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Asexuality is not "a phase" or a "new trend" - intersexioni.it


ithaca

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A while ago I started this topic and asked questions (via PMs) to some AVENites, whom I will never thank enough for their patience and their awesomeness. :wub:

The end result for you all: (Italian) http://www.intersexioni.it/lasessualita-non-e-una-fase-o-una-nuova-moda/

English version:

Asexuality isn't "a phase" or a "new trend"

As an asexual activist, there are moments I know I will never forget. I know I will never forget a moment, in Verona, after a conference on several LGBTIQ issues where I had the chance to speak for a few minutes about asexuality: I was looking at the people in the hall drinking something, picking up pamphlets on all-queer stuff, and I noticed this 20-something boy who was reading a leaflet on asexuality I had brought, and his hands were shaking, visibly so. It came as no surprise when he quietly sat close to me later, and thanked me for my presentation, telling me he was asexual as well, and was glad to hear there were others like him.

An even stronger mark on my heart, probably, was left in 2012. I was in the organization group of the Asexual WorldPride Conference in London; when I got to Southbank University in the morning to prepare the room, the security staff told me there was someone already there for me. I was surprised, because the meeting was only more than one hour later. I was even more surprised when the person waiting for me turned out to be this tiny old lady, who came to me, clearly emotional, and asked me if I was asexual. When I said yes, she hugged me with tears in her eyes, and said she was 83 and I was the first other asexual person she had met, and that she'd never forget me. Lydia, this is her name, told me of how she had felt alone and confused her whole life, and thought there was something wrong with her, because even her family doctors told her that her husband's sexuality was healthy, therefore she was clearly the problem.

Lydia is now our oldest asexual activist: she's motivated and happy to talk about asexuality because she doesn't want other people to go through what she went through in her life. Thinking about her, and other people like her, I almost laugh when people who are skeptic about asexuality ask if this is just a phase, or a new trend, maybe to ask for attention.

Newspaper/magazine articles and TV interviews generally tend to focus on young people; even when discussing asexuality, a young healthy person who doesn't desire sex is more interesting news than an older person who doesn't want to get any. This has likely influenced the opinions of the audience in many ways, including when they say that asexuality could be just a phase, or a new trend. That's why I thought it could be a good idea if I talked to some older asexual people (older than the general media age-frame of interest).

What can it be like to have been asexual your whole life, when visibility on asexuality has only started getting results in the last 10 years or so?

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Tan, a 65 year old English grandmother of one, said she discovered asexuality only when she was 53. <<I read an article and so much of what was written struck a chord with me and by the end I thought 'Yep, sounds like me. How do I find out more?'. AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) was mentioned, I googled and joined. She says she always knew she was different, but tried so hard to 'fit in' and be 'normal' like everyone else, but failed to understand how or why anyone would want to have sex more than the odd time - why on earth anyone would want to do it multiple times in one day (or night) was incomprehensible!>>.

Myra, an American 70-something woman, says she has identified as asexual for the last couple of years. <<During my early 40's, I removed myself from the dating 'scene' by lying about already being in a relationship; sometimes I even wore a wedding band. I have always disliked the sex act. However, I did marry (twice) and have children at a young age, because that was the thing to do in the 1960's. I believe that I was always an asexual, having only learned that there was a word for it while in my late 60's>>.

Cathy, 52, from the San Francisco Bay Area, says she joined AVEN in 2005, after hearing David Jay (the founder) talk about asexuality on the radio. She had been identifying as a lesbian, and had already come out as lesbian to her family and friends, because she was (and still is) homoromantic, but didn't have a word for it. She says: <<Coming out as asexual has been more difficult than coming out as lesbian for me. Everyone I came out to as a lesbian took it at face value and never tried to convince me that I was not a lesbian. But nearly everyone I have come out to as an asexual (with the exception of my family and a few friends) have tried to convince me that I am not asexual. I feel as an older asexual that it is easier for me to convince folks I really am asexual than it would have been as a younger asexual. I think I would have struggled with questions in my youth of how do I know I'm asexual if I have never had sex before or never done "whatever" before. With 52 years behind me, I have lots more evidence I can trot out to folks that I really am asexual. On the other hand I don't think anyone should have to "prove" that they are asexual so I'm looking forward to a time where asexuality becomes more known and accepted and folks stop trying to argue with me about it when I come out>>.

What's it like to be asexual and married to a sexual partner?

