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Aromantics: What made you know you were truly aromantic?


NewfangledArtist

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NewfangledArtist

I'm wondering, what would you call being aromantic? I know what it is, not feeling romantic attraction. They're usually happy with friends. Which sounds like me. But I've also recently read an aromantic is 'someone who experiences little to no romantic attraction'.

Can any aromantics help me out here? I often suspect I might be but I'm not sure. I identify as grey but I never actually want to even date, not even occasionally. I was even meant to try a date today, but I just felt totally uncaring. I wasn't excited in a nice way. Or at all. A little anxious even, simply because I knew I agreed to something it turned out I wasn't at all interested doing. I merely said yes out of curiosity to see how I'd feel. But I do experience a tiny bit of romantic attraction. I feel like I fell in love once, but I didn't want to date him. Would you personally define that as a crush? Even if it lasted years? I've heard some aromantics say they have crushes and squishes but still don't want a romantic partner. Some have even said they enjoyed those crushes/squishes while they never feel a want to make a move. I also think I just admire people (males mainly) aesthetically. I don't think "Oh I want to cuddle and go out with him". Clean aesthetic appreciation on it's own isn't really romantic at all is it? That's mostly what I feel more than the romantic feelings which are rare.

If any of you could tell me about your experiences or what you think of what I said that might help me out :) I feel kinda silly even just calling my self grey-romantic sometimes when I don't even want or enjoy actual dating. Doesn't sound 'romantic' to me right now..

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I looked into my ideal future and realized I didn't see anyone beside me. Compounded with the knowledge that I'll have to make some rather difficult decisions, I realized it wasn't fair to being someone else along for the journey.

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I consider myself aromantic, though I can't say I'm 100% sure. I guess I'm about 98% sure.

Basically, romantic attraction is something I find very hard to define, difficult to understand what differentiates 'romantic' from 'friendly', 'affectionate', and the like.

Needless to say, I probably never felt it. I don't know, I did have feelings of wanting to spend time with a person (though this is generally fleeting), wanting to know more about them, sometimes, very rarely, I'd want to be affectionate with them.

I also seem to understand the concept of sexual attraction better than romantic attraction. For example, I don't really know the (emotional) difference between 'friends with benefits' and 'romantic-sexual partners'. You have a good relationship with each other, you like spending time together and enjoy each other's company, you have things in common, and sometimes you have sex. That component which makes them different? My brain just doesn't compute it. o_o

I do feel very close to my friends, and I am comfortable being physically intimate with some of them (not in a sexual way), but I still consider them friends, not romantic partners.

I also remember that when I attempted a sexual-romantic relationship, my partner started very suddenly thinking he could tell me how to lead my life, being clingy and wanting to spend lots and lots of time with me...which was a major deal-breaker and made me somewhat mentally unstable. So yeah...I probably can't even handle it when someone actively expresses romantic feelings for me o_o. On the other hand I can rationally understand when someone is sexually attracted to me...

It's kinda confusing (hence the WTFromantic label in my profile :D)

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It is the overwhelming sensation of dread and panic that occurs whenever someone has asked me on a date that was the tip off for me. I wanted to go hide under or behind some heavy furniture. This has occurred on multiple occasions, so it is not the people asking that are the problem.

I manage to retain enough composure to decline (not always gracefully, unfortunately), and leave before I meltdown. Then I do go and hide for a while until I can calm down. So yeah, I fit into the category of people who will always be single forever, and don't really mind it.

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NewfangledArtist

It is the overwhelming sensation of dread and panic that occurs whenever someone has asked me on a date that was the tip off for me. I wanted to go hide under or behind some heavy furniture. This has occurred on multiple occasions, so it is not the people asking that are the problem.

I manage to retain enough composure to decline (not always gracefully, unfortunately), and leave before I meltdown. Then I do go and hide for a while until I can calm down. So yeah, I fit into the category of people who will always be single forever, and don't really mind it.

