how have others dealt with disbelief?

[. . .but there are sounds]

I recently spoke with one of my close friends about my asexuality. It is obvious that her intentions are supportive, however, she does not seem capable of believing that I could be asexual. She remains steadfastly of the opinion that I ought to try *stuff* of some variety and that it is inevitable that having done so, eventually I will "come around." It seems that I am not the only one to have had this experience, but there seems to be very little in the way of advice on how people have dealt with this in the past.

[Wings of a Dream]

It's a very hard thing to deal with because it basically involves trying to change someone's mind about something they're pretty sure of (and that's notoriously hard no matter what the subject is). I've experienced it twice, once with a friend and currently with my mum.

My friend (who I've since stopped talking to, partly because of her reaction) insisted that I was just celibate and in denial about my feelings. Of course, she was different from your friend as she wasn't trying to be supportive and was basically telling me to get over myself and "be normal". So, for you, my method of simply breaking off the friendship, wouldn't work and isn't really necessary.

Now, my mum, she's much more like your friend. Supportive, but doesn't seem willing to believe that I am asexual and trying some stuff isn't going to change that. I've found that with her, it's easier just to tell her "we'll see". I don't plan on trying anything, I no doubt won't try anything, and hopefully, eventually, she'll see and accept me for what I am. Or she'll just think I'm really stubborn and trying to prove a point XD

There's not a lot of ways to deal with it, other than to just ignore it and try to act patiently which is a lot easier when the other person has clearly good intentions. Just grin and bear it, my dear, that's what I do.

[jrackula]

Today I decided to tell my mother and my sister-in-law I was demi-sexual and they laughed at me and told me people who didn't want sex didn't exist despite the fact that I was clearly telling them I didn't <.<;

They seemed to want to stop talking about it so I let them ignore it. If they don't want to talk about it or acknowledge that this is the way I am, I'm fine with it. I'm happy with who I am and as much as I would really love for them to understand, it they never do it won't kill me. I think as long as you understand yourself and are happy with it, people will eventually start to get it and accept. Or at least that's my fond hope.

[thecynicalromantic]

Considering asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction to other people, I'd suggest going the annoying stating-the-obvious route, and ask her with whom you should try stuff.

And then anyone she suggests, find a problem with it. Like that you're not attracted to them.

...Of course, this would probably only work if you're an aromantic asexual, otherwise it gets less stunningly obvious.

[josephine2]

i'm not sure what to say, i've never had these problems

[tregnexodram]

Do you not know how to deal with someone trying to get you to do something you don't want to do? That's all that's going on there, somebody not respecting your choices. People with positive intentions sometimes don't understand that whatever their intentions may be, their actions aren't helping.

[Sally]

My longtime partner was (understandably) upset. My daughter-in-law thought I should try sleeping with women instead of men.

I have no plans to tell anyone else. That was enough.

[K.B.]

I'm new, and I just found out 'asexual' is what I was called a little bit ago, but I've told 2 of my friends.

All of my friends are Allies, which kind of makes them more inclined to open-mindedness as it is, so I didn't get any trouble, but LONG before I even knew about asexuality, I used to think about what coming out must be like.

Being as my friends are who they are, in High school, talk about the rising support for Homosexuals, Bisexuals, Transsexuals etc. was pretty common. I also have an uncle who is Homosexual, and a transsexual friend. I guess I kind of feel bad in a way, because both of them have had a lot more trouble than me.

Anyway, when puberty came for me and seemed to be lacking some pretty distinctly described side-effects, I played with the idea I might be homosexual. Since that was just as apparently not happening it never got past a "what if" stray thought for me.

Both my friend and my uncle had issues with their parents (may grandparents, in my uncle's case). and I know my friend had a lot of misplaced support from some of his friends as well. (not in denial, but that whole, fixing the non-existent problem attitude.) I was shamefully powerless to help out much, other than being an open ear, but it made me think.

