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What exactly is the difference between friendship and romantic attraction?


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I tried asking this to my one friend, who is sexual, and she said that the only difference between friendship and attraction is wanting to have sex with the person. Obviously that distinction can't exist for me. In my experience, any friend I've had of the opposite gender (I THINK I'm heteroromantic) has become an object of a romantic attraction. For us asexuals, what is the difference between a close friend and someone you want to date?

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Don't worry about it :P

Seriously though. Attraction is complicated, everyone experiences it differently (sexuals and asexuals alike), and language is just there to put everything into boxes.

If you want to chat more about this, feel free to message me! :)

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romantic-woman

Yeah i hate it when one of my friends told me that the difference between romantism and friendship is sex. For me romantism has absolutely nothing to do with sex. I can say that for us the line is the difference on our feelings. I don't have a heartbeating for my friend for example , it is just another kind of love...

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I am asexual, and in a romantic relationship. The differences for me are many-fold. ^_^

Friend: Someone I have a coffee with every now and then, have a chat to, have a laugh with, get some advice from. No desire to kiss, touch, hold hands, or be intimate in any way with a friend (that would dodge me out as much as it would dodge them out, haha *shudder*). A friend just a human, that I talk to, who I find funny and interesting. I do not mind if I do not see them for weeks on end, I am happy to just say ''hello, how are you?'' when I see them. I do not look at my friends photos and think ''your lips look so kissable'' haha... that would be dodgy and weird and is just something I could never feel for a friend. No desire to meet AVEN friends.

Romantic partner: My best friend, AND, someone I felt a deep emotional attraction to almost as soon as I met them. I feel warm, sweet, butterflies when I talk to them (even before we were in a relationship, just logging into AVEN and seeing that they were online would give me a million butterflies all at once hehe) ... before we were in a relationship (ie 'just friend' status) I kept thinking about them, wondering what they were doing, if they were okay... and was soooo excited about coming on AVEN and seeing them again.. Now that we are in a relationship, I feel this.. hmm.. deep warm emotional ache in my heart, every time I talk to them.. I always want to be kissing/snuggling/cuddling with them, and to have intimate time with them (ie, more than kissing and cuddling.. but no sex.. hmm.. heavy petting, is maybe a good word?? I don't know what you would call it haha) ...Even before we were in a relationship, I would see their pic and think how nice it would be to kiss and cuddle them, and how I would love to cook for them, make them cups of coffee, snuggle on the couch with them while we watch TV, care for them when they are sick, hehe... This is someone whom I want to cuddle at night and watch DVD's with, someone who will be there for a cuddle in the morning.. just, argh, so much more than friendship!! sooo much more... the feelings are so deep, the wants, the needs for cuddles and snuggles are so strong. And wanting to meet them, well, the thought terrifies me, because I am worried about not being 'good enough', but at the same time, I know that meeting each other will be... amazing :wub:

. . .

I tried explaining this to a female in AVEN chat who was asking this same question, and she kept saying that she didn't see how my romantic relationship was any different from how people behave with their close friends, or something along those lines. In my opinion, if all that is what you are doing with/feeling for, your close friends, then you are poly (can feel romantic love for more than one person at a time).. as opposed to 'just friends' with all the people you are kissing/cuddling etc...(nothing wrong with being poly, of course!!) I myself, however, am categorically mono :P (I would never hold hands with, cuddle, or kiss anyone other than the one person I am in love with, just the thought makes me cringe) hehe

Does this help answer your question? ^_^

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Feelings. For me, personally, gender is a large part of it. I'm hetero-romantic but I can be friends with anyone.

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If the only difference between friendship and romantic attraction is wanting to have sex with the person, what about friends with benefits? :blink:

Anyway, I think
PanFicto~Aotearoan already explained it quite well. ^^

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asexynerdygal

I haven't been in an asexual romantic relationship, though I am very open to one.. but what I would like is a partner, I want everything that people have in a romantic sexual relationship without the sexual component

if this posted more than once I apologize I'm having computer issues

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Fire & Rain

I'm not clear about it either especially if it's between a romantic partner and a best friend. As for me I don't like romance even though I might have romantic feelings for someone. So the things I hate could be the differences. From my experience

- romantic partners are more psychically affectionate towards each other

- they want to know where their romantic partner is and what they are doing at the moment.

- they daydream about their romantic partner.

- hang out with their romantic partner every chance they get.

- like to do small romantic gestures like giving flowers and gifts, etc.

