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One kiss and the aftermath (Shock?)


NoTragedyInThat

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NoTragedyInThat

He was a close friend of mine. We had met in grade five, a grade where I felt only contempt for him. He was obnoxious, constantly in motion, constantly speaking words or making pointless sounds. However, as the years passed us by, so did my annoyance with him. By grade seven we were friends, and even tried to date once. Of course at the age of 12 I had never heard the word "Asexual" let alone know that I would come to identify as such. By our senior year of High School we were still friends, the hardships of a relationship that would never, be far behind us. In exchange for what was once awkward hand holding and one never to be spoken of kiss, we now spoke of politics, how we would change the world and rip it asunder to make it a better place for all. Society be dammed.

However, in those years since our first meeting we had both changed a great deal. I had thrown away my anger and bitterness at my childhood hardships. I was now an Idealist. I craved to make the world a better place, to explore the world beyond my small Kansas home town. I had made hobbies of political and philosophical musings and debates. I was out spoken in face of conservatives around me, despite my shy nature never shying away from the pleas to see the error of their ways, and how they hurt humanity at large. I had found myself, I comfortably accepted my gender fluidity and asexuality, they were not of any real concern in the journey I craved to embark on.

He on the other hand, had shifted, perhaps in many ways for the worse. From grades eight to ten his mother had taken him to his true home in Alaska. His time there had warped the boy I once knew. The depression and cold nights he felt had thrust onto him a craving. Put lightly, he found his libido with a vengeance. While he was not they type to take without asking, he had become a man of strong want and exotic tastes in that want. This too was not a concern to me, we knew where we stood with each other. He accepted all that I had become or realised that i was, i responded in kind.

Perhaps that is why this past Winter break troubles me so. Why my mind comes back to it with a unyielding persistence, studying it at every angle, desperate to find answers hidden within the memory. I have long since given up these attempts, and decided to come here. To ask for advice, similar accounts, anything to get a hold of what had happened.

It was Christmas week, and he and I had met with many friends to enjoy the holidays in similar company. He was also to help me with a short story I was working on for publication, a writer himself. I had gotten into my car around 11pm and gone to pick him up, and we returned to a mutual friend who had become a "Cuddle buddy" of mine a few years ago. He and I sat on the bed of the boy who I shared many affections with, working for hours thinking of the perfect plot and laughing at memories we both held dear.

At around three in the morning he looked over at me, studied me for a moment and simply asked "D'ya wanna cuddle for a bit?" I will admit my acceptance was hesitant, fearing it may be awkward for us both, and a slight distrust in knowing his ways. My seemingly never ending craving for physical affection led me to say "Yeah, sure" only moments afterwards regardless. I removed myself from our friends bed and switched the light off, cascading our impending actions into darkness, hoping it would ease shyness and chase away whatever awkwardness may be looming.

I returned to him and he welcomed me into his arms, and soon I found myself quite comfortable there. Moments passed slowly with no way to tell the passage of time, I wasn't really in the mind state to care much though. Slowly, something began to happen, he was pulling me quite close to his chest, and dipping his face close to mine. Thinking back I'm quite sure I knew what he was asking. I would not raise my head off of his shoulder, a passive denial of his wants. He wasn't having it.

He lifted his hand to my chin and raised my head, not even a heartbeat later his lips descended onto mine. Only a brief moment of motionlessness lapsed in that timeless darkened room before his mouth was used to open mine. I followed. I had never kissed in such a manor and was lost, not just in what to do, but in my own mind. Thoughts screaming behind my eyes as our movements continued. Thoughts I do not wish to dwell on for a long length of time now.

Was this what he was after the entire time?

I don't know what to do...

Am I not doing this right?

Why isn't this as great as people make it out to be?

I should just do it.

He's my friend, why not have sex with him

I may like it once I've tried it

It could fix me

This could be my last chance, who else would I do this with?

Just do it.

I'm not proud of these thoughts mind you, not in the slightest. Day to day I do not feel broken, I am not ashamed of my asexuality, nothing like that. Why I participated and thought the things I did I can't be sure, all i know is that i did. But not for much longer after these thoughts began. During the dialogue within my mind my friend had moved above me and was now moving his hands with very distinct purpose. Every thought shut down from there. I put both hands to his chest and pushed. He gave way easily, and for a second we both sat side by side. No eye contact.

I simply said I needed a moment, and as soon as those words left me I may my way to the door and down the stairs. This is where my questions become the most fierce. As my feet took me away from my friend, away from our actions and what could have been, I began to physically shake and tremble. My limbs shook and I couldn't make them stop. Even once in my car and doors locked, cigaret in hand (Which I could barely hold) no matter how I willed them they would not calm.

Later my friend would come out to my car and we would speak, my voice loud, a near shout and his quiet, guilty. He and I are still friends and do not speak of that night in December. The memories however, have stayed with me, the thoughts of shaking limbs from only a kiss confuse me constantly.

So now I ask,

Have any of you had a similar experience?

What do you suggest may be the cause?

Is this Asexuality, or perhaps did I experience some deeper issue?

Thoughts?

Advice?

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NoTragedyInThat

Skip to bottom of story for my questions. Any advice at all would be welcome, please.

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I've never been kissed, (not counting a peck on the cheek from Grandma type of thing), but there have been a few cases of me getting ambush hugged that went poorly.

