Frustrated

[Raniiyya]

I think my husband is asexual. It's taken a toll on me mentally. I try to be supportive and understanding. The hardest part is that he doesn't think anything is 'wrong'. When I mentioned the term asexual to him he thought I meant hermaphrodite...

I'm so frustrated. I've no one to turn to and I don't think anyone understands...

No matter how much I lurk here or read about it, nothing negates the fact that I'm frustrated, angry, sad...

What should I do...?

[scottsummers]

have you tried having a sit down and a chat with him about it? maybe approach it in a non-accusatory tone, so ther's less chance of conflict, and ask him whats going on etc x

[knout]

His asexuality isn't anything wrong, if that's what it is, it's unfortunate for you maybe but it's not more wrong than someone being straight or gay.

If he doesn't show attraction or interest in you it is nothing that you did wrong, it's just the way he's wired. Blaming yourself won't help him, he will feel guilty and you will feel guilty in return.

Just avoid thinking of it in terms of you being not good enough or him having something wrong.

You can be both absolutely perfect and still he might not feel anything sexual. Discussing it with him is the best idea, instead of using the term asexual you can say "maybe you don't experience sexual attraction".

[potato-chip]

Knout is right - your husband's asexuality ( if indeed that is his true orientation) can't be changed. It is simply a fact that must be accepted.

It sounds like you have reached a point where your and his sexual incompatibility can't be reconciled. That sounds REALLY Tough and I'm so sorry for the pain you're in now.

The only way forward is for you and him to clearly communicate about it, which sounds like is difficult. Is it possible to get help or counselling? It might be hard to find a counsellor who is educated about asexuality, but might help a lot.

Other than that... All you can do is clearly state that you have sexual needs that are not being met in your marriage. Your needs are real and not unfair - they are simply a fact, a core component of you. I do believe they should be expressed and acknowledged.

Somethings to think about:

Does he know about this site? Or the documentary asexual? That might help.

If your husband is unwilling or unable to meet your sexual needs himself, is that a dealbreaker for you?

Can you as a couple explore ways for you to get your needs met (and also his need to not be guilted or pressured into unwanted sexual activity)? For example, through an open relationship?

I am sorry you are hurting.

[Corretto]

Hi Raniiyya,

I agree with Knout and Potato Crisp.

On a complementary course...I recognise the feelings you list; frustration, anger and sadness are signals

of only one state of mind: Depression.

I was seeking the attention of others; family, friends, clinicians and counselors are who you need.

Be honest to yourself and go for it!

[My alias]

I've always found that when I struggle with depression thinking of 2 choices if it is clinical: Get depression meds which can be usuful or talk to somebody. He is your husband you did marry him I don't know why you feel like you can't talk to him.

[Percivel]

Rani, Many of us here know where you are right now. Many still are. The onslaught of feelings and thoughts are extremely emotional and overwhelming...and uncontrollable. My suggestion is learn as much about asexuality as you can (from both asexual and sexual perspectives) and perhaps show him the AVEN site. My wife did not think there was a problem in our marriage for several years.

[Koda]

Telling someone they're asexual before they're ready to hear it doesn't usually go over well. I know you may think he is, but whether or not he actually is is something he needs to decide himself. Calling him asexual might make him extremely uncomfortable, as there is a lot of stigma about asexuals being broken or wrong. Having someone tell you what your orientation is can also be extremely frustrating.

That being said, it doesn't change the fact that your needs aren't getting met, which seems to be what the problem is. It's important that both of you feel comfortable and satisfied in your relationship. It really is something you need to talk to him about. Explain to him how you feel and ask him how he feels about it. Remember to avoid using the word 'you', as it tends to get people defensive. Example 'you aren't intimate enough with me' vs 'I want more intimacy' or 'intimacy is very important to me'.

[Raniiyya]

I had a tough night.

So we talked.

Does anyone have experience with low testosterone? He is about one point off from being low enough to need shots. I am to schedule an appointment to see a doctor about it.

Yes, I've severe depression and I'm heavily medicated for it and for psychosis. I'm not trying to be accusatory but how can being in a relationship with an asexual not trigger it all...? Why do asexuals marry a sexual partner...?

