feeling guilty

[awkwardd]

I'm not really sure what I am, I've never been sexually attracted to anyone, I find men attractive but never had the desire to have sex. I always thought maybe something was wrong with me and had never even heard of asexuality until earlier this year.

I wish I had known about if before, I'm married to a sexual...

after I found out that I'm probably asexual I tried to explain it to him but he doesn't understand.

he says that I'm probably just a lesbian...which kinda hurts that he won't accept it.

he's a great guy who never pressures me to have sex but I feel so guilty. I have tried compromise but during I just feel like crying and usually do cry which makes him feel terrible. I love him and I feel selfish because I don't want to lose him, but I hate not giving him what he wants and needs.

I've tried giving him permission to go out and have sex with someone else but he thinks I'm joking and still refuses to accept that I'm just not a sexual person.

[eched]

If you are crying while having sex and you still feel like you need to compromise, then he is pressuring you. Maybe not on purpose, but it's not healthy, at all. And his response to your feelings are also not very good.

I would really put your foot down about how you feel. Crying over partner sex is not supposed to be what love is.

[averylongwalk]

I'd say selfish is the proper way to feel.

I mean you're married, so either;

1. You two dated long enough to know you're not sexually compatible and completely ignored it, which suggests you're both selfish.

or

2. You both hastily married each other and recently found it difficult to achieve sexual intimacy, which makes it selfish and irrational.

It's normal to want to be with some, apparently, but being with someone you can't connect with isn't helping either of you.

Be with someone that makes you happy because being with someone doesn't always make you happy.

[Sally]

You're not selfish. You just didn't know what was really going on with you before you got married. Many of us were/are in the same situation.

That's a very difficult position to be in. All I can suggest is that you keep telling him that you are not a lesbian, and you don't know how you can continue to try to compromise, and that if he has any respect for you, he needs to believe you. Then both of you need to be honest about what comes next.

[eched]

She wasn't being selfish. She didn't know she was ace and didn't know her limits. I've made the exact same mistake. It's pretty understandable.

[asexynerdygal]

I don't think it's selfish, learning about oneself is a process.... I got married as a virgin at 24, I hated sex but I figured the more I did it I'd learn to like it.. I mean really who doesn't like sex :D .. I would never do it again .. now I know

[awkwardd]

I'd say selfish is the proper way to feel.

I mean you're married, so either;

1. You two dated long enough to know you're not sexually compatible and completely ignored it, which suggests you're both selfish.

or

2. You both hastily married each other and recently found it difficult to achieve sexual intimacy, which makes it selfish and irrational.

It's normal to want to be with some, apparently, but being with someone you can't connect with isn't helping either of you.

Be with someone that makes you happy because being with someone doesn't always make you happy.

I don't think it was necessary to be that rude about it. I was simply looking for some advice.

1: sure we dated, but I was a virgin and had never heard of asexuality and I thought how I felt about sex was a normal thing. then after I lost it I figured it was supposed to hurt for awhile and that's why I wasn't interested in it.

it was until recently that I learned what asexuality was.

2: we didn't hastily marry each other, just thought that it would get better in time.

[SchrodingersCat]

It's not selfish to be asexual. It's not selfish to not know about something until you've heard of it somewhere. And encouraging your partner to meet their sexual needs with someone else is very considerate and unselfish.

There's a lot of pressure to have sex, so people are going to do it because they think they're supposed. If they don't like it they're going to assume it's something wrong with them. Asexuality isn't really talked about, and many sexuals can't imagine that it's even possible. So your husband being unable to understand it isn't really surprising; it's something he's never heard of before either. That doesn't make it helpful for him to call you a lesbian, though.

I would suggest showing him this site so that he can see there are other people like you, that it's nothing personal (i.e. "not just him" which might be what he's really worried about), that you're not attracted to women either and therefore not a lesbian.

If you really are ok with him having sex with other people, there are some books about that too. The Ethical Slut is one.

[littlepersonparadox]

Don't feel bad. First off totally not selfish. It took me almost 2 years after finding this site to be sure I was asexual. I'm 100% sure I would have wound up in a similar situation (probably with just a boyfriend but still) had I not found out about asexuality before collage. I remember being in high school and watching porn a few times trying to force myself to feel that attraction feeling that never came. I did that for a while and suffice to say I felt cruddy afterwords. So I get the idea of how you must be feeling. Like a lot of the other asexuals on this site. I find I'm also less and less interested with sex as I let myself actually just feel instead of trying to force myself into trying to feel things that just aren't there. As a result I'm a lot happier.