The first incident was back in grade 9 (decades ago now), and I was heading through the halls during class time (I had helped out with some of the school activities, so was late for class because of it) and one of the girls from the higher grades walked over and tried to hug me. I was terrified. I just dodged around her and ran off and was trembling the rest of the day. I never figured out what that was all about.

The second incident was a few years later, however still at the school. My friends met up after classes outside and then wandered off to someone's house to hang out. I am usually the first one at the meeting spot, because I rarely used my locker to store stuff, I just kept all my books for the day in my backpack. Anyways, I am idling out where we all meet, and one of the girls that hung out with us came along. She then just walked up and hugged me close, and her hands stroking my back. I had frozen like a deer in the headlights, ever muscle locked. I didn't know what was going on, but I didn't like it. After that, she never really hung out with us any more.

But, I am very touch adverse. I really don't like being touched in any way.

Anyways, from what you state, the trembling is an adrenal reaction, I think (warning, I am not a medical professional, I just lived with many of them). Which usually means you were terrified. I would offer a comforting hug, but prior evidence shows that would not be a good idea. To be honest, I am terrified if someone just implies they would like a romantic relationship with me. I want to go hide under furniture when that occurs. To be honest, you handled it much better than I would have. Gently would have had nothing to do with anything, and I would have sprinted away.

As for advice... I would probably say don't do it again? That magnitude of a negative reaction probably indicates that trying to desensitize yourself to it would not turn out well. And do you really want a romantic relationship with anyone? Or is that just society trying to impose it's views on what you should be doing? Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. If you don't want to have a romantic relationship, you may be aromantic as well. If so, welcome to the club. Just remember, if you are always single, it does not mean you will always be alone. You have friends, and that may be all you need.

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I've had a somewhat similar experience.

I had a guy-friend that I'd gotten pretty close with and everything. I'd told him about the asexuality, so I figured he didn't like me like that. Well, I was wrong. So one time when he came to visit, we ended up cuddling a bit. He fondled my chest (I didn't let him go anywhere near my lower regions) - which was okay I guess. I kind of just shut down and left him do what he wanted. Then later on during his visit, he asked if he could kiss me - and I just freaked out; crying, shaking, all that. After about a day of thinking about it I finally let him kiss me though and it was all good.

Now we've started dating (after I realised he didn't care that we don't have sex), and every time I try some new sexual kind of thing I have a mini freak out before I can go on. And sometimes if we're kissing I'll suddenly just have to stop because a random wave of nausea will hit me.

I realise that's not all that similar to your experience, but I thought I'd just share my first kiss experience - my pre-kiss was similar to your post-kiss I guess. As for the weird feeling you got after the kiss - I actually get like that if I happen to read/see a sex scene. I end up feeling really sick and weak. I think it might be a type of shock response? I don't think it means you should never do it again - but make sure that you want to do it, and you're not just doing it for their sake.

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I had very similar experiences. Shaking, heart racing, and panic after I started to make out with someone. I cant say I ever wanted to be with any of those people though. Just did because that's what you do. I often had asked myself the questions you did like "why isnt this good" "I should just do it" "maybe it will fix me" but every time I would abruptly get up and leave before it went too far. This was embarrassing because I majorly freaked out and most people don't. And I felt like I was hurting the guys feelings. The urge to push was there but only happened once when I was ambushed kissed. I just do not like to be touched like that. Kissing alone I just feel gross all over. So I'm not the best person for advice but I wanted to say you described my own feelings and experiences perfectly. And I agree with Snooze - make sure you really want it if you decide to try again. And I would add only do it with someone you can have an open dialogue with about taking things slowly.

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I've never been kissed, but the thought of eating some one else' saliva makes me feel ill.

Hugs make me panic like theres a gun pointed at me.

I find it quite funny though, my few weaknesses.

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transient_dreams

Sorry for the babble, but kissing had been a particularly self-esteem hurting problem for me.

<long babble>

The first time I kissed a guy, I was 15. It was a short, small, first kiss for us both. No saliva. But a feeling of repulsion coursed through me. I played it off until I got home, but then I didn't respond to any of his texts ever again. I figured I just didn't like him like I had thought I had. I couldn't read fanfiction or watch anything where people kissed for a good couple months afterwards. I still feel bad for how I treated him- he was really confused and didn't understand what had happened.

The second kiss, I was 18. I went to the movies with a guy from my college, and told him I didn't want to kiss. He agreed. Then in the movies, he basically grabbed my chin and shoved his tongue down my throat. I freaked, shoving him off, wiping off my lips, and making a sound of disgust. I played off the rest of the date well enough, feeling both guilty and violated. I didn't go out with him again.

The third kiss was a week later. This guy was six years older than me, and seemed like he had had experience. I figured that maybe it wasn't that I didn't like kissing, but that I hadn't kissed a good kisser. When he kissed me, I bursted into tears. He broke up with me a few days later, and I felt very relieved. I don't think it was because of the kiss though.

Then I decided I was 'the problem'. So I got a boyfriend who I knew had experience (that I was also very intellectually attracted to), and over a period of a month we worked up to kissing. Whenever I had to wipe my lips or make 'bleh!' sounds he'd just stop and wait for me to be ready to try again, be it an hour or days. Now I can handle kissing but don't really get any pleasure out of it unless I can take complete control of it. (We're not together anymore, but we're still good friends, and he really helped me figure some things out about myself)

I'm 20 now and have kissed two strangers during separate parties out of curiosity. If they respond at all I find it gross, so I literally hold their jaw in place. Strangely, they didn't mind. Still was more of a chore than something desirable.

