How can you not feel heartless as an aromantic?

[Sleepy Skeleton]

I'm in high school and I hang out with the "outcasts" who go here, who are mostly male. I'm not pretty looking and I have very much trouble talking to people and making friends, but I've noticed there are a lot of guys I know who want to be in a relationship with me. I've had two boyfriends in the past, both of which were friends before we got together. But I never returned any romantic feelings for them. I just "went out" with them because I was too afraid of hurting their feelings. When I finally got the courage to end things they said they'd like to be friends again. But neither of them ever talked to me again beyond the polite "hello" when we see each other.

That just breaks my heart. It makes me angry and hurt. I feel like they were never my friend to begin with and just wanted to have a girl around. I know I didn't do the right thing either by leading them on like that. But both times I've tried to tell them they were great and it was just me who wasn't good at dating.

I dated my second boyfriend last year, but this year I've made more friends, most of which are guys. One guy ("Dave") was a new kid to my school and tried to become friends with me right away. He's really nice and we have a lot in common. I love having him as a friend. But I can tell he's the kind of person who feels he always needs to be dating someone. It's time for prom at school and I know he's been looking to go with someone for a while, but as I can tell most people turn him down. All along I was planning on going alone since I know many of my other friends are doing that as well. Finally Dave asked me out, and I was too uncomfortable to say no. I really don't want to hurt his feelings, but the idea of being someone's date makes me sick. But now that I've said yes there's nothing I can do. He already told all of his friends that we're going to prom together, put it on Facebook, ugh...

I know I'll have to tell him eventually that I'm aromantic, but I'm terrified that I'm going to lose him as a friend just like everyone else. I have so little friends as is that it's really going to hurt to lose another.

It's not just him, either. I feel like I'll never be able to have a real friendship with a guy unless he's already seeing someone else. Otherwise it'll just be a cycle: become "friends" with a guy, he'll try to start a romantic relationship, I'll regrettably friendzone him, and he'll be too hurt to talk to me.

TL;DR How do you not feel guilty every time someone is interested in you? I feel like a horrible person for just wanting platonic relationships.

[The Great WTF]

By remembering that this isn't an aromantic thing, nor a heartless people thing. Just because you're aromantic doesn't mean you would want to date them even if you were not. Most people, asexual or not, aromantic or not, at some point in their life are going to be confronted with a situation where someone has feelings for them that they do not reciprocate.

Be brave and be honest. If you don't want to tell them you're aromantic, just tell them you're not interested in relationship or not ready for one. If they don't respect you enough to leave it at that, they're not really your friend anyway. The sooner you make it clear, the better.

[TheKindredSoul]

I am a high schooler, just like you. I once had this boy (second time this has ever happened to me before) who had a crush on me. It is so awkward when people have crushes on me, and I do not understand why it happens. How am I able to stir up someone's chemistry? It makes no sense to me.

Anyway, I cannot control my orientation, and nor can he. I had to put him down gently, but we are still friends. I have a feeling he still has a crush on me, since he lacks personal space and makes me feel slightly uncomfortable sometimes (that is due to the fact he is on the autistic spectrum, but being a person who loves personal space, this scares me a little). I am not heartless, I am just incapable of loving in a romantic way. It feels strange when I have to tell someone I am not interested in them romantically, because then I shatter said person's dream of having me as their girlfriend, but what else can I do? Feelings are feeling, and his feelings for me will fade. Unrequited love exists and that is just fact. I once used to think: "Why do I have to deal with another person's heart. They threw it at me!", but when I thought about it, he cannot control his feelings. I cannot control mine. He did not mean to throw his heart at me....it was just a chemical reaction in the brain. I feel sad that this has to happen to them, and that I might have caused them temporary pain, but that happens!

Which makes me wonder....if humans did not sexually reproduce...would romantic love still exist? Although homosexuals/homoromantics fall in love, and this obviously does not produce offspring, what would happen if we reproduced asexually? Would romantic love be gone too? If so, then what kind of love would we have and how many broken hearts would exist? Sorry, that might have been off topic, but it is interesting to think about.

