How can I talk to her?

[Seeyacea]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years. She struggles with depression and anxiety. After a few months of complete celibacy, I started to wonder if I had done something or if Hannah had lost interest in me. Hannah has always had a fairly low sex drive in comparison to myself, but we are both very romantic and that satisfies me. I have often tried to talk to her about her feelings and mine and what we can do to manage them. Lately Hannah's sex drive has been nonexistent. I don't have any issue with this, it's just often so inconsistent that I feel I can never do anything right. I can never initiate physical intimacy with her, it immediately frustrates her. If I ever speak to her about sex she gets very upset and asks things like "is that all you care about?" And " you bring this up all of the time". She is constantly telling me that she is still attracted to me, but just doesn't want to have sex. I don't push her, or tell her to have sex with me, but I am always open and honest with her when I feel like I would like to have sex or if I feel sort of sad and dissatisfied. I wouldn't say that I feel dissatisfied with her or our relationship, not in the least, I love her so much. I am more disappointed in the way she treats me for having sexual feelings. I feel like she sees physical intimacy as barbaric and is very judgmental towards me when I am aroused. She gets very defensive and disrespectful when I try to talk with her about sex. She accuses me of only caring about sex, and treats me like I am a stranger. There seems to be a disconnect, I have always thought of physical intimacy as an extension of emotional intimacy. Hannah is a victim of sexual assault, as am I, though I have disassociated what physically happened to me and sexual intimacy with a loving romantic partner. What is even more puzzling to me, is that when I am trying my best and being as sensitive as possible with her she will flirt with me, come on to me, and proposition me for sex. It just seems a little unfair. She is completely and solely in charge of our sex life. I can't flirt or touch her without negative results. I'm frustrated and sad I'm not sure what to do. I love her, I don't want her to think that all I care about is sex, but I would like there to be safe communication lines for me to express how I feel. I never automatically expect to have sex with her. I have tried broaching the subject from so many different angles all with negative results. I am trying so hard to be understanding and sensitive. I just can't seem to make her happy.

[Yuli]

If you truly love her then you have to accept her for who she is without trying to change her and that means that you will have to first ask her for permission to talk about sex. Since she is not comfortable talking about it that means that she would probably like more notice before such conversations start and you have to reassure her that you are not talking to her about sex to arouse her and to manipulate her into bed, you have to let her know that you just want to communicate better.

[PeterDave]

Hello, Welcome to aven, and have some cake:

Goodness, I can sympathize with you. My girlfriend (it will be two years next week) has essentially no sex drive at all, and often is uncomfortable with even cuddling and hugging. I've essentially decided that to be on the safe side, I will never initiate anything but a kiss on the cheek/forehead and a light hug. If she seems comfortable with it I will go so far as to kiss her on the lips for a second or so, but anything more intimate than that has to be entirely her initiative, for fear of making her feel uncomfortable or 'squirmy'. (Though I would point out a difference in that my girlfriend doesn't get mad at me for wanting to talk about it, but instead either just looks visibly uncomfortable or finds it entirely dis-interesting and pointless conversation)

Communication is exceedingly important, but as you well know is far easier said than done. One of my favorite things about AVEN is that it gives you a place to ask about how to approach these conversations, and is a very safe space to make sure that what you plan on saying isn't going to come off as offensive, selfish, or disrespectful. I frequently spend time on the forums before I have a "big talk" with my girlfriend, either asking a question or just reading similar ones from the rest of the community.

As far as Yuli said, I can agree that 99% of the positive, constructive conversations we have had about sex have started with me saying essentially this sentence, or even texting it to her before we see each other: "Hey, can we talk about something later in a serious, boring, non-sexy way? It's important to me." Yeah, you can tell that It's even awkward for me to say 'can we talk about sex (etc)". It's still not easy.

[Chardog]

Even though you have been able to associate sex with a loving relationship, she is obviously still traumatized on some level for her previous abuse. It is likely that she is only comfortable when she is in control of the sexual situation. I don't know what kind of help she has received, but she could definitely use further professional support it seems. She may never be able to tolerate someone else initiating sex, and that has nothing to do with you personally.

[PeterDave]

^I would be very careful with using the word "Obviously" there. Sure it is a possibility, but if anything with the psyche was 'obvious', psychology would be a much easier field. I can tell you personally that diagnosing someone else's mental or emotional struggles is a very dangerous path to go down. I would not advise it.

That said, there is nothing wrong with looking into professional support, for that or any other problem. It's never bad to talk to someone who knows what they're doing.

[Seeyacea]

Thank you so much for replying!

You've definitely have all offered some insight! I often have a hard time communicating effectively with Hannah. I have always liked to talk about things until I feel better/have a better understanding about how the other person feels. I have never attempted to use conversation as a means to manipulate her into having sex with me, I just would like to understand how she has been feeling a little more. I think she might be in some ways trying to shield me from the way she feels, assuming that it will hurt me.