What did you think was "wrong" with you before you knew the word asexual?

[floraXorXfauna]

I guess I just though I was a MASSIVE prude with deep intimacy issues. I probably am a little bit of both of those things to be honest- i'm quite a romantic, and I sometimes find it difficult to move on from deep emotional connections :/

But yeah, I think a large part of what was going on when I was younger was that I didn't really experience the need or level of attraction that all the other teens around me experienced; which made me feel extremely isolated :(

While reading fanfiction, I came across the term asexual, didn't think much of it. Actually, I misunderstood it to be that these people never, ever want to have sex and have no sex-drive. Eventually, I came to understand more about the term. Found AVEN. Admitted I was asexual shortly after that.

I had the exact same experience here; it was actually fanfiction- (in particular Glee and Sherlock fanfiction!) Which really opened up the concept of asexuality to me, and helped me realise that asexuality, like sexuality, was much more complex than you would think.

[Wolfjackle]

I guess I just though I was a MASSIVE prude with deep intimacy issues. I probably am a little bit of both of those things to be honest- i'm quite a romantic, and I sometimes find it difficult to move on from deep emotional connections :/

But yeah, I think a large part of what was going on when I was younger was that I didn't really experience the need or level of attraction that all the other teens around me experienced; which made me feel extremely isolated :(

Agreed on thinking I was a prude. And it's crossed my mind once or twice that I may have intimacy issues. I've always been that girl with a small group of super close friends and a bunch of acquaintances. I used to be super shy, which didn't help. I've gotten a lot better, though.

While reading fanfiction, I came across the term asexual, didn't think much of it. Actually, I misunderstood it to be that these people never, ever want to have sex and have no sex-drive. Eventually, I came to understand more about the term. Found AVEN. Admitted I was asexual shortly after that.

I had the exact same experience here; it was actually fanfiction- (in particular Glee and Sherlock fanfiction!) Which really opened up the concept of asexuality to me, and helped me realise that asexuality, like sexuality, was much more complex than you would think.

It was Sherlock for me, too!

[CarCar123]

I didn't think anything was wrong because most of my friends didn't talk about sex and stuff. It was just that I didn't like any guys since I was about 11 and my friends would always ask,"who do you like?" After a couple years of me swearing I didn't like anyone and flat out telling them that I never like anyone, they just didn't ask anymore. In a way, it created distance between us because all my friends had something in common.

My brother and his friends told me that I had very high standards and while it was true that most of he guys I knew were either my friends or jerks, I didn't think that was it. I still thought guys were cute and up until very recently I didn't even realize that people felt sexual attraction towards each other (even tho I'm 18). Since we are Christians, you are supposed to wait until marriage. There was a couple that were together for many years and my parents didn't believe that they could've remained pure. I didn't understand because I thought if I was in a relationship I could definitely wait without any problems.

I always found in extremely annoying when my friends (or anyone) complain about being single. I would be okay with a boyfriend I guess but it isn't a priority for me. I always thought I was just going to be single forever and I have no problem with that. Now that I know I'm not just a weird person, I realize I could have a relationship if I wanted with or without sex. And now that I know about the term "asexual" I can finally explain to people why I really am the way I am. Just because there's only a small percentage of people who are asexual doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. I'm really glad that I found out when I did because now I don't have to confused my whole life. Haha

[floraXorXfauna]

While reading fanfiction, I came across the term asexual, didn't think much of it. Actually, I misunderstood it to be that these people never, ever want to have sex and have no sex-drive. Eventually, I came to understand more about the term. Found AVEN. Admitted I was asexual shortly after that.

I had the exact same experience here; it was actually fanfiction- (in particular Glee and Sherlock fanfiction!) Which really opened up the concept of asexuality to me, and helped me realise that asexuality, like sexuality, was much more complex than you would think.

It was Sherlock for me, too!

Yeah I love sherlock fanfiction, the writers are so creative. Literally anything that you thought may be possible (with relationships and things) has already been thought of by the sherlock fanfiction writers :) and sometimes it's the weirdest things!

