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New Zealand Sunday Star Times article


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A newspaper article featuring interviews with New Zealand asexuals.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/sundaystartimes/4574830a19799.html

Cheers

Chris




2014 Mod Edit - For future reference:


The asexual revolution

Last updated 16:59 06/06/2008

Melissa Sinclair lives in Christchurch, she is in her 30s, works as a biologist and has never had sex. Six months ago Wellingtonian Chris Coles had sex for the first time.

The 41-year-old tried it, he says, out of intellectual curiosity. And it was everything he dreamed it would be - "repulsive". Susan Matthews quit having sex five years ago because she found it "too unpleasant" and since then has given birth to her daughter through donor insemination. And when Annie Boland from the Waikato used to do it she would "lie back and think of England - I just don't get it". None of these people plans to ever have sex again. They call themselves asexual and say they experience no sexual attraction to either males or females. They consider their indifference - or for some, aversion - toward sex neither a problem nor a pathology, rather just another alternative on the sexuality spectrum. They are not straight, gay or bisexual - they are the Fourth Way. Being asexual is their sexual orientation.

"I can understand why people would think it was insane," says Boland, who is in her 30s. "It's not, evolutionarily speaking, a good idea." She has had relationships with men but says they tended to end because of her lack of interest in sex. "I gradually made more and more excuses not to have sex and the other half gradually got sick of it, and fair enough." Boland first came across the term "asexual" in a New Scientist article around four years ago; "I suddenly thought, God, that's me! Before then I thought I was a wee bit weird; all my friends were going out and hooking up with guys left, right and centre and I just wasn't at all interested."

It was a huge relief, she says, to know that there were other people who felt the way she did.

Thirty-eight-year-old Matthews, from Wellington, assumed that there was something wrong with her until a family member showed her a newspaper article about asexuality.

"I wasn't interested in sex, didn't want it, didn't like it and thought I had to fix it." She had had six long-term relationships. "It was mainly men but then I did try a woman in case that was going to make all the difference. But I didn't want sex with her either! It was quite disappointing, actually;
I thought that might be the answer."

Before Matthews came across the term asexuality she had already decided she wasn't going to attempt another sexual relationship. "I had given it a good chance and I'd had good partners, nice people. But I thought, I am not going there again - there is a lot of pressure, a lot of guilt. It's really tricky."

When Sinclair was younger she went to a medical school library to see if she could find answers to why, unlike her peers, she felt no sexual desire. Nothing she read seemed to fit her experience. "I was healthy in every other way," she says. "There was nothing at all in my past that could suggest that something might have caused it and I didn't have these other symptoms that were listed, like a hormone imbalance - none of that remotely applied. I thought about going to the doctor but I realised that I didn't actually want them to do anything to me. I didn't want to be cured or have loads of potentially damaging physiological tests. I decided, given that I didn't
want to change, I just wanted to understand myself."

Then in 2004 she read about asexuality. "It just clicked: ‘That's exactly the way I feel.' Until then obviously I had known I was different to everybody else but I had no way of describing it."


This is not an easy era in which to be asexual. Previous generations fought for the right to talk about sex, to have it outside of wedlock, with contraception, without guilt, with whichever gender they chose in whatever combination. But today, opting not to have sex at all with anyone is possibly a harder - and lonelier - road than any other.

"It is only because sexual identity has become such an important part of our culture," says Sinclair, "that the need for recognition of asexuality has arisen. It is assumed that everyone is heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual, so in not relating to any of these labels, I felt I was somehow separated from the rest of humanity. That might sound dramatic, but at bad moments it really did feel like that. If no one else discussed their sexuality in these terms we might be able to just live as asexuals without needing a word to talk about it. Given that they do, we need another label for the categorisation to be complete."

Chris Coles, a community support worker, was the only person interviewed for this story who was prepared to use his real name. He has become the unofficial asexuality ambassador in New Zealand (although author Keri Hulme could give him a run for his money). A newspaper has published photographs of him complete with a ‘don't come hither' expression on his face. He started the
club, printed the pamphlet, designed the T-shirt and in March, handed out
A-shaped cheese straws at a stall at Wellington's Gay And Lesbian Fair.