I guess the first step is to make sure that you're doing everything you can to understand them first, because it just doesn't work for the odd-ball out to try to enforce their minority opinion through sheer will-power. (It can sound a lot like denial or some attempt to single oneself out or grab attention if they don't understand, which they don't) Fair or unfair, I think we need to make the larger effort in order to, not CONVINCE someone, because if they don't get it they don't get it (like some people with math), but to have them understand at the very least that it's something they can't understand, and what it is exactly that you want from them.

Thinking in that whole 'other person's shoes' perspective, I guess it would be like us trying to truly understand what being blind was like, no? except you (their shoes) think that there might be a way for you to gain your vision! Kind of understandable they would want you to try to get your eyesight, I would probably want that for a friend/family too. Now I don't know if this is true for some who are blind, but if it's a condition from birth, whether you can see or not is sort-of, "meh, whatever" right?

I don't know if it's like this for everyone else, but that pretty much sums up how I feel about it. "meh, whatever."

but to a lot of people, we are missing out on something absolutely wonderful, which they want us to share in, or at least, that's what I'm getting from this. So now, I myself understand that i just really don't understand what they're talking about, and, oh! that's what they're thinking!

For the people who aren't trying to be supportive, but are simply denying it, I can only think that time and conversation will help. When someone has got their nose bent, the worst thing you can do is push the issue. So I would suggest don't push it. But that doesn't mean you should pretend you're something your not, because that unhealthy for all sorts of reasons. If the subject comes up, maybe you should just act and talk as if they have already accepted you. not pushy or trying to make them accept you, but that whole matter-of-fact "well I'm who I am, so yeah...". If they get frustrated or upset with it, you could always just make a point to not bring it up yourself, in respect to their lack of comfort.

What about the ones who are supportive...they think. So they want it 'fixed', right? Well I actually think that this could be easy or hard depending on who you're dealing with and how you feel yourself, but I think of it as pretty logical.

I've read that some people say that if one just experiments, something will click, right?

I'm still a virgin, so if someone right came along, I might try it, because who knows, I'm only 99.9% sure it won't be worth it; what if is? But that's if the right person comes, because I'm not just going to grasp at any random person on the street and keep trying it, just to verify. Do that and the argument is "that person just wasn't right for you". Well yeah, you knew that. So if someone were to suggest I just try it, it would be like "with who?". I don't have a boyfriend, and I don't think I ought to do it with someone without knowing them at least somewhat beforehand, so that stops that right there for me in my mind.

I feel as if saying, "Hey, I am asexual, but if I ever happen to get that urge, I won't go out of my way to deny it." And if I do enter a relationship, and they suggest I try it, I might, if only so I can say that I have. (of course, that would only be after making the situation very clear with my partner beforehand)

For some reason I use a lot of metaphors, but they help me... so. we like cake here right? I have a friend who doesn't like cake. But she's tried it and........she doesn't like cake. Most people won't push the issue too much, right? Some people do. "But this kind is SO much better, you'll definitely like this kind!" If she dislikes cake, she doesn't have to eat it, since it will probably be a bad experience, which no one wants. If she doesn't dislike it, but she doesn't like it either, she might eat it, if she determines the weight of humoring her friend outweighs the effort involved to eat the cake.

If one were to explain it that way, the friend might understand at least the reasoning behind the actions.

One can never know too much about oneself, so maybe it can be as simple as explaining that you're willing to try different things, within reason, and if you ever do 'turn around' then that's that. As time passes and you never turn around, they will either have to accept what is, or they'll go into denial. (which is their problem, not yours)

So I wrote an essay on this, but I want to say now, just so there isn't any misunderstanding, that ALL OF THIS has been simple speculation on my part drawn from an mind with a lot of free time to ponder and what I have learned from my experiences with my uncle and friend's situations. In short, it is almost all theory, and may not work in practice. At the very least, I hope it can help some people with perspective, but I would strongly suggest finding other sources to follow this subject up.

I wish you Luck! (and of course )

[Murmur]

Now, my mum, she's much more like your friend. Supportive, but doesn't seem willing to believe that I am asexual and trying some stuff isn't going to change that. I've found that with her, it's easier just to tell her "we'll see". I don't plan on trying anything, I no doubt won't try anything, and hopefully, eventually, she'll see and accept me for what I am. Or she'll just think I'm really stubborn and trying to prove a point.

