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Adogg

What did you think was "wrong" with you before you knew the word asexual?

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Waist of Thyme

I was aware that most other people experienced sexual attraction, but I didn't think there was anything wrong with me just because I didn't.

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Heart of Darkness

For the longest time, the combination of being aromantic and asexual led me to believe I was somewhat "emotionally defective". Sexual attraction nor crushes nor anything along those lines made logical sense to me as I didn't experience them. I would hear my friends frantically whispering about guys and their "hot" asses or "sexy" body/hair/eyes/whatever-it-happened-to-be-yet-still-made-no-sense, and wonder what was wrong with my that my brain seemed completely shut off to any of those feelings.

I would try asking them how they knew they liked someone or what made a person hot; needless to say, their answers were vague. Apparently it was supposed to be some sort of inherent idea wired into your very being. As for sexy looks, it was the general sort of crap spewing out of teen and celeb magazines. Eventually I figured out (and memorized) what were supposedly huge turn ons in order to save myself from the dreaded "so, whodyalike?".

Lost, I tried to ask more, but it seemed my way of thinking was "highly abnormal". Several suggestions (in very hushed whipsers and furtive glancing about so they wouldn't be heard by overly-archaic conservatives) that maybe I was a lesbian later, still no luck. I tried to open up a bit. Yes, girls seemed a better prospective (they actually take pride in their appearance), but i still didn't feel any sort of...attraction.

Eventually through tumblr I learned little bits and pieces about asexuality--it's really great knowing I'm not a lone "sociopath" of sorts. ^_^

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Scottthespy

Honestly, I thought there was something wrong with all my friends. I looked around at them, having sex at sixteen? What the hell was wrong with them? Then I was seventeen...eighteen...and I still was the one not interested. But y'know what? I didn't really care. I've always been weird. Dangerously low blood pressure, double jointed in my entire body, high frequency hearing(I can hear the electricity in light bulbs)...so I figured it was one more oddity. But since this was high school and just after high school, all my friends romances ended in flames, heartache, and other nonsense, so I honestly felt relived when I came to the conclusion that I may never develop a desire for that kind of thing. I was about twenty before a found a word for it, and pretty much shrugged that off too, because it didn't really have much of an effect. Now I had a word that still required the same if not more explanation than just telling people I wasn't into that. I did a few experiments with porn and such to see what was 'wrong' with me, but it was never 'wrong' in the sense that it worried me or seemed like something I had to fix. It was more a quest to find out just how far these differences went, so that when people inevitably asked questions, I would have answers. I've always felt totally comfortable in my own skin, differences, oddities, and freakshow aspects and all.

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muntjacc

I never thought anything was wrong- I've always been (and still am) quite childish in my tastes and I thought that an aversion to relationships and/or sex was a reflection of that. I've always felt behind my peers in terms of emotional/sexual development; a friend will ask me who I find hot and I'll have no answer. I just don't see people in that way, and never have.

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Whispearl

I've always been a bit naive to sexual things, and I thought that as I got older I'd hear/learn stuff and finally understand what the fuss was about. Now that I have a name for what I feel and I'm pretty sure it won't be changing soon, I couldn't care less what the fuss is about.

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RedPanda3

During my teenage years, I really didn't think anything was "wrong" with me because I assumed that I was normal and other girls felt the same as me. In TV sitcoms and such, the woman was always portrayed as not caring about sex or just enduring her husband's advances and not desiring sexual contact at all (think Everybody Loves Raymond and such). So, I thought it was completely normal for women to not want sex, as naive as that sounds, but that's what was shown to me growing up and that's how I interpreted it.

When I got older, I obviously found out that that's not true, that women are supposed to be sexually aroused and want to have sex, and it hit me that I was abnormal because the idea of having sex with a guy was disgusting to me on so many levels. So I assumed I must be lesbian, especially because I had some platonic crushes on girls as well as guys. After a few weeks of trying to get aroused by women in fantasies, I failed utterly and concluded I definitely wasn't a lesbian. I was beyond confused, frustrated, and just accepted that I was mentally disordered and probably have to see some sort of sex therapist even though I had no desire whatsoever to "fix" this because I knew I didn't want sex ever. And then, I came across the term romantic asexuality and boom, everything clicked. The only problem is, now I understand my orientation, but no one else in my life will.

