What exactly is the difference between friendship and romantic attraction?

[test account]

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[Kitty Spoon Train]

Claims of ownership; instrumentalization; loss of autonomous functionality.

*grumpy "I hate limerence" post #437* <_<

My stock standard version of this litmus test is similar: Claim of ownership, regulation of access, and completion.

If I want to make someone mine, feel the need to jealously "guard" them, and that "securing" them into some fixed rigid role in my life will "complete" me - I know it's limerence. On the other hand: if I can fully respect their freedom, independence, and individual identity, and cherish whatever brings fulfilment and joy to their life (whether it involves me or not), I know I love them.

Deep friendship is much closer to true love than limerence is, at any rate...

Because it doesn't make a huge practical difference for me anyway, I don't recognize a clear distinction between friendship and romance in my own relationships. For me, intimate relationships are based in friendships, not something entirely separate from them.

I've certainly experienced some spectacularly desperate limerence in the past (and correspondingly spectacularly clingy and toxic relationships), but now that I've consciously stepped back from that, the difference has gotten quite fuzzy for me too. There are still certain - somewhat "romantically coded" - behaviours which I'd only do with some people and not others, but they don't really feel like a game changer - like something that deserves to be clearly labelled a whole other type of relationship. It's more like just a different flavour of feelings than a whole different category of love.

The most challenging thing in overcoming limerence was this: realising that love is a choice. It's not something you "fall into", it's something you consciously channel. And yes, it sometimes does mean going against what "feels right", or what society would classify as this or that type of relationship or appropriate way to do things. That said, the litmus test above has been pretty much foolproof for me. I'm quite confident that I'll never arse up a great friendship over limerent feelings ever again.

A good friendship is far more valuable than the fleeting intoxication of limerence, after all.

[moonmagegrl]

A lot of my friends are guys, especially the ones i'm closest with, but I don't have romantic feelings for them. The thought of being romantic with them feels awkward or can creep me out.

Also I feel that romantic relationships work out better starting as friends. To me, it would feel really awkward being in a relationship with someone i barely know.

[Guest]

The most challenging thing in overcoming limerence was this: realising that love is a choice. It's not something you "fall into", it's something you consciously channel.

I'd say love is the default state that lies hidden behind all the preconceptions, neuroses, and prejudices we habitually block it with... the conscious part about it just boils down to actively working towards unclogging these pathways. :)

Of course I'm far away from that ideal (though a lot closer than I was ten, let alone twenty, years ago), but I'd guess a completely sane and sober hypothetical person would indeed love everyone they encounter equally and unconditionally (and, of course, they'd never fall into limerence with any single person among those loved ones... sanity makes that completely impossible ;) :P).

[kulosle]

I'm pretty sure there isn't a difference. All the label does is let both parties know you feel comfortable getting as close to them as possible. I enter relationships with people only because it's usually the only way they'll agree to such things. If my friends would let me, in fact i have one such friend, i would stare into their eyes in comfortable silence. In all honesty I never want the title of boyfriend/girlfriend it implies too much and confuses everyone involved. When all it really means, all it should me, is that I want to know absolutely everything about this person and i'll still love them at the end of the day. But that is how i feel about my friends. It's just uncomfortable for some, well most, people to do that without the label. Because you don't know for sure that both parties are attempting the same thing without it.

The emperors new cloths comes to mind. No one was saying anything about the king being naked because they didn't know no one else couldn't. Until the kid said it. Everyone shuts up and closes in, when they don't know whether or not it's socially acceptable. Until it becomes shared knowledge, the label, people will be uncertain. I've tried to eliminate this by asking my friends if they want to work on being as close and open with each other as possible. I've only done this with two people as of yet, the first was a straight male so it made him uncomfortable. But the second time so far is going amazingly well, infinitely better than expected.

[NualaCatrionaMarie]

I have always been SO frustrated with people who say something along the lines of, "Love is friendship + sex." I always rolled my eyes and pitied those poor people for being so sex-obsessed and not knowing what true love is. I think that, if you're like me and are definitely a romantic person, you just know. I could even describe it as what I thought was sexual attraction but apparently isn't. But good heavens, I've always thought if a person thinks love = sex and nothing more, that person is in a sad, sad place. :P

[Jax826]

for me, I have no desire to snuggle on a couch with my friends, no matter how good of friends they are. Romantic attraction, to me, comes from a much deeper mental, emotional, and spiritual connection. You 'just know' when you instantly connect with someone. That has drawn me to someone far more than the physical container the person may be in. While my close friends are awesome and practically family, I have no desire to be 'that close' to them whereas with romantic attraction, I'm aware of a shift in how I feel.