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Adogg

What did you think was "wrong" with you before you knew the word asexual?

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RedRaptor

The word I used to describe myself was "broken" thankfully it wasn't how i thought of myself for long. In school i had amazing friends who also didn't really think about sex and dating much, or at least didn't talk about it much beyond a dirty joke. Therefore, I didn't really see it as anything of importance, it was only when we all left school and they got boyfriends and went to uni, and I got a boyfriend that it became a problem. For a year and a half I called myself "broken" because I had been head over heels for a guy and yet there was nothing i wanted less than to sleep with him. Thankfully when I went to uni i quickly became aware of asexuality and I realised I wasn't alone or weird at all.

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Winter is coming

i thought that people faked interest in sex, i was really grossed out when i found out that people have sex on a daily basis. i always figured that that part of puberty hadn't hit me yet.

i remember when i was 12 i was taking to my friend and she said she wanted to have sex before she turned 16 and i said i wanted to have sex before i was 18 (i didn't want to sound lame), a few weeks ago she told me that she had planned to have sex with a guy (both 14) and i was completely shocked and i told her that i didn't care about having sex and she asked me if i was asexual, which is how i found out im ace

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shamy

i always just thought i was a late bloomer. like, a really late bloomer.

i did a lot of pretense, like it'll happen for me eventually. it never did.

then i discovered asexuality and was like "hey that's like me!!"

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noregrets

Maybe TMI?...

Originally, I thought I was normal, but that I just had better self-control than everyone else. I grew up in a religious school, so abstinence was emphasized. I am a naturally curious person, and hearing about/seeing sex all around me, I really wanted to know what everyone was so interested in, so I finally convinced my boyfriend to have sex with me, and I was confused. So I tried again (can't let first impression ruin things, right?), and it was so horrible I told him I never wanted to do that ever again. We eventually broke up, and I thought "Ok, now I'm free to find a really sexy guy with no strings attached while I'm in Quebec this summer". I really wanted to want it, you know? I actively searched out a guy I would want sex with. They didn't exist. So then I was like "am I gay?" so I thought about any women that I would want to have sex with. They also didn't exist. And I realized that I would want to be romantic with either, but not sexually active with either. So then I met a guy and I wanted to cuddle, but he wanted sex, so I thought I'd try it again, and it was still awful, but I persisted because I thought "it had to get better one day". So now I was able to compare my experiences with my friends (I had been with two people multiple times), and I realized that I was the only one that hated sex. I married the guy, and eventually broke when it came to sex and told him how much I hated it and that I wished I never had to do it ever again. The guilt about this (he was super sexual) made me feel so broken, so I started reading books on when someone doesn't want sex, or when it hurts or blah blah blah, and nothing seemed right. I'm like "this isn't me, none of this makes sense for me". Despite all of my searches, and talking with people and a counselor (who told me I was hiding sexual abuse in my past, or repressing my sexuality), I couldn't find anything that made sense to me. I searched for a YEAR before I found AVEN, so that entire time I felt seriously lost, lonely, and completely broken. Then I found AVEN and was like "what up. This makes sense. FINALLY"

So to sum it up:

1. Broken - either physically or psychologically
2. Gay - though this isn't exactly a "wrong" thing
3. Psychological trauma from past abuse
4. Repressed sexuality based on religious upbringing

5. Unknown cause of "wrongness"

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noctiscaelum

I always felt like I had a lack of libido because I was late bloomer and hadn't found the right person yet. Sex is promoted everywhere; on TV, on the radio, in movies, etc. It's quite a common thing and everyone is basically expected to have it and enjoy it. Then I read up about asexuality and finally realized what was going on.

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Manly Ace

Rather the contrary for me.

My questions were always directed to others: how can they be heterosexuals/homosexuals ? :blink:
In my mind, both heterosexuality and homosexuality have always felt wrong for me, and that's still the case today, and even until my death. :wacko:

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SlightlyToxicXmasShrub

I'm not quite sure I thought something was "wrong" with me, only that I knew I was not like my peers for a reason I couldn't explain. Occasionally it worried me but I always pushed away the feelings and just tried to be okay with being odd. Other than that, I never really thought much about my lack of sexual attraction/interest/desire. Mostly I thought everyone was exaggerating about their interest in sex, and I felt like I had no reason to be dishonest (with myself, at least) that I wasn't.