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Turning

Yeah until about 19 I didn't think anything was wrong. I figured I just wasn't getting something - I truly just depended on the late bloomer theory. Later I just resigned that I was a very strange person. Weird really. I had no explanation why though I often tried to sort through my earlier experiences in life and figure out what caused me to be weird in such a way. I never did find any answers in that thought process. Then I found Aven ^_^ . And I'm still weird but not the same broken kind of way I thought I was.

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words are futile devices

To be honest, it never occurred to me as a high school/college student that I was much, if any, different from my peers. I grew up in a sheltered home, raised by parents who were very strict about the movies and tv I was allowed to watch, music I could listen to, and people I could befriend. I also went to a private Christian school from 1st-10th grade. My parents never ever so much as uttered the word "sex" around my siblings and me when we still lived at home. I'm really not quite sure when or how I began to understand that whole... process. I guess I picked up bits and pieces here and there. As far as teenagers go, I was pretty naive about life in general.

I had many crushes throughout junior high and high school, as did my friends, and we would sit around at sleepovers and talk about boys and dating and what not. But none of my friends ever talked about sex either. It's like, the subject just never came up. We were all very hush-hush about it. I don't know... I can't speak for the things my friends thought about at that time, but I know I sure never was occupied with sexual thoughts or fantasies. Not even when I had my first official boyfriend senior year. Making out with him was repulsive and something I would simply endure because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But I had no trouble at all rejecting his other advances (like sticking his hand down my jeans).

ANYWAY, to make a very long story short, at most I thought I had intimacy issues, after experiencing potential-relationship failure time and time again. Soon after my latest almost-romantic escapade last spring, I discovered asexuality (and all the romantic orientations!), and suddenly it all made a whole lot more sense. The end. :P

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blossombreeze

I always thought I was just like every other girl really, having sex to make her partner happy and thats it. Then when i got older i noticed thats actually not that normal after all. I thought maybe it was cause i was molested as a kid, like i was broken emotionally when it came to sex. But i've realized in the past few years thats not really a good explaination for me.

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Ultimate Truth

I am only just coming out of this phase of trying to find what is "wrong" with me. I have always recognized that I was different than other people. I could not figure out how everyone else operated, and I could never understand how or why they let their emotions and sex drives control their lives. I had never experienced true emotions and never felt such an urge for sex. Not being able to escape what seemed to be a natural desire for association, I bounced around from many different groups. I first thought I had aspergers (which runs in my family), then I thought I was bisexual, but it still didn't feel right. It became so frustrating trying to explain what was going on to other people because nobody could understand where I was coming from. I have always asked my friends why they think someone is attractive, but I never got anything more than "you just gotta feel it," or "you just know." I finally found asexuality only a short while ago and it is such a relief to hear from people who understand me. :rolleyes:

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Animatescapist

Honestly, I used to attribute it to my social ineptitude as a kid. I was always sort of an outcast during elementary school. I never had more than 2 or 3 friends at a time, and I always had my nose in a book. I was very confident in my intellectual and creative abilities, but I was very insecure about my appearance and social skills. The "popular" kids made fun of me behind my back and expected me not to notice. The result of this was that my perception of myself in relation to other people took a huge downturn. I never saw myself as "cool" or even worthy of positive attention. Having friends was a privilege for me, not an expectation. I felt socially inadequate for most of my childhood, and I was never surprised when the other kids were better at social things than I was. It just felt natural that they would be because I was so unconfident. It was the same with sex and relationships. Other girls started having boyfriends, but nobody was interested in me. I wasn't surprised. Why would they be? My mindset was that nobody would be attracted to me because I wasn't pretty or cool like everyone else. I was never attracted to anybody either, but I thought it was because I was childish and just all around bad at being a person. My confidence started increasing in high school because I started finding my voice and realizing that I didn't have to be like the popular kids for people to like me. It was around this time that I started to wonder about why other people were so focused on sex, but I still saw them as belonging to a different world that I didn't have access to. It was just another weird difference between me and everyone else. Since then, my confidence has gotten a lot better, and honestly, I think it has something to do with discovering my asexuality. My lack of interest in sex is not just a social deficiency that I have to fix. It's a part of my identity. It's normal and I can't change it. I feel a lot better because of it :)

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JGR

I thought my asexuality was due to not having had sex yet, and maybe if I met the right guy I'd "bring myself around." Of course I couldn't convince myself of this because I had trouble imagining myself in sexual situations without grossing myself out. Luckily I realized that asexuality actually exists and there's nothing wrong with us. :cake:

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theotherfey

I never thought anything was wrong with me.