[Percivel]

There are several reasons why the asexual will marry an asexual. My wife knew she didn't like sex but she didn't know about asexuality. She also didn't think her lack of sexual attraction would be a problem in a marriage because she thought lots of people were the same. My wife was also a virgin, by choice, when we married. She also had no idea what sexual attraction and intimacy was and what it meant for sexuals. Like most people, however, she wanted a spouse to share life and grow old with. My wife once told me that she married primarily for companionship. Sex/intimacy was not really even in her thought processes.

Those bad nights can be really tough. The dark thoughts and emotions you experience are real...the feelings of rejection and isolation...thoughts of being unloved and unwanted...self loathing...anger...feeling crappy about yourself and your husband. Many of us have felt those things and have dark nights.

What is not real, however, is that all is lost. That you are doomed. All is not lost and you are not doomed. Things can work out well if you decide to stay with your husband...or if you decide to separate. You have options that can give you a very happy life.

Communicate why to your husband...but in a non-threatening way. Show him AVEN.

[Philip027]

Does anyone have experience with low testosterone? He is about one point off from being low enough to need shots. I am to schedule an appointment to see a doctor about it.

Yep. I'm on a monthly shot. However, it should probably be noted that I was a nonlibidoist ace before I was on this treatment, I agreed to start with the treatment for completely non-sexual reasons, and I'm still very much a nonlibidoist ace and relieved that I didn't change because I had been told and warned from several sources before that I probably would change. But nope, nothing has changed for me in that regard.

Why do asexuals marry a sexual partner...?

The same reason (hopefully...) that anyone else would marry someone. Because they love the other person.

Obviously there can be some other reasons too, but I would still hope that most of them revolve at least somewhat around that general idea.

[Guest]

Yes, I've severe depression and I'm heavily medicated for it and for psychosis. I'm not trying to be accusatory but how can being in a relationship with an asexual not trigger it all...? Why do asexuals marry a sexual partner...?

Asexuals marry a sexual partner because we love them, same as why anyone marries. And if the person is not aware they are asexual, or think they just need to find out how they like sex, etc then it's impossible to talk about it to a partner beforehand. If it's known about, most of us recommend the asexual discussing it before a relationship gets serious. If you are not happy with your spouse though, leaving is a perfectly valid option. Some sexual/asexual relationships work, some do not. It depends on the people. :) It's an incompatibility and it's OK if that is a deal breaker.

[dakdoc]

The experience of love is not necessarily different for a sexual person versus an asexual person. It is the sexual element that is different. Of course, there is much diversity in the experience of the asexual spectrum. In my own experience it is difficult being an asexual person in relationship with a sexual person and being perceived as not loving that person based on the lack of sexual interest. Be very mindful of how you language the concerns you have, recognizing that placing blame creates distance and puts people on the defensive. Your husband will also need to find the language to communicate what he is experiencing as he may not have the words to explain his own experience at this point. Since you are exploring this site, you are probably further down the road of awareness and therefore may need to really take the initiative to help him feel secure and safe enough to explore his own experience with you as well. Extending an olive branch was very helpful for me. Perhaps reconnecting with the love that brought the two of you together can help dispel some of the anger that is present so that both of you are able to have a good conversation about this. I also think that ultimately it will be important for your husband to discuss this with someone and explore asexuality as well. Certainly willing to help in any way that I can.

[I'd rather be in band.]

There's nothing wrong with being asexual. Also, don't feel sad. It's not your fault. If he's asexual, he doesn't have sexual attraction towards anyone, so it isn't something you did. Maybe you should talk to him explain asexuality to him. If he's asexual, it might relieve some stress to know that he isn't sick. Before I knew what asexuality was, I thought that I was sick and it made me feel like an outcast. It might help for you to have a discussion with him.

[Down in Texas]

I had a tough night.

So we talked.

Does anyone have experience with low testosterone? He is about one point off from being low enough to need shots. I am to schedule an appointment to see a doctor about it.

