Coming out fears

[aymiee]

Hey guys! so first of all hello :D i#m new here ^^ I'm 22 philosophy student, currently residing in vienna (austria) and identify as hetero-romantic asexual. :D

right so lets get to it xD

I'm so terrified about coming out to my parents, esp. my mom.

I don't think she'd understand that my asexuality is my orientation and not some sort of "problem" I've been dragging on from my past.

I do have some nasty history, and to be honest most of it still affects me in my everyday life. But even tho there is some sort of sexual assault in my past i don't think is has anything to do with my asexuality since I've always felt alienated by the whole concept of it.

I did have 2 boyfriends in the past one pre and one post- assault and the where entirely different relationships but due to so many other reasons. I mean I was like 15/16 with my first bf and then 21/22 with my other one. Since I found out about AVEN a couple months back and discovered that what I'm feeling isn't some effect of my PTPD, I feel so much lighter and so much happier with myself but I'm still terrified as to how, when and even if I should come out to my family and friends.

I'm sorry if most of this doesn't make any sense but it seems that my brain isn't capable of putting my thoughts into a straight line atm.

Does anyone else feel similar things or can give me a nudge into which direction I should go?!

hope you're all well and at least one of you can make sense out of this :)

xx

[Zerο]

People here have had both good and bad experiences with coming out. The best thing to do is analyze the people around you because you'll be the best predictor of their response. At the very least, weigh the pros and cons of coming out to decide what works best for your situation.

[Wayfare Angel]

I get it, really I do. I had to tell my mother five times that I was a lesbian, and even then she didn't fully believe me. I am dredding having to come out AGAIN. Just know that good or bad, we'll be here for you. Don't do anything that doesn't make you feel safe, either. Coming out is great, but it can also be pretty dang dangerous.

[aymiee]

thanks! both of you!

and thank you very much wayfareangel I'll try to keep that in mind! just with my mom I don't know whether its better to hit her with my asexuality which she won't be able to place and definitely won't understand or keep her i the never-ending worry that I'm not with anyone because i'm depressed and or unhappy O.O

[thatotherguy57]

I can understand being reluctant to come out to family. I won't come out to most of my family because I know they will not understand. I have two cousins that I feel relatively comfortable with the idea of coming out to, and my mom, but in her case, it's because I'm almost certain she thinks I'm gay, and I'm sure she has for a long time, not because I think she's going to have an easy time understanding it. So far, I'm out to only two friends, and they were both the safest people for me to come out as asexual to.

[A shard of glass]

Personally I'm terrified of coming out, especially to my friends, but I think that my family will try to bully me into believing that asexuality doesn't exist. They're too old fashioned and have REALLY black and white views on sexuality, they know that heterosexuality and homosexuality are real things, but I don't know how understanding they would be if they found out about my sexuality.

[KevCo]

I *thought* I had explained it my parents, and a number of other people, and I'm never sure how much it sinks in. A good friend recently asked me about it, about 6 years after it first came up, and he always thought I was joking. I get that it's so scary to bring up, and being worried that some people may not respond well. However, there is a strong chance of them under-reacting (if that is a thing) rather than over-reacting. That's a theme you may find a lot throughout this site, and that can be a good thing.

A good tactic in general for bringing up conversations that may be challenging to others is to start with "I" rather than "you." Starting with something like "I feel right now that..." might likely come across more softly Using words like "you should understand that..." will make a more serious impact...

I am usually soft with bringing up the topic and it probably gets the idea across less effectively, but it spares the fireworks (such as people asking if I'm covering up something else about my sexuality or "how could you do this to us?" which are the reactions I want to avoid). Many people are much more direct about their feelings and it seems like it pays off by getting their point across. I don't think my family understands and it's just emotionally easier for me to keep a low profile, which seems to be the historic tendency of asexual people.

Always remember you have a right to your feelings and to be proud of who you are.

[Wayfare Angel]

thanks! both of you!

and thank you very much wayfareangel I'll try to keep that in mind! just with my mom I don't know whether its better to hit her with my asexuality which she won't be able to place and definitely won't understand or keep her i the never-ending worry that I'm not with anyone because i'm depressed and or unhappy O.O

Got your back, jack. KevCo has some great advice in the post just above me. Shock tactics and demands rarely go over well. If it makes you feel better, my mom was the only person who didn't respond with 'ya think?' when I came out as a lesbian. I'm finding that's a reoccurring trend as I come out as a homoromantic asexual...

My best advice is that if something feels really, really wrong, it's best not to do it. I'm Canadian, so my concern is always about the safety of people when they come out in other countries, since I'm not sure what the tolerance levels are. You know your situation best. Listen to it, and be safe.

