How do I explain assexuality when I fit the negative sterotypes myself>

[ChaliceFlame]

You know the questions. Were you tramautized as a child? Abused etc?. I consider my childhood illness to fill the defination of being traumatized, so I have to say yes. I consider the sexism I suffered as a child to be a form of abuse, so I say yes to that too.

Maybe you just need to find the right person. Given my history is trust issues, that is also possible. Then there's the depression issues I have which resulted from the other messes in my my life. Being depressed being a "symptom" issue for me as I don't have any mood disorders.

I am open to all of these issues and whatnot being behind my own assexuality ( except depression, I am very sure that is not a root cause) . Maybe it's my orientation, maybe it's the end result of my violent childhood illness, I'll probably never really know for sure. For whatever reason I am asexual.

I think it's important that assexuality be recognized as a legitmate orientation.

I try and explain and tell other people that there are those who do not share my problems and issues that are also assexual. I cannot seem to get this through to other people or explain it any better. I feel it's a "dis- service" to the assexual community in general, but I can't help it.

Even if I suddenly went all sexual myself, or it was discovered that my assexuality came about from my health issues I would still sometimes bring up assexuality as an orientation.

This feels a lot like explaining to people that being vegetarian is perfectly healthy while being dealthy pale from my chronic illness. The same illness that I was suffering from about five yrs before realizing my natural instincts and embracing becoming herbivore. People would just be, you're sick...Therefore proof being vegetarian is unhealthy. Even if all of them didn't say it that way.

It's not like I even want to go all public with my health issues each and every time. Obviously me being herbivore cannot be the root cause of my illness if my illness came about five yrs prior. In order for my illness to come from being vegetarian, the illness would have to have occurred at the same time. I was omnivore when I got sick. This logic escaped even the people I explained it to.

It's all very frustrating.

[HeidiUK]

[hugs] and . I know how you feel.

H xx

[musk almond]

What could I say? I feel the same way :cake:

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[Blerdivor]

There is only so much you can do to educate others. And I'm glad you keep in mind that there are those of us out there who aren't the asexual stereotype; I'm one of them.

[sinisterporpoise]

Oh good grief, you don't have to explain it if you don't want to. It's possible to be all of these things AND asexual. I fit two categories: Religiously repressed (really, is this a surprise for anyone who is or was a Mormon) and possibly not attrctive enough to get laid. I know plenty of people who aren't attractive enough to get laid but still want sex. They don't feign disinterest.

You know what you are. Others don't. Don't put up with their crap if you don't need to. Try not to invite it unnecessarily either.

[Moondragon007]

Feel free to tell my to MYOB.... but, what kind of chronic illness do you have? And are you vegan, or ovo- and/or lacto- vegetarian? In my personal opinion, ovo-lactan vegetarian is more healthy cos it's much easier to get the vitamin B12 you need. Not to mention being more similar to our ancestoral primate diet (chimps eat bird eggs, bird hatchlings, grubs, and occasionally small monkey when they can catch them). And it's a diet I could stick to easier than vegan - I can at least have my quesadillas and cheese omelettes! -_-

I think the vegan/vegetarian thing can be made into an analogy of some kind for asexuality... but I'll leave that to someone else to thrash out the details.

[newgirl]

What is a "true" asexual stereotype anyway? The only stereotype i know about ,Asexual are unattractive,weird and hate sex.

[ThePieMaker]

I really don't understand why problems and such should make it any less valid. Asexuality is about how you feel. So maybe outside sources could be the root cause of your asexuality. Why should that matter? It happens with other sexualities too. As long as the fact that you are asexual doesn't bring you sorrow or anything, then people need to accept that's what you are.

And a thing with childhood trauma. Events in one's childhood especially can rewire the brain. So maybe your brain was rewired from what happened with your illness. Your asexuality is still natural, as far as I'm concerned. People need to stop thinking it's some huge tragedy that someone is asexual. If it doesn't bother us, no one should pity us or try to "fix" us.

[Sally]

Every single thing that can be thrown at you as their "reasons" why you might be asexual applies to sexuals also.

