Newbie.here Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 I was reading many threads... Trying to find out if there is any solution to my relationship problem. I have 8 years of marriage and two children, I loved my partner, he is a food husband but all these years had been terrible because of my lack of desire and interest in sex. He is now sick of it, i feel he doesn't love me anymore and I feel very depressed because I need to feel loved... I'm still unsure what type of asexual I am because I feel I need romantic moments, cuddling and demonstrations but I don't like to be touched on my parts... Sometimes... What I'd like to know is if I can do something to have sex desire and please my hubby without feeling bad myself (its not about pain, it's just I don't feel "great" doing it and tend to loose the "good feeling" that I try to put in order to please my dh very often)... I think I never was interested in sex but I liked my husband who has been my first and only partner and wanted to have a family... Any ideas or suggestions? Any therapies, researches, treatments, to do's to overcome this situation? Thank you all! Link to post Share on other sites
Newbie.here Posted April 18, 2014 Author Share Posted April 18, 2014 Forgot to say we had a conversation yesterday ( we didnt talk to much about us in the past) and that's why I'm desperately trying to find an answer because he told me he is sick of this situation, specially because i didnt try to find a solution totally stressed and I must find an answer... he will help if I give options... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 The only solution to one partner wanting sex and the other not is to talk. You can't make yourself feel desire if you don't feel it. But, you may be able to come to some sort of workable compromise, if it doesn't harm you to have sex. You say you don't feel good about it, does it make you depressed/disgusted to have sex? Would the pressure being off you to perform all the time help? Are there any acts you can enjoy, or is it all bad? Would you feel better if you were JUST pleasing him (oral, manual) instead of intercourse or your bits being touched? You have to decide what YOUR boundaries are, then discuss with him what you're OK with and see if there is any sort of middle ground. If he needs sex to be happy and you're repulsed by it, it will be tricky. But, talk about it - in detail - be open and be honest. Assure him you love him, you do want him, just not in a sexual way. You can show him AVEN if you feel it would help him understand some of us enjoy our partners, just don't enjoy sex. If no compromise can be reached, then it may not work out. Which doesn't mean anything is wrong with either of you. It just means you have an incompatibility and it's OK, there are lots of them and some are deal breakers and some are not. You're both having valid feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Autumn Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 I was with a man for 5 years before I realised I was asexual, and now that I have left I am so much happier. We did not have a marriage or children so it is a completely different situation, however I would advise that in the future you may decide that you are better off without the pressure. If you do not want to have sex with your husband, he has no right to demand it just because you are in a relationship. You should not be pressured or coerced into doing anything sexual, just agreeing with it otherwise he will do something or other, or be upset, is not fair. You don't owe him a damn thing. Link to post Share on other sites
BohoBookworm Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 I sympathise completely, i have been in two long-term relationships with sexual men and it is extremely difficult when your asexual. Trying to be kind and considerate to their needs, you neglect your own until you can't take it anymore. You say you love him, and obviously there are children to be considered, but nothing good can come of persisting with a mismatched relationship. By all means talk it out and maybe you can try some alternatives to sex that you feel comfortable with, but hopefully, for your sake he will realise that asking anything more from an asexual would be like asking a heterosexual to switch to homosexuality just to please someone, there's nothing wrong with it but if it's not right for you it will never be right. I am in a similar position myself at the moment, but i think my partner is just in denial and thinks asexuality is a myth ...... Goodluck :) Link to post Share on other sites
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