I hope things get better soon and leaving him if you have to might be something to consider. Talk to him more show him this site ect. There can be some good found from trying. Just know that if you do divorce him, there isn't any shame in it. Lots of relationships don't work out and in this case it really isn't your fault.

[averylongwalk]

I'd say selfish is the proper way to feel.

I mean you're married, so either;

1. You two dated long enough to know you're not sexually compatible and completely ignored it, which suggests you're both selfish.

or

2. You both hastily married each other and recently found it difficult to achieve sexual intimacy, which makes it selfish and irrational.

It's normal to want to be with some, apparently, but being with someone you can't connect with isn't helping either of you.

Be with someone that makes you happy because being with someone doesn't always make you happy.

I don't think it was necessary to be that rude about it. I was simply looking for some advice.

1: sure we dated, but I was a virgin and had never heard of asexuality and I thought how I felt about sex was a normal thing. then after I lost it I figured it was supposed to hurt for awhile and that's why I wasn't interested in it.

it was until recently that I learned what asexuality was.

2: we didn't hastily marry each other, just thought that it would get better in time.

Looks more like you're trying to confirm something, it didn't seem like the original post was meant as a call for advice, in fact, it vaguely resembles a need for reassurance. But I'm probably reading it wrong. idk.

What does asexuality have to do with the feelings of guilt? I mean, the wording changed but the issue didn't and as it stands the issue isn't about you discovering it, it's about trying to compromise.

1 & 2: The problem was severely diminished and it shows as a rift in understanding. The choice is to comfortably compromise or end the marriage altogether, because unless you're prepared for him to fall in love with someone else (Allowing sex with someone else will do that) there really isn't any other way than doing that yourself. Either way, it's selfish to not mediate the dilemma.

[SchrodingersCat]

I'd say selfish is the proper way to feel.

There is no "proper" way to feel. She feels what she feels. I'm sure she knows the difference between feeling guilty and feeling selfish. Besides, "selfish" isn't a feeling. It's a judgement of what a person is, not a description of their emotions.

While it's true that there's always a chance someone will fall in love with their sexual partners, it's not guaranteed. I agree that it's good to be wary of the possibility and if you're not ok with that happening, then I wouldn't suggest agreeing to extramarital sex. But people have friends with benefits all the time, without falling in love. And there are always professionals, where falling in love is far less likely. They're expensive though, and taboo.

[awkwardd]

Looks more like you're trying to confirm something, it didn't seem like the original post was meant as a call for advice, in fact, it vaguely resembles a need for reassurance. But I'm probably reading it wrong. idk.

What does asexuality have to do with the feelings of guilt? I mean, the wording changed but the issue didn't and as it stands the issue isn't about you discovering it, it's about trying to compromise.

1 & 2: The problem was severely diminished and it shows as a rift in understanding. The choice is to comfortably compromise or end the marriage altogether, because unless you're prepared for him to fall in love with someone else (Allowing sex with someone else will do that) there really isn't any other way than doing that yourself. Either way, it's selfish to not mediate the dilemma.

well I apologize for not wording it clearly enough for you, but I do also suffer from social anxiety and I was nervous about even posting here in the first place, and then when I do, people like you post and act like you're so much better than me.

also leaving him isn't just that simple. he has PTSD and is medically retired from the army, my actual job is to stay at home and take care of him. if I were to just divorce him and leave what am I supposed to do? I have no family to live with, no friends, but I suppose it better than staying with him and being selfish for loving him.

[averylongwalk]

leaving him isn't just that simple. he has PTSD and is medically retired from the army, my actual job is to stay at home and take care of him. if I were to just divorce him and leave what am I supposed to do? I have no family to live with, no friends, but I suppose it better than staying with him and being selfish for loving him.

I don't think you're looking for advice, each of my posts said something about either making a stronger connection or ending it; since you ignored trying to make it better and excused ending it, I can only assume you've made up your mind to not do anything.

The fact is, no matter what you do, it's not going to be easy. I don't know what kind of advice you're looking for but I'm sure there's no magic secret that will suddenly make your relationship better without hard work. Relationships aren't easy and marriage sure as sh* can't be fixed with advice alone. Figuratively grow a pair and fix things with the man you love, otherwise it's selfish to keep thinking things will get better on their own.

[Guest]

leaving him isn't just that simple. he has PTSD and is medically retired from the army, my actual job is to stay at home and take care of him. if I were to just divorce him and leave what am I supposed to do? I have no family to live with, no friends, but I suppose it better than staying with him and being selfish for loving him.

I don't think you're looking for advice, each of my posts said something about either making a stronger connection or ending it; since you ignored trying to make it better and excused ending it, I can only assume you've made up your mind to not do anything.