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asexynerdygal

I don't know, maybe it's me but I think a romantic partner should also be your best friend.. I really think this is much less complicated in an asexual relationship

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ThePaperRose

I haven't really been able to figure this out yet. I do agree that your romantic partner has to be your best friend first and last... other than that... yeah. I'm heteromantic, so my partner would be a guy... I dunno. I don't typically cuddle with my friends, but with a partner it would be all of the cuddletimes :)

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asexynerdygal

I'm more bi romantic (theoretically, I'm attracted to women but have never dated one), I like cuddling and some closed mouth kissing but that's about it .. though I would compromise for a partner I loved

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WhenSummersGone

Sex has nothing to do with romantic attraction, just sexual attraction. Also adding sex would make it friends with benefits to those people who say sex is the difference. Romantic attraction is more about "in love" feelings rather than just loving a friend. Companionship is also romantic to me, like someone you want to make a life with, marry or even have kids with. I only cuddle, kiss and hold hands with romantic partners so those things are romantic to me. Walks on the beach and any other things like that that don't need to include sex.

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Now, I know a few long married, older couples, and thinking about their relationship, I wonder, when Father Time makes use loose our hair, robs us of our best looking physical features, makes our body parts saggy and sexually unappealing, and makes us sexually un-functional - does that mean that there is no possibility of romance in the relationship ? Is it then just a friendship ?

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asexynerdygal

I don't know I've known a couple of elderly couples that play grab as..er butt from their wheelchairs and still hold hands .. it's sweet .. I think the friendship needs to be there first.. when I was trying dating, before i knew about what an ace was I would always tell folks I need to get to know you slowly and most just didn't want any part of that.. people want to jump in so quickly these days

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Amoeba-Proteus

I'm still working this out, but here's my experience so far:

Friend - Someone I like to hang with once in a while, maybe chill at the pub, get some lunch, etc. Someone I can talk to or ask advice from on most topics. Have a couple laughs... Etc.

Partner - Only person so far who I actually find really comforting (friends are comforting to an extent, but the issue lingers after...), who I can talk to about those more serious, personal, or sensitive topics with. Someone I find I miss more than others when they're gone for an extended period of time. Someone I like and care about on a deeper level than most people. Someone who, when I can tell something's bothering/upsetting them, drives me NUTS, because I know they're upset and it makes me upset, more than other friends. Someone I don't mind (and sometimes like) holding hands with, cuddling with, and maybe sharing a kiss with once in a while. Someone who can make me smile quicker and easier than most friends. Someone who causes that... feeling in your heart. I don't really know how to describe it, but anyone who's felt it knows what I'm referring to. It's like a warm burning or something... Someone I feel like I'd want to protect should anything bad happen... Someone I'd be willing to do most things for to see them happy (not sexual things...) Etc. I could keep going but I'll stop here.

I suppose in general, I'd say a partner is someone you share a deeper emotional connection with than a friend.

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Amoeba-Proteus

I feel this.. hmm.. deep warm emotional ache in my heart, every time I talk to them..

This is what I was trying to get at with the heart thing...

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openatheclose

Now, I know a few long married, older couples, and thinking about their relationship, I wonder, when Father Time makes use loose our hair, robs us of our best looking physical features, makes our body parts saggy and sexually unappealing, and makes us sexually un-functional - does that mean that there is no possibility of romance in the relationship ? Is it then just a friendship ?

What? Of course not. Physical attractiveness has nothing to do with friendship, nor does it have any influence on romantic attraction.

At least for me.

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openatheclose

I'm still working this out, but here's my experience so far:Friend - Someone I like to hang with once in a while, maybe chill at the pub, get some lunch, etc. Someone I can talk to or ask advice from on most topics. Have a couple laughs... Etc.Partner - Only person so far who I actually find really comforting (friends are comforting to an extent, but the issue lingers after...), who I can talk to about those more serious, personal, or sensitive topics with. Someone I find I miss more than others when they're gone for an extended period of time. Someone I like and care about on a deeper level than most people. Someone who, when I can tell something's bothering/upsetting them, drives me NUTS, because I know they're upset and it makes me upset, more than other friends. Someone I don't mind (and sometimes like) holding hands with, cuddling with, and maybe sharing a kiss with once in a while. Someone who can make me smile quicker and easier than most friends. Someone who causes that... feeling in your heart. I don't really know how to describe it, but anyone who's felt it knows what I'm referring to. It's like a warm burning or something... Someone I feel like I'd want to protect should anything bad happen... Someone I'd be willing to do most things for to see them happy (not sexual things...) Etc. I could keep going but I'll stop here.

I suppose in general, I'd say a partner is someone you share a deeper emotional connection with than a friend.

Uh, that right there (minus anything physical) is my friend and me exactly...

