What did you think was "wrong" with you before you knew the word asexual?

[nanogretchen4]

Before I knew the word demisexual, I thought maybe I was too old (before age 30) to ever feel that way about anyone again, and I had missed my window to find The One. The other thing I told myself is that dating new people is probably a gross chore for everyone so I should just grit my teeth and power through it. But instead I kept forgetting all about sex and dating for years at a time because I was forgetful and lazy.

[JustSomeAce]

Oh, in addition to what I wrote before:

I also thought I didn't go through puberty properly (like only partly, with body changes but anything else) or something went wrong there. 😅

[Janus the Fox]

If something goes wrong with puberty, there’s often visibly physical problems present, especially like a persons height and muscle tone or other factors.  Docs where concerned with my puberty 5 years late than anybody else and a being behind my own sister that’s 7 years younger was a visible issue looking much younger than my real age finishing physical puberty at 21.  Docs are not certain I developed in any psychosexual way at any point.  Hence a potential reason of developing as asexual.

[DemonicEnby]

Phew. Difficult, at some times I thought different things might be wrong or just me being different.

 

When it felt wrong I was down because of that too. Doesn't help when there are people telling you that it might be hormones, illness or trauma and that I should get treatment (in various ways). When I was sure that physically everything was alright I was fearing there was something fundamentally wrong on the mental side of things. 

 

Then I remembered a good friend a few years back mentioning being aromantic. That got me researching and finding the term asexual. And so many things suddenly made sense. It was a relief really. Though there was a tad bit of a breakdown involved, but that might have been because of many things coming together at once. (like the gender thing and confusion of not really caring about the gender of persons I found attractive too, so well). 

 

In the end I came to terms with that pretty quickly and am happy with who I am. 

[Osiyo_Waya]

I never actually thought anything was wrong with me.

 

I've always been a solitary creature, and was content with the assumption that I was a late-bloomer and/or hadn't met the right person. I think that mindset, along with my talent for procrastination, kept my perpetual singledom from ever being a concern. 

[Perin]

During the early years….. I was kind of disgusted by sex. Even the thought of it caused intense feelings of a sort of guilt. this caused me to avoid even hearing about it, like when ppl were talking about it. This internalised to fear of sex. 
 

then in adolescence like 15 years old to 20….. some women errrr….. forcibly tried it on with me. I hate the R word, but it was….. attempted. The result of my refusal caused these women to assume I  was gay. And as the saying goes ‘hell hath no fury…’ add they spread their opinions far and wide. 
 

Cue severe low self esteem and confusion. 
 

as I got older…. It continued to happen…. Except worse. I was…. Forced into it via emotional/psychological coercion. 
 

long story short. I’ve had two relationships I’ve been in agreement with. The second one ended when I went from grey Ace to completely Ace. 
 

cue self hatred and blame.

 

Now….. I’m lots happier single but completely screwed up in the head as a result of a lot of the past. I think. 

[Kuradarius]

I didn’t think there was something wrong with *me* so much as I assumed that something had gone wrong with my pre-natal or brain-hormone development during puberty when I was in my mid teens and I was still sexually repulsed and the sexual switch still hasn’t flipped on. I wasn’t distressed, but I figured that my sex repulsion would make finding a compatible partner more complicated. While I didn’t know what asexuals were, I figured I was unlikely the only one who found the idea of having sex with someone as unappealing as having sex with an animal is average person. You can recognize the majesty of a tiger without wanting *anything* to do with it in that way. I’d just marry someone like me and if I wanted kids I would have to fork over the money for a surrogate.  
 

Basically, I figured I had a benign bug in my code. 

[JupiterTears]

I just was never interested in those kinds of things, I remember when I was in High School guys kept trying to grab me hold my hand try to kiss me etc. I tried to kiss them back and it didn't feel right. And I'm only figuring out now as an adult that this is what I am, I tired so hard to be the way guys (the guys I was dating) wanted me to be. I tried to whole sex thing twice with the same guy and it was an uncomfortable experience I had him stop and he was like "were you touched a kid, or something?" Needless to say I haven't spoken to him since. 

 

I try to think about sex thinking maybe I can do it for him you know another guy I meet in the future but its just an over all unpleasant feeling and makes me sick to think about doing it again. But that's just me. 

[TITI]

I never hated myself for not wanting sex,i always thought i'm the normal one and everyone else is...somehow..exaggerating things but as time passed and i started realizing that i'm the odd one, i thought all along i was just suppressing things and denying, lying to myself for whatever reasons

I wish there were at least one person irl who told me that it's ok to feel the way i felt and not spit bs like "you'll think differently when u grow up"

[minmar72]

This is such an interesting and thought-provoking discussion!  I’ve only recently come to the conclusion that I might be asexual…. and I’m 51!  Since I never really contemplated the idea before, how did I process/justify my feelings all these years?

 

Like many here, when I was younger I just thought I was a “late bloomer”.  I never specifically ruled out having sex some day, i just told myself, if it happens, it happens…. and if it doesn’t… oh, well.

 

I also thought that because I grew up in a small town and attended a small high school, and because there just wasn’t enough variety in the boys I knew, therefore my “pool” was very limited.  I figured I would eventually meet someone sexually attractive if I had a larger pool to choose from.

 

After 51 years, nope, that hasn’t happened.