I was lucky to have a great friend group throughout middle/high school and while, looking back, there were clearly some differences and I did have to spend a decent amount of time deciphering some of the things they talked about, they never made me feel too out of place or weird. The way they described me was "You're you" and we all just kind of accepted that. That's why even though I suspected that something was clearly different about me, I never went out searching for or created a specific term to describe myself.

It "helped" that I attended a Christian middle/high school, where abstinence was preached (there was no comprehensive sex ed), so I actually thought that I was doing something right. I had a sizable amount of "moral superiority" that I felt, which wasn't okay at all. In middle school confirmation, we were taught about the sixth commandment (thou shall not commit adultery) and how it meant that sex before marriage was adultery. Thus, we were told we shouldn't have sex until we were married. After class, I asked my mother to clarify what sex was, exactly (although I had heard about it from my best friend I wanted an credible source), and when she told me, I thought it was disgusting but I never saw it as something that would ever reply to me. It was a piece of information, that was it.

I then went all the way through puberty and never got a libido (I wouldn't even know about libidos until college and wouldn't get the irritating little bit of one I have now that serves no purpose until I tried self-stimulus one night out of curiousity), and so I still didn't see the big deal, not even all the way through high school. I didn't get why it we were constantly told "don't have sex" - after all, in my mind, who honestly wanted to have sex? To me, sex was just another subject you had to learn about in health class, and it mostly only related to diseases and reproduction. I didn't think it was something people actually felt the urge to do. Now, with only a thin scrap of faith and general disgruntlement towards the church, I wish that they would have taught comprehensive sex ed., so that maybe I would have realized I was asexual much quicker. I also wouldn't have had to go through the trouble of figuring out if my religious upbringing had repressed me.

I had crushes growing up, partially fueled by the desire to have someone to definitely dance with at school social events and mostly to answer the dreaded question "who do you like?". My junior year I started dating a guy, but I was never sexually attracted to him (or anyone, for that matter - although my friends often said there were "no attractive guys in our school" and often pointed to the ones from other schools that were attractive, but I could never tell the difference). Luckily he didn't press things, at all, not even a mention, which makes me wonder if he was asexual too, or if he had taken the abstinence message to heart or was just a really nice guy. I broke up with him by the end of senior year, mostly because we were going to different colleges anyways and I just didn't see a future with him. I still didn't recognize there was something other people felt for their significant other that I did not, but I was starting too - it was there, in the back of my mind and growing. There was a part of me, when I ended the relationship, that mistook my non-attraction for non-love, and that I regret because I did care about him. We graduated, and I haven't seen or talked to him since.

I first heard about asexuality about a year ago while reading someone's post about a character. They mentioned that there were theories that this character was asexual but didn't elaborate. Until that point, I only knew about asexual in the biology sense, and I was super confused as to how a human(oid) character could be asexual. Naturally it was research time, so I googled "asexual in regards to humans" and did some reading. Eventually I found a blog that described my inner workings almost perfectly (which was a little creepy but also amazing) and then I ended up on AVEN. All at once, as everything settled and I absorbed everything I had encountered, I had an incredible moment of realization that opened up a whole new world for me. I think I actually leaned back in my chair, jaw dropped in amazement, and said "Oh my goodness. This is me."

There was a long period of research and questioning as the rest of things finally began clicking into place. I'm still working out myself - some things actually slipped out when others clicked, such as what the heck my romantic orientation is, and where exactly I fall on the asexual spectrum. I decided that the last part doesn't matter, because I could spend the rest of my life trying to chart it all out and quantify every aspect of myself. I've told my mother and my best friend, who naturally had questions but were open to talking about it and the discussion helped so much. Mostly now I just want to raise awareness so that other people who think they're "broken" don't have to spend years worrying and wondering and feeling different like I did.

While there are some bad days, I don't think I've ever felt this good about myself. :)

(wow that was longer than I anticipated, gosh I'm long-winded. Here's some cake to make up for the autobiography :cake: :cake: )

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Eggs

Well I thought I was abnormal. I was also called frigid and other horrible names by an ex and these words stuck in my mind for too long. I tried so hard to be "normal" after that, for many years :( I'm now very happy to be who I am, an asexual, possibly biromantic or possibly panromantic? Something along those lines :)

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Poeticdiva

I don't know. it drove me crazy trying to figure out why I wasn't like everyone else. I thought maybe I was broken or just confused. I was glad to find out I wasn't broken.