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Azure.Providence

I'm still working this out, but here's my experience so far:Friend - Someone I like to hang with once in a while, maybe chill at the pub, get some lunch, etc. Someone I can talk to or ask advice from on most topics. Have a couple laughs... Etc.Partner - Only person so far who I actually find really comforting (friends are comforting to an extent, but the issue lingers after...), who I can talk to about those more serious, personal, or sensitive topics with. Someone I find I miss more than others when they're gone for an extended period of time. Someone I like and care about on a deeper level than most people. Someone who, when I can tell something's bothering/upsetting them, drives me NUTS, because I know they're upset and it makes me upset, more than other friends. Someone I don't mind (and sometimes like) holding hands with, cuddling with, and maybe sharing a kiss with once in a while. Someone who can make me smile quicker and easier than most friends. Someone who causes that... feeling in your heart. I don't really know how to describe it, but anyone who's felt it knows what I'm referring to. It's like a warm burning or something... Someone I feel like I'd want to protect should anything bad happen... Someone I'd be willing to do most things for to see them happy (not sexual things...) Etc. I could keep going but I'll stop here.

I suppose in general, I'd say a partner is someone you share a deeper emotional connection with than a friend.

Uh, that right there (minus anything physical) is my friend and me exactly...

Yeah, my friend and I share most of that description too. We seek each other out for comfort, we talk about anything no matter how personal or serious, we sometimes miss each other, we care about one another deeply, we don't like it when the other is upset and can tell right away, we sometimes hold hands and kiss (on the cheek), we love to make each other smile, we are very protective of one another, we take care of one another if we are injured, we leave each other little gifts and cute notes, and there isn't much we wouldn't do for one another.

My friend is a very romantic sexual person and we have talked about our love for one another and the above description falls squarely in the category of friendship to us. She feels different when she is with her boyfriend than she does with me and they have a very different kind of relationship but that doesn't mean she treats me as inferior. Most of the descriptions in this thread makes it sound like worthwhile human contact is only attainable in the context of a romantic relationship which makes me both sad and grateful I actually have such a great friend that doesn't treat me like I am inferior to her SO.

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DaughterOfCoul

For me personally, it's about how I feel when I'm around the friend/romantic interest. In a friendship, when I hang out with them I feel happy and relaxed, like anyone would. With a romantic interest, I et that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling that tween romance novels always wax poetic about. In the end, only you can decide what makes them a friend or a dating prospect, but for me it is how they make me feel inside that determines it.

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It's pretty subjective. Many of the ways in which people usually differentiate between the two aren't really applicable to my experience. For some people, romantic feelings are easily distinguishable from nonromantic ones, but it's not so clear-cut for me. I can grow to feel deeply affectionate toward people whom I consider close friends, but it's hard to say when or if those feelings ever become "romantic." In terms of desires and behaviors, things are similarly unclear for me. I can enjoy sharing physical affection in the context of friendship, for instance, so that doesn't serve as a distinguishing factor. Exclusivity doesn't either, since I'm polyamorous/RA.

Because it doesn't make a huge practical difference for me anyway, I don't recognize a clear distinction between friendship and romance in my own relationships. For me, intimate relationships are based in friendships, not something entirely separate from them. Friendship itself can potentially encompass a fairly wide range of feelings/behaviors. Friends are important to me, and I only tend to refer to someone as a friend when I genuinely care for them. But that's just my take on the question - as you can see from the thread, this is something that varies a lot between people. :)

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Romantic attraction: Pounding heart on viewing object of romantic attraction.

Friendship: Nope.

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Fire & Rain

 

Partner - Only person so far who I actually find really comforting (friends are comforting to an extent, but the issue lingers after...), who I can talk to about those more serious, personal, or sensitive topics with. Someone I find I miss more than others when they're gone for an extended period of time. Someone I like and care about on a deeper level than most people. Someone who, when I can tell something's bothering/upsetting them, drives me NUTS, because I know they're upset and it makes me upset, more than other friends. Someone I don't mind (and sometimes like) holding hands with, cuddling with, and maybe sharing a kiss with once in a while. Someone who can make me smile quicker and easier than most friends. Someone who causes that... feeling in your heart. I don't really know how to describe it, but anyone who's felt it knows what I'm referring to. It's like a warm burning or something... Someone I feel like I'd want to protect should anything bad happen... Someone I'd be willing to do most things for to see them happy (not sexual things...) Etc. I could keep going but I'll stop here.

I suppose in general, I'd say a partner is someone you share a deeper emotional connection with than a friend.

 

I had a friend who was close to that even though we were friends and they were no sexual attraction between us. There might have been romantic attraction. I'm not sure. Being a gray-aromantic and someone who's not into romantic gestures the lines between my friendships and romantic relationships are always blurred. I cared more about that friend and was closer to them both emotionally and psychically than my romantic partner at that time.

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Fire & Rain

It's pretty subjective. Many of the ways in which people usually differentiate between the two aren't really applicable to my experience. For some people, romantic feelings are easily distinguishable from nonromantic ones, but it's not so clear-cut for me. I can grow to feel deeply affectionate toward people whom I consider close friends, but it's hard to say when or if those feelings ever become "romantic." In terms of desires and behaviors, things are similarly unclear for me. I can enjoy sharing physical affection in the context of friendship, for instance, so that doesn't serve as a distinguishing factor. Exclusivity doesn't either, since I'm polyamorous/RA.