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Paolo, 41, from Milan, says he's only come out as asexual to his wife. <<The hardest part is probably for the sexual partner not to feel rejected. My wife and I try to have sex on a regular basis (once every 1-2 weeks). I have told her that she is free to have sex with other men, but so far she hasn't done it. There is more to married life than sex, and it is possible to have an intimate relationship without having sex every other day. I feel that my wife and I are much closer to each other than several couples for whom sex is almost the only thing they have in common>>.

Myra says she told one of her sons about her asexuality because maybe that information gave him some answers about her divorce from his father. She's not in a relationship anymore. Have many older asexual people married because that was the thing to do like Myra did? That's possible, but even there, there is much diversity about this.

LSJ, 44 from New Mexico, says she's never been in a romantic relationship, as she doesn't consider a few dates with a guy in 1999 to qualify as "relationship", let alone "romantic". Dave, 57, from California, says: <<I am not currently in a relationship, and am quite happy, but would also be happy to be in a nonsexual relationship. I was in a long term relationship with a sexual person a few years ago. That relationship broke up over a few issues, and ultimately led me to AVEN. Without that relationship experience I doubt I would've questioned things enough to discover asexuality>>.

Dr. Anthony Bogaert, professor and leading researcher on asexuality, says in Understanding Asexuality (2012): "The study of asexuality reveals how variations in sexuality profoundly affect one's (demographically relevant) life trajectories. [] There are no published data on the fertility of asexual people (a topic well worth looking into), but in the first published study on asexuality using a national probability (or random) sample of adults in Great Britain, I found that 33 percent of asexual people were currently in a long-term relationship (e.g. married), compared to 64% of sexual people (Bogaert, 2004)".

What do older asexual people worry about?

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James, a 52 year old trans* person from San Francisco, says: <<Aging, physically, is not a picnic and it would be very helpful to have someone around to help and commiserate with. Some of us oldies have discussed some of the choices facing us as we age. Needing help around the home or finding decent companions to share housing with so that we can help each other. What happens when you have medical situations and no help. The same things that any aging person who is truly alone would face. I think we have fewer illusions as we get older that a relationship is on the horizon and all will be fine. Some of us have children to help but many do not, myself included, and that is likely a higher percentage for asexuals>>.

Cathy would like to find someone similar to her. <<I get frustrated as an older asexual in finding my peers. I would like to be in a relationship with another asexual near my age but it has been quite difficult to find others like me. I go to asexual meetups and the majority of the people there are 20 years younger than I. So it appears that the younger asexuals have a bigger field to play in than I do. But Im not sure if this has to do with asexuality in particular. I think its more just the difference between the older and younger generations. I imagine that an older heterosexual might also have a smaller playing field than a younger heterosexual>>.

Why don't they just settle with any oldie? Aren't all older people disinterested in sex anyway?

This is a big stereotype that older people face. Older people's sexuality is a taboo, they shouldn't talk about it or show they still have desires. But no, as Cathy says, <<Not all old people lose their sex drive>>. Tan adds: <<According to the papers, older people are still 'at it like rabbits'...50 is the new 40 etc. I tried dating an older man (he was 65 when I was still in my 50s) thinking that he'd be past all that. But no - seems he thought he still had to prove something. Older people are much like younger people, just a bit more wrinkly. As far as sex goes? Glad it's all behind me. I don't have to pretend any more and can relax in my solitary life. I have my dogs whom I adore and give me all the love I could possibly want or need>>.

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Wonderful and poignant! :cake:

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I have to admit I got a little teary eyed reading that. Beautifully written!

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Is this official now? May I share it with friends?

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Thanks for your feedback so far :)

You can do of this anything you like, sharing included :cake:

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I agree with Kellam and Jenox (I got slightly misty-eyed myself). Excellent article, Ithaca, and thank you so much for doing this and all you do for visibility and education! :cake:

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Oh, now I remember I forgot to send my responses to you, Ith. :redface: :redface: :redface:

This is really GREAT!!! And I really love the birds on the line, with one little bird on it's own line.

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Oh, now I remember I forgot to send my responses to you, Ith. :redface: :redface: :redface:

This is really GREAT!!! And I really love the birds on the line, with one little bird on it's own line.

I'm glad you like it :) Maybe we can work together on something else, if you feel like it!

Did you translate that for us, or is there a linkable English version that doesn't require linking to AVEN? :)

I translated the file for you, but since you asked, I've just now posted a non-AVEN english version here: http://asessuali.wordpress.com/2014/03/24/asexuality-isnt-a-phase-or-a-new-trend/
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Excellent, wish there were more articles as good as this.

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