I feel the same! I can be really friendly with someone, but once they want to ask me out I panic and think "Oh no, oh no go hide I don't want to!" It's like I actually get annoyed when people don't just want to be friends and I hate not knowing how to tell and put them down them nicely. I don't think it's just ordinary social anxiety either, it's really just me not wanting to get involved that way like you. :)

I consider myself aromantic, though I can't say I'm 100% sure. I guess I'm about 98% sure.

Basically, romantic attraction is something I find very hard to define, difficult to understand what differentiates 'romantic' from 'friendly', 'affectionate', and the like.

Needless to say, I probably never felt it. I don't know, I did have feelings of wanting to spend time with a person (though this is generally fleeting), wanting to know more about them, sometimes, very rarely, I'd want to be affectionate with them.

I also seem to understand the concept of sexual attraction better than romantic attraction. For example, I don't really know the (emotional) difference between 'friends with benefits' and 'romantic-sexual partners'. You have a good relationship with each other, you like spending time together and enjoy each other's company, you have things in common, and sometimes you have sex. That component which makes them different? My brain just doesn't compute it. o_o

I do feel very close to my friends, and I am comfortable being physically intimate with some of them (not in a sexual way), but I still consider them friends, not romantic partners.

I also remember that when I attempted a sexual-romantic relationship, my partner started very suddenly thinking he could tell me how to lead my life, being clingy and wanting to spend lots and lots of time with me...which was a major deal-breaker and made me somewhat mentally unstable. So yeah...I probably can't even handle it when someone actively expresses romantic feelings for me o_o. On the other hand I can rationally understand when someone is sexually attracted to me...

It's kinda confusing (hence the WTFromantic label in my profile :D)

I feel the same about the 'friends with benefits' lol. Like, shouldn't all friends have benefits of them being your friend anyway? Is always what I'm thinking too. Then those who do that with 'no strings attached' all to often become attached so it confuzzles me. :P The last part about some romantic partners trying to cling on and stick together - yeah, I can't handle it when people feel strongly romantic towards me either. I never even thought about that point :) Thank you, I think that might help me as surely a romantic person would be happy to have someone express romantic feelings towards them? I get the 'WTF' thinking about it feels harder than it should

I looked into my ideal future and realized I didn't see anyone beside me. Compounded with the knowledge that I'll have to make some rather decisions, I realized it wasn't fair to being someone else along for the journey.

That was a nice and relateable post to think about, thank you :) I don't see anyone in mine either - I'm not closed to the possibility of it ever happening, I just don't particularly want that plan of having somebody. I feel being alone would suit me fine. Quite an aromantic outlook I suppose

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The fact is I don't know for sure if I'm aromantic or asexual for that matter. It's difficult for me to imagine being in an intimate relationship and even harder for me to tell if I'll ever truly experience romantic or sexual attraction. I do have some libido and some desire for intimacy however, it's just not directed at anyone in particular. The thought of being in such relationships with someone in particular kinda icks me or scares me if anything.

The reason why I pick asexual/aromantic or grey-a is because that's how I feel most like and probably actually am, regardless of experience.

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pegasusoftraken

I've gone through periods of calling myself aromantic, WTFromantic, grey-romantic and refusing romantic/aromantic labels altogether. The reason I think I probably am aromantic is that I don't feel any difference between being friends with somebody and being in a relationship with somebody. And I can't really get my head round what the difference is between friends-with-benefits and relationships. Though I also really like doing sensual stuff with people so I feel that using aromantic to describe myself is a bit confusing. But ultimately all I can imagine myself being happy in would be something in between friends and a relationship, rather than an actual romantic relationship.

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It is the overwhelming sensation of dread and panic that occurs whenever someone has asked me on a date that was the tip off for me. I wanted to go hide under or behind some heavy furniture. This has occurred on multiple occasions, so it is not the people asking that are the problem.

I manage to retain enough composure to decline (not always gracefully, unfortunately), and leave before I meltdown. Then I do go and hide for a while until I can calm down. So yeah, I fit into the category of people who will always be single forever, and don't really mind it.