I'll echo what KevCo said, because it's very important: You have every right to your feelings, and to be who you are. You don't have to do any of this alone.

[A shard of glass]

My parents are always asking who I'm trying to hook up with... It's really not their business and next time they ask me I'll just let them know that it isn't any of their business... My sexuality and relationships should be a private thing, but the problem is that nowadays privacy doesn't exist because everyone is just too damn paranoid, I hate it

[aymiee]

thanks for all the great advice! all of you!

I'm still unsure about the topic but I think I'll take all your advice and just do what feels comfortable...

THANKS!!!!

[acesit]

Hmm. I've come out to my closest friends, my therapist, and one other person. But it was either completely natural to tell them (as in the case of my friends) or seemed like otherwise a good idea (therapist, other person).

With my family, it's sort of up in the air for me currently--I don't know if I want to come out to them, or if it's even really necessary? If there ever seems to be an opportunity where I feel like it's relevant to tell them, or necessary, I absolutely will.

I second just doing what you're comfortable with doing.

[Wayfare Angel]

Honestly, it isn't necessary for everyone to come out. It's a highly personal thing, and thus a personal choice. I'm out because I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it's hard for me to conceal facets of myself. Some people are fine keeping it private. Again, it's about comfort. Everyone likes being comfy ^_^ Well, most of the time, anyway...

[editingatwork]

Agreed with the above post. I haven't come out to my friends or family yet, although I've only known I'm asexual for ten days, so I'm giving myself time to get used to it, first. I'll probably come out to my friends, just 'cause I'd like to share this with them. I have supportive and open-minded friends whom I'm not at all expecting criticism from (half of them are on tumblr and reblog asexuality-positive stuff anyway). If anything, I'd like them to know so if I need to talk about it, they'll know where I'm coming from.

My family, I may or may not tell. There's no huge pressure on me to get married, or have kids, (especially since my two older sisters have already done both) and it's not like my family will pry into my sex life (or lack thereof) when/if I get into a relationship. So, if it becomes important for me to tell them, I will, but it's not a pressing issue of mine right now.

[A shard of glass]

I now have a girlfriend, but IDK if I should, I really like her, and the way my sexuality is, I appear heterosexual to the untrained eye, and by untrained, I mean that you wouldn't be able to tell unless I told you... Personally it doesn't matter to me that much whether or not I should or would come out to my current girlfriend. I made the horrendous mistake last night of looking at my exes facebook profile :'( she looked so much happier without me :'(... But oh well, not like she means much to me anymore because she's just stopped talking to me full stop... It's kind of unfair, but I feel that I should still tell my previous partners as some of them may be confused about why we broke up... Ok I know I'm clingy as gum on the pavement, but I'm not perverted.... Just very parenoid...

Sorry, I was rambling a bit... Ok a LOT, and there I go again...

Anyway, I feel that society should have grown up by now to the point that aces like us should be accepted with ease...

No offence intended at all here, but there are no religious texts or laws against asexuality as far as I'm aware of, so technically, nobody should or reasonably could have any problems with you being ace... But I do feel that in some way, if my parents found out or my friends, I'd probably be avoided because I'm "weird" and admitting that you're not heterosexual is a big thing anyway, but saying that you're ace can be harder for some people because we're part of a minority, very few people actually identify as ace or demisexual or anything that people are on aven.

[aymiee]

Yeah youre right it "should" be no problem but the thing is if/when i come out, what the majority of people would probably say is that "asexuality is not a thing" i did tell a few friends so far, mostly people i don't know too well since i don't have to be afarid what they think, and some took it very well, were interested and everything but some just literally didn't believe me!!! I don't know why that buggs me so much but i find it absolutely infuriating!!!

[A shard of glass]

I find it quite annoying too, a few years back I made the assumption that I was asexual and I remember telling a close friend...

His response was something like "No you're not, asexuality only happens to brain-damaged people or people that were born with that kind of disorder"

Personally I was absolutely fuming, I never knew that one of the brightest guys I've ever known could say something both nasty and wrong as well as misguided and blind.

That guy is still a close friend of mine, but I've never tried coming out to him again, I don't want him to offend the lovely aven community here. I nearly came out to another friend but I didn't because I chickened out and I felt that I couldn't do it. It's mainly because I knew that he'd tell everyone he knows, even though he said that he's a good listener.... He's a damn good foghorn...

[Xavy]

My only fear about coming out is that I feel like I have a responsibility to the asexual community to ensure that whenever I come out to people, I give them the right information about asexuality and I don't leave the person with a wrong idea of what asexuality is about. This is why I hesitate about coming out to any more people. So far, it has not been a bad experience with the 4 persons I have come out to.

