AVENCakes Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 About these concerns and issues about sexless relationships and marriages being known....It's no one else's business about a consenting couple's sex life or lack of sex life. If one's partner is bringing it up or feels like he or she should bring it up in public then that person is not worth being in a relationship with. Um.... it depends on the situation. If you made it clear you don't want anyone knowing, that's one thing. But I don't think my partner or myself have any problems being out about being asexual, and until that changes I don't see why we should hide it. Why does that mean we aren't worth being in a relationship with? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 About these concerns and issues about sexless relationships and marriages being known....It's no one else's business about a consenting couple's sex life or lack of sex life. If one's partner is bringing it up or feels like he or she should bring it up in public then that person is not worth being in a relationship with. Um.... it depends on the situation. If you made it clear you don't want anyone knowing, that's one thing. But I don't think my partner or myself have any problems being out about being asexual, and until that changes I don't see why we should hide it. Why does that mean we aren't worth being in a relationship with? I meant telling others whether they're (the first and second party) having sex or not without the partner's consent, especially to those where it's none of their (the third party's) business. Link to post Share on other sites
Michael47 Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 I can't think why anyone would hate asexuals. Also there's no religion that I know of that treats asexuality as a sin or an abomination. Usually we're just not being believed or pitied. One of the worst would be being raped but that's not considered a hate crime. Sorry, Hammerhead, there is one sect that can take that view: stricter Catholicism, Irish variety in particular. We were warned in our RC school, aged 10, that not to be in a married relationship - unless you were a cleric or a nun - wasn't acceptable to the Church. I still remember the surge of fury that ran through me when I heard this. I think that was the first I realised I was/am asexual. I didn't want relationships, and certainly not children. Catholicism demands both. I gave up the whole belief system in my teens, on that and other grounds. The UK's Chief Rabbi has recently claimed, it's reported, that not having children is simple selfishness, and that a lack of belief in god must mean a lack of morality. I'm outraged by this simplistic nonsense. If I don't want children, because I think I wouldn't be a good parent, and have no desire to have them, is that somehow not right? Hate crime? There's a common belief that a man in particular living on his own must be a predatory child-abuser, a notion fostered by the redtop tabloids. And that fallacy is spreading to single women, or lesbian couples. And, of course, local vigilantes know how to deal with people they don't like. Link to post Share on other sites
Henny Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Why is this in Older Asexuals? Is there a perception that stuff like that only happens to older asexuals, that only older asexuals are qualified to talk about it, etc.? Please explain. Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Probably because we have seen more in life... & if you are an adult & single, people are suspicious of you. Link to post Share on other sites
KAGU143 Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 I think it's just because this is where the topic happened to be started. Anybody is welcome to comment. -GB Link to post Share on other sites
Colt-kun Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 I'm not trying to hide my asexuality, but I also don't go around parading it for everyone to see. I've had it announced by a (semi-drunk) friend to a roomful of people and was harassed about it. Considering most of them were drinking and people tend to be asses when they're drunk, I can kind of ignore it. At the time though, I had to leave. But my ex best friend didn't believe I could be asexual, and one night tried to 'prove it' and assaulted me. Since then, I've been more careful about who I tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest member25959 Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 I don't hide my asexuality wither, I don't go round telling everyone (since I can't) But if anyone asks I will tell them. Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 Wow, Colt, that's awful. Someone assaulted you? That is criminal -- did you file a complaint? Link to post Share on other sites
Colt-kun Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 Wow, Colt, that's awful. Someone assaulted you? That is criminal -- did you file a complaint? More than. I learned just how messed up the legal system was. Link to post Share on other sites
Misterstomp Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 I have always wondered about this since I knew I was asexual. If you are having sex with your partner just to keep the relationship isn't that kind of like being willingly raped? I know it isn't a crime, but I thought that I should bring it up. Link to post Share on other sites