I feel the same! I can be really friendly with someone, but once they want to ask me out I panic and think "Oh no, oh no go hide I don't want to!" It's like I actually get annoyed when people don't just want to be friends and I hate not knowing how to tell and put them down them nicely. I don't think it's just ordinary social anxiety either, it's really just me not wanting to get involved that way like you. :)

I completely forgot about this, I react the same way. I start to avoid people who have expressed romantic interest in me. I always feel awkward about it, don't know how to deal with the situation and don't want to deal with it. And knowing that the person is interested in me romantically makes it weird and awkward to continue a friendly relationship. I mostly feel apologetic, because even if I like and appreciate the person, his feelings pressure me. I always go into a mini fit of depression in those times and feel like trash.

surely a romantic person would be happy to have someone express romantic feelings towards them? I get the 'WTF' thinking about it feels harder than it should

Yeah, that's sort of what I figured, although well, I don't really understand what it feels like to be happy about those things. During my (somewhat brief) attempt at a relationship, I went through a lot of "I should be happy about him being like this. Why am I not?" sort of thinking, and it made me feel really bad about myself. Like I was unworthy of his attention at all since I can't appreciate or reciprocate his actions. The whole thing was just really awkward. (awkward seems to be my favourite word :D ...but it describes my attempts at romance perfectly ^_^ ).

Now that I think about it, there's also my polyamory/RA thing, which caused my feeling very uncomfortable with the idea of devoting so much time and energy to just one person...it was just...bleh >_< even though I wasn't fully aware of being a RA at the time, it just really made no sense to me.

Sorry for the rant :cake:

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As soon as everyone in school started talking about who was going out with who I realised that things were different for me. It took a while to be sure, but now I'm more positive than ever that I've never experienced romantic attraction.

I've never had a squish or a crush (I don't really know what those are or why you'd have one). My relationships with my friends are nowhere near as deep and personal as other people's friendships seem to be, and we only get together in structured settings - i.e. our weekly TTRPG sessions or to see a movie, and even then I tend to get bored of their company after a few hours. I never discuss my personal matters with them, and they don't talk to me about theirs. I can't even find the motivation to want more friends, let alone a proper romantic relationship - why would I expend the energy and time on something I don't want in the first place? I go stir crazy if I don't meet up with people on a regular basis, but sometimes even meeting up with people for a few hours twice a week gets pretty exhausting and I have to force myself to go along (I know I'd regret it in the long term if I didn't). And I generally avoid touching or hugging my friends.

When I was around 18-19, I used to feel pretty bad about myself for not being in a relationship, with few prospects of ever having one, but since then I've grown accustomed to it, I even welcome it. I think those feelings were mainly caused by my wanting to fit in, more than actually wanting a relationship. Other people tend to feel sorry for you, or tell you you're missing out on something you really never wanted in the first place. I learned to ignore them and just accept who I am and what I want.

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Hey there. Up until very recently I was in kinda the same position as you are now, Newfangled Artist. I identified as greyromantic for a while but I kept wondering whether I might not be aromantic after all because I never felt "romantic". I eventually figured it out because I finally got around looking up what a squish really is.

I based my greyromanticism on the fact that I experienced romantic attraction twice in my life when I developed a crush on two friends. The feeling was intense so I thought it must have been a crush. After reading a lot about aromanticism, romantic attraction and squishes I realised those crushes actually were squishes because there was no romantic element to either relationship, I just wanted to be friends with those two so badly – that left me as someone that never experienced romantic attraction as far as I can tell.

But generally romantic attraction confuses me a lot, even more so than sexual attraction does. All I can say is that I never felt that kind of special connection romantic people seem to do when in love and that I also never desired to enter a romantic relationship. I’m not opposed to the idea of having some kind of life partner (be it romantic or some sort of queerplatonic) but I’m unsure whether I actually desire one or just like the idea. I can’t picture myself in a relationship at all and I’ve never felt unhappy being single either.

However, not desiring a romantic relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you’re aromantic. But it can be a good hint.

About your experiences: It’s kinda hard to say from the outside whether someone is experiencing a squish or not because nobody can accurately understand your feelings. I think the best thing you can do is keep reading what other people experienced so you can gain some insight as to what a squish is, how romantic attraction can manifest itself and so on. It’s what helped me most figuring out where I stand. You might want to browse some older threads here on AVEN, too, since similar questions as yours have been asked before.