You ask if anyone had experience with Low T. This is only from personal experience... I have been married for over 40 years now and there were signs right from the start but I was too young and too inexperienced to know any better at the time. We were both virgins when we married. You can find my story if you look under my user name. We discovered his low T problems about 15 years into our marriage. I am now speaking of our journey after all the years of dealing with his Low T. This is only my experience and I am in no way a Doctor.

After almost 15 years of marriage we discovered that my husband had very low T levels. My initial thought was “finally we have the answer! Now things can be fixed”. This was before I knew anything about Asexuality. His levels were below 200 and after years of trying all different kinds of treatment his levels remained in the mid to upper 200's. He was first put on a patch that was to work for two weeks but he sweated too much and they fell off and it embarrassed him when they would fall out at work… So he stopped using them. Next he was put on a pill it only raised his levels slightly. He was then put on infections and at first he was given 2cc's every three weeks. Then they tried moving it to 2cc's every two weeks. Then we went to 3cc's every two weeks. However after a while he got to where he didn’t want to take the shots and I got tired of having to remind him it was time to take them. I gave him his shots. Truth was I couldn’t see any difference in giving them to him as far as them changing his sexual desire. I got to a frustration level of what good is it doing to fuss over him taking them if they are not working any way. He is now on a gel it seems to work better than any of the other choices we have tried, it keeps his levels at a steady level and there is not the flocculation that was present with the shots. With the shots there were too may peaks and valleys. The gel has his level at 377 which is the highest it has ever been.

With all that said he also has ED and has been given all forms of ED meds to help him obtain and maintain an erection. But none of them work either. The brain is the most important part of sexual desire. There is no way to change what is as far as a person’s level of sexual desire. I believe it is genetic dispositions that cannot be "fixed" you are either asexual or sexual and neither can nor should be changed.

I talked to my GYN years ago to no avail. At one point in the past I had ask him if there were any test that would tell me if my husband was gay (this was before I learned about Asexuality). It was not until last year that he had read an article on Asexuality in his medical news updates. Now after him having read the article he understood what I was saying and we spoke for a while and he said that it sounded to him as if he were asexual. He also said that after being on the doses of hormone that he was given that his levels should have been higher. My GYN told me that he needs to be seen by and Endocrinologist. That there was something in his body that was blocking the absorption of his testosterone or that was destroying it before it could be absorption. He said it did not matter how much he took his body would destroy it. So another suggestion is that you bring in an Endocrinologist.

I tell you this only as my personal knowledge that getting his levels up most likely will not help him be more sexually engaged. You need to ask your Doctor but ours said that his body needed the hormones for other functions that included muscle tone (including heart muscle), bone strength and it has a greatly changed his mood, he is much calmer. Please discuss the factors that will be influenced by him starting on Testosterone. I also strongly suggest after being with someone that has been on many different forms of treatment that you discuss the gel with your Dr. It is easier than shots and for us it keeps his levels at a constant level versus the fluxion that we had with the shots. The cost is about the same for us, we do have insurance.

[Raniiyya]

I'm in agony and I feel superficial because I've everything I need from him except the sex.

Has anyone divorced over this 'problem'?

Every night I watch him sleep and I feel either completely apathetic or so many negative emotions that I wish I could just end it all.

I don't know if I'll ever be happy with him and I don't know if I should take the chance and find someone else. Frankly I'm 29 years old and not only am I Muslim, I'm trapped in a culture where being divorced makes you used goods; unworthy...

I feel like no one understands. Not even the people here.

I'm sure my depression stems from a combination of things but I feel that his asexuality exacerbates it. And yet I don't think I can 'make it' on my own.

I've a psyche appointment tomorrow. I'm desperate for help. I feel so trapped.

I appreciate the support though--honestly I do. I've been spurned from several forums before because of my pleas...they seem so superficial after a while I guess. And there's only so much that an online community can do.

But every day I really do suffer. And I understand if people get annoyed, detached, apathetic toward it.

Where do you seek support from besides here?

I'm sorry.

I had a tough night.

So we talked.

Does anyone have experience with low testosterone? He is about one point off from being low enough to need shots. I am to schedule an appointment to see a doctor about it.