This does not just happen to aromantics though, but romantics as well. However, I would say aromantics go through it more because we never/rarely feel romantic attraction.

Romantics feel it quite regularly I would say (or more often than grey-romantics and aromantics).

[NewfangledArtist]

Don't feel bad! It wouldn't be fair to make yourself act more 'romantic' now would it? On that note, aromantics are also people with strong feelings. I feel I may be aro, but I still know I've a strong heart. I'm that honest person who will keep their lips sealed when a friend is having personal issues and needs my help. I am gentle and loving with all my pets, family and friends. Yet, I just wouldn't be happy in a romantic relationship. It's smothering having someone pester me all the time. And I hate being cuddled etc, doesn't make me a mean person at all. Just someone who knows what would and wouldn't make themselves happy (you're allowed to entitle yourself to that without feeling guilty, y'know :) )

About the friend, make it clear. It's not good to make yourself date someone out of guilt. You can still go to prom together, but as friends. What's so wrong about that? Friends can still reminisce and dance and all that other prom stuff. You could have a great time still, so long as he understands and respects how you feel it could still be a great friendly meet up. I think you should tell him how you are, or it wil make you feel very unhappy and pressured to go along with it just to make him happy. Also, you're a very nice person for worrying about putting others down to begin with. Don't worry about being 'heartless' because you're not at all, just someone who doesn't like romantic relationships. You do not need to desire intimate love in order to have a strong heart.

Also, I don't mean to imply this is what your friend is doing. This parts kinda unrelated to the situation itself you described. But while I'm at it, a word of advice for future. Never once should you worry you're a cold robot just for being aromantic. If anyone makes you feel that way, do not let them. I find people who were sexually or romantically interested in me would (and still do) always try to make me feel 'guilty' for it. And no, that's not fair of them. Over time I realised anyone who wasn't willing to understand my situation, continue to be what I need - a friend, and even those who became hostile and bitter just because I didn't want to date them were selfish. They didn't love me enough as their friend, if they did they wouldn't take the huff and guilt trip me whenever I didn't want the same. Again, not saying that's what's going on here. But if your life is much like mine, you'll probably go through this kinda scenario at some point if you haven't already. And do not feel guilty again if it does, anyone who makes you feel bad for just wanting different isn't a good person to worry about to begin with. A true friend who likes you may at least be a little heartbroken at first, but then they should respect you want to be friends and continue to be there just that much without making any more moves.

Good luck, you're not heartless!

[Anime Pancake]

You're not the only person that goes through this.

I understand that it can feel really uncomfortable. I go through the same thing sometimes. A lot of the time, I just want to be friends with people, but it is somewhat common that some of my female friends may end up developing feelings for me, when I am generally only looking for friendship.

I think as we continue to go through life and have these situations happen, that we can learn and grow and we can get through these situations better each time little by little. Sometimes the person that we only see as a friend will be very disappointed and hurt, and may not want to talk to us for a while. Others may be disappointed, but will eventually understand and a great friendship will continue afterward.

I've also been on the opposite side of the situation. There have been people I liked or had strong feelings for, and when I expressed how I felt to them, they simply didn't see me as anything more than a friend. It hurts and it can be very disappointing, but a lot of those people are my really good friends now. Even though I expressed my feelings to them some years ago.

But another time, someone told me they had feelings for me a while back, and I told them that I wasn't interested in relationships at that time, and the person got very mad and pretty much no longer wanted to speak to me at all. So some people react differently.

The rest that I wrote is in the spoiler.

The fact that the people you mentioned only speak casually to you and not on a deep friendship level anymore, it may just show how much they truly liked or like you, so it may hurt them when they think about it. After some time has passed, they should hopefully feel better and if you really want to encourage your friendship again, you can approach them again if you want to. The only problem is that, if they really liked you before, then those feelings may end up returning again for them, which would obviously be very uncomfortable for you both.