</long babble>

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Yes--my then-girl friend came to visit me, and we had just gotten in the car, and she said something along the lines of, "Oh yeah," before reaching over and grabbing my face. I panicked hardcore, and I felt so unbelieveably stupid about it--she had simply meant to kiss me on the cheek, which she eventually managed, despite my flailing. I don't think it's directly correlated to asexuality, however--I have had a poor experience in the past, and I'm pretty sure what triggered my panic was simply the suddeness of the action, and her refusal to stop until she had succeeded. I don't like people invading my personal space without permission--I don't even like hugs honestly. A boundary line was crossed--that's all.

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Reading this really moved me, i can completely relate. Its exactly how I can feel myself being in that situation. Thoughts I know I've thought in simular ones and I don't know where they come from they aren't a part of me normally. I let a guy get very close to kissing me and more physically close than I'm confortable with. We were on my bed and he was sprawled on top of me, face against mine, for some reason gentle rubbing his nose against me (whats that about?) and stroking my hair. Telling me how beautiful I was, telling me how soft my skin was, telling me that I was enjoying being close with him. He was very much in control of the situation, I dunno maybe that was cos he was older and confident and knew he had more experience and such. And he kept leaning into kiss me and I kept turning my head away to stop him and he would just smile and say he liked a challenge. And i just wanted to be anywhere but there and wondered why he was loving this so much and I was hating it so much? I didn't feel I had it in me to say anything then. He ended up leaving and I changed all the sheets so they dont smell like him and had two showers to get his scent off me, it revolted me. Right after he left though I kinda broke down in tears.

I feel simularly about other experences of other guys being with me even a little, I think its just a side effect of my particular brand of asexulity. There ought to be nothing else wrong with me, I come from a long line of healthy marriages and have no past problems that would cause this. Its just not a natural part of who I am. I can't be me and be physical with people in that way. And to be me feels like I'm wronging me somehow and its really physically and emotionally distressing thing to go through

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NoTragedyInThat

I've never been kissed, but the thought of eating some one else' saliva makes me feel ill.

Hugs make me panic like theres a gun pointed at me.

I find it quite funny though, my few weaknesses.

Its not that the act that really bothers me - I think. I mean it just doesn't do anything for me. As for cuddling, I could live off the stuff. Sorry to hear that its hard for ya though.

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Frilly-Frills

I've never kissed anyone, so I don't really know what my reaction would be, but it terrifies me every time I think about it.

I'm fine with hugs, cuddling, hand holding, but somehow the thought of kissing is something I can't quite get past.

If I don't think about it too closely, it's not as scary, but I think that's because of the sort of

separation there is in my mind between the idea of kissing and the actual process of kissing,

where the former is just a word and a smattering of movie scenes and the latter is the vivid thought of someone actually pressing their mouth against mine and just so happens to be paralyzingly terrifying.

I'm not sure if I actually realized the extent of this fear though, until recently.

There has been a person that I have been pretty interested in recently, though I've been wavering on wether that interest falls into the platonic or romantic category. All I know is that I enjoy talking to them, and hanging around them, and we've actually connected surprisingly well. (surprising more due to the fact that I am absolutely horrendous when it comes to any

sort of flirting) I have absolutely no idea whether said person has any interest in me, but I was never really bothered by it. However, pretty recently, a friend of mine was talking about how there was a ridiculous amount of very obvious make out sessions on the band trip a bit more than a month ago, and cited said person as an example, hand on chest making out with his at the time not-quite-girlfriend, flirtation-ship, I'm really not sure what terms there are for people who are definitely interested each other but not dating as of yet.

I had a pretty strong negative mental reaction to that information, and for a while I wasn't sure why. I had definitely been aware of him and the girl having a thing at the time but hadn't been to bothered by it. After all, I hadn't even sorted out whether I was interested in him romantically at all.

After mulling it over ad nauseum. The conclusion I came to was that, with said person being amongst the very small group of people I wouldn't be very vehemently opposed to being in a relationship with, it really hit home the fact that, if I was actually in a relationship with him (or anyone for that matter) there would be a very strong possibility that they would, at some point, attempt to kiss me like that, or even kiss me at all...and it terrifies me.

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ffeatherbed

I've only ever kissed one person, and that was someone I barely knew. I met him on a dating site, and he went to the same college I did (I was a freshman, at the time). The first time we met face-to-face, I was spending the weekend with my parents, and he came over and watched The Princess Bride. Barely 10 minutes into the movie, he was pulling me closer and closer, putting his face close to mine, trying to force me to make the first move and kiss him. I was kind of freaked out by the whole thing (not that it was totally unexpected), and I just kind of froze. It didn't take long until he finally gave up the little game he was trying to play, and he kissed me. We ended up making out on the couch, and I let it all happen. I was 18 and had never been kissed, I wanted to see what it was like. While it was happening, I maintained an almost scientific curiosity: "Oh, that's what that feels like. Hmm, not what I expected. Am I doing this right? Why do I feel so detached and numb? Is it like this for everyone?" For me, it was an... okay experience. Not remotely close to what I had expected. No fireworks, no all-consuming passion or sensation, not even a raised heart rate or shortness of breath. Like I said, it was almost an out-of-body experience, I just felt very... neutral. I even remember trying to break it up by saying something like, "I really do want to watch this movie, though, it's one of my favorites." He didn't take the not-so-subtle hint, though, hahah.