The fact is, no matter what you do, it's not going to be easy. I don't know what kind of advice you're looking for but I'm sure there's no magic secret that will suddenly make your relationship better without hard work. Relationships aren't easy and marriage sure as sh* can't be fixed with advice alone. Figuratively grow a pair and fix things with the man you love, otherwise it's selfish to keep thinking things will get better on their own.

Sorry to interrupt and go off topic, but I felt the need to say this. She may well be looking for advise, but the way you phrased yours was rather rude and hurtful, which would obviously cause her to protest against it. Expressing you opinion in a way that is considerate of others feelings will make them more inclined to listen to you.

[averylongwalk]

Sorry to interrupt and go off topic, but I felt the need to say this. She may well be looking for advise, but the way you phrased yours was rather rude and hurtful, which would obviously cause her to protest against it. Expressing you opinion in a way that is considerate of others feelings will make them more inclined to listen to you.

Meh, people hear what they want to, even if I said it politely there'd be excuses and ignorance. I'm pretty sure the decision to just mope has been made, really this should have been in Ranting and Musing.

[awkwardd]

leaving him isn't just that simple. he has PTSD and is medically retired from the army, my actual job is to stay at home and take care of him. if I were to just divorce him and leave what am I supposed to do? I have no family to live with, no friends, but I suppose it better than staying with him and being selfish for loving him.

I don't think you're looking for advice, each of my posts said something about either making a stronger connection or ending it; since you ignored trying to make it better and excused ending it, I can only assume you've made up your mind to not do anything.

The fact is, no matter what you do, it's not going to be easy. I don't know what kind of advice you're looking for but I'm sure there's no magic secret that will suddenly make your relationship better without hard work. Relationships aren't easy and marriage sure as sh* can't be fixed with advice alone. Figuratively grow a pair and fix things with the man you love, otherwise it's selfish to keep thinking things will get better on their own.

please do me a favor and don't "help" on anything I post ever again.

it doesn't really matter the way it sounded to you, there was no need to be rude about it, and there's definitely no need to act like you're better than anyone else here.

[Shadow Conqueror]

I'd say selfish is the proper way to feel.

I mean you're married, so either;

1. You two dated long enough to know you're not sexually compatible and completely ignored it, which suggests you're both selfish.

or

2. You both hastily married each other and recently found it difficult to achieve sexual intimacy, which makes it selfish and irrational.

It's normal to want to be with some, apparently, but being with someone you can't connect with isn't helping either of you.

Be with someone that makes you happy because being with someone doesn't always make you happy.

Where is the dislike button? Geez...

Some people wait to have sexual intercourse until AFTER they get married. When your a virgin and you are unsure about things, and thinking "oh, it just hurts at first.. it gets better", and the fact that the SEX doesn't hold a relationship together, doesn't = selfish.. but maybe even the anti selfish.

Ya know, people can love each other out of a bond connection that doesn't involve sex...

[Shadow Conqueror]

I'm not really sure what I am, I've never been sexually attracted to anyone, I find men attractive but never had the desire to have sex. I always thought maybe something was wrong with me and had never even heard of asexuality until earlier this year.

I wish I had known about if before, I'm married to a sexual...

after I found out that I'm probably asexual I tried to explain it to him but he doesn't understand.

he says that I'm probably just a lesbian...which kinda hurts that he won't accept it.

he's a great guy who never pressures me to have sex but I feel so guilty. I have tried compromise but during I just feel like crying and usually do cry which makes him feel terrible. I love him and I feel selfish because I don't want to lose him, but I hate not giving him what he wants and needs.

I've tried giving him permission to go out and have sex with someone else but he thinks I'm joking and still refuses to accept that I'm just not a sexual person.

Hey Awkwardd *hugs*

I really hope the post another member made didn't make you afraid to post what your saying... I am sure a lot of people are stuck (including myself) in a situation where there partner doesn't/ wound't understand. Have you tried printing him out an informational sheet about "asexual" sometimes it's better that they read it from an artical from a direct source that is trusted.

[Shadow Conqueror]

I'd say selfish is the proper way to feel.

I mean you're married, so either;

1. You two dated long enough to know you're not sexually compatible and completely ignored it, which suggests you're both selfish.

or

2. You both hastily married each other and recently found it difficult to achieve sexual intimacy, which makes it selfish and irrational.

It's normal to want to be with some, apparently, but being with someone you can't connect with isn't helping either of you.

Be with someone that makes you happy because being with someone doesn't always make you happy.

I don't think it was necessary to be that rude about it. I was simply looking for some advice.