So like I said, I have experience on both sides of the situation. But I understand how it can be really hurtful to have a friend, and then when you let them know you're not interested in a relationship, they may suddenly act like you're not really friends anymore, as if they were mainly aiming for a romantic relationship the whole time.

For your situation in particular though, I think the main thing you might want to seriously change is not getting in a relationship in the first place, if you don't have feelings for them. If you are honest from the beginning, then you have done the best that you can. That's all you can do. But if you get in a relationship with someone, you're basically telling them through your actions that you like them. And of course if you tell someone you want to be in a relationship with them, and then later dump them because you don't have feelings for them, isn't it natural that their feelings get hurt?

Just be honest from the beginning. You said you don't want to hurt their feelings, so you agree to go out with them. But imagine how hurt they will feel when they realize that happy moment when you said you would be in a relationship with them; when they realize you never had feelings for them in the first place. Social interaction can be uncomfortable in general, but if you really care about the person, you will take the effort and let them know from the beginning how you really feel.

Anyways, I know that everything can feel difficult in general. Just hang in there. Most of us are just dealing with our individual feelings and views on life in this world, and we don't all feel the same way as each other. Some of us are just trying to get through life.

Keep your chin up and have hope. Be honest and do your best. Things will make sense and hopefully get easier as time goes by :)

[LevanaMoon]

I must second the thought that it's not an aromantic thing...I'm not aromantic but I have rejected 8 guys in my school in the past couple years, and I felt guilty every time...everyone goes through needing to reject people they're not interested in, and it really is painful for people who care about people's feelings. The fact that you do care, shows that you're not heartless. Honestly, you need to also care about yourself and say "no" when you're not interested - in the long run, it's the healthier choice for the interested party, too. Although, to be honest, you can still go to prom "as a friend" instead of " as a date" if that would make you more comfortable. ^_^

[DexM]

I bet you have spent time with friends, family and those who know you best, and have given them all the emotional support that you can give. If you're not sure about that then go ask them. I bet you they will bring up countless moments, memories and situations, where you have been there for them. You're probably remembering a few as you read :) It's these situations that you need to remember if you ever think you're heartless. Never think that way when it comes to turning someone down. Heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, all will have turned someone down at some point in their lives. They simply weren't their type, no doubt they felt some guilt, but rejection like that is a part of life. And if anyone makes/tries to make, you feel bad about it then they probably aren't mature enough to handle certain emotions. That is their fault, not your's. I fully understand that it is harder for asexuals, even harder for aromantics, as you may never want a type or may struggle to think you will find that type. But it is your choice, your life, and don't let any damaged ego, tell you other wise.

[Swimfreak660]

Just because you are aromantic does not mean you are heartless, the fact that you want a platonic relationship is proof of that. I know how you feel about being guilted into relationships because you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings, but if you just explain that you are not interested they should respect that. That way you don't have to explain that you are aromantic if you don't want to, everyone feels that. You have no obligation to date anyone, whether they are your friend or not. As for your prom date, you can just go as friends and it doesn't have to be anything past that. You can still hang with your other friends when you're there and just have a good time.

Good luck with everything!

[freckles]

Remember also you don't owe anyone any emotion that doesn't come naturally to you! Anyone who makes you feel bad for """friendzoning"""" isn't a good friend ("""friendzoning""" is just a whiny myth people make up when they're angry a girl won't go out with him). If someone tries to make you feel bad for not liking them back you don't need them in your life. You gotta be you and they gotta be them.

[Zash]

Being aromantic does not mean heartless. You shown you have a heart because turning them down makes you sad in sympathy. Or empathy... I always get those two mixed up. Anyways, if you were heartless, you could reject them without an ounce of guilt. And that might feel better than having a heart, because I still feel guilty about how I rejected a couple people over a decade ago. Granted, I didn't let them down gently, because I was panicking at the time, but, I still feel bad about it. Always wish I could apologize for it, but I never really saw them again.