After he left, I experienced a similar kind of trembling nervousness, almost to the point where my teeth were chattering. At the time, I attributed that to my excitement at what I naively thought would be the start of a new relationship. We met up a few more times to do the same kind of thing. About halfway through our "relationship," he was wanting to come see me in my dorm, and I experienced the same intense nervous energy at the prospect of seeing him that night, and I had to turn him down. I didn't know what to make of that, at the time, but it's clear to me now that my body was trying to tell me something. I saw him once more after that, and then we both just kind of stopped talking to each other, which was fine by me.

I haven't kissed anyone since then, but I will admit that I'm curious if it would have the same outcome if I waited till I really knew/cared about someone before kissing them.

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You just described my first kiss perfectly... Obviously it was a different scenario but the same thoughts. I kept going "This is it? Aren't first kisses supposed to be life altering? This is just weird. His mouth tastes weird. Am I doing this right? This can't be right. Is this what everyone else feels? If so then why do they think kissing is so great? This isn't great at all it's awful!" Later on that night my best friend (we went on a double date with 2 guys) laughed at me as I sped to the nearest store after the date to purchase mouthwash and a drink.

At first I thought that maybe he was just a bad kisser but after some time (I experimented quite a bit with other guys) I realized that it wasn't him, it wasn't everyone else, it was me. I felt so relieved when I discovered I was asexual, just a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt before that I was going to have to go through life having pointless and dull sex and kissing guys that I liked because that's what straight girls did, but now I see a whole new future for me, one that I understand better and I feel so much happier. It is okay to not enjoy sex or making out.

I have always wondered though if for the right guy I might want a relationship or even enjoy kissing him, I guess I will just have to figure that out in the future though :)

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He ended up leaving and I changed all the sheets so they dont smell like him and had two showers to get his scent off me, it revolted me. Right after he left though I kinda broke down in tears.

Ugh something like this happened to me and I couldn't sleep in my bed for a few days until it stopped smelling like him. I couldn't even look at my face in the mirror without wanting to throw up because he has kind of sucked my bottom lip while kissing me (it was so gross) and my lip had gone from pink to a literal purple/blue bruise. Even thinking back on those memories makes me want to like just curl into the fetus position and stop existing for a moment haha. My brain is really over dramatic about that stuff

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Zenepheon

He was a close friend of mine. We had met in grade five, a grade where I felt only contempt for him. He was obnoxious, constantly in motion, constantly speaking words or making pointless sounds. However, as the years passed us by, so did my annoyance with him. By grade seven we were friends, and even tried to date once. Of course at the age of 12 I had never heard the word "Asexual" let alone know that I would come to identify as such. By our senior year of High School we were still friends, the hardships of a relationship that would never, be far behind us. In exchange for what was once awkward hand holding and one never to be spoken of kiss, we now spoke of politics, how we would change the world and rip it asunder to make it a better place for all. Society be dammed.

However, in those years since our first meeting we had both changed a great deal. I had thrown away my anger and bitterness at my childhood hardships. I was now an Idealist. I craved to make the world a better place, to explore the world beyond my small Kansas home town. I had made hobbies of political and philosophical musings and debates. I was out spoken in face of conservatives around me, despite my shy nature never shying away from the pleas to see the error of their ways, and how they hurt humanity at large. I had found myself, I comfortably accepted my gender fluidity and asexuality, they were not of any real concern in the journey I craved to embark on.

He on the other hand, had shifted, perhaps in many ways for the worse. From grades eight to ten his mother had taken him to his true home in Alaska. His time there had warped the boy I once knew. The depression and cold nights he felt had thrust onto him a craving. Put lightly, he found his libido with a vengeance. While he was not they type to take without asking, he had become a man of strong want and exotic tastes in that want. This too was not a concern to me, we knew where we stood with each other. He accepted all that I had become or realised that i was, i responded in kind.

Perhaps that is why this past Winter break troubles me so. Why my mind comes back to it with a unyielding persistence, studying it at every angle, desperate to find answers hidden within the memory. I have long since given up these attempts, and decided to come here. To ask for advice, similar accounts, anything to get a hold of what had happened.

It was Christmas week, and he and I had met with many friends to enjoy the holidays in similar company. He was also to help me with a short story I was working on for publication, a writer himself. I had gotten into my car around 11pm and gone to pick him up, and we returned to a mutual friend who had become a "Cuddle buddy" of mine a few years ago. He and I sat on the bed of the boy who I shared many affections with, working for hours thinking of the perfect plot and laughing at memories we both held dear.

At around three in the morning he looked over at me, studied me for a moment and simply asked "D'ya wanna cuddle for a bit?" I will admit my acceptance was hesitant, fearing it may be awkward for us both, and a slight distrust in knowing his ways. My seemingly never ending craving for physical affection led me to say "Yeah, sure" only moments afterwards regardless. I removed myself from our friends bed and switched the light off, cascading our impending actions into darkness, hoping it would ease shyness and chase away whatever awkwardness may be looming.

