Are asexuals able to provide good sex to a sexual partner?

[Raniiyya]

Are asexuals able to provide good sex to a sexual partner?

[Lia]

I suppose that depends on your definition of "good sex"?

And it's not necessarily about "ability", either. I would venture to say that the good majority of asexual people have the physical ability to engage in sex if they so choose. I think your question is flawed. If you're asking, a blanket statement, if an asexual partner would be willing to have sex with a sexual partner then your answer will be "it depends solely on the couple in question, and what they are and are not comfortable compromising on both ends of the relationship".

[Raniiyya]

I guess what I mean by good sex is are they able to have their partner climax? Especially an asexual male providing this to a female...

[Lia]

Again, a flawed question. It's not a matter of physical ability, it's a matter of whether or not they (a specific, individual person) is willing to compromise on having sex, if they enjoy having sex, if they are a libidoist, etc. No one could answer a question like the ones you have asked in the way that they have been framed. It's much too open-ended.

["""]

Of course... Why wouldn't we?

[marki]

I am sure if I wanted to rock a girls world I could.......but I find it so gross that I wouldn't want to.

[Hobbes!]

Can't pretend to be an expert on the subject, but from what I can tell good sex boils down to communication. Not certain I could stay aroused for good 'ol PIV sex, but oral doesn't look too difficult. So from this asexual male, the answer is "probably"

[The Great WTF]

That's going to depend entirely on the individuals. Many sexual males have trouble getting female partners to climax, so I would assume you'd have the same or similar margin of error with asexuals who are willing to compromise.

Ability to give sexual pleasure is not a trait inherently attached to sexual orientation. Often it comes down to ability to learn, respond, and understand a partner's particular needs and kinks. An asexual can learn these just as a sexual can. The question will, in the end, come down to what kind of sexual activity the asexual in question is comfortable with.

[Raniiyya]

I suppose that depends on your definition of "good sex"?

And it's not necessarily about "ability", either. I would venture to say that the good majority of asexual people have the physical ability to engage in sex if they so choose. I think your question is flawed. If you're asking, a blanket statement, if an asexual partner would be willing to have sex with a sexual partner then your answer will be "it depends solely on the couple in question, and what they are and are not comfortable compromising on both ends of the relationship".

I apologize but I'm new to all this.

Sex as a compromise sort of blows my mind. Isn't that rape?

How can you please a girl when the girl knows you're not into it?

I haven't slept in a couple of nights because I realize my husband may be asexual.

I've never felt more hurt and confused. I understand it's not his fault and I don't want to hurt him (if I don't already by simply asking for sex).

[marki]

I mean if he is cool with pleasing you and hasn't made any sort of objection to it I wouldn't feel bad about it. I think if he wasn't into it he would let you know.

As an asexual man I just wouldn't do anything with a girl if I didn't want to. But if I loved a girl I would totally be okay with doing the few things I am comfortable with.

There are still many things I just would outright refuse to do, and on those matters I wouldn't compromise. But I wouldn't let a girl do anything to me I didn't want.

[Hobbes!]

I suppose that depends on your definition of "good sex"?

And it's not necessarily about "ability", either. I would venture to say that the good majority of asexual people have the physical ability to engage in sex if they so choose. I think your question is flawed. If you're asking, a blanket statement, if an asexual partner would be willing to have sex with a sexual partner then your answer will be "it depends solely on the couple in question, and what they are and are not comfortable compromising on both ends of the relationship".

I apologize but I'm new to all this.

Sex as a compromise sort of blows my mind. Isn't that rape?

How can you please a girl when the girl knows you're not into it?

I haven't slept in a couple of nights because I realize my husband may be asexual.

I've never felt more hurt and confused. I understand it's not his fault and I don't want to hurt him (if I don't already by simply asking for sex).

Compromise sex isn't the same as non-consensual sex. Suppose I have sex with my (Hypothetical, hah!) girlfriend because I know it makes her happy. If she didn't like it, I wouldn't bother, but I'm happy to consent to it to make her happy. It's no worse than say, going to see a film you don't much like because your partner wants to.

Oh, and we were all new to this once

[Lady Girl]

I apologize but I'm new to all this.

Sex as a compromise sort of blows my mind. Isn't that rape?

How can you please a girl when the girl knows you're not into it?

I haven't slept in a couple of nights because I realize my husband may be asexual.

I've never felt more hurt and confused. I understand it's not his fault and I don't want to hurt him (if I don't already by simply asking for sex).

Non consensual sex is rape. Willing sexual compromise in a sexual/asexual relationship is not rape.

If the girl is willing to accept the offer of sexual activity as a loving gesture from her asexual partner and he has learned how to please her physically (as WTF mentioned) then it is likely she will climax.

It may be difficult for both people to talk about sexual activity, but it is really the only way to find out what the asexual partner is comfortable with and how the sexual partner feels regarding sexual activity (or lack of it). If you want to stay together, it might be an awkward but probably necessary conversation to have.

