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What levels of compromise have been achieved between Sexuals and Aces?


stillAboy

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Open to all sexuals or aces regardless of within a relationship or not, i understand that asexuality is individual but This topic is just to ask, what kinds of compromise has been taken or would you be willing to accept in a relationship? especially current stable relationships where asexuals have actually managed to commit themselves to certain levels of acts they r comfortable with and their sexual partners are satisfied and both parties are happy. just looking for examples of mild sexual activities or possibly just intimate activities?

If sex is really repulsive, have u actually ever committed to giving it to your partner and how did it work out? did the frustration of having to force yourself to do something you dislike lead to things falling apart? did any ace eventually get used to it?

should Sexuals learn to live without sex/sexual activities? I love my partner dearly and i guess the more i post in aven the more i would think that i am ready to commit and accept her no-sex lifestyle. Should Sexuals encourage our ace partners to explore and find the limits they can go within their comfort zone? or just leave things as it is and learn to cut down all forms of sex?

How have u managed to compromise and what would u recommend from experience? :)

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No one should learn to live with something they do not want, just for the sake of a relationship. On either side. If one or the other (to make it work, both need a spot where they are content) can reach a point where they find a middle ground and are still content, that is fine. But, if the sexual is always unhappy due to no sex or the asexual is always unhappy due to sex, it's best to just part.

I am the asexual in the mixed relationship and I do compromise. I am not repulsed though, just find it boring. We do Mon-Wed-Fri are sex days and Tues-Thurs-Sat-Sun are no-sex days. It goes oral-oral-oral-oral-intercourse usually (Mon/Fri are "double days"). That keeps him content but it's nowhere near his ideal. And the days off allow me to recharge from the mind numbingly boring activity of sex.

Only way to know what your partner is willing to do is to talk about it. And if they say they aren't willing to do anything, don't push. They have a right to set whatever boundary, you have a right to say it's not going to work for you. But, pressure from either side to change is not cool.

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I compromised in my previous relationship. He was hypersexual and I was asexual...we worked up to having sex. We just took baby steps and I was fine. It didn't make me very happy in the long run though, because I never really got anything out of it. That's why I would not compromise in that way again in the future.

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stillAboy, on 14 Apr 2014 - 11:15 AM, said:

? did any ace eventually get used to it?

If you mean did it get any less irritating or unpleasant or boring, no. In fact, with me the opposite happened. Maybe there's only so many years you can deal with regularly doing something that you don't want or like, even if it's to please someone else.

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StillAboy,, there is not always equity in a "mixed relationship" (a term I learned on this site). Compromise is good in theory, but sometimes the only compromise you can count on is your own. Sometimes I am so lonely for human touch that I feel like my soul is tearing apart. Other times I feel repulsive, hopeless and worthless. I've been married most of my adult life to an asexual man. The compromise is mine. When I was in my twenties, half a year might go by without a single touch unless I initiated it. He doesn't like hugging, (not even hugging the kids) he has never kissed me outside of the very limited sex we've had, yet neither one of us would say anything. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what. He was my best friend and, before we had kids, my whole family tied into one.

Sexless periods of months led to years, then compound years, sometimes 5 or more. I go through bouts of depression that nearly immobilize me. We've been together for 26 years and there have been times when maybe once or twice a year we'd have sex, and he seemed to enjoy it. I can't call it making love because it always lacked intimacy. Sometimes I think that he is repulsed by the idea of sex, but that physically, it serves as a welcome release.

We live such a lie. My husband is quite good looking and people have jokingly called us “Bob and Betty beautiful” and salaciously alluded to some big romance we must have, that doesn't exist. My lie sometimes embarrasses me and so I pretend.---we both pretend When we're at a party, I hold his hand or put my arms around him, like the other couples do, only I can feel him flinching beneath my touch. He plays along, and it's our little secret that we're just keeping up appearances, and he's just waiting for the right opportunity to free himself from my embrace.

What's extra frustrating is that temptation is all around me. I still get hit on quite often, and out of anger, I strayed twice, but felt guilty and decided that wasn't the solution. I love male attention, always have. I'm not a tease, but I get a guilty pleasure when men pursue me. Not long ago, sitting at a restaurant with my elderly aunt and daughter, the waiter came by with a note for me and told us our check had been paid. Apparently, there was a man at another table, with his son, that noticed me. His note was so full of flattery and flourish that I imagined it could have flown to our table on its own! It was a beautiful note, about how I took his breath away. When I asked the waiter which table, he told me the man had just left.