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editingatwork

Through most of my life, I didn't question whether something was "wrong" with me. I enjoy people in an aesthetic way, and I always assumed that was how sexual attraction felt. I also figured that my lack of immediate "sexual attraction" meant that I needed a close emotional bond in order to feel that way. I also like hugs and cuddling (to an extent), so I didn't have any sex-repulsion feelings to use in an argument against my ever liking sex.

But after breaking up with two boyfriends once the relationship got intimate, I finally began to question whether there was something "wrong" with me that made me tense up, hesitate, and generally get bored/disgusted/uncomfortable whenever my partner wanted sex. I focused on emotional issues, agonizing over it for a long time. Then, very recently and overnight, I had the sudden inspiration that maybe I just didn't like sex at all. At last I did real research on asexuality, and discovered AVEN, and in the past week I've read hundreds of testimonials that have resonated with me in a way that no sexual orientation ever has before. I've even noticed that, as I relieve myself of the pressure to think about sex or care about it, it's exceedingly easy to do so. Even the thought of being in a relationship where my partner neither wants nor expects sex is a relief. I've always expected that a relationship will, at some point, require sex, which is a terrible way to think about it and yet the only way I've ever been able to think about it. To realize that I could, in fact, date someone who'd care as little about sex as I do somewhat boggles me even now.

Because of my libido and affectionate nature, I've never felt as isolated or "wrong" as I think many other asexuals have, and yet I do recognize a heavy weight lifting off me upon privately declaring myself as asexual. (Privately as in only on this board and to myself, not to friends and family yet.)

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EdenRose

In my mind, I could never seem to connect "Love" and the act of "Sex" as being connected in any way, while everybody else seemed to see the "obvious" link.

To me Love lead to kissing, relationship, and marriage. To other people Love lead to sex. :blink:

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Bytor

I had always thought I was repressing something. I thought that some day, I would stop and be like everyone else. I've always been socially awkward, so I also thought it might be connected to that. I imagined that, some day, I would be just as sex-crazed as all of my peers. It was only until the last year or so that I started to realize that I could be different from everyone else, and I could be born that way, and that it wouldn't be something that I would just "grow out of".

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House of Chimeras

Honestly, it just never occurred to us. Never thought anything wrong, just that "not interested and don't care so why bother?"

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canguy

Honestly I just thought I was gay or just had a weird lack of emotion or some mental disability. There were years when I thought I was just some weird cold freak that was incapable of loving anyone, that was not a particularly fun time of my life. The worst part it I actually started to believe I needed to see a therapist because I was so afraid I had antisocial personality disorder. Now I know I'm not thank goodness.

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Kazu

I never felt "broken" pre se, I just felt different. Like I was missing something. My parents never gave me the sex talk so everything I knew (and well, still know) has been learned solely through being curious, having 24/7 access to a laptop, and googling things late at night. It seemed incredibly likely I had just accidentally missed something. I've also been somewhat a late bloomer so up until last year my disinterest in dating and sex never bothered me. I was obviously just a little behind all of my classmates. When I got to high school I starting wondering just how behind I was. I went to an all girls' private high school at the time so I was constantly hearing about crushes, dating, and visiting the all boys's school that wasn't too far away. This was seemingly everything my new classmates talked about it. I also was severely depressed at the time so that plus low self esteem, a new environment, and not being able to relate made me just want to isolate myself. It also didn't help that when I hung out with my grade/middle school friends they all talked about their crushes for an almost unbearable amount of time. I felt so behind, I couldn't relate. Something had to be wrong, I assumed me being a late bloomer and my depression had to do with it. From early 2012 (latter half of 8th grade and first half of 9th grade for me) to spring 2013 I just thought that along with my depression, my lack of sexual and romantic attraction were just things I had. They weren't problems (well the depression obviously was but I didn't see it that way at the time) but I dealt with them. (I was so depressed at the time that I didn't feel a lot of emotions to begin with. In other words I was numb. Not feeling attraction of any sort seemed normal in that situation) It didn't bother me too much except for when I was surrounded by other, seemingly dating obsessed teenagers.

