aZombieGoast Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Hay I just joined this morning : > Anyways, I need some advice here. I've looked all over the internet but I can't seem to find anyone else with the same worries as me. I'm 16 (17 in less than a month) and it seems everyone around me has hit their "landmarks" if you will, while I haven't. All my school buds have crushes and are dating. I'm not. And I'm totally okay with that. I realize some people just aren't into that stuff until later, and some not at all. I used to figure my sister and I were just late bloomers (cause she didn't take interest in it either). At least, until earlier this year when she came out to me as a lesbian, which I'm also completely okay with. My circle of immediate friends are all pretty open minded and as a result I've been opened up to the whole world of LGBT topics and they've educated my sister and I on all of it, so I'm a pretty open minded lady. The only thing is when my sister was telling me about being gay she said she, "Guessed she always knew." However personally, I never known anything. I started getting a bit confused about myself, and looked up info on asexuality. Again, completely 100% open to being asexual (one of those previously mentioned friends identifies as asexual :3) except for the fact that I guess I'm sort of romantic; I've always been infatuated by the idea of being connected to/loving someone on that level. I've done some deep digging and it seems that I'm at least perhaps hetero-romantic or bi-romantic, but I'm afraid of being asexual. It's not that I think it's wrong or strange or am afraid of coming out, I'm just afraid I'll never be able to experience those kinds of deep feelings towards someone I'm in love with. Hell, I don't even know if Im capable of being in love. I like the idea of romantic love, but I've never felt it for anyone in my life. I guess you could say I'm desperately curious as to what it's like, but terrified I may never know or find someone I share it with... Sorry about the wall of text, but I would appreciate peoples' input, maybe to put my mind at ease. Side note: I've read about demisexuality as well, but again, never felt connected to someone well enough to know Link to post Share on other sites
HariSlate Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Okay, first off, . Cake. I get what you mean with everybody around you having crushes, etc. I'm sixteen and it was only really noticing people around me being in relationships that made me consider my own sexuality. I think, to be sure, you just have to think about it, and see what you feel comfortable with. And really, I think you just have to live your life, and if you meet somebody who you want to have a relationship with. I hope I've been at least moderately helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
DaughterOfCoul Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Hello and welcome to AVEN! I'm really glad that you decided to write out your thoughts here instead of keeping them bottled in. Hopefully it will allow you to find some peace of mind, if nothing else. I'm in a very similar situation to you - I'm sixteen (17 in June), I have a (straight) sister, and all of my friends have dated or are dating people. My first piece of advice is not to be too quick to label yourself. Unlike your sister, not all of us have always known they were 'different'. I only figured out I wasn't straight about six months ago. It will probably take some getting used to, especially if you only found out about asexuality a little while ago. If you stick too many label on yourself, you'll likely end up unhappy. For now, just figure it out as you go along, and then worry about what to call yourself. On the subject of romance, I will be of little help, seeing as I've never been in love or had a relationship. I will say this though - romance does not start and end with sex. Romance is about trust and love and compromise. There's so much more than the physical that is romantic, and to me, there could easily be a romantic relationship with no sex. Just because there is sex involved doesn't mean the two people love each other any more, it just mean they're comfortable with that. To sum it up, don't worry. You'll figure it out in the end, and I'm sure you'll find love whether it be platonic, romantic, physical, or not. Good luck! - Link to post Share on other sites
AWhiteGyrfalcon Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 I totally understand your journey!! You ring so many bells within me it's not funny!! I too struggle to figure out who and what I am. Perhaps our struggle is part of the problem - just accepting is perhaps a better way to go about life and figuring out who we are. I know I personally have started doing this in my own life - just accepting my feelings, thoughts and actions instead of trying to control and think my way out of everything and anything. This may not work for you, as everybody is different. But just my bit of wisdom. I too was kinda afraid of being asexual - because I have been brought up with parents and exposed to a society that says you must grow up, find a partner, fall in love, experience sex and making love and then get married, create children etc. But I've never been at all interested in that path in life - and have struggled my way through accepting I am different - and - while I do want a long term relationship - i'm built for one man pretty much and that's it. I mate for life. But finding a mate is difficult, and I guess that is the struggle those of us face if we are lesbian, gay, bisexual or anything else sexual because we are different, we are taught to view that negatively and to fight ourselves not to be different. I come back to acceptance and just role with life, see what happens and what comes. Anyway not sure if this in any way helps = but at least you know I undestand you and the struggle you face, I empathise, as I too still