[Cereal Tendencies]

Hmmm, where to begin... (spoiler contains possible trigger)

Growing up, I was always the introverted outcast, and I was comfortable with that in the sense that everyone else was crazy, not me :P

I was molested before I hit puberty (I was 13)

Taking Maslow's hierarchy of needs in high school and thinking "Why is sex a need? Does that mean nuns are immortal?"

Not understanding what the deal was with male celebs and high school girls

Never having a crush or a type- was asked by a bunch of friends what my "type" was and I had to take a good minute to think about it, but I guess I took too long because they just looked at me funny and changed the topic

I see relationships as too much social effort

I'm going through the apathy stage of chronic depression (not caused by #2!)

I guess I related my asexuality to all of the above, or that all of the above contributed to it

[Zenepheon]

..Wow... Those were dark days, my man. You ready to read a story? Here goes...

Well, I first started to notice my own personal difference when our fifth grade class took a course called 'Growing and Changing', which was basically an introductory level puberty/sex ed course. Everyone else was laughing at the illustrations on the second page of naked people (entitled something like 'This is what people look like naked'), but I was just sitting there, forcing myself to laugh to fit in, but not really getting the joke. As this progressed, we got to the part about sexual attraction, and I remember, word for word, what the teacher said, "So, everyone in the world, unless you have mental issues, will feel sexual attraction and arousal to other people, this is perfectly normal and natural". At the time, I figured that I just hadn't matured enough yet, and there was some very minor, joking torment directed at me (It was pretty friendly, so I wouldn't classify it as bullying) for a few weeks after I said something to the effect of 'I don't get it'.

Anyway, three years past, and I was in 8th grade. Everyone around me was already sexually interested, and many were sexually active, and the entire time, no matter what I did (And I did quite a bit), I could NOT be attracted to anyone. It was now that I really began feeling 'broken', because I had been told that everyone experiences this thing that I wasn't, unless you were messed up. I even tried pretending to be sexual, and forcing myself to tell me that I was, because of a bad teacher. At one point, I was even dating someone and we ended up naked, in the same room, about to have sex, and I stoppped her and said, "No, I don't feel anything, we can't do this".

The next thing she said was the most painful thing I have ever been told in my entire life, and has largely shaped who I am today. She said (After some dialogue between what I last said), "You are fucking broken and will probably die a fucking virgin."

After that, I really felt broken. To the few I shared this with, I wasn't shunned, but I definitely wasn't understood. They would make jokes about me when I wasn't around and I would be constantly teased because of it. I spiraled into a deep depression (which has progressed to clinical levels, although I can now deal with it fairly well). My entire life felt worthless and ruined (There were other things shitty about my life then, too, that perpetuated this). Then, I went to high school, and people were more mature about it. Still not the nicest bunch, but mature. I dated another girl in 10th grade, and she was sexual, and I still hadn't discovered asexuality yet. We ended up actually having sex, and afterward, I told her that it really wasn't all that great, and that I really wasn't that turned on by her (but rather the situation). Immediately, I thought she was going to rip me apart, as the other girl had done, but instead, she told me about this swanky new sexuality (she thought it was new... well, can't bat a thousand...) called asexuality.

And then, I found out what I was. Since, my depression has become much more manageable and life is good. I now have a polyamorous relationship (One of the girls I am dating is that girl in the last paragraph), and since they are bisexual and sexual, they can satisfy each other sexual, and me romantically. It was only very recently (about a year and a half after discovering asexuality) that I actually joined this forum, but so far, it has been pretty great.

Hopefully that isn't too heavy or long, guys. Just thought I'd share...

That's definitely how I felt about love/life before I knew asexuality was a thing. I dreaded and hated sex so much i was just mentally preparing myself to live alone for the rest of my life. But now I know, you can have love without sex. and that has made all the difference.

[Ellie32]

I've always been a people pleaser in every aspect fo my life, constantly striving to be what I was supposed to be in every possible context. Relationships were the same way. I always assumed that everyone else felt and perceived them the same way. I had sexual relationships because I thought that was what I 'should' do. It wasn't pleasurable and instead of just acknowledging that I didn't like it, I went the other direction and tried more: people, options, kinks... I kept trying thinking maybe it just hadn't been 'good'. Then I thought perhaps I was gay. Being with women had a bit better emotional connection but sexually still seemed lackluster. I adopted queer out of a lack of any better language.

