Asexuality & Sexism

[DarkChocolate]

growing up especially through puberty i thought there was something wrong with me because my twin and brother were whats considered "normal" and i didn't go through the same things. before i even found this website i made up the term asexual for myself (after my science class explain what A in front of a word meant) to come to find out that i'm not alone ... i never met anyone like me before its kinda hard to explain myself to others BUT before i get side tracked

it seems as though (through some posts i read) some face discrimination because they label themselves as asexual but people have never bothered me much about the issue. there have been some people that have been confused or didn't believe me but all in all its not that big of a deal ... for me. I'm wondering if is it because I'm female there is a less expectancy as well as pressure for to me to be sexually attracted to ppl compared to men.

and..

Do asexual men go through different experiences because its accepted and expected for them to be whores (j/k) or just more sexually attracted/sexually active than females.

questions, comments???

[stormwind]

I'm an asexual female who does not experience discrimination. Not really, anyway, although I've gotten the usual "just wait until you're older and find the right person..." or, "Oh...so you're a lesbian?"... <_<

I would assume there would be more discrimination against asexual males, since culture expects them be thinking of sex and sexy women 24/7. People might think there was something seriously wrong with them if they didn't. Females - not so much, that I can see, except of course for the people who think there's something seriously wrong with us if we don't want to get married or have babies.

That's just what I've noticed, at least. By the way, welcome to AVEN! :)

[ghosts]

Moving this to Q&A.

-ghosts, Relationships mod

[iliun]

I haven't experienced discrimination because of my sexual preferences (or lack thereof). I have, however, been in similar situations as Stormwind and have had people question my orientation. If I am ignorant, and my answers caused people to avoid me, then I did not notice--I'm used to them doing so because I seem brainy and aloof.

As Stormwind also said, males are more likely to be pressured by society. They are "meant" to be assertive in every way, which often re-enforces the perception that they are hardwired to be sexually aggressive. Females are pressured to look appealing, but this is only to inspire males. An asexual female would fit better into the stereotypical, submissive and faithful role, and would be more widely accepted as a result.

[Guest DiscoBison]

I found it so hard to be accepted as a non-sexual being, even by close friends, that I eventually just slipped into 'acting' as if I were a gay man. Why it should be so much easier to accept that I was a gay man not having sex than a straight one, I can only guess - my theory is that they assumed I had clandestine liasons with 'hidden' gays, but didn't want to pry. Even though I consider myself to be an intelligent rational human being, I still feel somehow 'less' of a man because I don't want to have sex - the stereotyping and gender imprinting is so all pervasive in Western society. Happily, AVEN and various other sites/people/episodes of personal growth are helping to lessen that sense of 'emasculation'.

[thylacine]

I find that women are under enormous pressure to marry, and "start having babies, before it's too late!"

[Billie]

I also think that many people don't really believe women can be asexual, as there is the whole idea about female sexuality. That females are the passive ones, they don't really experience sexual attraction rather than the need for emotional closeness and such BS. This doesn't explain how my sexual female friends told me they felt the need to have sex, even being virgins. Or why women want sex even if they have an asexual partner who otherwise wants others forms of intimacy rather than sex

edit: oh, and I strongly agree with what thylacine said. Women are considered a failure if they don't make a family. And even women that can't have babies for various biological reasons are seen with a diffent eye, one that pities them over not being able to experience 'the ultimate point of womanhood, the marvel of giving birth to a new life' [/sarcasm]

As if one is less of a woman if she doesn't have kids!! It annoys me so much

[kt8]

I voted female who does not experience discrimination. Ocassionally, I'll feel a little pressured, especially when other girls ask about who I like, who I think is hot, etc. But I've never felt as if this was too bad, and people respect my answers ("I don't really like/am not really attracted to anyone/am not interested in sex.") when I give them, so I don't feel as if discrimination is a problem.

I don't know for sure, obviously, but it seems to me as if asexual men would experience more pressure on this issue than women. I mean, men are usually viewed as being more dominant, more in charge of things, and this dominance thing seems to me like it would be really hard to survive under, having to deal with people wondering why you don't go out and get yourself a girl, etc. It's somewhat similar for girls too ("why don't you get a boyfriend?") but they usually lose interest pretty fast and leave you alone. It doesn't matter so much, is what I have experienced.

But again, I don't really know for sure, since I'm not a guy. -_-

[Maxx1128]

I don't experience discrimination, but I suppose asexuality is a preference that just wouldn't receive as much as some others. I suppose some people who are strong believers in the whole "Everyone needs to get married, have kids, and have meaningful sex with a person, hopefully in that order" would probably discriminate against us a little.

I think sexual discrimination often stems from people being interested in a certain thing, and their interest often offends a person since it goes against their interests. With asexuality, asexuals don't have any real kind of interest in sexual stuff, and having no interest usually is less offensive than having a certain kind of interest. But I'm still keeping my asexuality a secret, because I never know what some people will do if they knew about it. Plus it would be too annoying to explain it.

Also, asexuality is pretty much not known by anyone in my school, since the rare times I've heard about asexuality, it was always to the whole "self-reproduction" thing, which even though I found a little annoying, I can deal with it.

[sonofzeal]

I'm fairly distressed that there is no option for "sexual male/female who does NOT discriminate". Do you mind if I add that in with my modly powers?

[Illuminated]

I found it so hard to be accepted as a non-sexual being, even by close friends, that I eventually just slipped into 'acting' as if I were a gay man. Why it should be so much easier to accept that I was a gay man not having sex than a straight one, I can only guess - my theory is that they assumed I had clandestine liasons with 'hidden' gays, but didn't want to pry.