[A lone Tyranid]

I'm Aromantic and simply avoid being heartless by avoiding romantic relationships. Which is easy for me. I am a very poor specimen( romantically) it would seem so I have no "unwanted attention"...at least, none that I am aware of.

Its also not heartless if you never felt anything anyway.

Just don't say it like that.

[elleba_wolf]

as someone who is aromantic most of the time, i have quite a simple answer to your question (or, rather, a counter-question): why should you feel guilty about being what you are? it's not your fault that these people are attracted to you; it's not anyone's fault, really, since attraction is a subjective and random thing.

you shouldn't beat yourself up about rejecting unwanted advances. YOU are the most important and valuable thing that you have, and so is your own comfort and well-being. don't let anything make you feel guilty for something you don't control, or make compromises you might regret.

it is okay to be a little selfish. heck, even a lot selfish :D

[Mioav]

I personally think Aromantics have some sort of fear response to relationships.

My brain tends to go "person likes me, Evac! GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE!", possibly in a similar way people would if an axe welding maniac kicks down the front door.

Whats probably worse is that people believe your just saying your asexual to get out of a relationship with them, which is why people seem to be just that little bit hostile to you, your also just slightly more attractive to people (Aces seem to give off some hormone or something)

Maybe the best card is to say your married, tends to work for me.

[Guest]

No one has been honestly interested in me romantically that I know of IRL. Now that I'm thinking about it (and my memory and imagination is being very vivid at the moment due to my messed up sleeping cycle) there was a few online-only "friends" that admitted they had developed feelings for me and none of them ended well. The thing is I did feel bad telling them that I was asexual, not interested enough or couldn't see how anything could work out. Fortunately such a situation is rare. What would have been worse though would me not having the guts to break-away/establish a fact and leading them into something I can't promise and turning my life upside-down over it as well.

(I hope that makes sense....my brain is being dysfunctional right now....)

[Zash]

I personally think Aromantics have some sort of fear response to relationships.

My brain tends to go "person likes me, Evac! GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE!", possibly in a similar way people would if an axe welding maniac kicks down the front door.

Whats probably worse is that people believe your just saying your asexual to get out of a relationship with them, which is why people seem to be just that little bit hostile to you, your also just slightly more attractive to people (Aces seem to give off some hormone or something)

Maybe the best card is to say your married, tends to work for me.

^ My reaction to anyone approaching with romantic intent.

And I think the reason we are more attractive to others is because of the hard to get angle. The line of thinking usually goes, "They can turn me down, which means they are really good partners, so therefore I must try harder."

[WhenSummersGone]

I personally don't think aromantics are heartless, just aromantic. Romance is different from caring or being compassionate. If someone is respectful and nice towards me then it doesn't matter if they are aromantic or not. I've talked to a few guys online that never want to date anyone but I could still enjoy talking to them. They were nice guys.

[Sally]

Mioav, on 27 Apr 2014 - 08:00 AM, said:

I personally think Aromantics have some sort of fear response to relationships.

That's like saying asexuals have some sort of fear response to sex.

What's the matter with realizing that aromantics simply don't feel the need to have romance? Like asexuals don't feel the need to have sex.

There's no need to psychologize everything.

[Lambda Corvus]

I personally think Aromantics have some sort of fear response to relationships.

My brain tends to go "person likes me, Evac! GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE!", possibly in a similar way people would if an axe welding maniac kicks down the front door.

Whats probably worse is that people believe your just saying your asexual to get out of a relationship with them, which is why people seem to be just that little bit hostile to you, your also just slightly more attractive to people (Aces seem to give off some hormone or something)

Maybe the best card is to say your married, tends to work for me.

No, I'm pretty sure that is not how it works for aromantics. As an aromantic, I do not experience romantic attraction. I do not understand romance, or how relationship can be built upon it. When confronted with unwanted romantic attraction directed towards me, I get out quickly to avoid hurting the other person. And yet, the other person is still hurt.