1: sure we dated, but I was a virgin and had never heard of asexuality and I thought how I felt about sex was a normal thing. then after I lost it I figured it was supposed to hurt for awhile and that's why I wasn't interested in it.

it was until recently that I learned what asexuality was.

2: we didn't hastily marry each other, just thought that it would get better in time.

^ I wrote the same thing in reply to him.. before sawing this post.. Asexuality isn't very commonly known, most doctors say it's due to a certain medication etc.. and try a hormone pill (have you tried those to see if they help?) and they said if sex itself is physically painful to talk to the obgyn because a health issue could also be present.

[awkwardd]

I'm not really sure what I am, I've never been sexually attracted to anyone, I find men attractive but never had the desire to have sex. I always thought maybe something was wrong with me and had never even heard of asexuality until earlier this year.

I wish I had known about if before, I'm married to a sexual...

after I found out that I'm probably asexual I tried to explain it to him but he doesn't understand.

he says that I'm probably just a lesbian...which kinda hurts that he won't accept it.

he's a great guy who never pressures me to have sex but I feel so guilty. I have tried compromise but during I just feel like crying and usually do cry which makes him feel terrible. I love him and I feel selfish because I don't want to lose him, but I hate not giving him what he wants and needs.

I've tried giving him permission to go out and have sex with someone else but he thinks I'm joking and still refuses to accept that I'm just not a sexual person.

Hey Awkwardd *hugs*

I really hope the post another member made didn't make you afraid to post what your saying... I am sure a lot of people are stuck (including myself) in a situation where there partner doesn't/ wound't understand. Have you tried printing him out an informational sheet about "asexual" sometimes it's better that they read it from an artical from a direct source that is trusted.

I've tried talking to him about it, he just kinda tunes it out, part of it for him is maybe he just doesn't want to accept it. I'm not sure he's not really the kind that talks things out.

[awkwardd]

I'd say selfish is the proper way to feel.

I mean you're married, so either;

1. You two dated long enough to know you're not sexually compatible and completely ignored it, which suggests you're both selfish.

or

2. You both hastily married each other and recently found it difficult to achieve sexual intimacy, which makes it selfish and irrational.

It's normal to want to be with some, apparently, but being with someone you can't connect with isn't helping either of you.

Be with someone that makes you happy because being with someone doesn't always make you happy.

I don't think it was necessary to be that rude about it. I was simply looking for some advice.

1: sure we dated, but I was a virgin and had never heard of asexuality and I thought how I felt about sex was a normal thing. then after I lost it I figured it was supposed to hurt for awhile and that's why I wasn't interested in it.

it was until recently that I learned what asexuality was.

2: we didn't hastily marry each other, just thought that it would get better in time.

^ I wrote the same thing in reply to him.. before sawing this post.. Asexuality isn't very commonly known, most doctors say it's due to a certain medication etc.. and try a hormone pill (have you tried those to see if they help?) and they said if sex itself is physically painful to talk to the obgyn because a health issue could also be present.

the painful part is probably due to endometriosis, i haven't talked to any doctors about the asexuality though.

[Shadow Conqueror]

I'd say selfish is the proper way to feel.

I mean you're married, so either;

1. You two dated long enough to know you're not sexually compatible and completely ignored it, which suggests you're both selfish.

or

2. You both hastily married each other and recently found it difficult to achieve sexual intimacy, which makes it selfish and irrational.

It's normal to want to be with some, apparently, but being with someone you can't connect with isn't helping either of you.

Be with someone that makes you happy because being with someone doesn't always make you happy.

I don't think it was necessary to be that rude about it. I was simply looking for some advice.

1: sure we dated, but I was a virgin and had never heard of asexuality and I thought how I felt about sex was a normal thing. then after I lost it I figured it was supposed to hurt for awhile and that's why I wasn't interested in it.

it was until recently that I learned what asexuality was.

2: we didn't hastily marry each other, just thought that it would get better in time.

^ I wrote the same thing in reply to him.. before sawing this post.. Asexuality isn't very commonly known, most doctors say it's due to a certain medication etc.. and try a hormone pill (have you tried those to see if they help?) and they said if sex itself is physically painful to talk to the obgyn because a health issue could also be present.

the painful part is probably due to endometriosis, i haven't talked to any doctors about the asexuality though.

I also have endometriosis :( And yeah.. it can get painful!!!

[Philip027]

Meh, people hear what they want to, even if I said it politely there'd be excuses and ignorance. I'm pretty sure the decision to just mope has been made, really this should have been in Ranting and Musing.

The very first thing you said to someone who was making an honest attempt to compromise and even give her partner the OK to get their sex outside the relationship was that they should feel selfish.

Face it dude, your "advice" is shit.