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Painful First Sex - Is it a thing? *TMI?*


sound_the_bugle

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sound_the_bugle

I guess the question says it all. I've heard multiple opinions on this, but though many things have suggested to me that, though it often is, it needn't be and potentially shouldn't be, reasonable conversations with people have suggested that it probably would be/will be - for example, because it's quite reasonable to be nervous for first sex, and you'd be likely to be subconsciously clenching muscles. So, as people on the ace spectrum (or not), I'm curious to hear your thoughts and experiences.

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It can be for the reasons stated (nervous, inexperience on both ends, etc.). But in a perfect world where you're not nervous and there are no medical issues, etc., then no, your first time should not hurt. Mine never did.

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Are you asking about first time in general, or first time with a new partner?

TMI below:

My very first time was back in September and it HURT. I was nervous but calm. We used lubed and that didn't help. I had sex with that person (aka M) twice before we went our separate ways for a few months. I had sex with someone else (person number two, aka CJ) and was not just nervous, but beyond nervous. CJ's sex drive appeared to be higher than M's. That was compromise sex (with CJ) and was horrible emotionally. I've had sex with a third person. And that first time hurt too.

Sex sometimes still hurts. It's probably just the way I'm "built".

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It depend on three things (assuming it is heterosexual sex): How relaxed or tense the girl is, how aroused/wet/widened she is and how considerate the boy is.

First it is right what you say. The girl may be very nervous and are therefore contracting her muscles and vagina. That will make the hole much tighter and the boy need to use more force to penetrate. You should just relax and don't stress it, don't have sex too early/when you're not ready and don't force yourself into having it.

And you the relaxed part is also important for this; if you're stressing it and don't enjoy it you will not be as aroused and wet. This is really important, not only will the vagina widen and the girl enjoy the sex, but she'll also become wet making it easier for the penis to go in and out so to say. If you're dry and the boy is just forcing himself in it canbe a very painful experience.

So you should be calm, enjoy it and have some foreplay you like. And let him penetrate you when you would like so. You should also bring with you extra lube, just to be sure and it will also help both him and you having a positive experience. And you should also get to know yourself through fingers or maybe even a dildo or other sextoys. This way you'll know what you like and how it is to be penetrated (but not by a penis though) and if you're in the same mood as when you masturbate yourself (if fingers and dildo doesn't make it hurt :) ) then a penis should be no problem.

And the boy should also be considerate to the girl and not just pump it with brute force, but be gentle in the start and let the rest come naturally as both get hornier and the girl wetter and wider.

So tl;dr: Take good time, get aroused and wet, enjoy it and don't stress it and it should be okay. It is mostly mental barriers who affect the processes down there.

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As a female, if you want to help ensure your first time isn't painful, make sure your hymen is broken months beforehand and that the area gets a bit of use by a somewhat appropriately sized large object for a while beforehand. Also, make sure to engage in foreplay before your first time. The tearing of the hymen, from what I hear, is one of the biggest complaints from women about having pain during their first time having sex. Also, lack of vaginal lubrication could make a bit too much friction inside and could make things a little less pleasant, hence why the extended foreplay would help. If you can't do the former, you can always take things slow, and perhaps work your way up to a full sexual experience over a period of days, or just bear the bit of pain, as it will wear off over the days/weeks in the future. Of course, you might not experience any pain, as some women's hymens don't hurt that bad when they tear, and some women have stretchy hymens that don't end up tearing.

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As a female, if you want to help ensure your first time isn't painful, make sure your hymen is broken months beforehand and that the area gets a bit of use by a somewhat appropriately sized large object for a while beforehand. Also, make sure to engage in foreplay before your first time. The tearing of the hymen, from what I hear, is one of the biggest complaints from women about having pain during their first time having sex. Also, lack of vaginal lubrication could make a bit too much friction inside and could make things a little less pleasant, hence why the extended foreplay would help. If you can't do the former, you can always take things slow, and perhaps work your way up to a full sexual experience over a period of days, or just bear the bit of pain, as it will wear off over the days/weeks in the future. Of course, you might not experience any pain, as some women's hymens don't hurt that bad when they tear, and some women have stretchy hymens that don't end up tearing.