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OhThereYouArePerry

I thought of myself as being unusual and incomplete. The words I often used to describe myself were "empty", "cold" and "distanced". I did worry about it for a while, I also seriously considered whether I was possibly gay, but after some introspection realized that I had no interest in either gender. And when I found AVEN, and read other asexuals' stories and experiences, I had several "That describes me perfectly!" moments, and could completely relate to someone else for the very first time in my life. It felt like finding the solution to a great mystery, when after you find the solution you immediately go into flashback mode and realize how obvious it all was, how the signs were always there, and how beautifully everything fits together and makes perfect sense.

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paperwishes

I thought something was wrong with me biologically and that I could take pills for it. Could not find pills.

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Yoruichi

I thought everyone else was like me and just faked liking sex and having orgasms ;) Shortly after my 30th birthday I got the question on a forum, if I was asexual, so I googled it. And of course, I am asexual!

Everything makes so much more sense now, and my relationship is much better now that my SO understands that my lack of sexual attraction towards him is nothing personal :)

I still think that sex is better for men than for women, in general ;)

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TheNomment

Well, my story isn't that long, but I'll still say it.

It started in the 6th grade. Health class, what a joy. We were learning about relationships, and most everyone has been in a relationship, most everyone, because I was the only person who was never in a relationship (and I still haven't). They said the reasons they chosed them was because the guys thought the girls were sexy, and the girls thought the guys were hot. At the time, I thought nothing of it, but we were learning about sexual diseases, and I distinctly remember that the instructor had us yell penis. I laughed because it was the normal thing to do. Did I actually find it funny, maybe, but not now, because I was 11 or 12 at the time, but I also remember that before I ever set foot in that class, the teacher asked the previous class that my friend was in, who was still a virgin, 11 and 12 year olds. Not even half raised their hands, well according to my friends, and I would believe it, because said popular students would basically be sluts in my school. I wasn't surprized now or at that age, but spite everyone wanting to have sex, I didn't want it. zi just thought it was absentince. Celibacy.

7th grade I remember a time where one of my best friends came out as bi, and at the time, and as a ally(even though in some people's minds I would still be concidered one) I fully supported her, but her coming out left me, the entire 7th grade, questoning my sexuallity, because I didn't get the "feeling" towards anyone, so that left me feeling I was bi, and I remember that I even went to the one that came out and she told me to go to a friend who told me I was bi-curious. I left 7th grade not sure of my sexuallity.

8th grade, I was still not sure what I was, but at the time, I only knew about gay/lesbians, bi and straight. Since I was confused, I would say straight, and I still do say I'm straight unless asked by a trusted source. But at a football game, I was asked my sexuallity, I said straight, but the person who asked, said she was pansexual. At the time, I didn't know what was pansexual, so I went to look up a list of all sexualities. That's when I found asexual. The first day, I looked at it and said, naw that's not me, then the next day, I researched, because it was bugging me. The term asexual wouldn't get out of my head. It drove me a bit crazy for that day. I stumbled upon things similar to this, and things said "I only saw sex as reproduction and research, not pleasure." Yep. "The idea of sex never appealed to me." Yes. "I never really understood why people destroyed their lives for sex." Preaching to the choir, sister. Then, there came this one, "I never could define the word sexy." That baffled me, because a word's term could be easily known through dictionaries, but when I think about it, I can't define it either. it drove me crazy, again. Why didn't I know this term!? That very day, I had to meet up with a friend after school for school stuff, and I asked her for the definition of sexy. She was easily able to tell me. There I was confused, but then it hit me. I was asexual. That's why my mind drove me crazy over it. It already knew I was, I just wouldn't accept it.

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CosmicStardust

I just thought that I was a late-bloomer and that maybe I would become attracted to someone later in life.

Later on, when I was still never physically attracted to anyone, I searched on google and discovered asexuality. Then, I identified as asexual.

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Relz

I never thought anything was wrong with me. I thought everyone else was weird for having pics of celebrities in their locker, getting giggly around boys, trying to impress their crushes, etc. I thought maybe they were trying to imitate television, and that's why they were acting all love crazy. I never factored love or relationships into my plan for an ideal future. I am/was completely indifferent and saw nothing wrong with that.