My memory's really bad but late spring of last year was probably when I first head about asexuality. I thought that's what I might be but I was really confused because a few years ago during a conversation with one of the girls that rode my bus (this was in 8th grade I think) she said "Oh you're such a cute, romantic person." Now that I think though, about it I remember it being late at night and googling "Not finding other people sexually attractive" A bunch of AVEN forum posts came up, I'd google a bunch of other questions too and more AVEN links came up. I'm pretty sure it was a tumblr post about different orientations that made me look up asexuality though. I don't exactly remember when I started considering myself asexual though as I've always kinda known. I just didn't have a word for it until about 8 months ago. But yeah, I never felt broken, just out of the loop. Like I was on the outside looking in. I still feel that way but at least I now know there's a bunch of other people on the outside too.

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Mysticus Insanus

Oh, quite a bunch of things are "wrong" with me, and I've felt so pretty much ever since I was ten or something. None of these "wrongnesses" have to do with sexuality or lack of it, though.

As for the topic sexuality, I can only echo what LaMeastra said:

There was nothing wrong with me, I didn't (and still don't) want sex and everyone just has to accept it.

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Janus DarkFox

I never thought differently, I don't even compare myself to others to notice sexual or even social differences.

All I could know is that everyone is asexual... I find it hard seeing people differently, but I'm smart enough to know everyone's unique.

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Squirrel Combat

I thought I was just a complete and epic failure. At least now I know why.

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peanut-butter-cloud

I thought everyone was secretly asexual and only faking an interest in sex.

Bit of a shock when I found out otherwise. o_O

I also thought this! When I was younger, I thought I was just a "late bloomer" or something and that something was wrong with me, and I have had brain damage my whole life so I thought that might be the cause. When I became a teenager, at some point I changed my opinion and started thinking that everyone else was just pretending to fall in love and be sexually attracted to others because that was the "normal" thing for people to do.

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Neb

I thought I was simply anti-social. Thus, I felt, in a way, become "trapped in time" or grew more slowly until I could fix this social aspect. Only after I finally "grow" will I share this interest with others.

I reached college and I'm still not interested.

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JR17

I thought I was gay because I have a aesthetic and sensual attraction to men. I thought something was off when I realized that I don't have a desire to have sex with them.

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weloveclover

I had some messed up teenage years. So prepare for a lovely happy essay on my life from 16 - 21.

The content below has been spoilered. Trigger warning: suicide attempts.

I was a victim of teenage peer pressure to lose my virginity as I thought everyone else in school has, turned out they hadn't and I was the only one (after finding this out I became incredibly stubborn). I basically wasn't comfortable with my self afterwards and thought if I screwed more people then it would sort itself out and by that time other people would have lost their virginity and I wouldn't be alone. But basically because my group of friends had already broken through the "sexual barrier" as in were having regular sex with no over attachment etc. we moved onto drug use. I tried almost everything under the sun turned up to lots of my exams high as hell somehow passed all of them and got better than my predicted grades (which confuses me how I did it to this day). I'm pretty sure the school lnew what was going on but it was a private school so they don't really bother themselves with drug use. But through the whole thing I had a girlfriend in a very lose sense of the word. Basically we were romantically involved but not sexually, so we both emotionally supported each other while she was screwing my best friend and his older brother...

The whole time this was going on my parents were arguing and fighting, which is why I spent so much time out of the house by myself or with friends. I only have a rough idea why they were fighting but basically my Dad was diagnosed with hormonal imbalance and has since de-stressed and calmed down. I kind of labelled myself as that as I thought if Dad has it then I probably do as well and would explain why I'm always so conflicted when it comes to relationships.