Actually the hymen are broken if the female are not aroused enough and the male are too inconsiderate. It is broken usually by brute force and not by the penetration itself :p And most physically active females have had it broken from physical activities.

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Not all hymens break , most times they stretch and then go back to the way they were. That's an important thing to keep in mind. Also it's not just the moving of the hymen that causes pain.

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sound_the_bugle

I love that I mostly asked this out of curiosity (well yes, a bit of personal interest, but mostly curiosity) and you all answered pretty closely to that idea (though the advice is interesting and useful too - and not too far off from what I've read before).

I am going to add, though, that the hymen has no nerve endings, so breaking/stretching of the hymen shouldn't be painful at all. Also, as others side, the vast majority of teenage girls/adult women do not have a complete hymen before first sex. It tears and stretches and such just from being physically active, using tampons, menstruating, etc.

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iamphoenixfire

I love that I mostly asked this out of curiosity (well yes, a bit of personal interest, but mostly curiosity) and you all answered pretty closely to that idea (though the advice is interesting and useful too - and not too far off from what I've read before).

I am going to add, though, that the hymen has no nerve endings, so breaking/stretching of the hymen shouldn't be painful at all. Also, as others side, the vast majority of teenage girls/adult women do not have a complete hymen before first sex. It tears and stretches and such just from being physically active, using tampons, menstruating, etc.

Sometimes there can be issues with it, though. My sister, for instance, was born with an unusually large and thick hymen. there was only a tiny little hole and it nearly completely covered her vagina. She had to get surgery to basically tear it open and I think they may have taken it out completely. So, basically, it was to the point where unless she wanted extreme pain like basically getting stabbed, she couldn't have sex even if she wanted to, or use tampons. So sometimes that happens.

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RainbowGalaxy

It can also depend on both your - ahem - proportions down there.

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Lot of TMI below:

Sex can hurt the first time no matter how careful you are, it totally depends on the person. My first time was painful to the point my partner saw me wince and stopped and we just cuddled. He was being careful, he was going slow, he was being very respectful but it still hurt. And yes, he had used his fingers for months in advance trying to "prepare" my body for it. No go. Probably the fact I never masturbated so NOTHING had been up there at all didn't help. Even when he first used his fingers, he used a SINGLE finger and it hurt/bled just from that.

Sex after that first time didn't hurt the rest of the time I was with him. It didn't hurt with the next guy either. It only hurt at a bad angle with the next.

The fourth was a lot different in size, so first time we had sex it hurt and I bled, he actually asked me if I had lied about being a virgin because of it. For a month straight, having sex nearly daily, with using fingers and such to work on stretching the muscles. It was annoying. Even after 8 years having sex 6-8 times a week (he has a high libido and thinks even that is bare minimums, yikes), it still hurts if he is not careful. He's just way too long and if he goes all the way in and isn't at just the right angle, it feels like I am being stabbed. And he's rather wide as well, so it hurts if he pulls all the way out during as well. I don't bleed anymore though, just the first month together.