Lately, I try to talk to my husband about our sexual relationship, or lack thereof, and I confess that I'm feeling like I can't live like this anymore. He ignores me, or answers with the same pat answer “What do you want me to do about it? It is what it is. “ He goes on to say that if I don't like it, I can leave. He's not mean, I just don't think he understands what's going on with himself and doesn't have the dialog to discuss it. (He's never used the word asexual and has not verbally expressed an ideology in support of asexuality.)

My husband is right, I can just leave. He clearly told me nothing is going to change on his part. Like you and so many other sexuals on this site, I love my spouse---not in a romantic way (how could I?), but I love him deeply and he's my best friend. He tells me I am the love of his life. We also have two children that we made. I chose the word "made" carefully, because that's what we did---no passionate accidents here. Each child was planned and sex was performed to conceive.

I miss kissing, touching, hugging, lingering eyes, and responding to a man's lust. I love my family though, so I choose to stay. People like you and me are taking initiative by just being on this site to try to understand a different perspective. That's our compromise: we learn how to live with it. When I read other asexuals' posts, I feel like I am getting closer to my husband. I wish I would have known about this community years ago and learned how to cope rather than living a pattern of sinking into despair and confusion, and failed attempts to pull myself out with antidepressants.

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BettyD, on 14 Apr 2014 - 3:22 PM, said:BettyD, on 14 Apr 2014 - 3:22 PM, said:

I miss kissing, touching, hugging, lingering eyes, and responding to a man's lust. I love my family though, so I choose to stay. People like you and me are taking initiative by just being on this site to try to understand a different perspective. That's our compromise: we learn how to live with it. When I read other asexuals' posts, I feel like I am getting closer to my husband. I wish I would have known about this community years ago and learned how to cope rather than living a pattern of sinking into despair and confusion, and failed attempts to pull myself out with antidepressants.

Would it be possible for you to continue loving your family without being married to your husband, and thus continue feeling despair and confusion? You sound really miserable, and your husband has clearly said that there's nothing he can do about it. (Just as you probably can't do anything about wanting sex.)

And that is a real question, not a criticism or a suggestion that you get a divorce. But I wonder how someone can look forward to more years of misery, especially when neither party can really change who they are.

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mmm Wow, so powerful, i guess that as individuals we have the power to make our own life decisions; to stay or to leave... My girlfriend had mentioned before something similar, that she doesnt think she will be able to change and that i could always leave. But i have decided to stay and compromise. Im pretty sure that we have our reasons and i support BettyD. At then end of the day as long as what we Want out of the relationship outweighs the misery; for both parties, with love in the mix, things sound pretty worth while to me.

We just took baby steps and I was fine. It didn't make me very happy in the long run though, because I never really got anything out of it. That's why I would not compromise in that way again in the future.

Coloratura, you mentioned that you were fine with it but it also caused negative emotions to accumulate and therefore you would never do it again? Im sorry i dont really understand. Is it something like what Sally said? that:

Maybe there's only so many years you can deal with regularly doing something that you don't want or like, even if it's to please someone else.

If it were just boring or tiresome, wouldnt that be the same (for some people? i dont really know) as doing household chores or giving a massage or cooking for your loved ones? something posssible tedious and something you wouldnt do for someone you didnt love? and dont we do these because we are happy to make the ones we love happy? im not sure here if this applies the same way because sex could be an entirely different issue of much bigger significance to an ace.

I thought that it could possibly be seen as a chore, like maybe i do stuff that would prefer someone else doing but because it makes u happy i do it as it makes me happy? oh man im not sure if i make sense here. >< does it really get tiring and will we really get sick of making each other happy?

No one should learn to live with something they do not want, just for the sake of a relationship. On either side. If one or the other (to make it work, both need a spot where they are content) can reach a point where they find a middle ground and are still content, that is fine. But, if the sexual is always unhappy due to no sex or the asexual is always unhappy due to sex, it's best to just part.

