If You're Abstinent with No Desire for Sex, Are You Likely Asexual?

[PianoGirl]

I’m eighteen years old, have never been in a relationship, and have never gone farther with a guy than holding hands. I’m a devout Christian, so for me, I believe in abstinence before marriage. That is not what leaves me wondering about my sexuality. What has me questioning is the fact that I have never felt tempted nor had any kind of desire for sex. Yes, sometimes I’m curious about it. I wonder what it’s like and why so many people make such a big deal about it. But I’ve never wanted it for itself. I can’t remember the last time I was aroused, either…

This sounds crazy, but I’ve only just begun to comprehend the fact that a lot of people actually really, really want to have sex. And some people who are celibate like me have a very hard time maintaining their abstinence because of that, whereas I don’t have a hard time at all. I'm realizing I don't relate to unmarried friends who tell me what a struggle it is for them when they have feelings for someone but can't act on them because of what they believe. I'm not sure I posess those feelings.

I’ve never had a problem with my disinterest in relationships and sex, because I always chalked up my lack of dating to not having the right guys around me. But recently, I went on my first date ever with a nice guy I like. I figured I would give dating a try. I enjoy spending time with him, and he cares about me more than any other guy I’ve met. We are both Christians, intellectuals, and audio engineers, so it seems like a great match. But the problem? I don’t think I feel what I should feel. The other day, we held hands—the first time I ever did that in a romantic way. And it felt good. But I can’t tell if it’s anything different from what I feel when anyone else who cares about me hugs me or touches me in a non-sexual way.

Now that I'm in a romantic situation, all of this has suddenly come to a head. I guess maybe I only like guys in an intellectual, plutonic way—no sexual emotions so far. But then again, would I know it if I felt anything sexual? For the longest time, I thought I would be quite content to never have a relationship or to marry. However, after I moved 500 miles from home to start over on my own and go to college, that began to change. But after some introspection, I find that the reason I now think I would eventually like to marry and find a great guy is so I don’t have to be alone—not because I need to have sex or because I find someone sexually attractive.

I’m confused right now and still kind of in shock that I might not be a typical heterosexual like I always assumed I was. I’m a serious musician, so I used to think I was just too busy to have room to want sex. Is that even a possibility? Can any of you relate to my experiences? I know this is cliché to ask around here, but does it sound like I’m really some sort of asexual?

[interpol]

I am 22 and can relate to some of it-----though not Christian, I attended a Christian K-8 school.

I don't really think there is a right or wrong way to feel on a first date with someone. If you were taught anything like I was taught, you were taught about the consequences of premarital sex, and that probably scared you.

I don't think it's abnormal at all to not have that struggle; in fact, the school I went to always told us that those who wanted sex all the time were the ones with the problem. And your line of thinking about marriage is totally normal too. After awhile, it DOES become about companionship. You shouldn't marry just to find the sense of belonging though---you should marry because you two believe that's what is right for your relationship and because you want to spend the rest of your lives together AND you expect the union to last a lifetime. I was always told also that not wanting sex unless you loved the person/were married to them is how it should be, and not abnormal at all.

The best relationships don't start with a physical attraction; they start because they find something they like about the person that's more important. I like people who've got a sense of fun and a sense of humor, yet know not to get carried away, and who are smart. The physical stuff isn't usually the first thing that gets me. And I still do not consider myself any kind of asexual. You can call me demisexual if you want, but I consider that totally normal and the way it should be. Heterosexual should not and does not mean you're supposed to be on all the time. Nor does it mean that you find people attractive you don't know only. It means you find people attractive of the opposite sex.

You could obsess about finding the right label for yourself, but you know what? We are young, and we will all change our minds. I wish people wouldn't be so caught up in what someone identifies as, because they will likely change their minds, and that will force them to change the label and lose whatever sense of community they gained from having the previous label. In the end, if you're meant to be with someone, you will be, and if not you won't. I wouldn't worry about the label at all; I would just go with this boy you seem to like and see where it goes from there. :)

[Guest]

I know it's an opinion controversial enough to fill more than one thread (and has done so repeatedly), but I'd say that someone who has no desire for partnered sex is asexual. Not "could likely be", but "is by definition".

I'm pretty certain that if you wanted sex, then hell yes you would know it... and wouldn't be asking yourself this. ;)

[littleheartsofjoy]

Yeah I have to agree with Mysticus Insanus.

I can relate, somewhat, as a Christian. I have never had a hard time staying abstinent, because I have never had a desire for sex. The desire is not going to automatically disappear, imo. I figure that people who do have the desire, just choose not to fall to it. When I got into my first relationship, I just assumed that it would occur then, since I cared about the person but it didn't happen. It never happened because that's just not how I'm wired. Before I realized that I was ace, I thought that I was just doing the right thing, and I didn't understand why it was so hard for some people. In time, I learned that I was different. Others who struggled, were trying to suppress/fight a desire, and me? I couldn't relate because there was no desire to suppress.

[Hungerwolf]

Asexuality refers to desire. Abstinence refers to action. One can have the desire and choose not to have sex, or one can have no desire and choose to have sex. If you don't feel it, you're probably asexual.

[Wolfjackle]

Asexuality refers to sexual attraction. If you've never felt sexual attraction, or don't really know what it feels like, you may be asexual.

However, that doesn't mean you're aromantic. You can totally be interested in someone romantically but not sexually. The two categories are not mutually exclusive. If you like the guy, and want to continue spending time with him, go for it! I know there are sexual people who don't really believe in the "spark" either. And many need to build a relationship before they can begin to feel attracted to someone.

Basically, just do what makes you happy. Don't worry about it right now. If the two of you are determined to remain abstinent for the time being, its not an issue. If it becomes an issue later on, or your relationship begins to get serious, discuss it with your partner.

Good luck!