You ask if anyone had experience with Low T. This is only from personal experience... I have been married for over 40 years now and there were signs right from the start but I was too young and too inexperienced to know any better at the time. We were both virgins when we married. You can find my story if you look under my user name. We discovered his low T problems about 15 years into our marriage. I am now speaking of our journey after all the years of dealing with his Low T. This is only my experience and I am in no way a Doctor.

After almost 15 years of marriage we discovered that my husband had very low T levels. My initial thought was finally we have the answer! Now things can be fixed. This was before I knew anything about Asexuality. His levels were below 200 and after years of trying all different kinds of treatment his levels remained in the mid to upper 200's. He was first put on a patch that was to work for two weeks but he sweated too much and they fell off and it embarrassed him when they would fall out at work So he stopped using them. Next he was put on a pill it only raised his levels slightly. He was then put on infections and at first he was given 2cc's every three weeks. Then they tried moving it to 2cc's every two weeks. Then we went to 3cc's every two weeks. However after a while he got to where he didnt want to take the shots and I got tired of having to remind him it was time to take them. I gave him his shots. Truth was I couldnt see any difference in giving them to him as far as them changing his sexual desire. I got to a frustration level of what good is it doing to fuss over him taking them if they are not working any way. He is now on a gel it seems to work better than any of the other choices we have tried, it keeps his levels at a steady level and there is not the flocculation that was present with the shots. With the shots there were too may peaks and valleys. The gel has his level at 377 which is the highest it has ever been.

With all that said he also has ED and has been given all forms of ED meds to help him obtain and maintain an erection. But none of them work either. The brain is the most important part of sexual desire. There is no way to change what is as far as a persons level of sexual desire. I believe it is genetic dispositions that cannot be "fixed" you are either asexual or sexual and neither can nor should be changed.

I talked to my GYN years ago to no avail. At one point in the past I had ask him if there were any test that would tell me if my husband was gay (this was before I learned about Asexuality). It was not until last year that he had read an article on Asexuality in his medical news updates. Now after him having read the article he understood what I was saying and we spoke for a while and he said that it sounded to him as if he were asexual. He also said that after being on the doses of hormone that he was given that his levels should have been higher. My GYN told me that he needs to be seen by and Endocrinologist. That there was something in his body that was blocking the absorption of his testosterone or that was destroying it before it could be absorption. He said it did not matter how much he took his body would destroy it. So another suggestion is that you bring in an Endocrinologist.

I tell you this only as my personal knowledge that getting his levels up most likely will not help him be more sexually engaged. You need to ask your Doctor but ours said that his body needed the hormones for other functions that included muscle tone (including heart muscle), bone strength and it has a greatly changed his mood, he is much calmer. Please discuss the factors that will be influenced by him starting on Testosterone. I also strongly suggest after being with someone that has been on many different forms of treatment that you discuss the gel with your Dr. It is easier than shots and for us it keeps his levels at a constant level versus the fluxion that we had with the shots. The cost is about the same for us, we do have insurance.

Thank you for this. I don't expect testosterone to help us either...

I have talked to him. I am honest.

So is he. At least to the point of his understanding. He thinks that doing other things like being successful, making money, taking care of our parents and our family, being driven, powerful etc etc makes up for the lack of sex...

Does it?

I've often wondered if he is gay as well...but he isn't.

[vick]

Hi

It is now an year to my marriage and I have the same issues as you do.

I to an confused about what to do.

Though divorce is the only option that seems sane.... It is very difficult.

Please read my story under divorce or not and I do understand what you are going through.

[Guest]

Some people have split over the sexual incompatibility. There is no shame in it, if a marriage makes you miserable, you shouldn't have to stay in it. Have you discussed anything with a spiritual leader of you faith? I know some religions, such as the catholic one, sees lack of sex as a legitimate reason to divorce, even though they don't support divorce in most cases. I am unsure on the Muslim ideas of what makes a legitimate reason for separating, but you could perhaps get some counsel on that from someone within your religion?

It's not shallow or superficial or anything else to need sex. It's just who you are. And it's not bad to not need sex, it's just how some of us are. Incompatibilities are painful, but I wish you luck in figuring this one out for your marriage (whether that means separating, or staying).