I am the asexual in the mixed relationship and I do compromise. I am not repulsed though, just find it boring. We do Mon-Wed-Fri are sex days and Tues-Thurs-Sat-Sun are no-sex days. It goes oral-oral-oral-oral-intercourse usually (Mon/Fri are "double days"). That keeps him content but it's nowhere near his ideal. And the days off allow me to recharge from the mind numbingly boring activity of sex.

Only way to know what your partner is willing to do is to talk about it. And if they say they aren't willing to do anything, don't push. They have a right to set whatever boundary, you have a right to say it's not going to work for you. But, pressure from either side to change is not cool.

Thank you for your response! erm based on what we have seen from the other members of aven, would you say that you are more tolerant of sex then? do you see sex as a chore you carry out for your partner? does it strengthen your relationship?

Oh ya and, being frustrated is different from being unhappy right? i mean, i could be very happy with the one i love but still be frustrated by her attitude problems (or the lack of sex) ? just an example.

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I can't speak for Sally, but I think what she means is different than getting tired of making your loved one happy. It's getting tired of doing something that is much more involved than chores around the house. My husband compromised with me for years and now we are also at the end of that. I feel that in your case (or with anyone who has said they don't want sex) the option should be for them to say what they are comfortable doing and no real attempt should be made to push their limits. If they want to push their limits that is one thing, but for any of us to ask it is bordering on coercion in my book.

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For me it is like a chore. But, doing the dishes or laundry is something that has to be done. Sex is not ... it is something that I choose to do, solely for someone else, with no benefit to me, except my partners company. It is sort of like if your partner asked you to watch the same movie every night and it is a movie you don't even like. But, to make her happy, you have to watch that movie, talk about that movie and they even want you to enjoy that movie after knowing you do not. Eventually, you will get sick of the movie, even if watching it together makes your partner happy. The more we have sex, the less patience I have for it and I need a break to recharge. One day I may need a really long break, or to stop doing it at all.

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Also, washing dishes doesn't involve using my whole body in something that's unpleasant to me. And no one expects you to like washing the dishes, nor do they ask you afterwards, "Wasn't that great?", and they don't want to discuss the washing of those dishes for an hou , and they don't want to talk about how those dishes could be washed even BETTER the next time, and they're really looking forward to it.

Urk. Got irritated just writing about it.

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Very interesting, loved the movie example. hmm. Does this apply to all asexuals? If so, then compromise is just a temporary measure. But we do know that as we age, the desire and "need" for sex decreases right? maybe compromise is only needed for a matter of years and can be adjusted depending on the couple's needs and capacity to give in?

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What is it, above all else, do we want not to happen to us? Generally, it's to suffer. We don't want to suffer. We don't want others to suffer...especially the ones we love. Suffering is often seen as the quintessential "evil." Generally, we try to avoid suffering at all costs. We even often choose death over great suffering.

But, also, we generally believe that we show great love when we sacrifice for those we love. Aren't we always "touched" by stories we hear about when someone makes tremendous sacrifice (or risk) for another? Eg. Firefighters, Medal of Honor recipients, great love stories, etc. It's because they are acts of love...self sacrifice...wanting another's good over our own. Aren't the greatest sacrifices the very ones that require the most from us?....the ones that we might have to suffer for?...out of love for the other?

I'm not suggesting that we go looking for ways to suffer to show our love. But, I believe that suffering/sacrifice is a great act of love. Perhaps the "quintessential" act of love. I believe that acts of love that require sacrifice or suffering...if viewed in a selfless loving way...can bring joy to both, the one loving and the recipient of the love. It's not easy to do. But, when we do something solely for the good of another it can make us joyful because we are happy for the good of that person and we are not thinking of ourselves. Both people "win" when this occurs...even if it involves sacrifice and suffering.

I know this sounds idealistic, but in my view, this is how compromise can work best.

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Very interesting, loved the movie example. hmm. Does this apply to all asexuals? If so, then compromise is just a temporary measure. But we do know that as we age, the desire and "need" for sex decreases right? maybe compromise is only needed for a matter of years and can be adjusted depending on the couple's needs and capacity to give in?

No, it's not just like watching a movie you don't want to see for all asexuals...there are many different feelings about sexual activity from totally indifferent to neutral, to repulsed. For some people kissing is a problem, it really depends on the person. In mixed relationships the compromises are all different too...for some there are schedules, frequency varies among couples, who initiates varies as well, and for others the compromise is little to no sexual activity.