About 5 years ago, I started thinking about what dating would be like and had a major "do not want" moment. I guess I realized I was different then, searched the internet to see if other people felt that way, discovered asexuality, and it just made sense to me. :)

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Christine L.S

I thought I was gay. Yeah...my house, despite my Mom mostly being a strong Christian, was very sexually open. Sex was viewed as a good thing, and my parents never really hid the act from me and I viewed sex as necessary for a good marriage. My dad didn't even understand the stigma...so yeah, before Middle School, I knew all about sex and the associated body parts. My first clue really should have been that I only view sex as a clinical act. In fifth grade, I had no reaction when my class did when we when over the sexual parts of the male and female body complete with diagrams...oddly this was in a church. Or in 6th grade when I went to a church service about the Song of Solomon...I just thought it was pretty poetry...when I learned the sexual implications, it fit within my worldview and led me to question nothing.

7th grade and I realized I did not want to date boys so naturally I thought the only other option was girls. Yeah...then I thought bi because I felt the same for boys and girls which was nothing which I assumed the sexual drive would come later. It never came, along with the romance drive.

Funny enough, my Mom now thinks I am gay since I have not dated in college. ^_^ It probably does not help that I have a really close friendship with my roommate that happens to be bi or my hair is very short.

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chipmunkgirl

My reasoning changed as I grew older...

11-13: Other people are just pretending so they'll seem cool and more grown-up

14-19: I'm a "late bloomer" and I will be attracted to people one day

20-22: I'm not trying hard enough. If I try harder to be attracted to other people, then I will be.

22: Found AVEN. I am asexual.

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mav709

I really appreciate reading all these stories. I'm still trying to sort out whether I'm sexual, gray-A, or asexual, so it's nice to get so many perspectives in one place.

As for me, for a while I thought I was either a late bloomer or had a lot of self-control. Other guys would talk about wanting to have sex with girls, and like a lot of asexual people, I figured it was a bit of overcompensation, an imitation of expected behaviors in movies and TV. I understood liking girls, but I just assumed the sex part was a kind of implicit part of that, not something people specifically thought about. (For example, I literally thought "I'd bang her" meant "her face is pretty enough that I'd be willing to look at it for a long time while we're having sex," which I'm now pretty sure is completely not true.)

At a certain point in college, I was pretty stressed about my lack of a love life. I hadn't dated anyone ever, and a few false starts had ended in failure. Most of all, though, I was bothered by my seeming inability to pick up on and respond to cues from women who were attracted to me, despite the fact that I had no issues with normal, nonsexual social situations. I never verbalized it very well, but it was a feeling that there was a part of my brain missing that was supposed to handle that "spark" of sexual attraction that drives people's relationships.

Then I inadvertently ended up in my first (and only) relationship, with a girl who I had had a crush on for years. I liked her a lot, but when it came to physical and especially sexual stuff, I found myself oddly detached. I never had any particular desire to have sex (again, I just assumed it was prodigious self-control), and she had to push for it in order for us to try it (the relationship ended soon after our first, failed attempt). I concluded around that time that I had some sort of intimacy issue, since I also had trouble opening up emotionally.

Nowadays I'm still unsure, so I have a couple of other possible explanations. The current one is that I'm just overanalyzing my sexual attraction, thereby dulling it, though I'm starting to doubt that more and more since most sexuals can't just "think away" their attraction.

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horseshoe

It's been a very long journey.

As a kid, I vaguely remember noticing that girls were developing breasts,etc. And I noticed how beautiful Lt Ilia was in the original Star Trek movie. Persis Khambatta is the only person I've ever reacted to, and it might just be a gold-plated memory that didn't really happen the way I remember.

As a teenager, I remember sex-ed and the other crap they fed us in high school. I am from a very devoutly Christian home, and since abstinence before marriage is a virtue, I stayed pure for marriage. Or, at least that was my public story.

By college I was noticing that my libido still hadn't switched on. But I was a very late bloomer and was actually still growing, so I didn't worry too much.

By now, saving myself for marriage is becoming a tired excuse that is not as believable as it once was.

By age 25 I had a deal with my mother...if my sex drive hadn't switched on by then I'd go see a doctor to see what was wrong. Found out I was still going through puberty (statistical outlier, finally completed at age 27) and that my hormones were fine. Nothing wrong.

By this point, I was just calling myself non-sexual, and often used the word broken.

By 30, I had decided everybody in the world was either experiencing a shared delusion, or was just stupid and I was more evolved than them. Okay, I have a healthy self-image and a massive ego.

By 35 I had thrown myself into work, and volunteer for my church, identifying more and more as broken. Given up on ever being "fixed."

By 40 I was exclusively using the word broken. Figured something was missing, even though I didn't miss it.

