"Who are the asexuals and how do they fit under the queer umbrella?" - So So Gay (England)

[Guest member25959]

So So Gay is an English-based online magazine focusing on lesbian, gay and bisexual lifestyle. "Who are the asexuals and how do they fit under the queer umbrella?" is categorized as an opinion piece, written by Benjamin O'Connor and an unspecified guest writer...

Originally posted at 10:20AM CET, April 8th;

8 April 2014. Benjamin O'Connor and Guest Writer

Sex. It’s what everyone wants, right?

Well, not quite. An estimated 1% of the population is asexual, meaning we don’t experience sexual attraction to anyone. There have probably always been asexual people, but it’s only very recently that it has been recognised as an actual orientation, just like the more familiar ones. Asexuality is not the same thing as celibacy, which is voluntary abstinence from sexual activity by someone who may or may not be sexual to begin with. It’s also not the same thing as a low libido disorder. Someone with a libido disorder is generally unhappy about it and seeks treatment, whereas most asexual people are quite content with the way they are wired up. Some of us, admittedly, sometimes get annoyed or frustrated about other people’s attitudes to the way we’re wired up, but I think you all know that tune.

The main thing to remember about asexual people is that we are very diverse. Some of us don’t form romantic relationships either, and are therefore called aromantic. For the rest of us, there’s a romantic orientation to match every sexual orientation you can think of. A romantic asexual may be heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, and on top of that either monoromantic or polyromantic. However, the big difference between sexual and asexual people is that there’s no overall majority when it comes to orientation. Heteroromantic asexuals are just one of a number of fairly evenly balanced minorities. There is also a much higher incidence of gender questioning among asexual people than among sexual people, so asexual people are about as likely as not to be genderqueer, genderfluid, non-gendered, or generally non-binary. This makes asexual groups interesting and colourful places.

Are we discriminated against? Sadly, and no doubt unsurprisingly, the answer is yes, but it is not quite as simple as that. For one thing, there is no disputing that on average we don’t face anything like as much discrimination as LGBT people do, a fact which is at least partly because we are not so well known as an orientation. That said, discrimination against us seems to be increasing as people become aware that we exist, and the people who discriminate against us tend to be the same people who discriminate against LGBT people. Prejudices have a habit of coming in clusters, as this article demonstrates. It also varies extremely widely among individuals. Extreme forms of discrimination such as violence and ‘corrective’ rape can happen, but are mercifully rare (not that this is any consolation to the unfortunate people who have suffered them); but I know very few people who have not at some point been either treated as a freak due to their asexuality or had its existence flatly denied. This is especially true for younger asexual people, because it is so much taken for granted that everyone at that age has sex. Possibly the commonest microaggression levelled at young asexual people is ‘Oh, you just haven’t found the right person yet’, followed closely by ‘How do you know if you’ve never tried it?’ (To which, incidentally, the usual retort is ‘Then how do you know you’re not gay if you’ve never tried it?’, which seems reasonable to me.) It is also not uncommon for asexual people to be creeped on by people who think they can ‘convert’ them to their own flavour of sexuality, in exactly the same way that some straight people creep on gay people.

Having said that, many asexual people do experience little or no discrimination, especially if they are older or in, say, a work environment which does not encourage internal dating. The world being what it unfortunately is, this is particularly true of those who can pass as cis-straight – heteroromantic or aromantic asexuals who are not obviously gender-nonconforming in any way. This brings up two major considerations. The first of these is that, while there is no doubt that most asexual people who suffer discrimination do so because they are asexual, there are also some who are primarily catching it because they are partly or wholly homoromantic, or because they cause offence to the gender police.

This immediately leads to the second consideration, which is this: how do asexual people fit into the queer movement as a whole? As you may well have guessed from reading so far, there is no simple answer to that one, since it depends very much on the individual. Many asexual people fit in naturally for reasons other than asexuality, but equally many do not. Consequently, every now and then, pretty much any asexual group you care to name will have a long and ultimately inconclusive debate about whether or not we, as an asexual movement in general, need to be more involved or less involved with the LGBT movement.