[writer24]

I have major coming out fears. I'm really affectionate with female friends and uninterested in boyfriends, so I've had a lot of problems being, mistaken for a lesbian. I spent a long time so worried about my family not thinking that I was a lesbian that i didnt get around to realizing I'm aromantic asexual till a couple months ago. During the time when my family kept insisting I was a lesbian my mom actually told me that if her children hadn't been straight she would have disowned them. I assume she targeted this more at being in a sexual relationship with the same gender, but I feel like it means she would not take my asexuality well. Especially since I am looking for a queerplatonic relationship and would not object to a female partner. I'm terrified of how my mother will react because she and I have a great relationship beyond or opposing views on sexualiy. I'm really worried about losing that great bond.

I've come out to a small handful of my friends. Four to be exact, and all of them have been really accepting and really not surprised, but I'm worried to tell the rest of my friends. When I was younger I had issues with people believing I couldn't think for myself. My current best friend is a romantic asexual and I worry that people are going to think I'm only sating I'm around ace because of her and how fond I am of her. (We are only platonic friends but our friend group has a bad tendency of labeling us as a couple because we are so openly affectionate.) I just don't want people to think I'm saying his because of another person. I made this decsion and it had nothing to do with anyone else, but I don't think they'll believe that.

So as you can see I have pretty high anxiety about coming out and will be waiting potentially a long time before really being open about it. I feel it's kind of dishonest because I have to lie a lot when asked about boys and relationships and crushes, but this is what I'm comfortable with right now. Wait as long as you feel is necessary and only tell the people you feel comfortable telling. You really don't have to divulge your sexuality to other people if you don't want to.

(Sorry for the probably large amount of typos in this)

[ThePaperRose]

I came out to my parents awhile ago... it was a very teary session because I was scared and maybe even a bit ashamed :p ... but it went fine. My mom was confused, but accepting. It actually went a lot better than I expected. You never really know how it'll go until you do it ;)

I'm a bit more scared about coming out to my college friends though. So far I haven't felt the need to... it'll probably be on a need-to-know basis. I'm just afraid of all the "you haven't found the right person" or "you just need to try it" comments; I know that a lot of my friends are sexually active. I don't want to have to explain myself over and over and over and over... you get the picture :p

[seelieAce]

Hi, just joined today, I've told most of my friends and they are all really supportive, but I mentioned that I might be ace to my mom a few months ago, and I got the, "Oh you just haven't found someone yet/too young to make a desision" response. From a woman who has told me all of my life that no matter who I love/have a relationship with, so long as it isn't abusive, she will accept me and love me. I've also been talking with my dad a bit, sounding him out you know, and when I asked him when he thought of asexuality as an orientation he replied with, "It's good for worms". So I want to tell them, but I'm worried that they will both regect it offhand, and I know I won't be in any danger or risk getting kicked out, but, I just don't know how they'll react. I think I'm mostly afraid of rejection, them not accepting asexuality as an orientation at all.

[.galaxy]

I come out to those that it's important to come out to. I'm basically out to my mother, I didn't use the word 'asexual' because I didn't want to confuse her. She did however use my laptop after me one day, and AVEN was the last site I was on so naturally it restored the page lol. That nice big header there should have tipped her off..

I'm out to my good friend/emotional brother Raymond but I'm not sure if he 100% believes me as being truly asexual or if he suspects that I'm just a little quirky, he's one of those macho types that goes on about how great sex is and gets all moody when he doesn't get his itch scratched by his wife, if you know what I'm saying...I suspect it's more that he can't think like I do about the same subject, so he just rolls with it. Which is groovy.

The most understanding of the bunch have been my friends Ariel (I think she's bi, although that could have been a jest made by another that I confused for truth, she hasn't confirmed it and has only dated guys since I've known her..) and Terra, her and her husband are quite accepting and understanding, she even came to the conclusion that I was 'romantically straight, sexually ace" before I even told her, of course she has a social science degree so I suspect she may have researched the topic before. My ex was pansexual so I hope she understands now why I am the way I was. But since she desires a strong physical and sexual relationship I wasn't the right one for her.

But like I said, I only come out to the ones that ask or if the whole "Are you gay?" question arises. Other than that I don't see how it's anyone's business or issue but my own, it's not like my rights are as restricted as my fellow LGBTQA friends are...(Well, can't really say restricted...more like..argued...I suppose)

But I'm glad you're feeling that awesome feeling...I described it as a piece of a puzzle clicking into place...a piece that I didn't even know I had to try to find. But I am so much happier with who I am, that I feel epic! I want others to feel this way too, but alas, for some the journey is not so easy...but we're here for them too!