Good luck in figuring yourself out. :)

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I never was a fan of romance. I even told someone once. Although we were talking about movie genres. And before that there was Twilight, which I didn't get. A friend had to basically spell out that the good part of the book was Bella and Edward.

Upon finding the term aromantic on AVEN, it was obvious it applied to me.

Other clues I realized after going through posts on here: I've never had a crush. I had to pretend and force myself to crush on someone.

I hate strangers or even acquaintances having crushes on me. Just yucky. Sophomore year in college this guy in my lab started acting all different around me. And asking tons of questions about myself. I thought, "where the heck is this coming from?? What did I do??" Note the lack of me being flattered. I didn't realize people randomly experience romantic feelings towards others.

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Janus the Fox
I simply chose it silly because nothing of the romantic sort on any level has ever happened with other people. Crushes, love, attractions, romanticism and general disinterest in romantic culture... I don't see anything of it. :huh:
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I thought I had a whole bunch of crushes on guys until I realized I had very strong feelings for a friend (which I can't tell whether or not they're romantic or just strongly platonic) and I realized that I just made myself think they were crushes to fit in with everyone else. I'm floating between aromantic or demiromantic now as I try to determine what I'm feeling for my friend, but for ease of communication if someone asks what I am I just say aromantic.

So basically what made me realize was one crazy platonic/romantic/whatever experience that was basically an epiphany lol

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Lambda Corvus

For a while, I labelled myself as 'greyromantic', simply because I was unsure, but it encompassed my feelings at that point "close enough". It took a lot of inner reflection, seeing how uncomfortable it is when someone confesses their romantic attraction to me, realising I just do not understand romantic attraction, and the counsel of some friends (all of whom I am grateful towards) to build up a sufficient understanding of myself in order to take on the label of 'aromantic'.

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NewfangledArtist

Thank you everybody! You've all been helpful, read all of your experiences just now and I've found them very interesting to think about. Even if I'm not aromantic, it makes me feel less alone so thank you :cake: Give yourselves some cake!

surely a romantic person would be happy to have someone express romantic feelings towards them? I get the 'WTF' thinking about it feels harder than it should

Yeah, that's sort of what I figured, although well, I don't really understand what it feels like to be happy about those things. During my (somewhat brief) attempt at a relationship, I went through a lot of "I should be happy about him being like this. Why am I not?" sort of thinking, and it made me feel really bad about myself. Like I was unworthy of his attention at all since I can't appreciate or reciprocate his actions. The whole thing was just really awkward. (awkward seems to be my favourite word :D ...but it describes my attempts at romance perfectly ^_^ ).

Now that I think about it, there's also my polyamory/RA thing, which caused my feeling very uncomfortable with the idea of devoting so much time and energy to just one person...it was just...bleh >_< even though I wasn't fully aware of being a RA at the time, it just really made no sense to me.

Sorry for the rant :cake:

It's perfectly fine, I actually read the rant and thought "I could have written a lot of that myself"! I've never enjoyed romantic feelings being projected onto me - and I'm not sure if I've confused romantic feelings with just really really wanting to stay close friends with people. I don't think even a good relationship would make me happy either, just stress me out with anxiety and depression like you say you did. One of these friends I suspect I might have confused romantic feelings for has actually put me through depression quite a few times because I thought I was 'in' love but still did not want to date him. I wouldn't have enjoyed having a romantic partner even when it's 'supposed' to make me happy, same as you. So I can actually thank you for your rant, because that just made me feel more normal :)

Hey there. Up until very recently I was in kinda the same position as you are now, Newfangled Artist. I identified as greyromantic for a while but I kept wondering whether I might not be aromantic after all because I never felt "romantic". I eventually figured it out because I finally got around looking up what a squish really is.

I based my greyromanticism on the fact that I experienced romantic attraction twice in my life when I developed a crush on two friends. The feeling was intense so I thought it must have been a crush. After reading a lot about aromanticism, romantic attraction and squishes I realised those crushes actually were squishes because there was no romantic element to either relationship, I just wanted to be friends with those two so badly – that left me as someone that never experienced romantic attraction as far as I can tell.

