gets a little frustrated and down about the fact that he 'never does anything nice to me' (and by that he means sexual favours), even though I've tried to make it clear that I really don't want or need those kind of things. Since I told him that I was questioning asexuality however, he's been a lot more relaxed and understanding. For as many doubts as I have about our relationship, the one thing that makes me happy is the fact that he was understanding about my feelings (he even researched asexuality a little after I told him!!! <3 <3)

As for people not believing in my sexual orientation, that is something that doesn't bother me as mucH... Usually.

It's a bit irritating when people outright say "No, Asexuality doesn't exist" to your face. But, the way I see it, so long as that person is not someone who I'm in a romantic relationship with, it does not matter to me how 'legitimate' they find my orientation or not. If they don't fully understand it but are willing to learn, then that's cool and I'm always happy to try and teach people. But if they just don't want to listen or open their minds at all, and want to remain ignorant, then they're not really worth my time or attention. At least, I try not to get hung up on other people's ignorance.

Welcome and Hi!

Kia Ora from New Zealand.

I can understand and relate to you and your journey at the moment.

Feel free to drop me a line any time you feel like swapping chats and need a friendly ear or eye? lol

Anyway welcome!

Thank you very much, I'm glad that I'm finding people here who understand and relate to how I feel. It definitely makes me feel a lot more comfortable.

Thank you for the welcome, Kia. It's nice to meet you. <3

I hope you find the relationship you desire!

You're very kind, thank you so much.

I wish the same to everyone else here who is looking for a relationship-- be it platonic or romantic. ^_^

[moonmagegrl]

I have to say, the welcome I'm getting is very nice. I definitely feel quite comfortable here already <3

It seems we are/where pretty much in the same boat. I spent a very long time being totally lost in regards to my sexuality, too (mostly because I was surrounded by people who told me that my only possible options where "straight, gay, or bi". Sadly, so many people treat sexual and romantic orientations like rigid categories, and not like the big, beautiful diverse spectrum that it really is).

I can relate to that too. I'm 29 and I just became sure about my asexuality a few days ago! I'm so glad I came here! I've already made great friends! :D