Cheating?

[averylongwalk]

I've never understood why people get so upset about cheating in a relationship. So I wanted to see what some of your views are.

A little backstory, I've never been jealous of a partner (committed or otherwise), I've never cheat but I have been cheated on twice.

I don't see cheating as being bad (or good for that matter), to me it just is. I never understood why non-romantic or non-sexual acts constitutes abrupt emotional upheaval; although if the acts coincide I'd be more skeptical as to why we are in a relationship. I understand the value in monogamous relationships and I get why others get jealous (usually out of fear, guilt or shame) but why should something like cheating be so damaging to a relationship? The quote "No one can make you feel inferior with your consent." comes to mind, why should that not apply to unions? It would only make things worse if you let it. I guess I'm missing something since it's a pretty large consensus that cheating is bad.

I mean, to me the things that usually accompany those acts are more worrisome: deception and malicious intent. If I slept with or started having romantic feelings for someone else (while in a relationship) I would immediately tell my gf/bf; I would expect that same courtesy; but otherwise why should it be such a huge problem if it's handled in a mature way?

[NotReallyIntoThat]

I can't say for certain, but I think the origin of the traditional feeling towards cheating come from a sense of ego. Like, "You slept with him because I can't satisfy your needs so that makes me inferior to this other person". I think it all tracks down to sexual desires being the basis of the relationships of most sexual people. If one partner cheats and sleeps with an outside party, that must mean the other partner wasn't macho enough to provide, so partner 1 had to seek out other means leaving partner 2 feeling like a lesser person.

It's hard for me to explain, but it's kind of like an animal instinct. Like competing for a mate I guess? And the better person is the one who wins over.

Long story short sexual relationships are just very confusing and have too many weird rules no thank

[IceHurricane]

I think if the person told their partner they cheated on them rather than the partner finding out themselves, things wouldn't be that bad but in my opinion, cheating on your partner and hiding it destroys the trust you once had. Cheating, to me, is like a betrayal, and it shows you're not 100% committed to the relationship. I think it has something to do with loyalty too. If you're loyal to your partner, then you shouldn't need anyone else. Once you cheat on someone, that trust is gone, and who knows how many people your partner might be with if you're gone for a long period of time? If it happened once, who's to say it won't happen again? If you kept that from them, who knows what else you can be hiding? You should have self control, and if your partner isn't giving you everything you need, you need to tell them, not go behind their back and do whatever. I think it all comes down to trust and communication. You shouldn't have to cheat if you're satisfied in the relationship you're in & have good communication. If you're not getting all the satisfaction if your relationship, then break it off, don't go behind their back. That's just mean, and it may also make your partner feel like they're not good enough. Again, this is just my opinion, and I'm really sorry if I offended anyone in any way.

[potato-chip]

I have been cheated on, and it was very upsetting. It wasn't so much the sex act itself per se, but all the lying that went on with it. Indeed, I felt sorry for the Other Woman too - my ex led her to believe he was single! He had a whole secret life, an entite relationship with another person and her family, while living with me and being part of my family. He lied every day, several times a day about substantial things. When it all came out, I felt like, who IS THIS PERSON? Do I even know him? His affair partner didn't know either!

A parallel thought exercise might be, Imagine if you discovered a friend who lied about their job, education, everything. Of course the stakes are higher when you have joint finances and maybe kids to take care of.

Now, the kind of cheating where maybe your partner gets drunk in a bar and maybe has sex, then regrets it? I have been there tooo and I didn't care so much. The behaviour was out of character, one time only, and reported immediately. It is not like I didn't care at all, but I could forgive.

[Guest]

Hi there ^_^

My partner and I (both ace) set out the ground rules for what we both consider cheating, at the out-set of our relationship. We also made it clear to each other that we desire complete monogamy, for life, or no relationship at all.

[Satin]

Cheating is bad because it breaks the trust you put into another person. If you're fine with your SO not being solely sexually and romantically active with you then it's cool and cheating shouldn't be an issue. But if your partner oversteps whatever border you can accept then this just hurts. I don't think it matters what you define as cheating as long as your partner agrees with this.

My partner and I (both ace) set out the ground rules for what we both consider cheating, at the out-set of our relationship. We made it clear to each other that we desire complete monogamy, for life, or no relationship at all.

That's a very healthy attitude. As long as both parties talk to each other about what they can tolerate and what goes too far there shouldn't be any misunderstandings. I'm afraid many people never speak out their minds and rather than telling their partner they start to have feelings for someone else etc., they cheat on their partner and construct some network of lies. This is what hurts people most, I think.

[Zash]

Yeah, it is the breach of trust that would bother me in a (hypothetical) relationship. I personally wouldn't care if my partner is having sex with other people, as long as it wasn't done sneakily. A theoretical exchange:

"Where you off to?"

"Going to bang the neighbours."

"Have fun!"

That would be fine with me, as long as all the proper safety steps are taken.

[asexynerdygal]

some people are fine with poly or open relationships.. I am not one of them and for me once things get serious it's monogamy or nothing

[Guest]

In my 20's I was in open and polyamorous relationships. By the time 29/30 rolled around I felt disgusted with my lifestyle and how I was living. Reacting and rebelling from my Catholic upbringing however it wasn't conservative or oppressive but liberal and open minded. I was just acting and being who I was at that time in my life. I was wounded deeply and many of my relationships in my 20's reflected that. Not being committed and running from life and my problems also reflected my lifestyle, not so good and unhealthy relationships. So I never categorized what my lovers or boyfriends did with other partners was cheating. They could have fun as long as I was okay with it. I was having fun and wasn't hurt, so I say. Deep down I was buried in massive pain. What I wanted was true love. A true monogomous relationship. Right around turning 30 I walked away from my old ways. True, real, deep, meaningful and monogomous relationship is what I am seeking now in my early 30's. As I've healed and my life is more solid and grounded so is my desire for a solid and real love relationship. Cheating on me these days would be unacceptable.

