[FlowerFaerie]

Does anybody have an advice on how you can stop people trying to hook you up with guys without having to explain the whole asexual thing?

This is because people at work are always saying "have you got a boyfriend yet?" and when I say I don't want one they do the whole "aahh you'll find one eventually and settle down and be happy and etc etc blah blah blah" and launch into a discussion of all of the "fit" guys I could get with. And people that they'll try to hook me up with. Which is just plain awkward.

But i'm mainly asking this because a friend from work wants me to stay over at her house, so she can do my hair and makeup (I never wear makeup), put me in heels (even though i'm already about 5 foot 10) and a skimpy dress so we can go out and "get me a guy". I tried saying no nicely, but she's really bossy (in a nice way) and I don't seem to have a choice in the matter. I can't tell her about being ace because I don't want work to know about it. I've been there about 4 years now and they'd just laugh at me and take the micky until the end of time.

[Adm_Twister_JCOM]

Find some BS excuse you like and stick with it. Add a little bit of truth in to add some credibility. My favorite BS excuse is to say that my book counterpart from my military fiction series is married and that's enough for me. The best advice I can offer is to provide a BS answer and stand your ground. Make it your version of Custer's Last Stand and the Spartans' stand at Thermopylae.

[thylacine]

If it's at work, tell her you don't discuss your personal business in the workplace.

Also, tell her she has no right to put makeup & heels on you if you don't want to wear makeup & heels, nor does she have any right to fix you up if that is against your will.

If she keeps bothering you, report her to personnel. Or, better, if she keeps bothering you, tell her she will be reported to personnel for harassing you. Tell her she is making you feel harassed, and she needs to stop, immediately. And if she does not stop, then go and tell personnel. This may sound harsh, but her behavior is wrong and she needs to stop.

[thecoldground]

I'd go along with it personally, at least until you have to go up and start talking to somebody - what have you got to lose? My friends have done this to me, and I just treat it as a bit of fun - you can play a videogame about war without wanting to join the army, so to speak

On the other hand, you need a solution, one that means
1. Your friend will stop trying to hook you up with guys
2. Means you don't have to tell your friend, and by extension, work, that you are asexual.

Answer: Tell them your a lesbian. That fills the criteria quite nicely.

What It would work

Or you could ask yourself some questions about a friend who would tell something you consider private and personal to everyone you work with, and a workplace that would bully you due to your feelings on sex. I've could have interpreted your situation wrongly though

Me, I always remember that your friends are doing this to be friendly. Their intent isn't to make you feel uncomfortable.
Here's the thing - they probably talk about how quiet you are (or something) and how you just need to come out of your shell, that you're probably really sick of being single, that you just lack confidence - and most of the time, she'd be right. She's just trying to make you happier, and be a friend to you the best way she knows how.

Frankly, even if I weren't asexual, trying to get me wearing high-heels to go "get a guy" at a bar or wherever wouldn't work. If you were sexual but wanted to stay who you are, and not meet guys that way, what would you say to her?

You could get on the internet, assuming you're not aromantic (Acebook) and then you can just say you've got an internet boyfriend

Let us know how it goes too

[disjointed]

This made me chuckle as recently we had a thread when I said it's wrong but yet I was constantly told this was not a decent explanation as it wasn't fully explained

I thought for gods sake just shut up

but normally if I find I am talking to someone who then goes on and on or is talking about something which I get fed up of hearing I come straight out with it...works best on the internet or phone I just say....I'm going now, your boring me

Might not win any subtlety awards but works every time

[FlowerFaerie]

thecoldground, on Oct 20 2009, 02:34 PM, said:

Answer: Tell them your a lesbian. That fills the criteria quite nicely.

What It would work

Hahahaha why didn't I think of that!! Although that would most likely cause more trouble than telling them i'm asexual but at least they'd understand that one.

And I see what you mean about going along with it, it's just that it gets so frustraiting sometimes! And yeah I think it started out as trying to be friendly, but everyone keeps going on about it so much now that it's almost like they've made it their personal mission to find me a boyfriend - I don't think they realise how annoying it is and how uncomfortable it makes me feel. But then maybe i'm just miserable and should lighten up a bit

Thylacine, I wish I could do that but if I did it would make everything really awkward. I can't move jobs at the moment and they're not going anywhere so I don't want to upset them.