[Guest]

Compromise is not rape. If I, as an asexual that is not into sex at all, CHOOSE to have sex out of love for my partner, that is my decision. All you can do is discuss your needs and your partners feelings and see if you can reach a middle ground. Telling your partner that you need sex is not coercion. That is stating your own needs within a relationship. Demanding/pressuring/threatening to hurt them if they don't provide is not cool, but a rational discussion on the matter is fine.

And yes, asexuals can get their partner to climax. However, many sexuals miss the DESIRE and ATTRACTION portion of sex that asexuals are not able to offer. My partner says my ability in bed is quite good, but yet I still lack of the mutual passion he desires, so I am not as good as I could be if I were sexual. But, he is content with what he can get. Others may not find sex "good" unless they have that mutual passion/desire/attraction and that's OK - but that is the thing the asexual can't really compromise on.

[Raniiyya]

Others may not find sex "good" unless they have that mutual passion/desire/attraction and that's OK - but that is the thing the asexual can't really compromise on.

This^^ doesn't make sense to me. How is sex compromise when there isn't any mutual desire :c

This upsets me. I feel we will never be happy because I don't want his 'compromise' I want his desire...

How do I work in curbing what I want?

[NotAllHere]

I say, be happy that he loves you enough to compromise. That right there shows enough of a desire for my boyfriend- it shows that I acknowledge how important it is to him and do what I can. Our mutual desire is that of us wanting the other to be as happy as we can make them.

Just because I don't experience sexual attraction doesn't mean I can't consent to sex- so saying that my compromise is akin to me being raped is just wrong. I'm an adult and I can make my own choices and decisions.

My boyfriend actually says that I'm the best he's ever slept with- so far, anyway. Without going into too much detail, I've been able to make him feel things his exs never did. So I'd say how good an asexual is in bed depends on the asexual, how much practice they've had, how okay with having sex they are, and their partner.

An asexual man can make a girl climax- he might even have an advantage if the sexual compromise just meant that he concentrated on her pleasure. It depends on how much the man is willing to do. I can certainly make my boyfriend climax.

[Guest]

Others may not find sex "good" unless they have that mutual passion/desire/attraction and that's OK - but that is the thing the asexual can't really compromise on.

This^^ doesn't make sense to me. How is sex compromise when there isn't any mutual desire :c

This upsets me. I feel we will never be happy because I don't want his 'compromise' I want his desire...

How do I work in curbing what I want?

Because we can willingly do it without desiring to do it for ourselves. Just like I can compromise and watch a comedy with my boyfriend, even though I have no desire to watch that genre for myself. If desire is what you need, that is one thing he can't give if he doesn't feel it.I can desire my partner romantically, I can desire his company, but I cannot and will not ever desire him sexually. I cannot desire anyone sexually. If desire is something he CANNOT give and it's something you HAVE TO HAVE then that is an incompatibility. Whether or not it's a deal breaking one is up to you guys. You'll have to talk it out.

[Yoruichi]

Ironically, I´m actually pretty good at sex and I could rock any guys socks off.

But I don´t wanna so I´m not gonna :P

I´ve spent so many years of my life faking desire, attraction and arousal in my pursuit of trying to be "normal" so I know it can be REALLY convincing and I´ve had guys telling me I´m the best they ever had. Good for them. Didn´t get me anything, though.

Now that I know there´s nothing wrong with me - I´m just asexual - I don´t need to push myself into having sex all the time anymore. I´ll just consent to sexual actions when I actually feel comfortable to do so (which is not often as I´m somewhat repulsed).

[lissi]

My ex was technically a very good lover. He paid careful attention to what a liked and did lots of it. I guess because he was totally focused on my needs, not his. However, not being able to initiate, no suggestive comments -ever, no physical intimacy outside of the bedroom, was so difficult to handle emotionally. Now I know the truth, I wouldn't have sex with him if he was the last man on the planet.

[marki]

If a girl has an instruction manual I could be amazing.

[NamTar]

I have been been given compliments on my performance in bed, but in a strictly physical way. Problems can arise when you don't seem as into it as your partner, or are lacking an emotional enjoyment of sex. Many people not only want to enjoy sex, but they want their partners to be as into it as they are. While I never had a problem enjoying the physical aspect well enough, I just don't feel any emotions connected to it at all and have had reliationships end for this reason (for being "distant," for not initiating, etc). But I suppose being aromantic plays into it.

As for asexuality, it depends on a lot, I suppose. The ace person's ability or inability to enjoy sex, their view of sex, etc. I'd imagine there is no one right answer to the question in the OP. It also depends on how each partner defines "good sex."

[caffeine]

I really dislike fried eggs in any shape or form but I could make you a fabulous omelette. If I care enough for you to bring myself to cook : )

[Janus the Fox]

If a girl has an instruction manual I could be amazing.