Saying aromantics have a fear response to romantic relationships is like saying homosexuals have a fear response to heterosexual sex. Those words go a long way towards saying "aromanticism isn't real". That's the net effect of pathologising everything -- normal human variance becomes an illness.

[Wokgran X]

Or maybe something like this. (except that not really)

Indeed people sometimes thing that being against romance and being aromantic are the same thing, but (a)romantic should be the void/absence of romance, in the common definition, romantic attraction.

Anyway xD, i try to be very practical and reasonable about everything, and the heart is not a second brain. Being aromantic/asexual doesn't make you "heartless", since you can still be nice to people and all. Or at least the interpretation on heartless that i have is being void of empathy/emotion towards others. And again, like stated, most people, romantic or aromantic, have to deal someday with turning someone down, and well, the fact that you will feel bad for making the person feel bad is just a proof that you are far from heartless, if that's your concern.
So, different people deal with this in different ways, being honest and saying that romantic things are a hassle for you and this will destroy your friendship with that given person is an option, saying that you are closed to romantic business and there is nothing that person can do to change that is another, and even apologizing for not being able to return their feelings is other. Sure there are those who do it in a more "heartless" way, saying they don't want that period (and sometimes throwing the other person defects on their face without concern for their feelings, this is being heartless).

But, again, learning how to turn others offers down is something everyone should learn, otherwise you might fail a lot in life, since there are plenty of people with ulterior motives trying to make you do something for them, be it buying their new product, joining their clan/religion or being able to do nasty things with you.

[Guest]

Which makes me wonder....if humans did not sexually reproduce...would romantic love still exist? Although homosexuals/homoromantics fall in love, and this obviously does not produce offspring, what would happen if we reproduced asexually? Would romantic love be gone too? If so, then what kind of love would we have and how many broken hearts would exist? Sorry, that might have been off topic, but it is interesting to think about.

I have always believed that romantic love would exist. Being a religious person I have reasoned that when God created the world, He could have simply said, "Okay, I will give this couple a baby, and I will give that couple a baby as well," and God could simply create babies out of nothing and then give them to couples as He saw fit.

My overall point that I am making is this: in a world without sexual reproduction, people would still want to be romantic towards each other, and as part of their being romantic towards each other, they would raise children together. And even those who did not want children would still want to experience all of the nonsexual benefits of being in a romantic relationship.

But, again, learning how to turn others offers down is something everyone should learn, otherwise you might fail a lot in life, since there are plenty of people with ulterior motives trying to make you do something for them, be it buying their new product, joining their clan/religion or being able to do nasty things with you.

I learned that lesson the hard way (years ago) when a business owner was persistent in begging me to work for him. Working for a horrible boss who paid me cash in dribs and drabs was not a good experience, and the only reason why I worked for him at all was because I was too scared to say no-thank-you to his persistence.

[Synchrèse]

I agree with almost everyone in here (I've never liked so many responses in a single post)...

You cannot feel guilty/ heartless/ cold/ bad because of something that is completely INDEPENDENT from you, because there is no point - all you do is degrading and hurting yourself and I'd like to remind you that you're gonna spend an entire life with yourself so it's better to be in a good relationship with oneself first, then the others.

You have to understand that rejection happens to everyone, no matter whether they're sexual or asexual, romantic or aromantic. We won't be always compatible with one another, at least to certain extent, that's it. And, sooner or later, they'll get over it anyway, so don't worry.

I

[Slayerin96]

Love cannot be enforced, therefore one is not heartless just because they don't love someone back. Furthermore, love is a complicated notion whose meaning is generally misunderstood - most people tend to associate it solely with romance, but that is only one of the types of love existing. So just because I'm aromantic, this doesn't mean I'm incapable of loving - it's just that I can't love THAT way. Those who don't understand this are ignorant and narrow-minded.