If you feel you need to argue with them (and it sounds like they are arguing with you), ask them if they know of anyone who they are sure are sexuals who have a chronic disease, some other physical or psychological problem, were traumatized as a child (or adult), etc.etc. If they say yes, then ask them why they think your similar problems have made YOU an asexual, when it obviously didn't happen with those other people.

But better yet, just politely change the subject. You don't need to explain yourself, any more than THEY should have to explain why they identify as sexual. Do you quiz them about that? No.

[Moondragon007]

Ok, I've got a sorta analogy for ace-ness and vegetarianism:

When my brother was stationed in Japan (he's in the Air Force), he was dating a woman who didn't eat meat. She liked shrimp and fish, but no meat from land animals. When the two of them were visiting, I asked her why she doesn't eat meat, and she told me it's because she simply doesn't like the taste. Now, being raised in Japan might have been a factor in forming her preferences, but that doesn't make them any less valid. Now, I'm a confirmed carnivore and I can't imagine anyone not liking meat.... but I accept that her food preferences are not mine.

(Incidently, that's the only reason for being vegan/vegetarian I can really wrap my head around - personal preference.)

In the same way, aces don't have sex out of personal preference. Upbringing or childhood truma might be a factor, but they don't make it any less valid.

Ok, I'm sure there's more I intended to say, but I can't remember it now.

[randakinley]

You know, I don't even think you really need to explain it to anyone if they are doing nothing but saying other things are the cause. People don't need to know your life story or all of these details, even if it is a stereotype. Not to be mean, of course, because I didn't mean it in that way. I mean, they should just accept who you are and not question your reasoning for whatever choice you make for yourself.

[Mousey]

I'm vegetarian because I love animals. And I feel that if I can't kill and eat my own dog then I have no right to eat an animal just because I've never met it.

One sentient beings life is just as imporant to itself as is any other is to themselves... obviously I don't quite know how to word that haha!

Also the way the animals are forced to live on those factory farms is completely abhorrent.

I wasn't raised as a vegetarian. I know meat tastes good. But to me there are more important things.

But each to their own. I was just letting you know how I feel about it :)

I completey understand that some people don't get it.

As to the origional topic.

You are you regardless of lables or the past or other people or anything.

Not everyone who is abused becomes an abuser or sexist or afraid of sex or asexual. I'm not saying these things can't happen. It's just that everyone handles events in their own way. Sometimes people never seem to change at all even having withstood something horrific. Sometimes people change dramatically over something which can seem quite trivial. Or over nothing at all.

I think there are some things you can choose when it comes to who you are. But for the most part I don't think we really have much say in it. And maybe we only choose certain things because it's in our nature to chose those things...

What people are really trying to decide upon is a lable, and you're free to pick which ever one suits you best or you don't have to choose any at all (although others will most likely try to find one for you if you don't)

But it is comforting to find one that fits.

And it's very disconcerting trying to find one, but not being about to find one that fits you perfectly... trust me I know.

In the end the only thing that makes you you it's the fact that you refer to yourself as 'I'

You will always be you no matter what happens.

Think I went way off topic there... haha!

Some people just can't possibly understand something because they've never experienced it.

But it's human nature to try and understand something, so they just direct it towards things they do understand.

Even if in our reality they are competely missguided.

[Sleeping Beauty]

I can understand what you say. I told a friend of mine I think I was asexual, and if I wasn't I would discover I am demisexual, or just gray but sexual is surely to be excluded.

She said that I had this bad experience in the past so I need time and the right person. I said I had this experience because of my asexuality (which is true). She is still convinced she is right. I gave up the attempt to explain it and I don't think I would tell anyone. Just live my life.

[HeidiUK]

Ok, I've got a sorta analogy for ace-ness and vegetarianism:

Great way of putting it - thanks :) .

You know, of all the time I spend on here - I always have a "Why didn't I think of that?" moment whenever someone comes up with something simple.

H xx

[Sally]

She said that I had this bad experience in the past so I need time and the right person. I said I had this experience because of my asexuality (which is true).

That's actually pretty funny, in a good way.