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Mycroft is Yourcroft

~~~~~TMI~~~~~

First time didn't really hurt for me, but it started to other times when he stopped being loving about it and just screwed me like a dog... *Sick*

The hurt was more emotional than anything for me, since I forced myself to do it, and forced myself to pretend to love it...

Yeah, not great

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WhenSummersGone

Not all hymens break , most times they stretch and then go back to the way they were. That's an important thing to keep in mind. Also it's not just the moving of the hymen that causes pain.

My doctor told me recently that the hymen just gets absorbed and is gone once it tears/breaks.

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  • 1 month later...
mollyisawalrus

As a female, if you want to help ensure your first time isn't painful, make sure your hymen is broken months beforehand and that the area gets a bit of use by a somewhat appropriately sized large object for a while beforehand. Also, make sure to engage in foreplay before your first time. The tearing of the hymen, from what I hear, is one of the biggest complaints from women about having pain during their first time having sex. Also, lack of vaginal lubrication could make a bit too much friction inside and could make things a little less pleasant, hence why the extended foreplay would help. If you can't do the former, you can always take things slow, and perhaps work your way up to a full sexual experience over a period of days, or just bear the bit of pain, as it will wear off over the days/weeks in the future. Of course, you might not experience any pain, as some women's hymens don't hurt that bad when they tear, and some women have stretchy hymens that don't end up tearing.

ALL hymens are stretchy, and they will only tear if you are tense, too dry, or too rough.

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sound_the_bugle

TMI ALERT:

I should note, first sex was not painful for me. Maybe a second of pinch and then not at all.

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Sometimes women may have a sexual dysfunction or medical issue that makes sex extremely painful. For the most part, however, I would assume there isn't enough arousal/lube/foreplay/etc.?

TMI BELOW:

I personally have a sexual dysfunction so having sex was extremely painful and not fun at all. My first time was so miserable, he could barely get himself in. Every time my ex and I tried it would hurt (like I was being stabbed), and he eventually became frustrated with me. I've only had sex with 1 person, and it was about 10 times top. Mind you, we even used lube and would try to get me aroused. I've decided to not fix myself because penis in vagina sex isn't that important to me (I may change my mind later, but for now it's a nope).

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I'd like to mention that the whole 'not being too rough thing' is really about learning your partner. As a guy, and an admittedly not too experienced one, learning someone else's body is difficult. It takes time and even just learning how to touch someone can be difficult because you are touching a body that is not yours, so you cannot feel the right ah...speed as it were or even how fast or slow you might be going. After all, it is just your hand or ah...whatever else, and that can make it difficult to guess response your action is creating. Even something as simple as the most mild forms of intimate contact take a lot of effort to learn, and vary from person to person.

Communication is super important, at least in my opinion, because of this. Being open about what feels good, what doesn't, what, where, when, and how to do various things can help alleviate some of the ah...inexperience...issue. Especially since some members of my sex are not very good at admitting they have no idea what they are doing. If you are worried about it and the guy is not an ass, communication will most certainly help a fair bit.

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I'd like to mention that the whole 'not being too rough thing' is really about learning your partner. As a guy, and an admittedly not too experienced one, learning someone else's body is difficult. It takes time and even just learning how to touch someone can be difficult because you are touching a body that is not yours, so you cannot feel the right ah...speed as it were or even how fast or slow you might be going. After all, it is just your hand or ah...whatever else, and that can make it difficult to guess response your action is creating. Even something as simple as the most mild forms of intimate contact take a lot of effort to learn, and vary from person to person.

Communication is super important, at least in my opinion, because of this. Being open about what feels good, what doesn't, what, where, when, and how to do various things can help alleviate some of the ah...inexperience...issue. Especially since some members of my sex are not very good at admitting they have no idea what they are doing. If you are worried about it and the guy is not an ass, communication will most certainly help a fair bit.

Yes yes yes, communication. If it hurts, tell your partner. If there is pain, there could be irritation or tearing. If they are not up to communication, if it were me, I'd stop it right there. The few times that I am interested in sex, I want it to be a good time.

TMI BELOW

My first time with a guy hurt like heck, but I wasn't aroused and he wasn't paying attention. First time (penetration) with a woman, they checked in with me constantly. It was so much better.

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I think it's a question of stress. When women are afraid of first sex, 'cause they don't know how it will be etc. I believe it's connected just with society's view on women sexuality. If all partners are OK and get on well with themselves, first sex can be very pleasurable for them.

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TMI warning!

It´s a thing for some women. It depends on many things - some of them are physical (thickness of hymen, size of genitals), others mental (how much nervous you are, how much you trust to your partner).

I´ve never had sex and I don´t plan to have it but I´m sure my first time would be very painful because I have so unbreakable hymen I can´even use tampons. But if you have this problem, you can go to surgery.

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Help!...As a totally [un]experienced 52 yr old guy, what I'm reading here is distancing me even further along the asexual spectrum. Don't be alarmed: My response is not one of repulsion, or one of sadism. What is confirmed for me, is how far out of reach [literally] a physical relationship is for me and a 'partner'...should I ever have one.

I would only be guessing what has created this distancing, but it must be well-established. While the physical mechanics of my anatomy is maintained by frequent masturbation [stimulated, only just, by porn], the physical and sensual needs of the woman I'd be with are unknown to me.

While I'm thankful to you guys to have, at least, reached this far...I'm sure my aromantic-asexuality wont be going anywhere. I better learn to love it!

Ciao

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