After some research and conversations I learned about pansexuality and thought maybe that was it. I then began really looking at my relationships, and especially those I'd attempted to have. I found that I'd become interested in people after we developed a close friendship and I was very confused multiple times when they expressed that they didn't have romantic feelings. I had somehow missed the boat that others experienced attraction differently than I did. I spent a fair bit of time trying to figure out how others viewed, defined, and engaged in relationships vs. friendships.

Talking with some friends and discussing my view of friendship is actually where I started to realize that my views were different. I had not truly understood the value sexual people often place on sex/sexual attraction in relationships. I realized that I defined relationships more by connection and trust. It wasn't until I random stumbled upon AVEN that I finally felt like I had adequate vocabulary to actually define myself. It was an invigorating realization.

[NualaCatrionaMarie]

I was super shy and sheltered, and because I've always been a late bloomer in other ways. I just figured I would eventually have a sex drive magically appear, I guess. But anyway, here I am at 20, and I'm still waiting. I think it's safe to assume it might not actually be coming!

[JevanaElindra]

I didn't know I was asexual because I was aroused by porn. But then I sort of got desensitized to porn and I don't like it anymore.

I just realized that I don't want to have sex with another human, it doesn't seem like it would be enjoyable .

[bonny]

As a teenager I was used to feeling "different" and "like I didn't fit in" for other reasons, so I think I thought it was just another way I didn't fit in with conventional thinking and behaviour.

After I actually experienced sex, I also assumed for quite a while that I must just be no good at it.

[Filmfan]

I'm going to echo a lot of the stories that have already been described here. I was called a late bloomer a lot, and I just kind of accepted that. I don't know what my friends think now that they're hitting their 10th or 15th wedding anniversaries, and I've still never had a boyfriend. Probably, "Oh, well. That's just Filmfan. She's never liked kids, and we never expected her to get married before 40 anyway."

As I grew up, the vast majority of my crushes/squishes were on movie stars, especially since I didn't interact with males outside of my family much in real life. I was in Girl Scouts, dance classes, and eventually an all-girls' high school where most of friends were as inexperienced as I was. I remember discussions about whether the other girls would wait until marriage to have sex, but since I never pictured myself married, I didn't know how to approach that question. I never wondered if I was a lesbian, though. I knew I wasn't into other females, even though some distant family members wondered otherwise because I wasn't girly and I showed little interest in boys. The worst thing was when some guy I hadn't seen since 7th grade seemed to have maintained a flame for me all those years, so his mom called my mom and asked if I'd go to the senior prom with him. I was in absolute tears at the thought; I just had such a horrible aversion to doing that. Luckily, I got out of that, and I went to my own prom alone.

Then, I got to college, and I felt like I should be dating people because that's what college students did, but I didn't want to date anyone. I didn't know if it was because I was focused on school and my activities, so disenfranchised at my college (which really wasn't the best choice for me) that I wanted nothing to do with a lot of people there, scared of being judged because I was so inexperienced, or still just not ready for that. Maybe all of the above. That became even more confusing as I entered the workforce and became interested in a co-worker. We would have been a great match on many levels, and I could have fallen in love with him. However, the one night I made out with him, I could not get into it. I was bored, and I kept thinking, "What am I doing? This doesn't make sense." I was very cerebral about the entire thing. Needless to say, it didn't work out between us.

I don't think there was an "a-ha" moment for me when I realized I didn't want to have sex, not even that night with my co-worker. I do know that I felt the way I did about the prom date. If I thought about having sex, I was so violently opposed to the idea that it brought me to tears. I just knew I didn't want to do it and could never bring myself to do it. It was that distressing for me.

