Jump to content

Dealing with a potentially non-accepting parent?


Cammycar

Recommended Posts

So about a week ago I realized that I'm an asexual heteroromantic. Honestly, I've known what I am for a while, but I thought it was common; from my perspective, I was shocked to find out that having a libido didn't make you a sex-crazed animal. So, my stepbrother and a good friend of mine both experience intense sexual attraction, and after being the curious girl I am and inquiring about how it felt to be sexual, I told both of them that I am asexual. They were more than okay with it, which is what I expected from them. I am also hoping that most of my close friends will at least not think I am a freak if I tell them as well.

Here's the biggest obstacle though: my mother is sexual. And it's not just that she wants to have sex with her husband. She believes it's absolutely crucial to any marriage. I remember her telling me that a large component was missing from her first marriage to my father, which was that he never wanted sex with her. She warned me against marrying anyone who didn't desire to have sex with me, because that meant he either wasn't committed enough or that he wasn't attracted to me whatsoever. That doesn't help me feel more confident about finding someone who will respect my asexuality. It's caused me to worry about my future as a wife and a parent, and if I'll ever have the opportunity to be either of those. As you can see, I'm nervous about revealing my sexuality--or lack thereof--to her. I'm afraid that she's going to tell me that how I feel is wrong and I'm just being a pessimist because I've never experienced true love, or even worse, blame it on the way my father treated me when I lived with him (he was verbally abusive and had severe anger issues). But it has nothing to do with how I was raised, I know it. I feel like she'd be more accepting if I was, say, a sexual lesbian instead, but this is how I am.

How do I tell my mother that I'm asexual? What if she doesn't take my 'coming out' well? How can I help her to understand that it's not a choice I made and I can't change how I feel?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Why do you feel that you need to tell her? Especially since it sounds like you can predict what she will say, and you won't like it. As far as trying to convince someone to think differently from how they already think, it doesn't work well. Especially with parents.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TheNaughtyNeutrois

My mother was under the impression both partners have to orgasm during sex otherwise sex is pointless. But nowadays, it is actually somewhat deemed acceptable if you cannot orgasm during sex. I was under a ridiculous amount of pressure, which involved me breaking down crying at work because my partner was under the impression I didn't love her because I could not orgasm and my parents were acting like there's something wrong with me or I was being silly for crying over it.

A month ago, I tried to tell my mum I don't desire sex (my version of saying I'm asexual), she acted horrified and said that maybe I hadn't had sex with the right person yet. I couldn't facepalm hard enough. I've had sex with numerous people, I felt no sexual attraction or arousal to any of them or the sexual acts except for a one-night-stand experience but even then, I was sexually aroused from being treated like an object, not the person.

I've stopped telling my mother about my sexual orientation (or lack there of), it's none of her business anyway. All she will do is criticize, judge me or act like I'm a freak for not being her standards of "normal" which is being heterosexual and vanilla.

My opinion? Let your mom believes whatever she likes to believe. In the end, it's your life, she can't tell you how to live it, who to love and who to not to love. She will eventually learn that you're your own person and will realize no amount of nagging on her end will change who you are.

Link to post
Share on other sites
romantic-woman

I am out as an ace, i don't have problem with it and i told to my mum first and she was a little sad cause she wants me to have a husband and children and she would like to be grandmother. I am opposed to it so finally she is ok with that. My dad doesn't accept how i am and he keeps pressing me, telling me that other girls are more intelligent and better cause they are able to have sex with men and finally have husbands. Everyday he compares me with other girls and try to make me feel lower cause of ONLY the lack of sex in my life. Well i am who i am , i don't accept anyone to press me , especially in my own life, if i don't bother anyone , it is not their choice.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not telling my mum cos i know she won't take it well. I figure after many many years of me being really happy alone she'll realise I'm happiest this way. Similarly she doesnt necessarily need to know what you and any potential partners are or aren't doing

Link to post
Share on other sites
Honey_Badger

When I told my parents, my mom freaked out a bit. (I don't actually know how my dad took it, as he's extremely good at ducking conflict.) It took most of a year for her to come around and realize that I wasn't missing out on anything and that it wasn't because of my mental health or anything else, though she's still against me being out because "it will just make people cause problems for you." (Too bad, 80% of the people I associate with at school know. Except for like two people, they've been lovely.)

