Jean Grey Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 article 2014 Mod Edit - For future reference: 'We're married, we just don't have sex' Despite not being physically attracted to other people, Paul Cox, 24, explains how he and his wife found love and happiness as an asexual couple Paul Cox The Guardian, Monday 8 September 2008 Paul Cox: 'On our wedding night, we invited friends over to play Scrabble'. Photograph: Sarah Lee People wonder why asexuals bother to get together, but Amanda and I have been happily married for nine months now and we're both still virgins. Some people even think asexuality doesn't exist. It's so underrepresented, I can understand why people are skeptical. I was too, even though I was perfectly used to thinking of myself in this way. For years I just thought I was the only person in the world who felt like this. My parents are agricultural scientists, so I've lived overseas since around the age of 10. I was in India until I was 16, then Zimbabwe for two years, and then Kuwait. I studied in China and New York, before settling in London. Even at 10, I had a sense that I didn't want to get married and have children. I know a lot of kids say things like that, but I didn't change my mind about it later on. I wasn't interested in relationships or finding a girlfriend, and was very sure I didn't have an interest in boys either. Gradually my school friends spent more and more time talking about girls and pursuing relationships, but I could never grasp what they were expecting to get out of it. There were family parties in India where all the kids would gather outside in the garden. I was 13 and had a best friend, Kasim, who was a year younger than me. He had a crush on an Australian girl called Jessica - everyone seemed to think she was the prettiest. We had lots of whispered discussions about what he could say to her, and even though I thought it was a ridiculous game, I wanted to fit in, so I pretended I had a crush too - on a French girl called Sylvie. She was a safe bet because she was so unlikely to reciprocate. I knew she wasn't at all interested in me. I'd just discuss her with the boys. There were times as I got older when girls did seem interested in me, but I always deliberately ignored their signals. I wanted to avoid getting into a situation I'd feel uncomfortable with, so I never even kissed a girl. The first girl I kissed became my wife. When I was 13, my father gave me a book on sex education. I felt as if I was reading about a foreign culture; I just couldn't see why anyone would go to so much trouble just to have sex. I tried looking at pornography on the internet. I wasn't disgusted or appalled - it was just boring, like looking at wallpaper. Masturbation was another topic of conversation in those days, and I did masturbate. It wasn't a sexual urge for me, I didn't fantasise, it was just something my body decided to do. People say about asexuals: "But if they masturbate doesn't that make them sexual?" It's hard to explain, but if you're asexual you don't necessarily feel an explicit connection between masturbation and sexual orientation. It's just part of having a human body - a physical, biological process. After we moved to Zimbabwe I went back to visit my old friend Kasim. The last time we'd seen each other we'd been into computer games, drinking Coke and going for pizza. Two years on, it was a shock to see how much Kasim had changed. Sex was his major preoccupation. He had a girlfriend and was on the brink of going all the way with her. One afternoon we were with some of Kasim's friends, and he began goading two of the girls into kissing each other in front of a camera. The whole atmosphere was really charged, and I felt out of my depth. I'd fallen behind. Kasim had been my friend a long time, but he'd entered this different world without me. By the time I went to university, I was happy to let people wonder about my sexuality. I wasn't pretending to talk about girls any more. Some people assumed I was gay, but my best friend Simon was the first person to confront me directly. We were studying in Hangzhou, in China, just south of Shanghai. It's a very beautiful city, on a lake with mountains, and we were walking through the streets when Simon asked me outright. First he made a joke about whether "I liked girls ... or boys?" I laughed but he persisted and said "So what are you?" I just said, "I'm not straight and I'm not gay, and that's it, full stop." Back then I didn't know what term to use. The following summer I was surfing the internet when I read a post from a girl who wasn't attracted to anyone. Someone had suggested she should be aware of "asexuality", and gave the address of a website: asexuality.org. When I went to the site and read the material, I was quite dismissive at first, because you just don't hear about other asexuals. Since Freud and Kinsey, and even to an extent the sexual revolution of the 60s, we tend to believe anyone without a sexual orientation must be repressed or delusional. Asexuality is therefore an impossibility. Kinsey labelled us "X", a statistical throwaway category for anyone damaged to the point where they can't express any sexuality. Gradually, though, through visiting the site, I came to realise that these were just ordinary people; people who were writing things I'd thought myself, but had never heard anyone else express. It was such a relief. Finally I had a label - a way to explain myself that could settle all the awkwardness and questioning. I told my close friends straightaway. Only one female friend didn't really believe me. I think she thought I was secretly in love with her. Back at college I decided to get it over with in one day by wearing a T-shirt saying: "Asexuality is not just for amoebas". I was nervous, but I'd already told a dozen or so people, and was