But generally romantic attraction confuses me a lot, even more so than sexual attraction does. All I can say is that I never felt that kind of special connection romantic people seem to do when in love and that I also never desired to enter a romantic relationship. I’m not opposed to the idea of having some kind of life partner (be it romantic or some sort of queerplatonic) but I’m unsure whether I actually desire one or just like the idea. I can’t picture myself in a relationship at all and I’ve never felt unhappy being single either.

However, not desiring a romantic relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you’re aromantic. But it can be a good hint.

About your experiences: It’s kinda hard to say from the outside whether someone is experiencing a squish or not because nobody can accurately understand your feelings. I think the best thing you can do is keep reading what other people experienced so you can gain some insight as to what a squish is, how romantic attraction can manifest itself and so on. It’s what helped me most figuring out where I stand. You might want to browse some older threads here on AVEN, too, since similar questions as yours have been asked before.

Good luck in figuring yourself out. :)

That post was good for me to read thank you :) It made me wonder if I actually just wanted to be really close friends with my past 'crushes' which I think is very likely. Probably would've taken me forever to think about that by myself.

As soon as everyone in school started talking about who was going out with who I realised that things were different for me. It took a while to be sure, but now I'm more positive than ever that I've never experienced romantic attraction.

I've never had a squish or a crush (I don't really know what those are or why you'd have one). My relationships with my friends are nowhere near as deep and personal as other people's friendships seem to be, and we only get together in structured settings - i.e. our weekly TTRPG sessions or to see a movie, and even then I tend to get bored of their company after a few hours. I never discuss my personal matters with them, and they don't talk to me about theirs. I can't even find the motivation to want more friends, let alone a proper romantic relationship - why would I expend the energy and time on something I don't want in the first place? I go stir crazy if I don't meet up with people on a regular basis, but sometimes even meeting up with people for a few hours twice a week gets pretty exhausting and I have to force myself to go along (I know I'd regret it in the long term if I didn't). And I generally avoid touching or hugging my friends.

When I was around 18-19, I used to feel pretty bad about myself for not being in a relationship, with few prospects of ever having one, but since then I've grown accustomed to it, I even welcome it. I think those feelings were mainly caused by my wanting to fit in, more than actually wanting a relationship. Other people tend to feel sorry for you, or tell you you're missing out on something you really never wanted in the first place. I learned to ignore them and just accept who I am and what I want.

I can relate, I'm nearly 21 and everyone is trying to make me feel bad about myself for never having a romantic relationship. They tell me I should feel unhappy which is the only thing that ever makes me feel anxious about choosing to be single. The pressure is getting worse, but if I ignore cast that aside, then I can feel very happy by myself. Much happier than when I'm 'trying' to like someone. I'm also a pretty big introvert, I meet friends and I'm good with that. It can make me happy to see them. But it takes up a lot of energy, so I only see them usually weekly and then I like to recharge a lot. People who are romantically interested always seem to pester me too much, I can't take that much attention it drains the life out of me. So thanks, I'm definitely going to think about all that for myself.

Thanks again everyone, this will have me pondering a lot :)

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I feel much the same about what's been said on this thread by other people. Truly, it was only by reading others' stories and clarifying a few things that I've only very recently come to the conclusion that I'm definitely aromantic. In the past, I tried doing the relationship thing because I didn't think there was really any other way. I developed strong feelings for people - wanting to be around them, thinking about them, wanting to cuddle and hold hands and sometimes kiss them, but I've realised they were just strong squishes. Once I actually found myself 'in a relationship' with them, the strong feelings would fade within a couple of months. I don't like feeling like I am expected to be a certain way or do a certain thing in relationships. Sex was a big part of that, but even making sure that's out of the equation, I found that they had feelings that I just didn't have.