Because it doesn't make a huge practical difference for me anyway, I don't recognize a clear distinction between friendship and romance in my own relationships. For me, intimate relationships are based in friendships, not something entirely separate from them. Friendship itself can potentially encompass a fairly wide range of feelings/behaviors. Friends are important to me, and I only tend to refer to someone as a friend when I genuinely care for them. But that's just my take on the question - as you can see from the thread, this is something that varies a lot between people. :)

That's exactly how I am with my "relationships". It's not clear for me either.

 

Partner - Only person so far who I actually find really comforting (friends are comforting to an extent, but the issue lingers after...), who I can talk to about those more serious, personal, or sensitive topics with. Someone I find I miss more than others when they're gone for an extended period of time. Someone I like and care about on a deeper level than most people. Someone who, when I can tell something's bothering/upsetting them, drives me NUTS, because I know they're upset and it makes me upset, more than other friends. Someone I don't mind (and sometimes like) holding hands with, cuddling with, and maybe sharing a kiss with once in a while. Someone who can make me smile quicker and easier than most friends. Someone who causes that... feeling in your heart. I don't really know how to describe it, but anyone who's felt it knows what I'm referring to. It's like a warm burning or something... Someone I feel like I'd want to protect should anything bad happen... Someone I'd be willing to do most things for to see them happy (not sexual things...) Etc. I could keep going but I'll stop here.

I suppose in general, I'd say a partner is someone you share a deeper emotional connection with than a friend.

 

I had a friend who was close to that even though we were friends and they were no sexual attraction between us. There might have been romantic attraction. I'm not sure. Being a gray-aromantic and someone who's not into romantic gestures the lines between my friendships and romantic relationships are always blurred. I cared more about that friend and was closer to them both emotionally and psychically than my romantic partner at that time.

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Its a funny question really, I think its different for different people, I have people whom are my good friends and whom I like to cuddle up to and such and some of the I think are lovely aesthetically but they are just cuddly friends

I classify romantic attraction personally as someone who I want to have a relationship with. Not a sexual relationship, but some sort of relationship. With a certain level of commitment to them, some sort of dedicated partnership. My feeling towards them usually seem a bit more them-focused then my friendships with are more us focused. I'm a bit more smitten a bit more tender and affectionate and I don't know more loving. I do sometimes have these feelings towards friends but the main divider for me is that I want to have some sort of recognized partnership with them, turn me and you into an established us and single them out as my favorite and I want them to be around me just them and me for a long time.

(>>Realizing that by my own definition I have romantic attraction to my plant.<<>>Not caring and wonding if I can make him a facebook profile so we can become facebook official??<<<>>Wonders if this level of weirdness is too much even for this community<<>>hopes not<<)

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I think it's different for me. I think I'm gray-romantic so I usually don't like anyone. But there was a guy recently and I liked him like I like my friends but more. I wanted to hang out with him more than other friends, hug him, cuddle etc. I didn't feel the heart thing or butterflies (at least not often) and I never was thinking about kissing him. Then he brought it up and and I thought more about it and I probably would like it. When we kissed it wasn't like how some people feel it in their hearts and it was like the best thing ever. I don't know if that's weird. But basically when I was with him all my worries, problems, and nervousness disappeared. That's how I judged that I at the least had a little crush on him.

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If the question has to be asked, then the asker has never been attracted to someone.

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Touchofinsight

Your never going to get a consensus definition on romance/friendship quite honestly. Whats important is what it means to the individual.

For her, the barrier between friendship and romance is sex, pretty ordinary answer but I honestly can't see anything wrong with it. There will always be gray areas with definitions too. *shrugs*

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In my experiences, relationships with others, be they just friendships or romantic ones, are, in all honesty, case based scenarios. Every single one is different in one way or another, so the difference between the two will most likely come down to how you yourself define it.

For me, my friends are people that I enjoy hanging around every now and then. Close friends are ones I know I can discuss life problems with and get support and/or constructive criticism (makes more sense in our circle I think). Life also often feels easier when I'm with my close firends, since we could take those things on as a group.

The woman I have romantic feelings for is a close friend, but I can also share anything with her, even those dark and strange things that's normally kept to one's self, and I know she'll listen. And I not only will, but kind of cherish doing the same for her. I also don't have to talk about what's bugging me, or what has me down, since I can just look in her eyes and feel it all just evaporate away. I also smile a lot, often not even realizing it, when I'm with her. She's also the only person that I really cuddle with, and it always makes that warm feeling on the inside.
We also call each other 'honey' (it is spelled like the food when applied to people, right?), which we wouldn't ever call any of our other friends, but I think that one might come after the line is drawn.

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