I returned to him and he welcomed me into his arms, and soon I found myself quite comfortable there. Moments passed slowly with no way to tell the passage of time, I wasn't really in the mind state to care much though. Slowly, something began to happen, he was pulling me quite close to his chest, and dipping his face close to mine. Thinking back I'm quite sure I knew what he was asking. I would not raise my head off of his shoulder, a passive denial of his wants. He wasn't having it.

He lifted his hand to my chin and raised my head, not even a heartbeat later his lips descended onto mine. Only a brief moment of motionlessness lapsed in that timeless darkened room before his mouth was used to open mine. I followed. I had never kissed in such a manor and was lost, not just in what to do, but in my own mind. Thoughts screaming behind my eyes as our movements continued. Thoughts I do not wish to dwell on for a long length of time now.

Was this what he was after the entire time?

I don't know what to do...

Am I not doing this right?

Why isn't this as great as people make it out to be?

I should just do it.

He's my friend, why not have sex with him

I may like it once I've tried it

It could fix me

This could be my last chance, who else would I do this with?

Just do it.

I'm not proud of these thoughts mind you, not in the slightest. Day to day I do not feel broken, I am not ashamed of my asexuality, nothing like that. Why I participated and thought the things I did I can't be sure, all i know is that i did. But not for much longer after these thoughts began. During the dialogue within my mind my friend had moved above me and was now moving his hands with very distinct purpose. Every thought shut down from there. I put both hands to his chest and pushed. He gave way easily, and for a second we both sat side by side. No eye contact.

I simply said I needed a moment, and as soon as those words left me I may my way to the door and down the stairs. This is where my questions become the most fierce. As my feet took me away from my friend, away from our actions and what could have been, I began to physically shake and tremble. My limbs shook and I couldn't make them stop. Even once in my car and doors locked, cigaret in hand (Which I could barely hold) no matter how I willed them they would not calm.

Later my friend would come out to my car and we would speak, my voice loud, a near shout and his quiet, guilty. He and I are still friends and do not speak of that night in December. The memories however, have stayed with me, the thoughts of shaking limbs from only a kiss confuse me constantly.

So now I ask,

Have any of you had a similar experience?

What do you suggest may be the cause?

Is this Asexuality, or perhaps did I experience some deeper issue?

Thoughts?

Advice?

Your writing style is beautiful ^^ I'm really glad you started this topic. I'm learning so much and feel even more understood.

I've had a somewhat similar experience.

I had a guy-friend that I'd gotten pretty close with and everything. I'd told him about the asexuality, so I figured he didn't like me like that. Well, I was wrong. So one time when he came to visit, we ended up cuddling a bit. He fondled my chest (I didn't let him go anywhere near my lower regions) - which was okay I guess. I kind of just shut down and left him do what he wanted. Then later on during his visit, he asked if he could kiss me - and I just freaked out; crying, shaking, all that. After about a day of thinking about it I finally let him kiss me though and it was all good.

Now we've started dating (after I realised he didn't care that we don't have sex), and every time I try some new sexual kind of thing I have a mini freak out before I can go on. And sometimes if we're kissing I'll suddenly just have to stop because a random wave of nausea will hit me.

I realise that's not all that similar to your experience, but I thought I'd just share my first kiss experience - my pre-kiss was similar to your post-kiss I guess. As for the weird feeling you got after the kiss - I actually get like that if I happen to read/see a sex scene. I end up feeling really sick and weak. I think it might be a type of shock response? I don't think it means you should never do it again - but make sure that you want to do it, and you're not just doing it for their sake.

Your story is the closest to how mine went. I actually get a lot of sexual arousal from my breasts but I still lack the desire to take it farther. And I never dream about it later or feel the urge for more later. Its just nice when it happens but i can live without it. I'm very indifferent to kissing. It doesn't repulse me, It bores me. The shaking reaction that everyone is speaking of, I can relate. I was emotionally connected with one of my exes and he wanted to have sex and I was 18 so i was like "okay lets see what all this hype is about" but it was... quite an ordeal. This shaking everyone is talking about, that was intense. I couldn't look at his body, i was so afraid. I was stuttering from some irrational fear. It only happened because he just didn't seem phased. He was really patient and coaching me through it. But... If i had known how unnatural that reaction was, If i had known what asexuality was I never would have pushed myself like that.

Reading this really moved me, i can completely relate. Its exactly how I can feel myself being in that situation. Thoughts I know I've thought in simular ones and I don't know where they come from they aren't a part of me normally. I let a guy get very close to kissing me and more physically close than I'm confortable with. We were on my bed and he was sprawled on top of me, face against mine, for some reason gentle rubbing his nose against me (whats that about?) and stroking my hair. Telling me how beautiful I was, telling me how soft my skin was, telling me that I was enjoying being close with him. He was very much in control of the situation, I dunno maybe that was cos he was older and confident and knew he had more experience and such. And he kept leaning into kiss me and I kept turning my head away to stop him and he would just smile and say he liked a challenge. And i just wanted to be anywhere but there and wondered why he was loving this so much and I was hating it so much? I didn't feel I had it in me to say anything then. He ended up leaving and I changed all the sheets so they dont smell like him and had two showers to get his scent off me, it revolted me. Right after he left though I kinda broke down in tears.