I'm glad you can feel happy being yourself. After trying to be what everyone else wanted for way too many years, I can tell you that being yourself is the best thing :) I reckon that's a common trait that a lot of aromantics have - a lot of us are introverts and need lots of time to ourselves to recharge, and in a typical romantic relationship, that doesn't seem to happen. I always thought I was the odd one needing so much space (and the partners thought so too!) but after spending some time on AVEN, I know I'm not :)

I wish you luck in your travels in discovering who you are :cake: :cake: ^_^ ^_^

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ZombiesAsAMetaphor

I guess I've been in the same situation as a lot of other aromantics, confusing what hindsight tells me were squishes with having crushes on people. I've dated a grand total of three people, all of whom I was good friends with before, and then wanted to get closer to (but without all the stuff that most expect).

Mostly it manifested in hugging, hand holding, sitting on laps, cuddling – those sorts of things – which I really loved. Anything further made me freeze up, including things that weren't sexual but were still classed as romantic (fancy dinner for two, exchanging loving glances over plates of food, I suppose). I would feel bad because these people seemed to want something more from me, but all I felt was that I was spending a lot of time and being physically affectionate with a very close friend. Predictably, my lack of interest drove them away.

So, years later, after having learned of the terms asexual and aromantic and applying them to past experiences... mm, epiphany.

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I don't like to even hug. :wacko: , anything too touchy/skinship is too much for me, kinda touch-repulsed indeed.

Also i never really liked romance stories and romantic things, nowadays i can watch an anime with romance settings and keep there expecting things to go wrong, because it's way more fun that way. Also i can look without or at least a less biased view of romantic/sexual relationships. So it's interesting to learn how people deal with all that, and what kind of actions are "flags" in casual talking and etc. So i can also avoid those situations to don't hurt people.

In terms of "when", well, i had a sort-of squish before (in my high-school days), but, i didn't really like hugging the person, even having in theory a squish with her. You know, when the person in question says that you are not willing to hug / you should put more effort/force into your hug... things get kinda obvious. Also this person had better math scores than me and in the conversation offered to tutor me in her house, i guess the romantic response would be to accept it without thinking but i just said that i was going to have better scores than her in the next year.
(Funny enough, i ended as the 1st rank in tests scores in my school/year and earned a free one year course to prepare for college exams, since here we have to take hard tests to enter those)

If that's not aromantic enough, i don't know what is :huh: .

(yesterday went to a birthday party of a friend of mine, leaving the party she hugged me in a more formal way, afterwards on facebook said she was kinda sorry for doing it, but she did it because she is a happy person. And then i thought "holy hell... and i thought i didn't leave any sign that was that obvious about don't liking hugs :blink: , whatever...")

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When I was a teen I hated romantic songs and movies (still do) I could also never picture myself being in such a relationship. I have always pictured my future self as a solitary self. I have been excited when I meet a new person though and enjoy having friends. Especially if they are really interesting and seem interested in being friends. I have no desire for them to touch me nor for any kind of exclusivity. In fact I'd prefer if those things specifically did not happen. I also don't lament any brevity in a friendship, if I only know someone for a day or a week its not a problem. Because of self doubt I did try to date, 3 times and all of those relationships ended because I was asexual and aromantic. Two of those relationships ended after less than a month and it was the women who had asked me out. The third dragged on for almost a decade and I was constantly belittled during that decade for both my aro and aceness, although I didn't have the names to put on myself and just thought I was a defective wanna be straight man. When that finally ended and I picked up the pieces of my ego, that's when the picture became clearer and clearer. I found my naturally happy state and ran with it. After three years I discovered AVEN and accepted my asexuality. At first I simply put the word friendly next to asexual as I couldn't make sense of the terms and it felt so right to say "I'm just friendly". But eventually I got hip to the definitions and stuck the aro on there and that was me all sewn up and whole.

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(yesterday went to a birthday party of a friend of mine, leaving the party she hugged me in a more formal way, afterwards on facebook said she was kinda sorry for doing it, but she did it because she is a happy person. And then i thought "holy hell... and i thought i didn't leave any sign that was that obvious about don't liking hugs :blink: , whatever...")

I had a similar thing happen to me. Well, at least I got hugged out of nowhere (I was oblivious to the signs that were there) in a more than friendly way. I went stiff and was just repeating in my head "Don't panic" over and over. Another of my friends (who was walking up, but wasn't there) described it as looking like "The most awkward thing ever". After that I never really talked to the girl again, I guess my reaction was enough of an answer for her.