Some parents do come around... in fact, I think pretty much all the ones who are willing to try and see your side will come around eventually. That said, if you feel like your parents will react by trying to push you into things you don't want, don't tell them just yet.

Link to post
Share on other sites

First of all, ask yourself this, do you think you'd endanger your personal safety if you told your parents? If you believe you could possibly endanger yourself in any way, do. not. tell. This is crucial when wanting to tell others of your orientation, whatever it may be.

Second of all, it's no one's business who you have sex with and who you don't have sex with, besides you and your potential partner. It's a very invasive question to your personal life. The concept of virginity to me is mind boggling because you have physical intercourse vs tantric (spiritual) sex, so there's that obstacle you often have to fight :/

If you don't feel comfortable telling your folks, I wouldn't bother. Your safety is vital. If you think you risk loosing your relationship with your parents, you risk being kicked out, or some other horrible consequence, do. not. tell.

Link to post
Share on other sites
wildphoenix1984

I'm with the others here, if she'd react badly, it's none of her business anyway. You are who you are.

As an asexual who'd actually quite like kids someday, let me add. If you want them, there are ways, even if you adopt. So you don't have to feel your life is "incomplete" in some way just because you're asexual. We are who we are :) Things have a habit of working out, don't worry about them. Enjoy life, knowing yourself a little better now :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
wildphoenix1984

I'm with the others here, if she'd react badly, it's none of her business anyway. You are who you are.

As an asexual who'd actually quite like kids someday, let me add. If you want them, there are ways, even if you adopt. So you don't have to feel your life is "incomplete" in some way just because you're asexual. We are who we are :) Things have a habit of working out, don't worry about them. Enjoy life, knowing yourself a little better now :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I kind of understand you, I wanted to tell about my sexual orientation (or lack there of) to my mom, so I decided to talk to her first about asexuality and then about me being gray-ace but when I told her in a cultural, cientific, logical and even maybe in a comedian way her only comment was "Asexuality doesn´t exist"... So I agree with the others, the only reason for you to tell someone (in this case your parent) it is when you think you are ready to tell it, not for the understanding but because you want to tell it, for you no more no less...

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'd rather be in band.

If you feel that it would cause a rift of sorts between you two, maybe you should hold off on telling her for a little while. If you think that you can resolve it, I feel that you should just try to explain it in a way that she will understand. I was lucky to have a mother that understood, - even if she was skeptical - so my opinion may not mean very much, but either way, I hope that you can sort this out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

if she every specifically asked you about it then I wouod just tell her. you don't want to lie about it, that's not a healthy thing to do but as it is right now I wouldnt bring it up unless you felt compelled to.

Link to post
Share on other sites
AWhiteGyrfalcon

Hi!!

I can so relate to you and what you have experienced.

Funnily enough like you I am hetero grey romantic ACE - and my sister and 2 friends - one male, one female have accepted without question my "come out" to them as who and what I am - see above lol.

I don't have any answers for you unfortunately, but I definitely relate and emphasise with you - as I experience the same thing. I'm 30 and only discovered I was asexual 2 years ago - but my loved ones and I, always were aware I was different - ie mental health problems, pretty much only been on a few dates, one serious boyfriend...I think by 30 I know who I am and have accepted who i am, but nobody else has, except the above mentioned people.

But everyone else from my parents, to best friend and even the people in my support group (I suffer anxiety and depression) either don't understand me, when I say i identify as asexual (despite the fact I have sent them links to websites etc ), or reject it. I too have been brought up around peers and family that agree that a sexual relationship and a "full" marriage is what you need in life. If you live a single or celibate life that there is something wrong with you and you will turn out "funny" or the "weird old cat lady" type of myth.

Albeit I am quite happy to be a single old maid, old cat lady or in a loving asexual partnership/marriage - but in the face of all the resistance I find I totally understand everybody who struggles for acceptance and understanding in their lives - from those who struggle with sexuality, creed, race, gender etc. Its hard enough accepting you are different and are on a different road to the status quo, let alone battling your family telling you "No you aren't asexual, you can't be, because you've never had sex..". Well, I don't want to have sex, have no interest, unless a partner of mine was keen to try it, I'm happy never having sex.

I guess i second how does one get around it? Do you just let it lie? accept that your loved ones just won't and don't understand and leave it as a 'we disagree' situation? Its tricky that's for sure.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...