That reminds me of a part near the very end of A Prayer for Owen Meany where the main character (was he the narrator? I can't recall) was described by another character as a "non-practicing homosexual," and when asked why he assumed "homosexual" had no real reason.

Anyway, I'm with sonofzeal- are there no "sexual male/female who doesn't discriminate" options for a reason?

[niku-bot]

I find that women are under enormous pressure to marry, and "start having babies, before it's too late!"

I experience pressure relating to this. I've never been in too many relationships, I don't care for sex, so I won't get married, but oh no! I just need to have babies.

But I find that men seem to be under more pressure to be sexual beings. It seems okay that a woman doesn't masturbate or want sex often, but a "healthy man always has one thing on his mind", according to many people I know.

[SlightlyMetaphysical]

I voted that there might be more pressure against women, because a woman's asexuality may seem less valid than a man's. Also, the standard relationship model (which a lot of people follow without question) has them wanting romance and the men wanting sex, so a heteroromantic asexual man would be giving the woman what she should want, while a heteroromantic asexual woman would have trouble pursuading her boyfriend that she's actually asexual, rather than just fitting into the woman's role.

[Thunder]

I agree that it is hard to be accepted if you don´t appear to be having sex. I am sure most of my friends think I´m gay, one even told me that if I was it would be ok to come out. In many ways I think it would probably be easier to come out as gay like you have because at least there would be no pressure to conform. I don´t really think that coming out as an asexual in continental Europe is an option, it´s virtually unheard of and one would be constantly having to explain to people what it means.

Thunder

I found it so hard to be accepted as a non-sexual being, even by close friends, that I eventually just slipped into 'acting' as if I were a gay man. Why it should be so much easier to accept that I was a gay man not having sex than a straight one, I can only guess - my theory is that they assumed I had clandestine liasons with 'hidden' gays, but didn't want to pry. Even though I consider myself to be an intelligent rational human being, I still feel somehow 'less' of a man because I don't want to have sex - the stereotyping and gender imprinting is so all pervasive in Western society. Happily, AVEN and various other sites/people/episodes of personal growth are helping to lessen that sense of 'emasculation'.

[Guest DiscoBison]

I agree that it is hard to be accepted if you don´t appear to be having sex. I am sure most of my friends think I´m gay, one even told me that if I was it would be ok to come out. In many ways I think it would probably be easier to come out as gay like you have because at least there would be no pressure to conform. I don´t really think that coming out as an asexual in continental Europe is an option, it´s virtually unheard of and one would be constantly having to explain to people what it means.

Thunder

Actually, I'm now in the lucky position of having a family and circle of friends who are just happy that I'm finally happy being 'openly' asexual, although one of my mates Thai wife finds it hilariously funny, for some reason.

[Apollonian]

When you're a man, you're expected to have sex constantly on your mind. What it is, every three minutes the saying is? "Every red-blooded male" thinks about sex, rates women on their "doability," etc., and if you don't, you're gay. There's something wrong with you. You're "not a real man." Et cetera, et cetera. So I believe asexual men have it harder due to this conception of masculinity put forth (not to discount the experiences of asexual women, by any means). I believe there have even been threads on this board questioning whether such a thing as an asexual man even exists. This concept of masculinity is so pervasive.

[beltane]

I took a lot of Women's Studies in university and rather than being the stereotypical man-hating, non-leg-shaving whatever that a lot of people think, they're really balanced and intersting classes. One theme that came up quite a bit is the way in which sexist and misogynistic views negatively affect men as well as women. While women often get unfairly whitewashed as passive (as someone mentioned above) and emotional, men can get constricted into a role that requires rampant sexuality but also denies them access to their own emotions. There's some interesting theories behind why this happens, one of them being that, dating from the middle ages, women were considered a step down the ladder of social power - therefore men who acted effeminite (i.e. emotional etc) were seen as disrupting the accepted social order.

Historically, men have always been regarded as sexual and their sexuality has been tied up with power (over the family, in the community and as rulers), but views of womens' sexuality are pretty dynamic and have been adapted (by men!) to fit whatever is in fashion at the time. The current view is that to be an "empowered" woman, you have to be having a lot of sex and I admit to having conformed to this in the past, each time thinking next time I would enjoy it better, that next time I would do it right or find what was missing. In that sense, the only person who has discriminated against me is myself.

[Blueflare]

Personally, I think men are under more pressure to be sexual.

While women are under a lot of pressure to get married and have children, these aren't purely sexual goals. They're social goals which happen to involve sex.

Men, however, are expected to be highly sexual, as others have said. And if a guy "achieves" sleeping with loads of women, he often gets praise for it (mainly from other men), whereas women who sleep with lots of men are still generally viewed as "sluts", and so on.

Lots of sex is generally considered the goal of men rather than women, therefore making it odder for men to be asexual in my opinion.

As for the whole "empowered women" thing, if you think about it, that's more about the quality of sex, than the quantity.

[andrew_w]

I think that both men and women probably experience about the same amount of pressure to be sexual, just in different ways.

As for myself, I am an asexual male and don't feel any pressure whatsoever, since I have no desire to live up to society's idea of "normal". If anything, it's myself who's "normal", and everyone else who's "broken" (not that I really think that, of course - I just believe that the way I am is the best way to be for me).

[Sally]

Women are under pressure by both men AND women to be attractive and "sexy" and "hot". If they're not, they're often both pitied and treated as unworthy by other women. That may be changing with younger women, but I still see it happening. Maybe the women doing it aren't always aware, but the women receiving that treatment are. Being asexual doesn't get you out of that world because you don't exactly go around with a sign on yourself saying "I'm asexual so don't expect me to be hot."

[nope]

As a guy in highschool, i can say that lots of talk is about sex, especially about how men should always enjoy it and yadda yadda, so i do suppose there is more pressure put on males