By the time I left home for uni I was well into double figures as to the number of people I had slept with. I made friends with a group of exchange students went completely clean drug and sex wise. Got a stable girlfriend from said group who ended up slagging me off behind my back as I was putting off sex as anyone I messed around with didn't end up staying around as I would subconsciously kill the relationship. Got incredibly frustrated with her and myself, became depressed and had a 3 day panic attack that led to me being taken to A&E because the paramedics thought I had meningitis. It wasn't helpful that I was locked in my room and during day 2 of the panic attack there was a massive flat party and everyone was banging on my door, then the next day I could hear the flat slagging me off in the kitchen from my room and I had to call them for help to then crawl across the floor to unlock the door as I physically couldn't stand up. After that episode I found out about the term demi-sexual but refused to accept it and went on a sex rampage again this time non-exclusive to gender and was trying to convince myself I was Bi/Gay which is something I found out more about since moving to uni. There was one or two drunk suicide attempts in the mix somewhere as well (yay alcohol!) but nothing worth any concern really just me being lazy and not willing to deal with anything. I still felt no better after this rampage I was actually more repulsed by sex after this and so went celibate again and then just stuck with the term demi-sexual until I got really down about the whole thing again and started posting on forums that I was anti the whole sex thing and got really hostile responses and so through a bit more google searching came across a yahoo answers post about demi-sexuality and thought I might as well have a proper look into this and thus found AVEN and that's more or less where I'm at now. I'm currently Heteroromantic grey-ace and proud of it. The grey part is because I haven't been in a stable relationship long enough to say if I'm demi or not. It was just good to find other people who had similar thought patterns/lack of sexual desire.

To be honest this whole thing could have been avoided if Catholic schools sex ed wasn't just noting, after a terrible conservative video from the 70s, that either you're straight or gay and homosexuality wasn't really explained at all or anything more than just the word gay was mentioned. But yeah big thanks to everyone at/on AVEN for more or less sorting me out!

Edited by Heart
Spoiler put in for trigger content

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ThorHera

i never thought i was broken, just different. I could never understand the fuss ppl were making over sex, or why they wanted it. They were so into guys (school days) and i wasnt (am so old, no one spoke about homosexuals - that was said in whispers). I was once asked if i was a lesbian (had to look that up in dictionary). Nope, wasnt interested in females either. Had all the terms: Frigid, prude, Ice Princess, etc thrown at me cuz i wouldnt "put out". Why would i? I could NOT understand what it was that compelled them to HAVE to HAVE a partner, and that having sex was SO Fantastic. How many times did i hear the "You DONT know what you are missing" line. heh. Actually thought about having sex just to see what it was i was missing, but nyah, nope, the desire really wasnt there.

When relatnshps started going to the next level (making out), i would end the relatnshp ... always w/the thought; i am not ready for that. It was amusing, fascinating watching male after male, at their attempts to arouse me - was like they read all this stuff about sex in a manual. But it was these attempts at getting me aroused that made me think - shouldnt i be getting "hot", "horny", etc. SOoooo, i figured it was THEY that had a problem, THEY just didnt have the "right" moves. heh.

I didnt mind having a boyfriend, it was nice to have a companion to do stuff with - i saw these relatnshps the same as i had w/girlfriends. The length of the relatnshps had to do w/the sex. Some were 1 nite dates (as it seemed they wanted sex on 1st date) to one relatnshp that ended after 12 months, the guy said: well its been a yr, dont you think it is time we had sex? Heh. Never thought about sex, never occurred to me that the guys i dated wanted/needed/desired sex w/me - i thought we dated cuz we liked each other (like a platonic relatnshp). HA HA HA..... naive? I could not understand THEM, i asked myself many times - why dont i FEEL the same things THEY do? Every time i dated a guy, when it came to the sex part, it was, to me: he just doesnt "Do" (arousal) anything for me.

Didnt help that ppl did not really talk about sex, there was no sex ed (other than the health part: stds, pregnancy - how IT occurs). It is why i am an advocate for sex ed - AND that it should include Asexuals, cuz then i would have recognized myself, saved myself from a lot of misery, yrs of pondering of why i wasnt attracted to guys/girls or why i was never aroused/interested in ppl beyond platonic.