My personal opinion, for what it’s worth, is that we all need allies, and joining forces as far as possible would be awesome. I’m happy to say that the organisers of the Pride parade in this area feel the same way. But then I have an obvious bias, in that I’m non-gendered as well as asexual, so right away I don’t fit in the majority cis-straight box. I realise that, and I’m fully aware that someone who is just asexual, not queer in any of the more commonly accepted senses, may well be uneasy about wanting to join in with LGBT groups, either through fear of rejection or simply because they just don’t feel they have anything significant in common. For people like this, the division between ‘sexual’ and ‘asexual’ is more important than the division between ‘cis-straight’ and ‘everyone else’. And, clearly, everyone has the right to decide on the relative importance of different lines for themselves.

Because of all this, you, as LGBT people, are much more likely to find yourselves dealing with the odd one or two asexual people who are interested in joining your group than with an ace group that would like to do a joint venture (although this does happen). I am, of course, talking about physical groups here rather than online ones, since there are several online groups and dating sites catering specifically to asexual people. If you get anyone like this, I would like to encourage you to welcome them. If they have come to you, it is because they identify with you in some way, albeit partially. They may have faced discrimination, or they may be afraid to come out to friends or family because they know they are likely to face it if they do. They will be looking for empathy, but they will also be able to empathise with your own experiences.

They may also be feeling very isolated. This is extremely common among asexual people, partly because we’re such a low percentage of the population in the first place, but also because asexual people are not always aware that they are asexual; a fact to which I can testify from my personal experience, which is not by any means unique. I was in my late forties when the penny finally dropped, and, when it did, nobody who knew me at all well was surprised. I think I must have been the last person to work it out. Up to that point, I had not even known asexuality was a thing, and, since I am (very occasionally) romantically attracted to people of the gender opposite to the one I was assigned at birth, I assumed I was straight by default. It was just that I’d gone through my entire life wondering why everyone else seemed to want to make such a big deal of sex! This, incidentally, is why the 1% figure I quoted at the beginning of this article is only an estimate, although it is the best one we have at the moment. When not everyone has even heard of asexuality, it becomes quite hard to tell exactly who is and is not asexual. Hence many asexual people say that they are the only person of their kind in their area; this is unlikely to be true unless the area is very sparsely populated, but it may take a very long time to find out otherwise. I live in a city with a population of just over half a million people, and have only in the last week discovered another asexual person in it.

In conclusion: we’re here. Some of us are undoubtedly queer. Whether asexuality is, in itself, queer or not is something that not even we can agree about; but we are highly diverse, and that does tend to mean that even those of us who don’t see ourselves as queer are usually very accepting of people who do, both in the asexual community and outside it. Some of us identify with the LGBT community to a greater or lesser extent, and others don’t. But all of us – even those who least identify as queer in any way – need to feel that we are accepted for who we are, just like any other human being; and, like you, we don’t always get that acceptance when we need it.

Sarah McEvoy is a freelance writer, proofreader and occasional translator based in the north of England with a strong interest in trans issues.

The article is here

[noregrets]

iiiiiiiiiinteresting.

[ThaHoward]

Cool! ^_^

[alto]

Brilliant!

[AnomalyEternal]

Fantastic :)

[Grasshopper]

I like the way this piece explains asexuality and just how isolating it can be to identify as asexual in today's society.

My only critique is that the author seems to be, in his appeal to the lgbtq community, dismissing lgbtq+ community acceptance of heteroromantic and aromantic asexuals. It's like he's saying that heteroromantic and aromantic asexuals do not sexually deviate from the heterosexual norm because of their romantic orientation and in spite of their sexual orientation. I understand that it the lgbtq community is more likely to adopt romantically homo- and biromantic asexuals because it is more similar their own sexual identities, but romantic orientation should not be grounds for exclusion of someone who is identifying as asexual. It's like saying that someone cannot be part of the lgbtq community because their gender identity doesn't fit a certain mould.

[theotherfey]

I like it :)

[Member54880]

For the most part, this article is very good, aside from citing that very flawed discrimination study.

[TheJaneWay]

Interesting, thanks for sharing! :)

[Ziggy_G]

>like<

(get it, like facebook!#terriblejokes#pretendingImOnTwitternow#TooMuchSocialMedia#SomeonePleaseStopMe)

[kassafrass]

I feel likes this article (in my opinion) did a really great job in in explaining asexuality and it's association with the LBTQ community.

[shadowsax]

You don't even know how much you just helped me with my presentation for class by posting this article. A QUADRILLION THANKS TO YOU!