And i'm not aromantic so I think the internet boyfriend idea is a great idea - another one I should have thought of haha.

Thank youu!

[Sally]

Hmmm...You don't really want to say you're a lesbian because 1) that would be a lie (if you are indeed not a lesbian); 2) that would cause a whole new mess, and 3) she might want to see photos of you both, etc., or decide she wants to convert you back to being hetero.

What you could do--seriously--is confess to her that you are a member of a religion (don't name it) that demand that you do not have anything to do with men until the religious leader chooses you a husband. You really love that religion and you are going to follow it, and you're sure that she does not want to try to make you do something that is against your religion, so thanks anyway but you can't do what she wants.

It's a small lie but you don't have to show proof, at least.

I know that kind of really nice but overwhelming person who only wants what they think is good for you. They really are nice people and you don't want to piss them off.

[Gatto]

I recommend pepper spray and, if that doesn't work, polonium-210.

[FlowerFaerie]

Sally, on Oct 20 2009, 06:16 PM, said:

Hmmm...You don't really want to say you're a lesbian because 1) that would be a lie (if you are indeed not a lesbian); 2) that would cause a whole new mess, and 3) she might want to see photos of you both, etc., or decide she wants to convert you back to being hetero.

What you could do--seriously--is confess to her that you are a member of a religion (don't name it) that demand that you do not have anything to do with men until the religious leader chooses you a husband. You really love that religion and you are going to follow it, and you're sure that she does not want to try to make you do something that is against your religion, so thanks anyway but you can't do what she wants.

It's a small lie but you don't have to show proof, at least.

I know that kind of really nice but overwhelming person who only wants what they think is good for you. They really are nice people and you don't want to piss them off.

Yeah i'm not going to tell them i'm a lesbian don't worry, it would get me into a mess. The religion one is a good idea, but they already know i'm an atheist, I don't go around shouting about it, it just came up in conversation last week. Gah.

I'm starting to wonder if it would be easier to just tell them i'm ace.
Took me about 5 seconds after typing that to realise that it wouldn't haha

Gatto, on Oct 20 2009, 08:01 PM, said:

I recommend pepper spray and, if that doesn't work, polonium-210.

Brilliant idea. Though could get me arrested

[Zerick]

just politely say you are not interested in being set up

[Tio]

I suppose you could say that you are't looking for a boyfriend, but if you did, putting on makeup, heels and a skimpy dress will only attract males that aren't your type since it's an artificial construct of what you are, not your natural self.

I don't know if you've tried telling them you're *happy* being single and want her to leave you alone.

[Filmfan]

FlowerFaerie, on Oct 19 2009, 10:48 AM, said:

But i'm mainly asking this because a friend from work wants me to stay over at her house, so she can do my hair and makeup (I never wear makeup), put me in heels (even though i'm already about 5 foot 10) and a skimpy dress so we can go out and "get me a guy". I tried saying no nicely, but she's really bossy (in a nice way) and I don't seem to have a choice in the matter.

Ooh, I feel your pain. At my first job, I worked with a bunch of people who would suggest the same sort of things. They just couldn't get that I didn't want to "get dolled up" and hang out in the bar of some nice Manhattan hotel on a Thursday night so that out-of-town businessmen would buy us drinks. (Me in makeup? Maybe twice a year. And they knew I don't even drink. Hello!)

Anyway, remember that you do have a choice in this matter. Tell her that you appreciate her willingness to help you in this regard. Then, say something about "however" that you'd like to keep some aspects of your personal life personal, that you'd just rather concentrate on your career right now, that the kind of guy you're looking for wouldn't be in that environment, or something else along those lines. I'm sure you can come up with something that's at least relatively true but won't hurt her feelings.

It sounds like she does have the best of intentions, just not the highest level of comprehension.

[henrik]

I usually kill those people and dump their bodies into the river. There's a nice current there, so it won't be a problem.

[FelineHuggles]

Just say:
'Do you want to go for an Ice cream'

That usually shuts em up

[mackat5]

A part of my reaction would have been that the fellows will accept me as I am! If they can't, they aren't the type I want around me.