The one thing most people agree on is that both people should feel comfortable with the compromise. If I was unhappy day in and day out with no sexual interaction that would make my husband just as unhappy and I doubt we would be together. We have a bad day now and again but that's pretty doable...most couples have difficulties at times over differences. We come out of it with self esteem intact.

I have a little trouble with the sacrifice/suffering for our partner out of love idea. I guess because I feel that is done for someone who needs help or protection...life and well being is at risk. I can't think of foregoing sexual activity in a relationship in this way. I don't think my husband wants me to suffer because I love him. In a way, it makes it seem like he is to be pitied or isn't a whole person without me, like he is flawed somehow and I am his rescuer. I can understand parents sacrificing for their children, firefighters at risk to save lives in peril, but with sex it doesn't feel right to me. I am on an equal level with my husband. We both do things to help each other, but sacrifice and suffering seem to be reserved for those who could perish without that heroic act. I guess those words are just too heavy for me in regards to sex.

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I have a little trouble with the sacrifice/suffering for our partner out of love idea. I guess because I feel that is done for someone who needs help or protection...life and well being is at risk. I can't think of foregoing sexual activity in a relationship in this way. I don't think my husband wants me to suffer because I love him. In a way, it makes it seem like he is to be pitied or isn't a whole person without me, like he is flawed somehow and I am his rescuer. I can understand parents sacrificing for their children, firefighters at risk to save lives in peril, but with sex it doesn't feel right to me. I am on an equal level with my husband. We both do things to help each other, but sacrifice and suffering seem to be reserved for those who could perish without that heroic act. I guess those words are just too heavy for me in regards to sex.

Good morning Lady!

I try to say things using as few words as possible. Sometimes this can make what I am saying confusing. I think we all do some manner of sacrificing and suffering for our loved one in most relationships. I'm not suggesting that one partner ask the other to suffer. Make sacrifice, yes, but not ask the partner to suffer for them. But, often sacrifice and suffering finds it's way into our lives and into our relationships. In most mixed relationships, there is going to be plenty of both for both partners...simply because of the nature of the relationship.

Simply by saying to your partner "Yes, I love you...please continue the relationship with me" you are asking your partner to sacrifice and to suffer....especially in a mixed relationship. All relationships involve this in some manner because there is some amount of sacrifice and suffering in all relationships. When one establishes a relationship with another you indirectly say "Let us share in the joys and the sorrows of this life together" whether it be for a year or fifty years. Sacrifices and sufferings can be small (like a sliver) or they can be big (like loosing an arm). If my wife goes on a four day trip with her friends, I will miss her and have to do everything around the house and it will cause me a certain amount of sacrifice and suffering (a sliver). If my wife says "no, we can only have sex once a year", that will cause me a certain amount of sacrifice and suffering also (losing an arm).

The main point I was trying to make is that our attitude about sacrificing and suffering for our beloved can make hard sacrifices and difficult sufferings...easier.

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Very interesting, loved the movie example. hmm. Does this apply to all asexuals? If so, then compromise is just a temporary measure. But we do know that as we age, the desire and "need" for sex decreases right? maybe compromise is only needed for a matter of years and can be adjusted depending on the couple's needs and capacity to give in?

No. Asexuals are individuals, so we all feel differently about things. Some people find sex to be something horrible, or traumatizing, some find it actually enjoyable and they just don't really have an urge to initiate but it's fun when it happens (as long as it's not all the time). Some are gray-a and want it, but only some of the time. It really just depends on the person and it can be all of the above or anything between. I am pretty much neutral about it, which is why I can compromise to the level I do. But, I also know the more time goes by, the more often I need the breaks (which the bf figures out when I get really cranky he needs to back off).

As for the need for sex decreasing - I wouldn't count on that, really. Some of the sexuals on here are 50-60-70 and still very much need sex. My bf is in his 40s and he still wants it twice a day and his MINIMUM is the schedule we have (we tried less, he couldn't take it). So, sexual desire declining with age to being pretty much non-existent is a myth - people who are older still very much want sex if they are very sexual people. Compromise may be temporary for some. Personally, in my relationship, we have pretty much already discussed the if sex stops, the relationship ends. I know if I can one day not do it, I need to be prepared to move out and move on. For now, I can do it. But, I am not sure I will be able to 10-20 years from now. But, there is never a guarantee a relationship will last forever anyway.