have bad days and struggle with who I am and how I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Animatescapist Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Hi, welcome to AVEN! I'm 17 and I had a similar experience with not dating even though everyone else was. I get that you're scared to be asexual- I was too. I was so worried that asexuality was just too weird an identity, and that I'd be closing doors for myself by identifying that way. But it isn't true! You can be asexual and still have meaningful relationships, they aren't any less deep if you don't feel sexual attraction. And you can still have sex if you want to. There are aces who have sex, and aces who don't. I totally get the fear of not falling in love... I'm sort of going through something similar. I'm really not sure about my romantic attraction, if I feel it or not. But I don't see anything wrong with just waiting and seeing what happens in the future. Cross that bridge when you come to it, you know? Just focus on being comfortable with yourself in the meantime. Good luck, feel free to PM if you need help :) Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Hi and welcome to AVEN! This is a good place to read about orientation and see how others have experienced these things. As it stands now for you, you may identify with a lot of feelings asexual people have, but that could change (it does for some people). Like others have said, don't let a label define you, just use a word that accurately describes your feelings. It's also okay to be questioning what word that should be if that's how you feel right now. It's also important to keep in mind that sexual people don't always want to have sex with people they are attracted to...it just means they might consider it if all the circumstances were right. I hope you enjoy being a member here! :) Link to post Share on other sites
violacium Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 By "landmark," do you mean confidence in choosing a sexual identity? From what you've described, I don't think that anything about you sounds unusual. I didn't have deep romantic feelings or think about my sexuality until I was about 24, and my life was pretty normal in all other aspects. I also felt that I had a much easier time processing those kind of considerations once I left high school. You'll find plenty of people to share your feelings with here on AVEN. I don't want to give you the "maybe you haven't found the right person yet" answer because I never found it helpful, but I think you'll find plenty of other people who have experienced the same situation as you. Also...welcome to AVEN! Link to post Share on other sites
R. Fenghuang Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Hello! Welcome to AVEN. I am about to turn eighteen and am still a virgin(though frankly quite knowledgeable) and I have never so much as wanted to kiss someone before. I have, however, fallen in love with quite a lot of people. Love is a very broad term which sort of umbrellas any number of fond feelings. Every love is different just like every person is different. There are general commonalities but, there are no rules. I would suggest simply being honest with yourself(even when it's frightening or overwhelming) and just doing what feels right without worrying which category you fall under. My love tends to be towards people who make me smile and simply enjoying basking in their glow. I call it love without intent. There's a distinct lack of sexual intent there and that is why I would identify as asexual. Just be yourself(corny and cliche as that sounds) and enjoy the fact that today you are alive and free. Hope this helped some, Rainee Additionally, if you are very concerned you might want to try taking a kinsey scale test. Link to post Share on other sites
Guy Switzy Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 It's okay, you're new, and still learning. Asexual does not equal aromantic, and neither equals the incapacity to love. I'm 17, still have my virginity (been called gay and a loser for it) and no desire to loose it, but I deeply desire love, a partner, 'The One', I guess you could say. I first discovered the asexual community when I was 16, I knew I fit instantly, and unlike many, I have no problems being a 'Queer'. I know what you feel, the fear that you'll never find anyone, but people like us who experience that feeling just need to keep looking and never give up, even if the search doesn't get easier. May we all find what, or who, we're looking for in life! Link to post Share on other sites
Cereal Tendencies Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Welcome! I understand how you must feel about the possibility of "missing out" on being able to love and be loved. But remember, asexuals do form relationships, and sexual-asexual relationships do happen. Just carry on with your life, grow and learn more about your self, the right person will come along soon enough. Don't worry too much and over-think it :) Link to post Share on other sites
aZombieGoast Posted April 19, 2014 Author Share Posted April 19, 2014 Wow such a warm welcome :o I guess most of the forums I've been on are full of like, rude people or something cause you all see so friendly here... I'm pleasantly surprised x3 Anyways, thanks for the advice and such. To answer some of you, it isn't really that I would mind being asexual or think I couldn't find love or hold a relationship, I guess all I'm saying is I'm really curious as to what it feels like to want to be with someone and I'm worried I would be incapable of finding out UvU I'm not trying to label myself, it's just sort of a soul-searching kind of thing, trying to find out who I am kind of thing that happens at my age. I think I'll just wait it out, see what happens, do more soul-searching and see what happens. Thanks again lovelies UvU Link to post Share on other sites
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