Just before my 41st birthday I did a web search to see if anyone else was similarly broken...and discovered AVEN. Immediate recognition of my "symptoms" and acceptance.

Age 43 now, and I am much more accepting of my broken-ness than before. I'm asexual!

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Squick

First, I've never been quite certain I was asexual (rather than some other issue). All I know is I don't want sex or a relationship.

I didn't know anything was wrong until after a few boyfriends and sexual attempts, and things kept getting worse. When I searched online, I came across this site, and even then, I didn't buy it. I thought, "But everyone likes someone! That can't be a thing." Then I read a story about someone who didn't like anyone, and eventually, I realized that romantic attraction was something different, and I started wondering if I'd actually experienced sexual attraction or just...other kinds.

Anyway, as I still don't understand any of this, something may very well still be wrong with me.

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topit

Yes, I thought I was a late bloomer until some time in 9th grade. By that point I realized that it was a ridiculous assumption because I am literally like 6 feet tall.

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Slizzy26

I've always known I was ace, but had no word for it. All the signs were there looking back now (never had a porn collection, never have been to a strip club) there was just no interest. I always figured it was some kind of chemical imbalance, some biological defect that just made me want to have sex. An actual orientation never occurred to me. What did other people think about their asexuality before you knew the word, not so much in what did you call it, but what did you think was the cause of your lack of desire?

I never thought anything was wrong with me, orientation was one of the few things I never thought about. However, when I did finally take pause and give it some though, for a long time I thought I was a lesbian . I kept waiting to get to college so I could "experiment" and see how much I liked it. However, when I had the opportunity to experiment by coming out to this girl, I froze, and denied being a lesbian. I somewhat kick myself for not saying I was, but I always knew that I told the truth. This was never a problem for me however.

What made me start researching was when I turned twenty six, I started to realize that it had been four years since my last relationship (which was short, only 10 days). While I was fine with this, it began to dawn on me that other people my age were getting married and having children and I needed to figure out definitively what my actual orientation was and what I wanted from a relationship or if I wanted one at all, so I could be upfront with people, and not waste their time dating me only to discover that we aren't compatible. I didn't want to have to figure this all out in a relationship, I wanted to know ahead of time. That's what lead me to start researching orientations, and through that research process I found asexuality and everything fit.

I also came to realize that I have aesthetic and sensual attractions to women, which is why I thought I was a lesbian for so long. So now, after three years on AVEN, I know my orientation and my preferred relationship style, and I am confident that I will be able to have that. I also feel no pressure to conform, and the stress of "figuring things out" is gone.

I hope this answers your question.

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Robin L

I used to think that I was just weird. Since I'm already a weirdo among my peers, I thought it's just another part of the "weirdness". But to tell the truth, I prefer "because I'm weird".

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SDBookFan

I mostly thought that it was just another part of my weirdness, maybe linked to the fact that I'm not a fan of physical contact. However, for a period of time, I was terrified that I was a sociopath. My friends calmed me down by saying that the fact I was afraid of being one meant I wasn't a sociopath, but I didn't really put that fear to rest until I discover asexuality.

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Syphon

I didn't think anything was "wrong" with me - I just knew I was different from everyone else.

Word for word what I was going to say.

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paperwishes

Did anyone else think they could try to use drugs to fix it, or was that just me? -_-

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fiveofspades

I've always wondered why I don't crave for sex or romantic relationships while other people seem to go crazy and incredibly unhappy without it. I've never thought of dating until I was around 25 years old and I was surprised to learn that some have had sex as early as 13 years old. C'mon. :wacko:

I just thought I was too young for these things and one day, I will learn to want sex, when I'm a full-grown adult! But I'm now in my mid-20s and the desire is still not there. I noticed that it's not a phase I would outgrow but it's actually my personality. :wacko: Not that I didn't try. I tried a few times to be in a relationship but I end up neglecting those people and not giving what they want.

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averylongwalk

I always thought it was a game, like it was just something fun people did but I guess I assumed everyone else was pretending too. After I realized people weren't actually faking, and they really felt strongly about fleeting moments or arduous relationships, I thought something was "wrong" with them.

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Una Salus Victus

Up until recently, I thought I was just a somewhat over the top celibate. Less than a week ago I hear about this ace thing, and the more I think about it, the more it makes sense.

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CBC

Nothing. I didn't see sex as relevant to my life and didn't see anything odd about not caring about it. Mostly it just never crossed my mind; it was something other people apparently did.

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