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BettyD, on 14 Apr 2014 - 3:22 PM, said:BettyD, on 14 Apr 2014 - 3:22 PM, said:

I miss kissing, touching, hugging, lingering eyes, and responding to a man's lust. I love my family though, so I choose to stay. People like you and me are taking initiative by just being on this site to try to understand a different perspective. That's our compromise: we learn how to live with it. When I read other asexuals' posts, I feel like I am getting closer to my husband. I wish I would have known about this community years ago and learned how to cope rather than living a pattern of sinking into despair and confusion, and failed attempts to pull myself out with antidepressants.

Would it be possible for you to continue loving your family without being married to your husband, and thus continue feeling despair and confusion? You sound really miserable, and your husband has clearly said that there's nothing he can do about it. (Just as you probably can't do anything about wanting sex.)

And that is a real question, not a criticism or a suggestion that you get a divorce. But I wonder how someone can look forward to more years of misery, especially when neither party can really change who they are.

Catch 22. We've talked about it, but it's a hard choice with young kids. Not sure if I get your first point: "and thus continue feeling despair and confusion"----while living apart? Did you mean discontinue? The way we figure, it will be at least another 6 years before we can make a smooth transition. By that time, the point is probably moot. Nature has a way of diminishing sexual atrraction over time. Divorce is probably the way to go. It's sad. Yes, sex, in and of itself is great to some of us, but for sexual people, its the rest of it that comes with it that makes living without it bleak and often unbearable.

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BettyD, on 15 Apr 2014 - 1:54 PM, said:
Sally, on 14 Apr 2014 - 4:39 PM, said:
BettyD, on 14 Apr 2014 - 3:22 PM, said:BettyD, on 14 Apr 2014 - 3:22 PM, said:BettyD, on 14 Apr 2014 - 3:22 PM, said:

I miss kissing, touching, hugging, lingering eyes, and responding to a man's lust. I love my family though, so I choose to stay. People like you and me are taking initiative by just being on this site to try to understand a different perspective. That's our compromise: we learn how to live with it. When I read other asexuals' posts, I feel like I am getting closer to my husband. I wish I would have known about this community years ago and learned how to cope rather than living a pattern of sinking into despair and confusion, and failed attempts to pull myself out with antidepressants.

Would it be possible for you to continue loving your family without being married to your husband, and thus continue feeling despair and confusion? You sound really miserable, and your husband has clearly said that there's nothing he can do about it. (Just as you probably can't do anything about wanting sex.)

And that is a real question, not a criticism or a suggestion that you get a divorce. But I wonder how someone can look forward to more years of misery, especially when neither party can really change who they are.

Catch 22. We've talked about it, but it's a hard choice with young kids. Not sure if I get your first point: "and thus continue feeling despair and confusion"----while living apart? Did you mean discontinue? The way we figure, it will be at least another 6 years before we can make a smooth transition. By that time, the point is probably moot. Nature has a way of diminishing sexual atrraction over time. Divorce is probably the way to go. It's sad. Yes, sex, in and of itself is great to some of us, but for sexual people, its the rest of it that comes with it that makes living without it bleak and often unbearable.

Sexual attraction/desire doesn't always diminish over time or with age. And yes, I meant that the despair and confusion would probably continue while you were together.

Re the 6 years before a smooth transition: How smooth could that be after another 6 years of unhappiness? I understand how young children can make it difficult to even imagine separating. But even if people think they are protecting them from the adults' problems, they know. My kids knew. It's hard to be a parent (especially a mother) when you're not getting along with the kids' other parent.

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BettyD, on 15 Apr 2014 - 1:54 PM, said:
Sally, on 14 Apr 2014 - 4:39 PM, said:
BettyD, on 14 Apr 2014 - 3:22 PM, said:BettyD, on 14 Apr 2014 - 3:22 PM, said:BettyD, on 14 Apr 2014 - 3:22 PM, said:

I miss kissing, touching, hugging, lingering eyes, and responding to a man's lust. I love my family though, so I choose to stay. People like you and me are taking initiative by just being on this site to try to understand a different perspective. That's our compromise: we learn how to live with it. When I read other asexuals' posts, I feel like I am getting closer to my husband. I wish I would have known about this community years ago and learned how to cope rather than living a pattern of sinking into despair and confusion, and failed attempts to pull myself out with antidepressants.