KAGU143 Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 Rape, by definition, is not consensual, so if an asexual willingly agrees to have sex for the sake of a relationship then it is only ordinary sex, not rape. Now, if an asexual is coerced or blackmailed into having sex, but still "agrees" to it, then I'm not sure. I sincerely believe that repulsed asexuals should NOT get into close relationships with sexuals. Both people will end up miserable. Indifferent asexuals can sometimes be in successful sexual relationships as long as the sexual partner is okay with their partner's ... erm ... lack of total enthusiasm. Such sexuals are rare, though, because it can feel like rejection to them and it's hard for them to understand why they aren't "desirable" to someone who claims to love them. Both partners will need to make a lot of compromises in such a relationship, but it CAN work. -GB Link to post Share on other sites
skai Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 I've been sexually assaulted by someone who told me I was "letting myself go to waste", so yeah, I know that happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Quelly Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 Rape, by definition, is not consensual, so if an asexual willingly agrees to have sex for the sake of a relationship then it is only ordinary sex, not rape.Now, if an asexual is coerced or blackmailed into having sex, but still "agrees" to it, then I'm not sure. I sincerely believe that repulsed asexuals should NOT get into close relationships with sexuals. Both people will end up miserable. Indifferent asexuals can sometimes be in successful sexual relationships as long as the sexual partner is okay with their partner's ... erm ... lack of total enthusiasm. Such sexuals are rare, though, because it can feel like rejection to them and it's hard for them to understand why they aren't "desirable" to someone who claims to love them. Both partners will need to make a lot of compromises in such a relationship, but it CAN work. -GB If a person is coerced or blackmailed into having sex it is still rape, just harder to proove. Link to post Share on other sites
bromance Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 Well, I guess I'm not really an "older asexual," but I will comment anyway. I've been sexually harassed after I came out to some people. I wasn't raped or beaten up or anything. But there was this guy who apparently thought it was his mission to "cure" me of my asexuality. He started groping me, making really uncomfortable sexual jokes (most sexual jokes are funny to me, but the ones he made were directed at me and really gross), and one time he even licked me. Oh my God, it was so disgusting. I've gotten some hate comments as well. People called me frigid, a closet lesbian, mentally ill and all kinds of other names that you can think of. Most people, including all of my friends except one, actively denied the existence of asexuality, and while I don't think this is considered a hate crime, it still hurt. One of my guy friends, who happens to be very good-looking, came out to the whole school as an asexual recently, and brainless girls spreaded rumors like he's a closet homosexual and stuff (he's heteroromantic). He got beaten up twice by a bunch of upperclassmen who thought he was gay. A teacher tried to fail him for the same reason, but I'm not sure if that counts as a hate crime. Thank God that not that many people at my school know about my asexuality. I'm sure that if they did, I would've had some tough time as well. But then again, guys think I'm hot because of my apparent "bisexuality" (I'm biromantic, not bisexual:/), so I really can't complain. Eh, I consider myself a Christian asexual and I don't think God really hates anyone based on their sexual orientation. I think the Bible verses that are used by fundamentalists to attack non-heterosexuals are really misinterpreted. Link to post Share on other sites
AVENCakes Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 A couple of people threw around the term "consensual rape" to express the emotional and physical effects of the "sex" they had with their partner, because they realize it was not actually rape but emotionally wasnt' what most people would call "sex". It was pretty much shot down immediately for a variety of reasons. I don't think that "sex" is necessarily the right label for what some asexuals experience when they have sex with their partner. Someone once said that there's a big difference between rape and bad sex- and I think that's true. I don't think we need a new label for it, or that "consensual rape" is a good label, but I can appreciate why some people want it. As for rape being a hate crime- ""Hate crime" generally refers to criminal acts which are seen to have been motivated by hatred of one or more of the listed conditions. Incidents may involve physical assault, damage to property, bullying, harassment, verbal abuse or insults, or offensive graffiti or letters." Hatred most certainly can be a motivation of rape. And if the rape occurs because the person hates [group], it most certainly is a hate crime. Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 Kuhristine, the person who harassed you -- was this at work? If so, I hope you went to personnel to report that behavior. This is why I don't tell anyone my personal stuff -- people will behave that way because people are ignorant. We are lucky that most workplaces have policies against harassment. When I was 19 (in the 1980's) I had my first job, some boys (also around 19-21) were very inappropriate with me, and there was nothing I could do -- nothing! Officially it was considered "wrong" -- but the attitudes back then were like, "He did that? So? Lighten up." Stuff like that. I am glad harassment is taken more seriously now. I feel safer in the workplace, even on the street, I feel safer. Re: hate crimes. Anyone who is "different" in our society is at risk for a hate crime. It's just the way things are. Link to post Share on other sites
whiteroses Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 Asexuality isn't really considered normal where I live. There are no crimes committed against asexuals though, as most people don't even know about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Squish Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 Now, if an asexual is coerced or blackmailed into having sex, but still "agrees" to it, then I'm not sure. If you give consent under duress, then legally it's not consent. I'm not sure if this includes blackmail... NSW Crimes Act 1900, section 61HA, though that's only Australian law. A couple of people threw around the term "consensual rape" to express the emotional and physical effects of the "sex" they had with their partner, because they realize it was not actually rape but emotionally wasnt' what most people would call "sex". It was pretty much shot down immediately for a variety of reasons.I don't think that "sex" is necessarily the right label for what some asexuals experience when they have sex with their partner. Someone once said that there's a big difference between rape and bad sex- and I think that's true. I don't think we need a new label for it, or that "consensual rape" is a good label, but I can appreciate why some people want it. "Sex" is the right label. "Love making" or other euphemisms aren't. Crap sex is still sex. "Consensual rape" probably fits better to what I described above, forced consent. *Shrug* Link to post Share on other sites
bromance Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 Kuhristine, the person who harassed you -- was this at work? If so, I hope you went to personnel to report that behavior.This is why I don't tell anyone my personal stuff -- people will behave that way because people are ignorant. We are lucky that most workplaces have policies against harassment. When I was 19 (in the 1980's) I had my first job, some boys (also around 19-21) were very inappropriate with me, and there was nothing I could do -- nothing! Officially it was considered "wrong" -- but the attitudes back then were like, "He did that? So? Lighten up." Stuff like that. I am glad harassment is taken more seriously now. I feel safer in the workplace, even on the street, I feel safer. Re: hate crimes. Anyone who is "different" in our society is at risk for a hate crime. It's just the way things are. It was at school. I know I should've reported him, but since I didn't want to be labeled as the "snitch" of the school (which basically is a social suicide), I just kept silent about it. In addition, the authorities at my school aren't the brightest people, and they are pretty lenient about most types of sexual harassment. They most likely wouldn't have done anything anyway. He kind of stopped doing that thank Lord, even though he occasionally cracks a gross joke or grabs my butt:( Aw, I'm sorry that you had to go through that!:( Sadly, it seems like some schools and workplaces, such as mine, are still stuck in the 80's. Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 When I was a kid, the people who ran the schools weren't the brightest, either... things haven't changed much, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Quelly Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 This whole "consensual rape" thing just bothers me. The two words are incompatible. I understand what people are getting at, but PLEASE FIND A DIFFERENT TERM. I can see this term beign used to get rapists off in court or make the crime into something so misunderstood that noone cares. If the sex made you that uncomfortable, you should stop and possibly go talk to somebody about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Squish Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 This whole "consensual rape" thing just bothers me. The two words are incompatible. I understand what people are getting at, but PLEASE FIND A DIFFERENT TERM. I can see this term beign used to get rapists off in court or make the crime into something so misunderstood that noone cares. If the sex made you that uncomfortable, you should stop and possibly go talk to somebody about it. Agreed. I think that's pretty much the consensus... Link to post Share on other sites
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