I feel simularly about other experences of other guys being with me even a little, I think its just a side effect of my particular brand of asexulity. There ought to be nothing else wrong with me, I come from a long line of healthy marriages and have no past problems that would cause this. Its just not a natural part of who I am. I can't be me and be physical with people in that way. And to be me feels like I'm wronging me somehow and its really physically and emotionally distressing thing to go through

Yes, I understand.

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Biogirl92

I've had one boyfriend in my life when I was 14. He was my first kiss but when I kissed him nothing happened, no spark or anything it just felt weird. He came back into my life for a very brief time when I was 20 and things escalated quickly. But as the heavy make out session went on, I just mentally shut down. Thankfully I didn't feel terrified or nauseous or anything, and I'm sorry that was an experience for many of you, but it just did nothing for me. I felt more attracted to him when we were just talking. I ended it quickly, and told him that I just wanted to hang out. He left soon after that and didn't contact me again which was fine with me.

The next time I went out on a date, almost a year later, it ended in a good night kiss. When asked about it by my friends, I just said it was fine and changed the subject. I love cuddling and everything, but anything sexual just turns me off.

I don't know what advise I can give but hopefully my story will help.

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cherrytreeleaf

I think there are two things going on in your story, and I want to pick them apart for a second.

The first is the kiss itself. Some people here have had very negative reactions to kissing and anything sexual. You may or may not have strong negative reactions to sexual contact, too, I'm not sure. I'm asexual, but I've kissed people, in the spirit of experimentation, and I've had sex. I certainly didn't see what all the fuss was about, but I didn't have a strong aversive reaction to any of it either. I felt in control of each of these situations, and while I wasn't attracted to any of the men involved, I wasn't repulsed or afraid either.

The second thing, which to me is the more important part, is the fact that someone you trust and care about callously and deliberately violated a stated boundary. Asexuality aside, your friend's actions were gross and awful. Look at it from any angle you like: imagine a straight woman, whose female friend ambushes her with a kiss. A straight man, whose male friend pins him down and sticks a tongue down his throat. A gay woman, whose male friend forces a kiss on her. Any combination of orientations/attractions/genders you like, for one person to ignore the stated wishes of another person in order to get their kicks is NOT OK.

Your friend (if you are still friends) sent you a very clear message with his actions. He said "Fulfilling my desires is more important to me than your safety and comfort. Hell, my "strong wants" are more important to me than a fundamental aspect of your identity: your sexuality."

Whatever he said to you afterwards, whatever apologies and justifications he offered, I hope his actions speak louder than his words to you, and you keep this in mind if ever you choose to be around this person in the future. He does not sound like a safe person, at all, and I'm really sorry you had to go through this.

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I agree that it was rude for him to kiss you when you refused initially (even if passively).

However, it sounds like the kiss wasn't what bothered you - it was him trying to make another move - is that correct?

Kissing could be considered innocent, and non-sexual (I.e - faire la bise). To me, the shaking limbs mean either shock from just being surprised, shock from something considered invasive, or nerves from having this experience with someone you know well - a romantic type of thing. It could also be any combination of those things.

The fact that he stopped when you pushed him, to me, is a good thing. It means he does have some respect for you over his drive.

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NoTragedyInThat

He was a close friend of mine. We had met in grade five, a grade where I felt only contempt for him. He was obnoxious, constantly in motion, constantly speaking words or making pointless sounds. However, as the years passed us by, so did my annoyance with him. By grade seven we were friends, and even tried to date once. Of course at the age of 12 I had never heard the word "Asexual" let alone know that I would come to identify as such. By our senior year of High School we were still friends, the hardships of a relationship that would never, be far behind us. In exchange for what was once awkward hand holding and one never to be spoken of kiss, we now spoke of politics, how we would change the world and rip it asunder to make it a better place for all. Society be dammed.

However, in those years since our first meeting we had both changed a great deal. I had thrown away my anger and bitterness at my childhood hardships. I was now an Idealist. I craved to make the world a better place, to explore the world beyond my small Kansas home town. I had made hobbies of political and philosophical musings and debates. I was out spoken in face of conservatives around me, despite my shy nature never shying away from the pleas to see the error of their ways, and how they hurt humanity at large. I had found myself, I comfortably accepted my gender fluidity and asexuality, they were not of any real concern in the journey I craved to embark on.

He on the other hand, had shifted, perhaps in many ways for the worse. From grades eight to ten his mother had taken him to his true home in Alaska. His time there had warped the boy I once knew. The depression and cold nights he felt had thrust onto him a craving. Put lightly, he found his libido with a vengeance. While he was not they type to take without asking, he had become a man of strong want and exotic tastes in that want. This too was not a concern to me, we knew where we stood with each other. He accepted all that I had become or realised that i was, i responded in kind.

Perhaps that is why this past Winter break troubles me so. Why my mind comes back to it with a unyielding persistence, studying it at every angle, desperate to find answers hidden within the memory. I have long since given up these attempts, and decided to come here. To ask for advice, similar accounts, anything to get a hold of what had happened.

It was Christmas week, and he and I had met with many friends to enjoy the holidays in similar company. He was also to help me with a short story I was working on for publication, a writer himself. I had gotten into my car around 11pm and gone to pick him up, and we returned to a mutual friend who had become a "Cuddle buddy" of mine a few years ago. He and I sat on the bed of the boy who I shared many affections with, working for hours thinking of the perfect plot and laughing at memories we both held dear.