I like ppl, i just am not interested in sex, never have been, still am not interested in it (tho i do have sex w/my husb of over 30 yrs). Am not repulsed by it... it is just not there in my brain. Even when faced w/it, i look at it, sigh or roll my eyes. I dont get their obsession - never have and probably never will understand that part of biology.

And .... it WAS a relief to find AVEN, not cuz of me being "abnormal" (cuz i was not normal in MANY ways anyway), but cuz i finally was able to answer the questions i had about my disinterest in sexual relatnshps. Of why the "right" guy/moves never happened w/me. That there was a label/name for IT, that there were others out there like me, i was: NORMAL. I know that sounds contradictory - being broken/abnormal - even this i understood to being: Different, everyone is different - different interests, and some were more interested in sex than others. i mean you could see the differences in all the sexuals of how THEY handled sex/relatnshps ... it isnt like everyone had sex on the 1st date, tho some did. Some waited for the 10th date, some waited til marriage.

In my day, no one but a slut would date a player (one of those guys who liked to put notches on his belt/achievements in getting thus many girls laid). There is/was a full spectrum in the sex dept - i wasnt blind, so i figured i was toward the frigid side, and i didnt care - i disliked the prude term, as i was never a prude about sex, a mis-label, i just was not the least bit interested in sex. As for frigid, Ice Princess terms - i always thought - one day i will meet a guy that can melt the ice, it never happened.

But now, due to Aven, i understand myself, my feelings. I am thankful for this site and to those that contribute, tell their stories.

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Crealityisabeast

I never really thought what could be wrong with my in specifics. I just knew that I wasn't interested in dating or and of the other sexual stuff kids were doing when I was in highschool. I didn't think about it too much my first two years of college. It was really when I got to my current school that I thought there might be something wrong. At first I thought that I might be gay, but when I realized that I didn't feel anything sexual for either dudes or chicks then I started to worry.

I knew that I thought men were attractive but then I didn't know why I wasnt feeling 'hot' for them. it was a mess. I get into funks so easily that it was really hard for a while.

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Frilly-Frills

Well, I didn't think anything was wrong with me, I actually didn't give it very much thought, but I think there was always sort of a feeling in the back of my mind.

Before I stumbled upon asexuality, my reasoning was pretty much "I must be very good at following rules" Coming from a conservative family, and with all the "abstinence style" sex

education lessons coming from the school, I just assumed all the teachings had just really sunk in. I think there were signs earlier than than though, like when my two friends had a crush on the same guy in fourth grade and I was just like "...why?"

I never really thought of myself as any different though. I had a grand total of two crushes during middle school, so I considered myself among the average. Looking back on it now, it's pretty clear they were more squishes than crushes...not to mention the pretty darn ace-y way my only major crush ended. ( It was Valentines day and I was walking home and I was like...wait. I have absolutely no desire to be in a relationship with this person).

Then just a month or two ago, I found Aven.

Well, more specific, I stumbled upon a random post about asexuality, and was like "hey, this sounds a lot like me" and then I was like

"....oh"

It was an interesting moment, because it wasn't like an "oh my gosh!" or a "finally!" it was just like "oh...that makes sense. A lot of sense"

So, with the veracity of a girl who had been raised on research projects, I began to gather as much information on the subject as possible and here I am :)

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NamTar

I thought everyone was secretly asexual and only faking an interest in sex.

Bit of a shock when I found out otherwise. o_O

I thought everyone was aromantic and faking that! With sex, I think I thought they were just exaggerating. Like maybe they liked sex a little bit, but they were misrepresenting its importance in their lives. ^_^

I never really had much interest in sex or relationships. When I was a teenager, it didn't even bother so much in and of itself, except that people would make weird assumptions. Sometimes friends that were arguing with me would bring it up as an insult, to suggest that I was too ugly/weird/awkawrd to "get a boyfriend." This seemed pretty weird to me as an insult, because I didn't want a boyfriend. I never considered myself especially attractive (I'd say I'm average looking), but failed to see what this had to do with relationships since I wasn't interested in relationships anyway. People would assume that I was prudish (I am not), shy (I am not), or that I was "afraid of relationships" and/or sex (I didn't think this was true, either). In any case, it was a great relief to finally find a place like AVEN where there were other people more or less like me.

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