I do remember the first time I said I was asexual, though. When I was in my early 20s, I had some really man-hungry co-workers who would give me a hard time for not joining in on their exploits. I wanted to get them off my back, so once I said, "From now on, just think of me as asexual." It was probably a year or two later when I googled asexuality and found out it was real. Then, everything just made sense, especially once I found out that there were romantic orientations, too. That explained why I had these romantic fantasies of running off with James McAvoy's character in Becoming Jane, but those fantasies didn't involve jumping into bed with him. It was very enlightening and made me realize that I was perfectly normal but, like the OP, just didn't have the words for it yet.

Now I think about daily and sex seldom. ;)

[Ippiki-ookami]

For me the thought that I was a "late bloomer" never crossed my mind. I actually thought people were crazy for wanting to be involved in such an act that could potentially lead to diseases and just looked so unappealing and unecessary. I used to think it was crazy for someone to say they didn't want to get pregnant yet still want to have sex (actually I still kind of think its crazy). It just made absolutely no sense to me. At one point I started to think wow am I the only one who really doesn't care about having sex? Anyway finding out about asexuality made me realise that oh I guess its normal for people to want to have sex afterall even though I still cannot get my head around it.

[Guftders]

The verdict is still out there on that one :P I could be asexual (most probable), OR I could be sexually repressed/supressed (if there's a difference between repression and suppression). But originally I just thought I wasn't THAT into women :/

[I.Dream.In.Technicolor]

Well to be honest, I didn't think much of it, mostly because I didn't really realize till I discovered what asexuality was, and then looked back on my own past. I mean, I laughed at sex jokes made by friends or whatever but I never really ever felt that strong an attraction to anyone in my entire life (Heck im only 18 but still). So it was kind of just like, realization for me.

[Octtave]

I still think something is wrong with me so...

[SunlightOnTheGarden]

I'd assumed everyone around me was just playing it up and not as sex obsessed as they acted. I still do really; surely they can't think about sex all the time!?

But since I've come to university, I've sort of realised that everyone really is quite into sex (they're still not that sexual, though, surely?!). And I'm much less sexual than I thought I was.

I've thought I was 'broken' over many things, but not really sex. I've just never really been able to comprehend sexuals. So the two don't fit together.

[10203021321321]

removed

[Anastasiya]

When I was younger, I just assumed that it was because I was still young, and that I would become interested in sex when I was older.

Then, when I was 18, I was starting to wonder what was going on, when I found out that asexuality existed and thought "well that explains that!"

[coyote55]

When I was younger, I just assumed that it was because I was still young, and that I would become interested in sex when I was older.

Then, when I was 18, I was starting to wonder what was going on, when I found out that asexuality existed and thought "well that explains that!"

This was me as well, I thought I was a late bloomer like many others here, but there wasn't even a bud in me. I never even dated in high school, and my two serious relationships with women during my 20s failed because I couldn't get intimate. This was long before asexuality was on the public radar screen, and everyone was programmed to think that intimacy led automatically to sex- for which I had no desire, couldn't even force it on myself. I just figured something had misfired in me, because I had a good libido but couldn't apply it to actual human beings. By the time I was in my 30s I just dropped the whole issue, as everything else in my life was pretty good- a rewarding career, supportive friends, and 3 godsons who were close with me when they were growing up. I had no idea how many other asexuals were out there until I read an article about them on the Huffington Post, which led me to AVEN last year. What an eye-opener this site has been!

[Anime Pancake]

I thought I was normal.

Even when my girlfriend (at the time) started asking about sexual things, I thought I was normal, even though I didn't have an interest in sex. But once I got to be around 19 years old, I realized that I was very different than most people, because of my lack of interest.

I eventually just felt like I was broken somehow and I was just naturally like this. I got sad, because I knew no one would ever want to be in a relationship without having sex.

I felt really bad about this for some years until last year when I eventually found the term 'asexual' in a dictionary. Some time later, I found this site and a whole bunch of people just like me :)

Cool topic!

[HilariousUsername]

I simply put it into the back of my mind during my teens and into my 20's, assuming I was a (very) late bloomer and things would somehow work themselves out. In hindsight I should have taken it more seriously a lot sooner but what's done is done, as they say. I have been thinking about it more and more this year- particularly since my first experience of the ol' bedroom Olympics a couple of months ago which did not exactly go to plan- and come to the conclusion that asexual is the closest thing to whatever the bejesus I am.