[Vampyremage]

Its not about the act itself, necessarily, its about the lack of honesty. Its the lying, betrayal and dishonesty of a person who's supposed to love you that cause the issues. My husband and I are in a non-monogamous relationship and we have ground rules that include the fact that either one of us is free to have sex with others so long as we're honest with each other and have the approval of the other regarding choice of partners (and safe sex). Thus, my husband having sex with someone who isn't me isn't cheating regardless of traditional definitions. However, if my husband were to have sex with someone and then hide it that would be cheating and completely unacceptable. The act of having sex with another person might have been the same, but its the lack of honesty that changes it from acceptable act to act of cheating.

[Zerο]

Cheating is a betrayal of another's trust, the latter of which is implicit in a monogamous relationship.

[Guest]

Cheating is a betrayal of trust, lying, going behind your partners back and deceitful. If you agree to be monogamous, then cheat, you showed you cannot be trusted. Trust is vital in a relationship. It's not so much the act of sex/kissing or whatever happened. It's the fact most people who are cheated on cannot ever trust that partner again. And beyond that, if they cheat and DON'T TELL YOU - they are putting YOUR health at risk - what if they got HIV or any other sexually transmitted disease from their other partners? I certainly would not want to find out my partner was cheating by being told by my doctor that I had herpes, or syphilis, or whatever. Or when the guys other woman comes around because he got her pregnant. There are too many risks associated with multiple sex partners for everyone to not be in the know about what is going on.

I am monogamous, so I would not be willing to be in an open or poly relationship. But, if my partner comes to me and tells me they are interested in someone else rather than acting on it behind my back, I would be willing to part as friends. If they go behind my back, they can go away and never talk to me again. I want people I can trust in my life.

IF the relationship is one where there is consent to seek outside partners, it isn't cheating, so there is nothing wrong with that. :)

[Guest]

Amen Serran!!

[excaliburn]

I've been cheated on before. He didn't tell me her was cheating, I had to see pictures and posts on Facebook to find out about it. The weird thing was that I wasn't mad or hurt or anything, I just kinda figured it is what it is. We just broke up after that but not even because he cheated, just because we realized we weren't right together and figured it was best to go our seperate ways. So I do see where you are coming from, Cowsunite. Truthfully, I don't think it's necessarily the cheating that ruins the relationship, but perhaps the realization that two people just aren't right for eachother. If you're in an open or poly relationship with someone, then it is different.

[TheBioNerd]

I totally agree with everyone on here about trust an whatnot, but it seems like there aren't many of you who think the sex act itself would be a huge part of the problem and that really caught me off guard. When I'm in love with someone, the thought of someone else putting their hands on them makes me sick. I just guess I'm a little surprised about the number of people on here who are totally okay with other people pleasing their partners. I'm not knocking it since it seems to totally work for some people, but I'm personally having a lot of trouble understanding it. To me, if my partner cheated on me and then told me about it right away, I don't really care how sorry they are. I'm still gonna be absolutely devastated and I won't be able to look at them the same way. For me, cheating - even if they didn't see it such because we didn't set ground rules - would completely kill the relationship. Since I haven't been in a relationship, something might change for me in the future, but I honestly don't think that could ever change for me.

[asexynerdygal]

there's no question it totally kills the relationship, I was with a man that was a serial cheater, as was his father --so I guess this is what he learned that "men" do.. he didn't see anything wrong with it and didn't understand why I was devastated when I found out... though on my side I wasn't allowed to talk to any man he didn't know... once things get serious it's monogamy or the door

[Vampyremage]

I think some people are wired for monogomy and some are wired for non-monogomy. While sex can be an act of love, for me it doesn't have to be. Even if it were always an act if love, I also identify as polyamerous. I take joy in knowing that my partner is engaging in things that bring him pleasure and I take comfort in the knowledge that no matter what pleasure he finds with others he will always come back to me. Compersion is a beautiful thing.

[asexynerdygal]

I've known lots of poly people (seems to be big in the pagan community, of which I am a part.. an anomaly but a part :D ) that are quite happy ... it's not my thing

[TheBioNerd]

I think some people are wired for monogomy and some are wired for non-monogomy. While sex can be an act of love, for me it doesn't have to be. Even if it were always an act if love, I also identify as polyamerous. I take joy in knowing that my partner is engaging in things that bring him pleasure and I take comfort in the knowledge that no matter what pleasure he finds with others he will always come back to me. Compersion is a beautiful thing.

There's something about what you said that makes complete sense to me, yet none at all. It all boils down to your first sentence, that some people are wired for monogamy and some aren't. I'm literally (and somewhat unfortunately) the most monogamous person I know. Hell, I get jealous when my love interest is holding hands with friends or innocently dancing with someone else. A part of me wishes I could be more like you, just because I know it would be easier for me and I'd be in a lot less pain half the time. At the end of the day, I'll just be happy if I'll miraculously be able to find someone I'm compatible with through all this.