used to answering the same questions over and over. No one has ever reacted really badly to me - I've been lucky. I told my mother shortly after finding the asexual website, and she said: "Well as long as you understand the possibility that one of these days you'll meet someone and want to settle down with them." I wasn't so sure. I'd already resigned myself to a solitary existence. I'd convinced myself I could form strong friendships and was independent enough to fare OK. Luckily my mother always ends up being right about everything. When my studies took me to New York, I got more involved with the asexual community there. I posted messages on their website and there were regular meet-ups in a little pink tea shop in the East Village - I guess you could call it the asexual equivalent of a gay bar. One day I got an email from Amanda. She was asexual, living close by, and offered to show me around the neighbourhood. In case she was cruising for an asexual boyfriend, I responded with a warning that I was "vehemently anti-romantic". But we met up anyway, for tea and ice-skating, and we took to meeting a lot. I loved Amanda's attitude to life and enjoyed hanging out with her. And she was pretty. At first I tried to treat it like any other friendship. Then I found myself travelling four miles downtown to deliver sandwiches when she told me she was hungry. Two months in, we were at a gig and it seemed like a good idea to hold her hand. I felt cautious about it but just wanted to. I wondered if I could. Then I found I couldn't let go. That evening ended with us agreeing that our friendship was an important thing. We wanted to commit for life. In the asexual community we don't form relationships lightly. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life with a person, there's no reason to make such a special commitment. When we announced our engagement, our families were happy for us, and our friends in the asexual community were particularly pleased. On our wedding night, my mother-in-law insisted on booking us into a honeymoon suite, so we invited all our friends to an after party. We played Scrabble late into the night and everyone stayed over and slept on the hotel-room floor. People always ask how our marriage is different from just being friends, but I think a lot of relationships are about that - being friends. We have built on our friendship, rather than scrapping it and moving on somewhere else. The obvious way we differ is that we don't have sex, though we do kiss and cuddle. We like to joke that the longer we're married the less unusual this is. By the time we've been married five years we'll be just like everyone else. Do I feel as if I'm missing out on something? Not really. We've decided that if either of us wants to try sex out in the future then we will see what we can do. We would both be willing to compromise because we're in a relationship and that's what you do. When it comes to the future and to children, we're big advocates of adoption. We're not so fussed about passing on our own genes. Right now we're quite happy with what we've got. After moving around so much, I can say now that wherever Amanda is - that's home. ยท Paul Cox was interviewed by Bridget O'Donnell. Some names have been changed. Link to post Share on other sites
Mad Larkin Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Really good article it reads well and comes over in a very positive way. Link to post Share on other sites
Hu Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Hi folks, that was me. The writer was excellent and I'm quite happy with how it came out. Anyone who was at the London meetup on Farringdon Road at the start of the year, this was the reporter who dropped into the pub-- that particular piece never made it, but she contacted me again recently to do a very, very long interview for this one. It's running today (Monday) across two full pages of the Guardian's G2 magazine, if anyone wants to pick up a physical copy. Link to post Share on other sites
endplusone Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Great article! I really enjoyed reading that. Link to post Share on other sites
Jean Grey Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 Hi folks, that was me. The writer was excellent and I'm quite happy with how it came out. Anyone who was at the London meetup on Farringdon Road at the start of the year, this was the reporter who dropped into the pub-- that particular piece never made it, but she contacted me again recently to do a very, very long interview for this one.It's running today (Monday) across two full pages of the Guardian's G2 magazine, if anyone wants to pick up a physical copy. Great job, Hu!!! It was quite the shock to see you and winter first thing in the morning! :D Now every Guardian reader knows about asexuality. It's also got a great spot on the homepage, so there is no way that anybody could not see it (especially because of that amazing photo!). Link to post Share on other sites
Tanwen Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Good article, Hu. Pity I had to miss the meet you and Winter attended...I'v met you separately would have been lovely to see you together. Tan Link to post Share on other sites
Nalle Neversure Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 It's running today (Monday) across two full pages of the Guardian's G2 magazine, if anyone wants to pick up a physical copy. Anyone wants! I'll walk to buy it when my lovely internet crashes again in half an hour or so. :D EDIT a few hours later: I have the paper now. Really nice article! :cake: And I haven't met Winter. :( Met Hu in last December meet. Any chance you'd appear at London meet in October? Link to post Share on other sites
bearded Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 a great article in my favourite newspaper! Link to post Share on other sites