[Fate Amenable To Change]

My physical sexual characteristics. I'm trans, so that's kind of been a big deal for the first 20 years or so of my life. Now that I'm working on transitioning, realizing I'm ace has actually been a pretty smooth experience. Something along the lines of "Huh, I still don't care very much about having sex with someone. Guess I'm ace."

It probably helps that I'm highly sensual and a total romance slut, though, so I generally only feel like I don't fit in when conversations get excessively sexual.

[DeletedAcc]

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[Sally]

I thought I was just doing things wrong -- an amateur who was just untalented at sex -- and when I got more experience/got better at it, I'd enjoy it. That never happened.

[Alanabeth]

I was actually in high school when I still didnt' have any sexual feelings for anyone. I've always known that I didn't like boys in any way really. However, I would find other girls beautiful and often mezmerizing, but if anyone brought up "age of consent", or "kissing" "sex" or anything sexual, it would kill a beautiful moment. I dont' mind other people having sex in their private lifes, but I can't attach any sexual desires to a peson in general. So I thought something was wrong with me, because I felt like such an alien at the most basic of human emotions.

[Jupiter_August]

I've always known I was ace, but had no word for it. All the signs were there looking back now (never had a porn collection, never have been to a strip club) there was just no interest. I always figured it was some kind of chemical imbalance, some biological defect that just made me want to have sex. An actual orientation never occurred to me. What did other people think about their asexuality before you knew the word, not so much in what did you call it, but what did you think was the cause of your lack of desire?

I just thought it was some chemical or hormonal imbalance as well. Even once I heard of the term asexual, I didn't think I was it. I have only had one relationship. My partner was very sensual and wanted to be sexual. I, however, got huge amounts of anxiety before seeing him and doing sensual acts. I guess I kind of knew I didn't much like sensual stuff. After that relationship ended (I could not satisfy him and make him feel loved- he wanted sensual and sexual stuff and I didn't really), I slowly remembered the old term I had heard, "Asexuality". I knew it meant you didn't want sex, but I didn't know that "aromantic" was a thing. As I looked into asexuality, I learned about both, and I the term "asexual" finally struck a cord in me.

Now, I take as much pride in it as I can. It's very liberating to realize that there really isn't anything wrong with you. I feel so much relief and freedom now that I understand myself.

[BluebirdOfHappiness]

I'm in the same camp as a lot of other posters who have said that they just thought they had awesome self control. I grew up in a Christian household and went to Church and I was always taught that you don't have sex until you were married. So I didn't. I couldn't understand how so many people seemed to find that so difficult, when it was just a rule like, don't kill people or don't steal things. I just honestly thought that I was really good at following the rules.

I also just thought that if I could only meet the right person, then it would be different and I would be different and everything would work out. I grew up in a small town in the Midwestern United States, so there were not a lot of guys my age and I just figured that none of them were really my type. Not that I had a type or knew what I would like if I found it. Eventually, I went to a big university and I moved to Europe for a few years and I backpacked and went on road trips and hiked a thousand miles on the AT and I finally had to admit that if I hadn't met a single person in any of those places that I was sexually attracted to then it probably wasn't going to happen for me ever.

[Celes]

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories!!! This has been so illuminating for a newbie like myself.

I especially resonated with posters who assumed they were late bloomers. I've felt like that, but since I turned 18 and came to college the feeling has increasingly been one of doubt, fear, and shame that I haven't entered the "world" of sex and love. It's been so relieving to read all of these stories and realize I'm not alone in my asexuality. It's quite freeing. ^_^

[Meniscus]

In middle school and early high school when other were showing greater interest, I thought that I had been raised differently and that everyone else lacked self-control. As I got older, and I did not start dating or making out with anyone, I thought it was because I was to scared or that I lacked the initiative. I got the idea in my head that I should try to be more assertive, but all attempts build up more courage just made me develop anxiety about my anxiety.

[elleba_wolf]

i thought i was just being a sissy about mature relationships, and that it would go away with age...and then it did not. luckily, i came across the wikipedia article about asexuality just as i was beginning to get a bit worried.