[Ocelot]

At least she's trying to help you out (albeit not in a way you want), unlike the vast majority of people who pretended to be my friends.

[Sally]

henrik, on Oct 22 2009, 08:55 AM, said:

I usually kill those people and dump their bodies into the river. There's a nice current there, so it won't be a problem.

For some reason that's just hysterically funny to me.

[Bonza]

I would go along with it. Get dressed up, go out. You don't have to actually do anything once you get there. You might not have a great time, but I doubt you'll regret it afterwards.

In the longer-term, I would either:

1) Get an ace boyfriend. That'll shut 'em up.

2) Say you're a lesbian.

3) Say you're religious. Start saying you can't go out on Saturday night because you've got Church Sunday morning.

4) Fabricate a story about some normal or even exaggerated heterosexual lifestyle, and hope your cover story holds up.

5) Become a master of deflection in conversation. E.g. "Why haven't I got a guy yet?? The real question is why haven't you hooked up in the last few weeks? Is this why you want me to come on that night out with you? Just as backup? You silly mare." Etc.

6) Get a new job and do what you've done for another 4 years. Rinse and repeat.

7) A combination of the above

[MurasakiNoriko]

I went through the same situation when I started my job. I just usually responded with "not gonna happen" or "not intrested" whenever the subject came up. Basically, I told the truth, but left out the major details. Eventually everyone just stopped asking or offering to set me up because I was always so quick to shoot the subject down.

[CrazyCatLover]

Yeah, at least she's trying to help...in the most unhelpful and frustrating way possible. I can think of a few things you can say (hope you don't mind that I peaked at your profile for ideas):

Point out that you are extremely busy with college and don't have time for a boyfriend. I started as a biology major and found that the term "organic chemistry" coupled with a wince to be very effective in a variety of situations.

I don't know if you're planning to move away after finishing college, but if so, you can explain that you'd rather not be involved with someone/tied down yet.

You can also tell you coworker that you really, really don't want to meet someone on the fly/[insert appropriate expression here].

Say that you'd rather be friends with someone for awhile before dating.

Have you tried saying something along the lines of "Look, it's really sweet of you to want to help me and all, but you're really stressing me out more."


Here are some of my useful talking points:

-Oh, I couldn't possibly date now. I'm much too busy. (optional: begin listing every single one of your activities, separating each by "and")
-I don't want to fall in love until I know which country I'm end up living in.
-I've had someone set me up before. It didn't go well... (make an uncomfortable face)
-I'd prefer to meet someone at a university club so that I know we at least have something in common.

Good luck.

[annwyl_cariad]

What I've found to be effective is a simple, "I'm not interested in guys." Say it slightly awkwardly, as though it's a big deal to say it. "I'm, uh, not interested in...you know. Guys." Something like that. Most people would assume that it means you're a lesbian, but you didn't actually say that. Then if they try to hook you up with a girl or take you to a lesbian club or something, just act confused and say, "But I don't like girls." And watch their heads spin. XD If they try to go back and say "Well, you said you weren't into guys," then just reply, "Yeah, but I never said I was into girls."

Other good options are to say you're too busy to date, or that the kind of guy you'd want isn't the sort of guy you'd meet at a bar, or that your focus is on school/career right now. I know it can be annoying when people think they're just trying to help you and you really don't want that kind of help. Good luck!

[FlowerFaerie]

henrik, on Oct 22 2009, 04:55 PM, said:

I usually kill those people and dump their bodies into the river. There's a nice current there, so it won't be a problem.

Haha nice idea!

CrazyCatLover, on Oct 23 2009, 09:24 AM, said:

-Oh, I couldn't possibly date now. I'm much too busy. (optional: begin listing every single one of your activities, separating each by "and")

I tried that on nosy people before "I don't have time for a boyfriend, because i've got loads of genetics coursework to do, and it's so difficult! I've got to pick out a certain gene and the location and then use a vector to move it to another plant/animal..." And by the word "genetics" whoever it is has usually drifted away to bother someone else haha.