Lol, same for guys, I'm even sure there's pages missing from my own user manual. ;)

[R_1]

I am sure if I wanted to rock a girls world I could.......but I find it so gross that I wouldn't want to.

If a girl has an instruction manual I could be amazing.

Uh... I just want to point these two comments out. Which is it? It is that one or this one?

[Sally]

Raniiyya, on 17 Apr 2014 - 09:26 AM, said:

Serran, on 17 Apr 2014 - 09:19 AM, said:

Others may not find sex "good" unless they have that mutual passion/desire/attraction and that's OK - but that is the thing the asexual can't really compromise on.

This^^ doesn't make sense to me. How is sex compromise when there isn't any mutual desire :c

This upsets me. I feel we will never be happy because I don't want his 'compromise' I want his desire...

How do I work in curbing what I want?

What you want is what you want. You can't curb that.

What an asexual (or anyone) doesn't want is what they don't want. They can't change that either.

If one person wants sex and expects another person to do so also, even though they don't, there will be no compromise.

To make it more simple, compromise involves what you do or don't do. Not what you feel or don't feel. You can change what you do, not what you feel.

[MadRat]

I don´t think so. Even many sexuals can´t do that, or at least their partners constantly claim how lame they´re.

[Philip027]

I doubt this one could. I'd have no idea what I'm doing.

[Philiarocks]

There are too many variables between individuals to provide a blanket answer, I think. Certainly, I've heard of aces who can and do provide their partners sexual satisfaction. So I think we can agree that simply being asexual does not categorically mean one cannot satisfy a partner. Of course, people have very different ideas on what constitutes 'satisfaction.' On the other hand some can't provide satisfying sex or don't. The same holds true for sexuals, when you think about it.

[*Judy*]

Others may not find sex "good" unless they have that mutual passion/desire/attraction and that's OK - but that is the thing the asexual can't really compromise on.

This^^ doesn't make sense to me. How is sex compromise when there isn't any mutual desire :c

This upsets me. I feel we will never be happy because I don't want his 'compromise' I want his desire...

How do I work in curbing what I want?

I think the word in itself is the problem here: compromise...in connection with sex there is a bad sound to it, right? Try to free your mind of this thinking, society gave you. How you feel about compromising is just in your head. It's a thing between your husband and you, nobody else and why is a compromise something bad?

You would compromise in a relationship about so many other things right? So why not concerning sex? Tell yourself this: a compromise doesn't make you're ugly, undesireable, or a bad person in general. If your husband is asexual, being himself feels the most normal it ever could and so him saying: I'd love to compromise with you when it comes to sex is a huge sign of love and trust for an asexual! He does all of this to you because he loves you, try to appreciate it, accept it in his whole form of caring for you!

[Feral_Sophisticate]

Others may not find sex "good" unless they have that mutual passion/desire/attraction and that's OK - but that is the thing the asexual can't really compromise on.

This^^ doesn't make sense to me. How is sex compromise when there isn't any mutual desire :c

This upsets me. I feel we will never be happy because I don't want his 'compromise' I want his desire...

How do I work in curbing what I want?

I think the word in itself is the problem here: compromise...in connection with sex there is a bad sound to it, right? Try to free your mind of this thinking, society gave you. How you feel about compromising is just in your head. It's a thing between your husband and you, nobody else and why is a compromise something bad?

You would compromise in a relationship about so many other things right? So why not concerning sex? Tell yourself this: a compromise doesn't make you're ugly, undesireable, or a bad person in general. If your husband is asexual, being himself feels the most normal it ever could and so him saying: I'd love to compromise with you when it comes to sex is a huge sign of love and trust for an asexual! He does all of this to you because he loves you, try to appreciate it, accept it in his whole form of caring for you!

I don't think the word "compromise" is the issue, I think the issue is how most people interpret its meaning.

"Compromise" isn't a bad word. It's also not synonymous with "Sacrifice". Where relationships (of any kind) are concerned, compromise tends to enrich the relationship, and tighten the bonds that connect one person to another. Also, within a relationship (of any kind), sacrifice tends to have negative connotations, and there's a reason for that.

We all compromise on a day to day basis. Every decision we make is fraught with compromise. Sometimes, yes, we must sacrifice, especially when we have only $2 in our pocket, and we can afford the latte or the muffin, but not both (for example).

Let's look at each word and its definition.

To compromise is to "settle a dispute by mutual concession or to attain a middle state between conflicting opinions or actions, reached by mutual concession or modification."

(emphasis is mine)

Sacrifice is the "act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy, or to give up (something important or valued) for the sake of other considerations."

Sacrifice is surrender, and isn't a "middle road". It's where someone caves and gives in, letting the other person have their way. It's also a great way to introduce resentment into a relationship.

Compromise allows both sides to feel a sense of "win" (or, at the very least, diminished loss), and let them preserve an element of their ego or freedom of will.

One can potentially destroy: the other to potentially build.

Guess which one I prefer?

[marki]

Are sexuals able to make good cakes?

The whole question is ridiculous haha.