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(yesterday went to a birthday party of a friend of mine, leaving the party she hugged me in a more formal way, afterwards on facebook said she was kinda sorry for doing it, but she did it because she is a happy person. And then i thought "holy hell... and i thought i didn't leave any sign that was that obvious about don't liking hugs :blink: , whatever...")

I had a similar thing happen to me. Well, at least I got hugged out of nowhere (I was oblivious to the signs that were there) in a more than friendly way. I went stiff and was just repeating in my head "Don't panic" over and over. Another of my friends (who was walking up, but wasn't there) described it as looking like "The most awkward thing ever". After that I never really talked to the girl again, I guess my reaction was enough of an answer for her.

Hugging is awkward. I'm trying to get used to it but I still have some difficulties. Sometimes I feel like hugs take forever... (It might be because I'm not really interested in the girl that hugs me though...)

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I wasn't sure whether aromantic fits my profile or not for a longer time. I guess I waited to see whether I would experience a crush or something like that, althought I coudn't imagine sharing my life with anyone else ... I still can't ^_^ So I would say I am 99 % sure to be aromantic, most of all because I don't get why people want to be in a romantic relationship - it seems most of the time hard work to keep the relationship alive and there seem to be always problems with jealousy etc. which doesn't sound very fulfilling from my point of view. For me a "crush" is just a term for a biochemical process, to be honest. ;)

Friendship is for me the purest and most honest form of love, so I don't think I miss anything just because I don't experience romantic feelings.

Oh and I think hugging is truly awkward! I don't like it to be hugged and try to avoid situations where it is expected to hug someone :unsure:

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OhThereYouArePerry

For me, it wasn't one particular moment that made me believe that I'm aromantic. In fact, I've only joined AVEN and found this word quite recently. Before that, I'd just think that the only person I truly felt connected to was myself, and I refused to believe that I needed another person to give my life meaning or to feel happy. Most of my happiest moments have been ones I've spent by myself, and I don't see any reason why that should change. I did have a "squish" on a girl once in high school, but frankly, I didn't really feel any attraction towards her, what I liked and marvelled at was the thought that anyone could actually like me, because I had a very negative self-image at that time. It seems kind of narcissistic now, though :( . More than anything else, I like being aromantic because it makes me feel independent, free of any attachments to anyone. However, I do believe in friendship, and see it as perhaps the most unselfish and desirable of all human interactions.

Oh, and as for hugging, it makes me nervous ! The closest person in my life is my sibling, and yet I always feel mildly uncomfortable when hugged by her. When it's anyone else hugging me, I try to squirm out of it without hurting the person's feelings, or just stand limply, arms at my sides, waiting for it to end. Personally, a Hi-5 expresses more cordiality and familiarity, and feels more comfortable to me.

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AnomalyEternal

I had to ask my friends what it felt like to be attracted to someone and I realised that if I didn't know what it felt like I'd probably never experienced it. That or the polar opposites of feeling awkward and frightened or couldn't-care-less whenever someone asked me on a date. I've never really wanted to be in a relationship and found the concept unappealing, and I guess it was all of these that gave me away.

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peanut-butter-cloud

It is the overwhelming sensation of dread and panic that occurs whenever someone has asked me on a date that was the tip off for me. I wanted to go hide under or behind some heavy furniture. This has occurred on multiple occasions, so it is not the people asking that are the problem.

I manage to retain enough composure to decline (not always gracefully, unfortunately), and leave before I meltdown. Then I do go and hide for a while until I can calm down. So yeah, I fit into the category of people who will always be single forever, and don't really mind it.

Thumbs up for this.

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I love all the anti hugging statements in this thread! I loathe hugs and try to make them as brief as possible with as little contact as possible. I especially don't like it when a kiss on the cheek is part of the hug. I have always hated the feeling of other people's lips. I once had a friend who loved hugs and wouldn't let go until I hugged back "properly". I have often been described as a "bad hugger" and have always liked that. What's wrong with a handshake or a wave hello/goodbye? I prefer to use my words when greeting or saying farewell. Why does sincerity need to be expressed in such physical ways?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Why does sincerity need to be expressed in such physical ways?

