PianoGirl Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 Hi everyone, I’m 18 years old and recently realized that I am some kind of asexual or demisexual (most likely asexual). I’ve never really been in a relationship, and it was only a few weeks ago that I went on my first date—mostly out of curiosity. I’m still seeing this guy, but he has no idea I’m asexual. We both are committed to celibacy before marriage, so four dates would not necessarily be long enough to make coming out necessary if it were only about sex. The problem is that I also don’t think I could kiss anybody. I mean, I would if it were someone I were really committed to—just for their sake. I’ve never felt like I would want to kiss anyone, though. The last time we went out, he wanted to kiss me, which did flatter me a bit. Fortunately, I have mono right now, so that gave me an easy explanation for why I didn’t want to do it. But now I’m seeing such a contrast between us… Where I don’t feel any need to kiss, he keeps asking when I’ll go back and get tested for mono to know that I’m better so we can kiss. Clearly, I’m going to have to bring my asexuality out into the open if I keep seeing this guy. Right now, I’m not even sure if romantic relationships are for me or not. I want to be able to have that in my life, but on some level, I am freaked out by the whole concept. But for now, I do admire the intellect and character of this guy and like spending time with him, so I figure I’ll just keep dating but not commit to anything until I figure things out more. That being said, how can I tell him about being asexual? I’ve searched through the forums on the topic, but I’d still like more advice. If I talk about the lack of attraction that it means for me, then I’m also saying I’m not attracted to him, either. This could easily go very wrong and leave him offended and ruin any chance of a relationship. I mean, I know that there’s a chance he’ll walk away once he finds out how little I’m willing to do, but I don’t want things to end because of a misunderstanding. How have you successfully come out to people you’re dating? Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 No matter how he takes it, it's really best for you both to talk to him now -- before your relationship goes any farther. Because you do have a relationship; people who are sexual (and it certainly sounds like he is) figure dating (especially 4 dates) means a relationship. They generally also think it means eventually you'll have sex. Using the excuse that you don't want sex until marriage doesn't really work, because it just prolongs the situation, and the other party will be even more upset when they find out you don't want to have sex, at all. A number of AVEN members have posted feeling very bad because they'd put the sex discussion off until after they were married, figuring they'd (miraculously) want sex then. But it doesn't really happen that way. There's no certain way to make sure that he won't be disappointed or upset. You can't control someone else's feelings. But it's more likely that he will understand if you say that you really don't want to have sex with anyone -- and that even though you really like him, you don't want to waste his time waiting for sex which is not going to happen, and he deserves to know how you feel about sex. Link to post Share on other sites
asexynerdygal Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 I have to agree, it's not fair to him or you to build a relationship on a lie or a misconception that you are aware of and don't correct... it's a big breach of trust and if you can't trust your partner it's not much of a relationship Link to post Share on other sites
PianoGirl Posted April 19, 2014 Author Share Posted April 19, 2014 Okay, thanks for the input. I definitely agree that it is not fair to keep it a secret. I would have told him upfront, but I just figured out that my orientation was different a few days ago. I suppose I’ve fallen for the “I’ll feel sexual attraction when I’m married” myth in the past, but I now know that’s not how it works if you’re asexual. I guess I’m just confused as to whether I’m truly asexual or demisexual. I don’t think I’ve ever felt sexual attraction before, because I can’t tell you what it feels like. Wouldn’t I know it if I had? But I’ve also never been in a romantic relationship with a guy long enough to say I’m not demisexual, right? It would be helpful to know better when I talk to him about it… Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 PianoGirl, on 19 Apr 2014 - 1:11 PM, said:. I don’t think I’ve ever felt sexual attraction before, because I can’t tell you what it feels like. Yes, you probably would know if you had. It's not very verbally describable but I'm told by all the sexuals I've known (including my ex-husband and my ex-partner) that it's a physical feeling you remember. I don't remember ever feeling it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ziggy_G Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I was 17 when I first dated someone, I managed to drag out the whole avoiding kissing thing and ended up breaking up with him to avoid it. I didn't know what asexuality was then. It took three more guys going for a kiss for me to figure that out. Anyway I wish I had known at the time because I ended up lying to him about my motivations for breaking up with him, because he was a sensitive guy and I thought - I'm not attracted to you- would hurt him more. I loved him to pieces did for a long time after that while we were still friends, but I just couldn't imagine wanting to be with him that way. Anyway maybe if I'd known about asexuality then I would have been able to tell him I'm not attracted to him in a way that wouldn't hurt him. Anyway here's my advise, firstly do it as soon as possible, delay generally makes things worse. second be very clear and thirdly, this also goes for afterwards, make sure he really knows its not personal. Guys can have very sensitive egos that are easy to damage, he needs to really know that its not that your not attracted to him, its that your not attracted that way to anybody (including him). And then make sure he knows all the other ways you do really like him. How much you like his character and such. If I could go back and redo it when I was 17 I would tell him that I'm not attracted to anyone and explain asexuality. but then tell him how much I cared for him and wanted him around. I would point out all those little things about him that make me smile and happy and special he made me feel. And maybe he wouldn't mind that I dont want to be with him that way and maybe for a while at least we could be happy. hmm..that got nostalgic..anyway best of luck telling him Link to post Share on other sites
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