ryan10242 Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Great! I've already seen one new member inspired by the article! A very good article to a wide audience. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Fosco Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 That was a really fantastic article. That's going to help alot of people! :) :cake: Link to post Share on other sites
purissimus Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 That's a great article. ^_^ I've read it before, and it has helped a lot of people. A few new members on AVEN have actually been referred here by that very article, which is pretty amazing in my opinion. :D Link to post Share on other sites
DougN Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 This is an excellent article... What a beautiful story. I hope I am so lucky as to find a partner someday. And the photo is gorgeous. Link to post Share on other sites
Parth Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Anyone who was at the London meetup on Farringdon Road at the start of the year, this was the reporter who dropped into the pub-- that particular piece never made it, but she contacted me again recently to do a very, very long interview for this one. Didn't see this till now, but wow - that meetup was ages ago! It's sweet that something positive came of it. :D Also - awesome photo Paul! Link to post Share on other sites
Shaggy Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Hi folks, that was me. The writer was excellent and I'm quite happy with how it came out. Anyone who was at the London meetup on Farringdon Road at the start of the year, this was the reporter who dropped into the pub-- that particular piece never made it, but she contacted me again recently to do a very, very long interview for this one.It's running today (Monday) across two full pages of the Guardian's G2 magazine, if anyone wants to pick up a physical copy. Yep, I read that article on the web ... And because of that ... Now I'm here ... Thanks Hu ... Link to post Share on other sites
Melon Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Hi folks, that was me. The writer was excellent and I'm quite happy with how it came out. Anyone who was at the London meetup on Farringdon Road at the start of the year, this was the reporter who dropped into the pub-- that particular piece never made it, but she contacted me again recently to do a very, very long interview for this one.It's running today (Monday) across two full pages of the Guardian's G2 magazine, if anyone wants to pick up a physical copy. Well thank you and your wife a thousand times. I arrived here because of that article. I had never heard of asexuality before then. Finding this place has changed my life. And greatly helped my marriage. So your openess as a couple had a profound effect on at least two people's lives, and I guess many many more.. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EGD Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 That's going to help alot of people! :) Yep, I read that article on the web ...And because of that ... Now I'm here ... Thanks Hu ... OMG Shag, that's how you found AVEN?!! *doesn't want to imagine what AVEN would be like without Shaggy* *FEELS A BIT EMOTIONAL AND RUNS UP AND BEAR HUGS SHAGGY's ASS* Link to post Share on other sites
Shaggy Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 That's going to help alot of people! :) Yep, I read that article on the web ...And because of that ... Now I'm here ... Thanks Hu ... OMG Shag, that's how you found AVEN?!! *doesn't want to imagine what AVEN would be like without Shaggy* *FEELS A BIT EMOTIONAL AND RUNS UP AND BEAR HUGS SHAGGY's ASS* Awww, ... you is such a sweetie PG *shuffles feeties* ... thank-you. :) And you should see my Ass !!! He's shuffling all four feeties and blushing so hard, as to make even Fosco proud. :D (Folk should Hug Asses more often ... IMO ) :lol: Link to post Share on other sites
Guest member25959 Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Well, its getting the message across to people Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EGD Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 And you should see my Ass !!!He's shuffling all four feeties and blushing so hard, as to make even Fosco proud. :D (Folk should Hug Asses more often ... IMO ) :lol: I would totally hug a bear ass. I however would not hug a bare ass. *hopes this makes sense* OMG and about the blushing. Two peeps listed me this weekend on a certain list, and the two each have a blushy emoticon with it. BOTH HAVE BLUSHIES. To topi it off, probably neither is from FOSCO. *laughs and makes hyper ABJ face* :o Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Fosco Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 I can;t imagine AVEN without Shaggy. Or as I like to call it: The Dark Days. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest (?) Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 What I liked about it was the picture..two good looking people who seemed on appearance to be okay In the old days fat women who looked butch with short hair were stereo typed as lezza's (mostly) and then it became clear that lezza's are indeed many people as in they are a cross section of society so to see a young good looking couple I feels throws the stereo types sometimes given to Asexuals of geeky ugly mingers who say they are Asexual to hide the fact they can't get a partner The more Asexuality can be seen as people who just happen to be Asexual so have the same day in day out dilema's, lifestyles, jobs,bills, problems etc etc as Sexuals then I feel it can only be seen as a positive in that respect the article was brilliant Link to post Share on other sites
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