That sounds like my mother. I came out to her a couple nights ago, and she didn't seem to believe me. So I emailed her the address of this forum.

[intrikate88]

The problem with their disbelief is that they're essentially asking you to prove a negative. To prove that you DON'T experience sexual attraction. And, as many people accused of espionage have found, you can't really prove a negative. Only time and your continued failure to make a sexual connection will support your claims of asexuality.

In the meantime, keep living in the mode that asexuality really is a legitimate sexual orientation. One can be attracted to the opposite sex, the same sex, both sexes, or neither. And one can't control their consuming desire for one of those groups; one also cannot control their lack thereof.

And remember to be understanding of those who disbelieve you. Sex is a major part of many people's lives, and the fact that it doesn't hold the same importance to you means that they don't really know what you are made of, on the inside. It's mysterious and scary. So be patient, and show them that there really is plenty to your life, after all.

Best of luck. :)

[AmoebaAlice]

I recently spoke with one of my close friends about my asexuality. It is obvious that her intentions are supportive, however, she does not seem capable of believing that I could be asexual. She remains steadfastly of the opinion that I ought to try *stuff* of some variety and that it is inevitable that having done so, eventually I will "come around." It seems that I am not the only one to have had this experience, but there seems to be very little in the way of advice on how people have dealt with this in the past.

I had/sort of have a friend like that, we haven't talked much for a few years now, and I haven't told her that I think myself to be asexual... and don't have any plan to. I'd get a much more dramatic response than you probably got.

We mainly stopped talking because she decided that I didn't matter anymore, soon as she found her boyfriend. And after she lost her virginity to him she started the 'Everyone must have sex' warpath, and insulted me numerous times in a variety of vulgar ways because I said I didn't want to hear about her of so fabulous sex-life. Yeah... she's one of those.

I did tell my best friend though, long long while back when I first found the term and she was totally accepting of it, as she's bisexual herself, and we've always been huge supporters of alternate lifestyles. And even though she was accepting, I don't think she quite got the total understanding of it.

Currently debating on how to explain it to my sweetheart. And you might ask why I didn't say so before the relationship started but... we've known each other for so long, and I honestly thought at the time that since I did like him, I might eventually want to be with him that way. Still uncertain about it. I mean there's no sexual attraction...but I really love him.

--Mei

[stella]

I have dealt poorly with disbelief. The one person I tried to explain about asexuality is my mom and she didn't react well :(

So after trying to tell her twice I gave up trying to tell anyone.

Sorry, this wasn't any help, but this is my whole experience.

[celebros]

I'm a member of my college's Straights and Gays for Equality group, and last week was Pride Week. The event that I organized was a "GLBTeatime" to have a round-table about the lesser-known letters of the alphabet soup - and of course, it was important to me to get a few bits out there about asexuality. When I brought up the topic, everyone looked around awkwardly. One of the senior SAGE members finally came out with a very accurate description of what asexuality is, but to begin the discussion, two or three different girls all said, "I have trouble believing that people like that could even exist," and conceding that if someone had been molested or had other sexual trauma, it might happen.

I tried to explain all the variations of asexuality - that we're homo, hetero, bi, pan, trans; that some are aromantic and some aren't, some are disgusted by sex and some just bored, etc etc, but when the disbelief continued I wanted to come out. A few in my group know but there were a lot of people there - friendly in general, but still a big audience - and I wanted to disprove them, to explain what it means to me, and I couldn't. I just couldn't make myself say it.

I hate that after years identifying as various shades of queer, I got to a point where I was comfortable coming out to anyone and everyone, but now that I identify as ace I'm afraid to come out even in the GLBTQQIAACP group that supposedly includes us.

I finally write a big long blog entry about this, and my brother (who when I'd come out to him had said he supported me unconditionally but not to close myself off to the idea of sexuality) responded that the entry had been really illuminating, and explained a lot about "[my] asexuality" that he hadn't known. I love my brother, and I know he supports me, but I got the impression that he thinks since I'm not aromantic, I'm not "really asexual" or at least not as asexual as he thought. He would never say this to my face, and I know him well enough to know that he'll go looking for information about asexuality and probably find asexuality.org and realize I do fit the definition. For all I know I'm just overly defensive and overinterpreting his phrasing.