At around three in the morning he looked over at me, studied me for a moment and simply asked "D'ya wanna cuddle for a bit?" I will admit my acceptance was hesitant, fearing it may be awkward for us both, and a slight distrust in knowing his ways. My seemingly never ending craving for physical affection led me to say "Yeah, sure" only moments afterwards regardless. I removed myself from our friends bed and switched the light off, cascading our impending actions into darkness, hoping it would ease shyness and chase away whatever awkwardness may be looming.

I returned to him and he welcomed me into his arms, and soon I found myself quite comfortable there. Moments passed slowly with no way to tell the passage of time, I wasn't really in the mind state to care much though. Slowly, something began to happen, he was pulling me quite close to his chest, and dipping his face close to mine. Thinking back I'm quite sure I knew what he was asking. I would not raise my head off of his shoulder, a passive denial of his wants. He wasn't having it.

He lifted his hand to my chin and raised my head, not even a heartbeat later his lips descended onto mine. Only a brief moment of motionlessness lapsed in that timeless darkened room before his mouth was used to open mine. I followed. I had never kissed in such a manor and was lost, not just in what to do, but in my own mind. Thoughts screaming behind my eyes as our movements continued. Thoughts I do not wish to dwell on for a long length of time now.

Was this what he was after the entire time?

I don't know what to do...

Am I not doing this right?

Why isn't this as great as people make it out to be?

I should just do it.

He's my friend, why not have sex with him

I may like it once I've tried it

It could fix me

This could be my last chance, who else would I do this with?

Just do it.

I'm not proud of these thoughts mind you, not in the slightest. Day to day I do not feel broken, I am not ashamed of my asexuality, nothing like that. Why I participated and thought the things I did I can't be sure, all i know is that i did. But not for much longer after these thoughts began. During the dialogue within my mind my friend had moved above me and was now moving his hands with very distinct purpose. Every thought shut down from there. I put both hands to his chest and pushed. He gave way easily, and for a second we both sat side by side. No eye contact.

I simply said I needed a moment, and as soon as those words left me I may my way to the door and down the stairs. This is where my questions become the most fierce. As my feet took me away from my friend, away from our actions and what could have been, I began to physically shake and tremble. My limbs shook and I couldn't make them stop. Even once in my car and doors locked, cigaret in hand (Which I could barely hold) no matter how I willed them they would not calm.

Later my friend would come out to my car and we would speak, my voice loud, a near shout and his quiet, guilty. He and I are still friends and do not speak of that night in December. The memories however, have stayed with me, the thoughts of shaking limbs from only a kiss confuse me constantly.

So now I ask,

Have any of you had a similar experience?

What do you suggest may be the cause?

Is this Asexuality, or perhaps did I experience some deeper issue?

Thoughts?

Advice?

Your writing style is beautiful ^^ I'm really glad you started this topic. I'm learning so much and feel even more understood.

I've had a somewhat similar experience.

I had a guy-friend that I'd gotten pretty close with and everything. I'd told him about the asexuality, so I figured he didn't like me like that. Well, I was wrong. So one time when he came to visit, we ended up cuddling a bit. He fondled my chest (I didn't let him go anywhere near my lower regions) - which was okay I guess. I kind of just shut down and left him do what he wanted. Then later on during his visit, he asked if he could kiss me - and I just freaked out; crying, shaking, all that. After about a day of thinking about it I finally let him kiss me though and it was all good.

Now we've started dating (after I realised he didn't care that we don't have sex), and every time I try some new sexual kind of thing I have a mini freak out before I can go on. And sometimes if we're kissing I'll suddenly just have to stop because a random wave of nausea will hit me.

I realise that's not all that similar to your experience, but I thought I'd just share my first kiss experience - my pre-kiss was similar to your post-kiss I guess. As for the weird feeling you got after the kiss - I actually get like that if I happen to read/see a sex scene. I end up feeling really sick and weak. I think it might be a type of shock response? I don't think it means you should never do it again - but make sure that you want to do it, and you're not just doing it for their sake.

Your story is the closest to how mine went. I actually get a lot of sexual arousal from my breasts but I still lack the desire to take it farther. And I never dream about it later or feel the urge for more later. Its just nice when it happens but i can live without it. I'm very indifferent to kissing. It doesn't repulse me, It bores me. The shaking reaction that everyone is speaking of, I can relate. I was emotionally connected with one of my exes and he wanted to have sex and I was 18 so i was like "okay lets see what all this hype is about" but it was... quite an ordeal. This shaking everyone is talking about, that was intense. I couldn't look at his body, i was so afraid. I was stuttering from some irrational fear. It only happened because he just didn't seem phased. He was really patient and coaching me through it. But... If i had known how unnatural that reaction was, If i had known what asexuality was I never would have pushed myself like that.