 

I’m also very self-conscious about my body.  Since I have a hard time accepting it or finding it attractive, I cannot not wrap my mind around the idea that ANY man walking the earth would find it attractive either. 

 

I lost my virginity at 18 with my first boyfriend.  I did it because, well, it’s what was expected — and not because of any intrinsic need.  I’ve had various sexual partners throughout the years and it has always been (on my part) simply going through the motions and never ever feeling any pleasure in the process.  Just laying there hoping to get it over with as quickly as possible. 

 

I’ve never been married because, quite frankly, I just can’t see myself fulfilling the “wifey duties” that would be expected of me on a regular basis.

 

My last serious relationship was over 25 years ago.  The physical part of it was so god-awful that I told myself if I never have sex again for the rest of my life I would be 100% ok with that.

 

I have had a few partners since but nothing on a serious or committed basis…. and nothing remotely satisfying.  Only going through the motions for the sake of my partners…. never for the sake of me.

 

I’ve been researching asexually lately and looking back, it may explain a lot about my past feelings and attitudes towards sex.

[croonable]

So I knew about asexuality and its description back in 2003.

But I wasn’t ready to accept that I was ace.

 

 

so like from 2003- August 02, 2023

My thoughts were:

Maybe I am a late bloomer

Maybe I am bisexual

maybe I am heterosexual 

Something wrong with my hormones, 

Maybe it was depression or anxiety

I was really dedicated to my religion aka catholic: Saving my virginity for marriage and that sex was only for reproduction. Nothing else.

I thought I was broken for 20 years.

[Old Maid Librarian]

On 10/8/2021 at 4:54 PM, Kuradarius said:

Basically, I figured I had a benign bug in my code. 

I love that way of putting it! 

My experience was pretty much the same as everyone else has been saying. Various stages of thinking everyone else was just saying things to sound grown-up, that I was a late bloomer, that I just hadn't met the right person, that maybe there was something wrong with me.  My absolutely not wanting children and fear of getting pregnant and being stuck with an unwanted child was an important issue too.   (When I was in my twenties, most doctors would not give you birth control unless you were already sexually active. Catch-22) It just never seemed worth the risk of pregnancy and STD's, just to satisfy my curiosity.

[Mike D]

In my younger days I was pretty much allosexual, although a lot less sex-obsessed than my peers.  But I still dated, got into relationships, and had sex...mostly in that order, even.

 

After my last relationship I felt very tired and burned out.  I just wanted to be single for awhile, to come home to a quiet house with no drama.  I figured after a few months of that I'd get another crush and maybe start dating again...you know, when the time was right.  Six months passed, then a year, then two, with no crushes, and I realized my libido was waning sharply, too.  I was young and in very good health, so I didn't think it was lifestyle.  Instead I started looking into causes of low libido in men.  None of the criteria I saw really fit me, so I started to suspect low testosterone.  It can happen to any man, even very active ones.

I was pondering asking my doctor about TRT, but I abruptly came to a realization:  was I trying to fix something that wasn't causing me any distress?  I wasn't in angst over being single...I liked it!  I liked coming home to a nice, quiet house after a day's work!  I liked not having to emotionally support a partner who, all too often, offered me no support in return.  My libido and my desire for relationships brought me far more grief than joy...why would want that back?  I realized that not needing those things was actually very freeing!

So to this day I've never even had my hormone levels checked.  My aceness may actually stem from low testosterone for all know...but I don't care.  I feel like I stumbled into one the Buddhist principles of happiness:  disconnection from desire.  Not all of my worldly desires are gone but the ones I have lost have made me happier!

[CaittMarr]

What I felt was wrong with me was I was falling behind. That I lacked depth and maturity. Not true I feel that I am developing both those qualities like everyone else. During middle school is definitely noticed a change in people's around me interests or behaviors. One of closest friends to this day was super into One Direction and Justin Bieber like many girls. Like into in a way I could never relate. To be honest I was barely interested in anything that way. I just liked everything the same. Then having crushes on people started getting serious not as a joke anymore. So, I pretended.  It was hard and confusing. Worse in high school. Some people life's mission seemed to become to get girlfriend/boyfriend.  I panicked to be honest. Had major identity crisis.  Thought I was a lesbian and came out to friends. It was great, they were supportive, and I felt little more confident in myself. This until I realized I had to eventually act on it. So fake crushes came into play again. I had myself convinced on some. Then I left high school and realized once more something was different with me. I don't have these feeling everyone else done. I don't see someone and get attracted and want talk to them. I see them think they are cute or cool and go about my day. I have friends who are getting married and settling down and I am here at same place as I was in middle school. Finding asexuality and  aromanticism has helped a lot. I am figuring out and learning about myself every day. 

 

Feeling better about myself every day but I won't lie some days are harder than others still. 

[Bumgorf]

It has been really interesting to read different thoughts and experiences  The first time I though there is something different about me was when I had my 13th birthday. I had 5 guy friends and 2 girl friends attending my birthday party. At some point the guys went to play videogames and since the girls did not want to do that I stayed with them . The girls asked me if I have a telephone, I said:" Yes." They got excited and said: "Lets  call the boys from school."  And I asked: " Why?"  They looked at me with surprise and then they shared a weird look with each other. I felt like there was something seriously wrong with me. Later, when I started dating, I thought I must be really picky but could not figure out why. I often felt ashamed for not finding anyone attractive enough to make out with or do the devils tango.