But I've decided the people at work are not worth bothering with. A guy on my department who I barely know turned around to me last night, wrinkled his nose, and said in the most disdainful voice "Is it true you're a Dyke?" I said that i wasn't and asked who said that I was, and he said someone had told him that I said "I'm not into boys".
So I said something along the lines of "No, i'm not into boys, but i'm not a lesbian. And don't call me a Dyke". He called me a dyke about three more times before I told him to shut and up leave me alone or i'd go to personelle. And then he started to sulk and complain that I "couldn't take a joke".

Seriously, what is wrong with the people at my work!?! It just gets worse every week. They seem to think that it's a human right to know all about my personal life and to gossip about it behind my back. I'm just going to flatly refuse to discuss my sexuality and i'm definately not going out with that stupid girl. They can all go stuff themselves.

End of Rant. Sorry.

[Irony]

I usually say:
"I'm not looking for Mr.Right until I'm ready with my flat. I need the nest fixed before there can be a relationship."

That's why there's always someting to do and I will make sure not to have much money left for my furniture. (more money for other things)

If you are not afraid to shock other people, tell them you've been raped as a child. I'm always asked if I was, when I tell that I'm asexual. So I guess that is a satisfying answer.

[virescence]

Wow, FlowerFaerie, that's really messed up! Why is it that as soon as you call someone on the fact that whatever they're doing/saying is rude/bigoted/not acceptable, it's suddenly "a joke"? I'd like to see their definition of "joke". I really don't think they're using it right.

If he does it again, do go to personnel? Because if he's acting like that to you, you can bet he'll do the same to other people too. As for the rest of them... maybe if you ignore them long enough, they'll get bored of gossiping? It's that or send an email with a link to AVEN round the whole department...

[CrazyCatLover]

FlowerFaerie, on Oct 24 2009, 08:56 AM, said:

CrazyCatLover, on Oct 23 2009, 09:24 AM, said:

-Oh, I couldn't possibly date now. I'm much too busy. (optional: begin listing every single one of your activities, separating each by "and")

I tried that on nosy people before "I don't have time for a boyfriend, because i've got loads of genetics coursework to do, and it's so difficult! I've got to pick out a certain gene and the location and then use a vector to move it to another plant/animal..." And by the word "genetics" whoever it is has usually drifted away to bother someone else haha.

Nice. I can't help laughing because I remember having assignments like that and they really aren't that difficult! If the person hasn't drifted off, you can pause for a moment and then say "Oh, of course! that's how it works. [pause again] I'd better go write down before I forget it..."

FlowerFaerie, on Oct 24 2009, 08:56 AM, said:

But I've decided the people at work are not worth bothering with. A guy on my department who I barely know turned around to me last night, wrinkled his nose, and said in the most disdainful voice "Is it true you're a Dyke?" I said that i wasn't and asked who said that I was, and he said someone had told him that I said "I'm not into boys".
So I said something along the lines of "No, i'm not into boys, but i'm not a lesbian. And don't call me a Dyke". He called me a dyke about three more times before I told him to shut and up leave me alone or i'd go to personelle. And then he started to sulk and complain that I "couldn't take a joke".

Seriously, what is wrong with the people at my work!?! It just gets worse every week. They seem to think that it's a human right to know all about my personal life and to gossip about it behind my back. I'm just going to flatly refuse to discuss my sexuality and i'm definately not going out with that stupid girl. They can all go stuff themselves.

End of Rant. Sorry.

Please excuse my language, but that bastard is a fucking asshole. I fail to see how anyone could see those comments as anything but offensive. Refusing to discuss this any further sounds like a good plan.

Maybe you could get all nosy into your co-workers' personal lives, but that might get a bit too complicated. Just an idea that I thought I'd throw out.

[thecoldground]

FlowerFaerie, on Oct 24 2009, 03:56 PM, said:

But I've decided the people at work are not worth bothering with. A guy on my department who I barely know turned around to me last night, wrinkled his nose, and said in the most disdainful voice "Is it true you're a Dyke?" I said that i wasn't and asked who said that I was, and he said someone had told him that I said "I'm not into boys".
So I said something along the lines of "No, i'm not into boys, but i'm not a lesbian. And don't call me a Dyke". He called me a dyke about three more times before I told him to shut and up leave me alone or i'd go to personelle. And then he started to sulk and complain that I "couldn't take a joke".