[martianJusticiar]

I think at the point where they're expressing disbelief, the best thing one can say is "I'm telling you something about myself because I care about you and trust you. If you respect me as much as I'd like to think you do, you will realize that I am the only person allowed to define myself, and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't try to tell me what to identify as, just as I would never think to tell you what your orientation was regardless of what you actually felt." They're put in the position of either dropping it/accepting it for the time being, or looking like a bad friend or family member for pushing their view on you after that.

[RubyTuesday]

I recently spoke with one of my close friends about my asexuality. It is obvious that her intentions are supportive, however, she does not seem capable of believing that I could be asexual. She remains steadfastly of the opinion that I ought to try *stuff* of some variety and that it is inevitable that having done so, eventually I will "come around." It seems that I am not the only one to have had this experience, but there seems to be very little in the way of advice on how people have dealt with this in the past.

Having only recently discovered this forum and realised how well other people's descriptions of their experiences match my own, I've been wondering whether to share my new understanding of myself as an asexual with a very close friend of mine. She and I talk about most things and part of me wants to be able to share this with her as well, but I also have reservations. One is that I know she would tell her husband, and I'd rather he didn't know, just because I wouldn't feel comfortable if he wanted to ask me about it. Also, I haven't yet plucked up courage to discuss this with my own husband, so it seems rather disloyal for her husband to know before mine does. The other reason I'm not sure about telling my friend is that I suspect she will react in a similar way to your friend, and not really believe me. I think she'd probably say that lots of women have low sex-drive at some point in their lives and that I am not really any different from anyone else. She'd mean it to be reassuring, but I would feel that she was discounting the importance of it to me. So I'm trying to decide what my real motives would be in telling her - do I just want her approval? If that's the case, I need to think about why that would be important - after all, if I know and accept myself, perhaps that's all that matters.

[Siggy]

I was having this problem with a friend very recently. I gave her a very long explanation about asexuality, and then a few days later, she acted like she had never heard it. Surely, it's because I'm just not trying hard enough, or I'm spending too much time with research and schoolwork, she said. I must be repressing myself subconsciously.

Finally, one of my replies seemed fairly effective. I asked her, if I were gay, would she think it's just because I'm repressing my attraction towards women? Thank goodness that the LGBT movement has already tread so much ground.

After I said that, she suddenly switched stances. Now she expresses disbelief that I should be unhappy with my asexuality/demisexuality. I find this kind of ironic, because she had just been giving me advice on how to change myself. I guess she is right that I should just accept it and move on, but it's not very reassuring if she doesn't understand why I have trouble accepting it.

[RubyTuesday]

I was having this problem with a friend very recently. I gave her a very long explanation about asexuality, and then a few days later, she acted like she had never heard it. Surely, it's because I'm just not trying hard enough, or I'm spending too much time with research and schoolwork, she said. I must be repressing myself subconsciously.

Finally, one of my replies seemed fairly effective. I asked her, if I were gay, would she think it's just because I'm repressing my attraction towards women? Thank goodness that the LGBT movement has already tread so much ground.

After I said that, she suddenly switched stances. Now she expresses disbelief that I should be unhappy with my asexuality/demisexuality. I find this kind of ironic, because she had just been giving me advice on how to change myself. I guess she is right that I should just accept it and move on, but it's not very reassuring if she doesn't understand why I have trouble accepting it.

Yes, it does sound quite dismissive doesn't it - either you're wrong, or it's not very important. That's the sort of reaction I'm afraid of from my friend. But I've been trying to decide what I'd gain from telling her, and as far as I know she hasn't had any experience of asexuality, I don't think she'd be able to offer me any advice. I'm not even sure I need advice from her - it's better for me to get it from others on this website, who at least I know have had similar experiences. When I feel more confident, I might talk to her about it, in order to share the knowledge I've gained, rather than to ask for her approval.