eched Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 First thing is first. Beat the guy that told you to rape her until his face falls off and then kick him in the balls. Rape is horrible. Nobody has a right to force their sexuality on someone else. People should be smacked around for even thinking such a thing. This is why sex after getting married doesn't work. It encourages people to ignore their sexuality so they don't know how to deal with it in a relationship. You guys didn't talk about sex before hand, well, you're going to have to talk about it now. She's going to have to say what she's ok with and what she's not, and you're going to have to respect her and suggest compromises. This can only work if you truly respect and love one another. Love should never, ever be about consummating a marriage. I know you are stuck in a very backwards area, but look at how much trouble it has already gotten you into! Stop listening to it. Link to post Share on other sites
eched Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Well, if you have that mind set of her being ace would end the marriage then there really isn't much hope. Some ace people are ok with sex, some aren't. It doesn't matter if your wife is ace. It matters how she feels about sex and how you are pressing her for it. If you are suggesting to her that you will likely get divorced if she is ace and you have people telling you to rape her, she's not going to have sex with you. Nobody would want to go along with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Zerο Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Uh yeah, don't rape your wife. If you come from a society where that's considered okay, I'd highly suggest joining a more intellectually developed one and see what options that opens up for you. Link to post Share on other sites
vick Posted April 16, 2014 Author Share Posted April 16, 2014 Gdahv Link to post Share on other sites
Nevyn Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 I agree with Zero and eched, do not force yourself upon her. There is no path that leads anywhere good from there. If both of you are committed to the marriage then some kind of compromise is possible, it may not satisfy each of you fully but successful marriages are made from listening to each other and communicating on issues like this. First, encourage her to explore her asexuality, no one can answer whether or not she is asexual but her. Secondly, you have options. The better each of you understand your spouse's needs the better you'll be equipped to move forward. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Earth Sprite Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Beat the guy that told you to rape her until his face falls off and then kick him in the balls. Rape is horrible. Nobody has a right to force their sexuality on someone else. People should be smacked around for even thinking such a thing. Please, may I give as my modest opinion, that violence is stupid. And this kind of advice above is stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Earth Sprite Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 successful marriages are made from listening to each other and communicating on issues like this. First, encourage her to explore her asexuality, no one can answer whether or not she is asexual but her. Listen to Nevyn & listen your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Zerο Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 1st of all.... I wish to make it clear that I won't be involved in marital rape.... Else I wouldn't be asking for our opinions. All I wish to ask is... What do u people think... Is she ace And is it possible that her orientation changes Honestly, we don't have enough information to even guess if she's ace. All we know is that she's not having sex, the reason for that is needed. You two need to analyze this and identify the root of the matter. Link to post Share on other sites
vick Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 My mind is exploding.... But she's in her office... Working. Do ace people feel less emotionally too. Link to post Share on other sites
editingatwork Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 It sounds like you and your wife are both in a difficult place, so I'll answer as best as I can. Since I don't know your wife's feelings, I can't say how she will feel about compromising (if she tries), or how and whether her feelings about sex might possibly change in the future. My advice, though, would be that you don't expect her feelings to change, because they might not. This may be how she is. (For me, personally, sex just isn't how I make an emotional connection. In my past relationships, I felt close to my partners when we talked, or did activities together, or watched movies and cuddled. The only time I felt disconnected from them was when we had sex, because I knew they were feeling even closer to me and I just felt... present.) If you're asking about the depth of emotion that aces are capable of, I definitely don't think we feel less. :) We feel love, regret, grief, and happiness just as strongly as anyone. Even if an ace doesn't want to be sexually close to their partner, it doesn't mean they can't love their partner just as profoundly. Link to post Share on other sites
Earth Sprite Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 I hate the thought of losing her.... That´s a serious question. You must work that hate become sorrow. That will take only a couple of months, I guess. Then you must work that sorrow become love. And that will take much more, a year, many years, I suppose. Peace for your mind, Easter is coming. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 You definitely deserve something; everyone does. However, sexual activity doesn't have anything to do with what we deserve, because it involves two people. If one of those people doesn't want sex, it's not going to work. You say you were with her for 10 years before your marriage; did you two discuss anything then? That would seem like a long time to not talk about (or find out) what your differences would be regarding sex. Have you tried writing to her? If she doesn't want to talk, perhaps you could tell her specifically how you feel in writing. By "how you feel", I don't mean what you need from her, I mean what you need from any relationship. I.e., physical intimacy, verbal sharing of love, etc. If you explain it that way, it's a statement about what you need, not about what she is not able to do. Link to post Share on other sites
vick Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 I have.... She knows what I like and want both. She never talks.... Just listens and never replies. And 10yrs we were together but mostly long distance... And in my culture.... Still premarital sex is a taboo... Esp for girls... And she used this... And always said that we will do it after marriage. It was only after marriage that she actually was sure that she is asexual Can't blame her... She thought I was crazy... Always thinking of sex. Right now life sucks. Just wish... Somehow this turns out to be a bad dream Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 drankit1612, on 17 Apr 2014 - 2:30 PM, said: Right now life sucks. Just wish... Somehow this turns out to be a bad dream I can understand that. I went through many years thinking if I just tried hard enough, I could begin liking sex. The more years that passed, the worse it seemed to get -- and finally it became a bad dream, because I couldn't do it. I think many of us are living bad dreams, of different types. Every time I read about someone who is finding marriage difficult because they live in a culture that said sex before marriage was not good/sinful, I worry about others in that culture who will be having the same trouble in the future. It's very difficult to go against your culture, but not doing so in this respect can lead to unhappiness. It sounds like you may be the one who will have to make some sort of decision, in order to release yourself from your unhappiness. Link to post Share on other sites
vick Posted April 18, 2014 Author Share Posted April 18, 2014 ds me. Link to post Share on other sites
Raniiyya Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 I do understand how much agony being the sexual partner in a mixed relationship can be. I have no advice to offer and I'm sorry. This is new to me. I'm at a loss. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Another AVEN member on another thread said: "A relationship is not a prison, we are not chained to someone for life, no matter how miserable they make us. Those who reach a workable compromise do so because they find a way for both to be content, even if ideals are not met." Link to post Share on other sites
Earth Sprite Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 I have a feeling, that maybe the real thing here is not the different sexual orientation in mixed relationship, but the real thing is the lack of communication, in any kind of relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
vick Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Sorry but couldn't find a way to delete this thread. Thanks everyone for your help. I know now that divorce is the only answer.... But still trying to absorb that fact Link to post Share on other sites
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