Seriously, what is wrong with the people at my work!?! It just gets worse every week. They seem to think that it's a human right to know all about my personal life and to gossip about it behind my back. I'm just going to flatly refuse to discuss my sexuality and i'm definately not going out with that stupid girl. They can all go stuff themselves.

End of Rant. Sorry.

I call one of my best friends a dyke from time to time. In the name of fun of course if anyone overhears I usually say "nope, it's not just a joke between the two of us, I really do just love to piss her off." *shrugs* it's a half-truth

But no, you shouldn't have to put up with that. And some people ask how asexuals could ever suffer prejudice *shakes head*

[Sally]

thecoldground, on Oct 24 2009, 04:44 PM, said:

I call one of my best friends a dyke from time to time. In the name of fun of course if anyone overhears I usually say "nope, it's not just a joke between the two of us, I really do just love to piss her off." *shrugs* it's a half-truth

But no, you shouldn't have to put up with that. And some people ask how asexuals could ever suffer prejudice *shakes head*

FlowerFaerie's work colleague (too nice a name for him) actually insulted lesbians/dykes, not asexuals. Calling someone a "dyke" is a standard hetero insult for women who don't seem to be paired up, as though being a lesbian was a loathsome thing. Using it among friends is one thing, but he wasn't a friend. So he really didn't know anything about asexuality, but just chose the worst thing he could think of.

[ibicella]

Personally, if she keeps pressing the issue, it's time to be honest, polite, and direct. The next time she brings it up and says "Look, I know you mean this to be a fun idea and all and I appreciate the thought, but this is kind of pressing on a personal boundary line and I'm feeling really uncomfortable about it. I'm "Not on the Market" as it were. If you'd like to go out, let's go do something not date related, please?"

If she asks why, just say "It's honestly not something I want to talk about."

I've never had a person press after saying it like that. Our (American) society has a strange way of skirting directness in language if not in topic, so "no" is not often taken seriously until you lay it out REALLY clearly.

[Trix]

"I see you really want me to be happy. Do I look unhappy to you right now?
I see that you really believe you need to help me find a boyfriend. Does it seem to you that I act like I want to have a boyfriend?
I see you really believe that it's impossible to be fulfilled and satisfied without a boyfriend. Hmmm.... (look at them like they are a curious specimen) Interesting."

Or something along those lines, situationally appropriate...

FlowerFaerie, on Oct 19 2009, 06:48 AM, said:

Does anybody have an advice on how you can stop people trying to hook you up with guys without having to explain the whole asexual thing?

This is because people at work are always saying "have you got a boyfriend yet?" and when I say I don't want one they do the whole "aahh you'll find one eventually and settle down and be happy and etc etc blah blah blah" and launch into a discussion of all of the "fit" guys I could get with. And people that they'll try to hook me up with. Which is just plain awkward.

But i'm mainly asking this because a friend from work wants me to stay over at her house, so she can do my hair and makeup (I never wear makeup), put me in heels (even though i'm already about 5 foot 10) and a skimpy dress so we can go out and "get me a guy". I tried saying no nicely, but she's really bossy (in a nice way) and I don't seem to have a choice in the matter. I can't tell her about being ace because I don't want work to know about it. I've been there about 4 years now and they'd just laugh at me and take the micky until the end of time.

[Trix]

I like this; also people have a strange taboo around hearing that you have "personal reasons" for something with a meaningful tone of voice.
Like "I don't want a boyfriend right now, and I have personal reasons", said with a confident voice that implies something sacred that you would already have shared with them if you deemed them worthy.

ibicella, on Oct 24 2009, 08:43 PM, said:

Personally, if she keeps pressing the issue, it's time to be honest, polite, and direct. The next time she brings it up and says "Look, I know you mean this to be a fun idea and all and I appreciate the thought, but this is kind of pressing on a personal boundary line and I'm feeling really uncomfortable about it. I'm "Not on the Market" as it were. If you'd like to go out, let's go do something not date related, please?"

If she asks why, just say "It's honestly not something I want to talk about."

I've never had a person press after saying it like that. Our (American) society has a strange way of skirting directness in language if not in topic, so "no" is not often taken seriously until you lay it out REALLY clearly.