Would it be possible for you to continue loving your family without being married to your husband, and thus continue feeling despair and confusion? You sound really miserable, and your husband has clearly said that there's nothing he can do about it. (Just as you probably can't do anything about wanting sex.)

And that is a real question, not a criticism or a suggestion that you get a divorce. But I wonder how someone can look forward to more years of misery, especially when neither party can really change who they are.

Catch 22. We've talked about it, but it's a hard choice with young kids. Not sure if I get your first point: "and thus continue feeling despair and confusion"----while living apart? Did you mean discontinue? The way we figure, it will be at least another 6 years before we can make a smooth transition. By that time, the point is probably moot. Nature has a way of diminishing sexual atrraction over time. Divorce is probably the way to go. It's sad. Yes, sex, in and of itself is great to some of us, but for sexual people, its the rest of it that comes with it that makes living without it bleak and often unbearable.

Sexual attraction/desire doesn't always diminish over time or with age. And yes, I meant that the despair and confusion would probably continue while you were together.

Re the 6 years before a smooth transition: How smooth could that be after another 6 years of unhappiness? I understand how young children can make it difficult to even imagine separating. But even if people think they are protecting them from the adults' problems, they know. My kids knew. It's hard to be a parent (especially a mother) when you're not getting along with the kids' other parent.

Yeah, I lived with parents that didn't get along all through my childhood and I always knew it. Staying together "for the kids" is just "lets pretend our kids are not able to tell we're unhappy". It's better for kids to see their parents happy and to have good role models for their own relationships in the future (their parents finding healthy relationships) than for kids to see dysfunctional relationships, their parents miserable and then when they are 18 .. learn it was their fault, since the parents didn't want to split with kids in the house. It's taken years to figure out what a healthy relationship is, since I never saw one growing up. And my mom was way easier to get along with after the divorce, because she wasn't always upset (and no one is that awesome to be around when they are permanently upset, no matter how much they try to fake being happy).

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@stillAboy----Your quote" But we do know that as we age, the desire and "need" for sex decreases right?" Not so far for me and I've been at this for 26 years.

What I was trying to say in my post, is that for some, there is NO compromise, and it looks like from what you describe, that you are in a similar situation as me.

Compromise is defined as "an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions." In my situation, and what sounds like yours, little to no concessions are being made by your partner when it comes to your sexual/emotional needs. So, if you decide to stay, then recognize that compromise is fine in theory, but rarely acheived in many situations.

(I combined sexual and emotional into one becuase generally, at least for sexuals, the hormones associated with sexual activity correlate with emotional balance. See http://www.bodylogicmd.com/hormone-articles/the-science-of-sex . Try to overlook the fact that the author limits his/her vocabulary to heterosexual partnerships.)

I'm not suggeting that sex is the ONLY way to create hormonal emotional balance. Obvioulsy there must be other ways to stimulate those hormones by other means, but if you are a sexual person, then they most likely are tied together.

The real question to ask is, what is negotiable in the relationship? On which things do you compromise and on which do you concede? And are you able to fill in the gaps on your own for what you give up.

It's only recently I'm even really thinking about all of this. As I mentioned earlier, I've spent most of my life struggling with this mixed relationship, and medicating myself on an off with antidepressants.

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I would love to carry on with my relationship without the need for antidepressants... :( sounds so serious, what a sacrifice in order to continue, I feel that if a relationship caused me depression then I'd be better of without it. Its supposed to help us to deal with other sources of pressure and other sources of sadness, not become a major contributing factor. (just my opinion)

I'm going to try to give in and find the best compromise level possible between us. If she really isn't able to be comfortable with compromising, then I'll do my best to accept my fate. As I haven't tried this before I can't say that I definitely cannot live without sex. Therefore... Always gotta try? If it doesn't work out then I'm sure that we'll resign to our fate and split up but remain as close friends or decide on an open relationship (still not open to the idea of something that feels so similar to cheating).