Good question ... maybe because in our current society it is expected to be extroverted and show feelings in form of gestures like hugs etc. When I was younger, it wasn't so common to hug someone or kiss him/her on the cheek when meeting them - now people expect you do react that way because everybody does it. I tried first to fit in and hugged my friends when I greeted them, but well, I didn't like it and it seemed to be obvious that I felt uncomfortable doing it ^_^

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Why does sincerity need to be expressed in such physical ways?

Good question ... maybe because in our current society it is expected to be extroverted and show feelings in form of gestures like hugs etc. When I was younger, it wasn't so common to hug someone or kiss him/her on the cheek when meeting them - now people expect you do react that way because everybody does it. I tried first to fit in and hugged my friends when I greeted them, but well, I didn't like it and it seemed to be obvious that I felt uncomfortable doing it ^_^

Isn't it related to being defenseless to the person? Offering your empty hands, neck, cheeks and so on? Offering yourself in a vulnerable way (hugs).

So they can believe you are not putting walls or being aggressive, etc ? But still, i don't like it, and knowing about this only makes me like it even less.

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Why does sincerity need to be expressed in such physical ways?

Good question ... maybe because in our current society it is expected to be extroverted and show feelings in form of gestures like hugs etc. When I was younger, it wasn't so common to hug someone or kiss him/her on the cheek when meeting them - now people expect you do react that way because everybody does it. I tried first to fit in and hugged my friends when I greeted them, but well, I didn't like it and it seemed to be obvious that I felt uncomfortable doing it ^_^

Isn't it related to being defenseless to the person? Offering your empty hands, neck, cheeks and so on? Offering yourself in a vulnerable way (hugs).

So they can believe you are not putting walls or being aggressive, etc ? But still, i don't like it, and knowing about this only makes me like it even less.

Perhaps that is part of why I don't like hugs. I certainly don't like folks presenting themselves as vulnerable to me nor do I like to present myself that way. I trust the people I meet to not try and stab me in the neck and the warmth of my character should be enough to make them trust me.

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TheNaughtyNeutrois

All my life, I have never understood the concept of romance. Unconditional love between family members and platonic love between friends, that I can understand. It sounds odd but romance is like a foreign concept to me.

I have been in many, many relationships with people who were romantically (and sexually) attracted to me. They would become clingy and their happiness would depend on what I would say or do. It was really confusing and made me extremely uncomfortable.

My last relationship lasted four years, I never felt any romantic attraction, the girl had to keep harassing me into confessing my feelings for her because I wasn't developing them fast enough. So since I couldn't force myself to feel something I've never experienced, I ended up mimicking her standards of what love is in order to make her happy. Big mistake. Long story short, she complained there was no "spark" and dumped me to date somebody else.

It was a good learning experience though. I may have developed emotional dependency towards her - like she did for me but there was never any romantic feelings (I believe) on either end. We were both manipulating each other and it was a very toxic situation. I know now that if someone demands me to admit that I love them (when I don't), I will tell them to fuck off. I will not go out of my way to make them happy in agreeing to something that's going to make me confused and ultimately, miserable for lying to myself.

I hate commitments, I would feel suffocated. The obligation to be there for someone, especially someone who expects you to drop everything you're doing to tend to them, it's emotionally draining. Being forced to participate in sex because the other person wants it or they want to "make love", it felt like the walls were closing in. The idea of engagement, marriage, having a family and kids, taking the relationship to "the next level" is fucking terrifying.

Maybe I will experience love someday, maybe I won't. Either way, I'm not holding my breath. In fact, I'm kind of glad I don't feel romantic attraction and I hope it stays that way because I like my alone time, I like exploring things by myself. I dislike the idea of sharing my life with another person or having to consider their thoughts and views. Don't even get me started on compromises! Screw that, give me a cat and I'm good for life.

Animal companionship is all I need. I'd happily be single for the rest of my life and set my Facebook relationship status to being married to my cat. (Yes, I'm introvert as well. Hey all!)

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