Reading this really moved me, i can completely relate. Its exactly how I can feel myself being in that situation. Thoughts I know I've thought in simular ones and I don't know where they come from they aren't a part of me normally. I let a guy get very close to kissing me and more physically close than I'm confortable with. We were on my bed and he was sprawled on top of me, face against mine, for some reason gentle rubbing his nose against me (whats that about?) and stroking my hair. Telling me how beautiful I was, telling me how soft my skin was, telling me that I was enjoying being close with him. He was very much in control of the situation, I dunno maybe that was cos he was older and confident and knew he had more experience and such. And he kept leaning into kiss me and I kept turning my head away to stop him and he would just smile and say he liked a challenge. And i just wanted to be anywhere but there and wondered why he was loving this so much and I was hating it so much? I didn't feel I had it in me to say anything then. He ended up leaving and I changed all the sheets so they dont smell like him and had two showers to get his scent off me, it revolted me. Right after he left though I kinda broke down in tears.

I feel simularly about other experences of other guys being with me even a little, I think its just a side effect of my particular brand of asexulity. There ought to be nothing else wrong with me, I come from a long line of healthy marriages and have no past problems that would cause this. Its just not a natural part of who I am. I can't be me and be physical with people in that way. And to be me feels like I'm wronging me somehow and its really physically and emotionally distressing thing to go through

Yes, I understand.

Thank you. :)

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I have kissed but the few time I made it it was so dead/boring/cold I don't know if kissing is always like that or it was the person I kissed (I felt like kissing a dead body) but the point is that I'm not hoping do it again kissing is so meehhhh to me

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I don't really have advice, just experience but I hope that counts? My ex [while we were still going out] pretty much sprung kissing on me the minute we got together [for the second time which is also the final time] and that went on for about four months with me hating every minute that we had our lips together. Got so bad that I wanted out of the relationship, but my bff and soulmate-foreves-yo [platonic, of course; she's got an SO and I've the knowledge that we're pretty solid] convinced me to talk to him about it. I did and he was like 'oh, that's why?' and we just stuck to hugs for like two weeks. Then he sprung it on me again [wouldn't let go and shoved his face in my face when I was gonna ask to let me get to class] and I drew the line. Ironically, just before that, I thought we'd maybe work out after all but then afterwards I was so pissed that he pulled that, I couldn't take it anymore. All the cumulative bs [lying, ignoring everything I say, and then that] just tossed me over an edge I don't plan on climbing back over.] We're done, and it's been like two months. Now I'm wondering if maybe it was just him that the kissing thing didn't fly with? Cause I only ever kissed one other person on the lips and it lasted like a second so it wasn't a good gauge on that shebang. I'm thinking [hoping] it was just with him and I can have a [mostly] normal relationship if the time and person are right.

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I'm like that too. I get weirded out well before it even gets to kissing or touching! I would not pursue it further if I were you. IMO. I know it would not go well with me if i did that for my self.

I'm the kick in nuts, punch in face, then run type when it comes to panic so anyone kissing me would be likely to leave with a black eye or bloody nose and see me flying over the hills in the distance. I'd undoubtedly freak thinking sex was about to be forced on me and go into fight mode. Its happened before, I don't like anything sexual at all or being touched by someone whom I do not want touching me that way. I make that very clear, if someone disobeys I take it the way it feels, like a direct threat to my safety and I act instinctively to defend my self and get away.

Its just me. I have an incredible aversion to anything like that, I don't know why.

And then theres cold sores/oral herpes! EWWW!!! I prefer to remain free of that!

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Synchrèse

Probably TMI

I've kissed three times in my life, first time when I was 18. It was always the same: I felt uncomfortable, embarrassed, disgusted and disappointed and I would always turn my head away after a couple seconds and avoid an eye-contact. I just don't like the idea of someone's damn tongue in my mouth, someone's breathing on my face and someone's face too close to mine.

I don't like this grandma/aunt kisses either. (You can just imagine how much I suffer being here in France where total strangers kiss each other with that loud, wet-like awful sound to say hello and goodbye...crazy nation.)

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It is so nice to know that there are many like me who find kissing, sharing saliva as gross (yukkkkkkkk)... Even thought of it makes me puke.

In my experiences I've actually cut out of the kissing part. Somehow, it had worked with my partners

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NoTragedyInThat

[possible TMI] Thing is, I wouldn't call myself sex-repulsed by any stretch of the imagination. I'm VERY open about my sexuality and have in depth convos (in the format of a mature dignified exchange) about others. I've talked about sex with others, watched porn, read m/m fiction with sex scenes, and handle my "problems" on my own. Which is, I think partly why my reaction through me off. I've always considered myself a tad Grey-A. But at the same time I've never felt courageous(?) enough to so much as kiss.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Simply92Me

I'm actually fairly useless to this thread, seeing as I've never experienced being kissed, however the same shaking that you described did happen to me.

It was only a few months ago, I was at my friends house to play video games, she had invited another one of her friends and had told me about it prior, so the three of us could all play the same game. He and I had never met before, but after many years of practice I can now keep a conversation going very well. He was funny and nice, and the three of us where getting along fine. My friend left to go some dinner in the other room (which is separated by a wall) and he and I where left alone, we talked briefly, and he implied verbally that he wanted to kiss me (at the very least) I felt like someone was tying my insides into tiny knots and felt like I couldn't breath, I bluntly changed the subject, and acted like nothing else had happened, but I still felt sick the rest of the evening and had to stay in the bathroom to try and calm down, I was shaking terribly and couldn't eat my dinner. After I was able to leave, I came running to the AVEN chat room, where I poured out my intense distress. I still left physically ill for an hour after I got home.

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