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I think there is a difference in the various types of relationships....single, married, married with children, and long term married...in what considerations must be made. For example, my wife and I have been married for over twenty years and have four kids. We didn't learn about asexuality until we were married for twenty years. This poses different and additional considerations when evaluating the relationship than those that are single. Many of us older folk haven't dated in decades. It is hard for us to imagine what dating would be like (even though we dated once upon a time). For me, it even sounds a little scary. The best thoughts that I can add are those from my experience as long time married with children. But, it seems to me, that you, Still, are thinking about it in a good positive way.

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Wow---I am so surprised by some of the comments on here--" [sex] is something that I choose to do, solely for someone else, with no benefit to me, except my partners company." Seriously? What about love, intimacy,, and wanting to make someone else feel good just for the sake of the other person. Gotta say, that I've NEVER found pleasuring men with oral sex fun. Quite the opposite. BUT, I've always loved how it made the men I've loved feel (including my husband), and THAT has made me happy. If I were to be frank, I'd say that at times I've found it boring or even repulsive but the response has always made me feel connected and so happy to have given of myself to produce such pleasure. Gotta say, if its just boring and doesn't hurt you in any way, then get over yourself and GIVE. Love is gift and should be cherished. Love gives and keeps giving. Yes, I've suffered from bouts of depression because before now, I had never heard of asexuality and I blamed myself. I was raised believing that men think about sex all the time and therefore it must be something that I was doing or not doing that made him the way he is. Beyond sex though, the love I've shared with my spouse manifests in the many adventures, trials and successes that we've shared. The person that believes that there is no benefit to her or him in pleasing a partner, doesn't sound like he or she has really experienced love. Love isn't always convenienient, and not everything we do in our love relationships is fun or has a direct pay off. Love gets mothers up at all hours of the night to feed our babies, regardless of how it may hurt (ever had impacted nipples?), It compells us to change diapers (pee-yew!), and attend endless brain-numbing parent group gatherings. Want to talk about BORING? Love has us bolstering self esteem in our partners whose hair may be thinning and whose middles are not as trim as they once were. Love has us hang in there when the chips are down and life couldn't possibly get more dull; because at the end of the day, the most exciting thing that life can offer is that special person, reglardless of differences, that speaks your unspoken language and walks by your side while maybe other realtionships have fallen away.

@StillAboy, you are several steps ahead of me. You discovered asexaulity early on in your relationship and you are educating yourself. I admire you for your committment to love and your willingness to face, head on, something that will most definitely be hard for both of you at times over the course of your lives together.,

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I feel sorry that you've been unable to reach some kind of compromise with your husband. It's difficult for older generations who've not had the benefit of knowing or understanding what asexuality is. Perhaps it's not too late for you and your husband if there is still love left. A compromise may still be had through persistence, counseling or maybe you can try and educate him about asexuality. There may be avenues for you to meet your sexual needs within the confines of your your relationship. Others here are better placed than I to offer specific advice or guidance.

At 33, I've only just learned about asexuality. The effect it's had on my previous relationships is something I find very difficult to live with and I dearly wish I'd known about it years ago. Having a better understanding of my thoughts and feelings at the time would have benefited both me and my partners. All I'm left with is memories and regrets to try and piece together retrospectively. I could have very easily been married.

Gotta say, that I've NEVER found pleasuring men with oral sex fun. Quite the opposite. BUT, I've always loved how it made the men I've loved feel (including my husband), and THAT has made me happy. If I were to be frank, I'd say that at times I've found it boring or even repulsive but the response has always made me feel connected and so happy to have given of myself to produce such pleasure. Gotta say, if its just boring and doesn't hurt you in any way, then get over yourself and GIVE.

I personally don't like oral, but to turn your analogy on it's head, imagine this is the ONLY thing that pleases your partner and YOU are the asexual. The feelings you associate with it like giving pleasure are all well and good but you also mentioned it was boring and repulsive. How many times per week would you be willing perform before any connection you feel and pleasure you give are outweighed by boredom and repulsiveness? Resentment of the act and of your partner may follow unless you are able to reach a compromise. If you could carry on the relationship oral free, without obligation, would you?

I meant no disrespect with the above I hope you are not offended.

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Oh ya. I wanna hear Betty's response to that question too. I think it may be subjected to the individual's comfort level. I'm hoping that my girlf will be comfortable with finding out the limits of her comfort zone with/for me. Hope that I'll have the strength to compromise.

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