He was a 10-year-old living in England when he first heard about sex. He recalls having "a very clear feeling that wasn't something I'd be concerning myself about".
A few years later puberty hit. "People were having crushes on people and talking about sex all the time, falling in and out of love, lusting after people and putting pin-ups on their bedroom walls. And I was just going, ‘What are you guys all doing? It doesn't make any sense.' I remember copping a bit of stick for that and getting into quite a few arguments. People would say, ‘Don't be stupid, Chris; you haven't met the right person. You are only going to have
to wait a little bit and it will all make sense.'" It never did. Later, while
studying biology at university in the 1980s, he came across the word ‘asexual' for the first time (in the context of single-celled organisms that reproduce without sex) and decided that's how he would describe himself. But because no one knew what he meant, he began to tell people he was celibate, and then frigid. It wasn't until four years ago that he heard the term ‘asexual' again - this time in reference to another person.

Inspired to find out more, Coles did some research and discovered the website AVEN (Asexuality Visibility and Education Network). Founded in 2001 by young American asexual David Jay, AVEN quickly became the virtual epicentre for the asexual community (there are more than 22,000 registered users globally). Says Coles: "Up until that point I thought I was the only person on the planet that felt the way I did, so it was a real defining moment - ‘I'm not this creep, I'm not just a one-off'. That was immensely comforting."

In 2005 Coles launched Asexuality Aotearoa NZ (AANZ). There are 12 people on the mailing list and the website gets about 20 visitors a day. He says he wants to see asexuality enjoy the same kind of visibility as the gay community but admits it's been a slow climb. "In the early days I thought it would parallel the gay and lesbian movement and that in five to 10 years' time there'd be asexual bars and all the rest of it. But I think the asexual population is a very different kettle of fish."

Everyone interviewed for this story said they wished there was greater awareness around asexuality. However, all but Coles wanted to remain anonymous because either they hadn't yet "come out" to their family or friends, or they just didn't want to have to explain what being asexual means. For some, the topic of conversation has simply never arisen. Says Matthews: "If you are in a gay relationship, that gives you a reason to come out, but if you are asexual you just look like a single person; it sort of doesn't come up." However, all said that if someone asked them if they were asexual they'd say yes.

While the asexual revolution might be slow in announcing its arrival in New Zealand, elsewhere it is gathering momentum. In addition to AVEN, there are a number of other online communities such as Haven for the Human Amoeba,
A-Positive and A-Date ("a unique dating site for asexual people"). Websites host forums, post "coming out" stories and sell A-Pride products with jaunty slogans: "Asexuals Party Hardest", and "Asexuality: It's not just for Amoebas any more".

"Sexuals" who are perplexed - no, incredulous - at the notion that someone doesn't want to have sex like to suggest helpful explanations as to why asexuals are the way they are: "You haven't met the right person yet", "You're a late bloomer", "It's a phase"; and then there are the allusions to sexual abuse that asexuals frequently hear. Diagnoses of sexual aversion disorder (where a person might suffer from anxiety or panic attacks in a sexual situation) and hypoactive sexual desire disorder (low or no interest in sex with no known cause for the condition) have been offered up too, but neither of these encompass an asexual person's experience.

The key difference is that, by definition, people with either of those disorders want to change and improve their experience of sex. Often they previously had a libido which has gone into hiding. Asexuals have never had a libido to start with and - to the bewilderment of their friends, family and society in general - they don't want one. Asexuals take issue with the assumption asexuality is a problem that can and should be fixed. Says Sinclair:
"To me it seems very natural - given that human beings are so complicated and sexuality is such a complicated aspect of their behaviour and emotions - that some people would have something in their make-up which means they're different. And then the question is; ‘Do you see that as a problem or not?' If society is at a point where it thinks of homosexuality as a perfectly okay variation, then I don't see why asexuality shouldn't be considered the same way."

As for the suggestion that she must have experienced some kind of sexual trauma, she says: "If I had a reason like that to explain the way I am I'd have leapt at it; it was the total absence of any explanation that was the problem."

Before learning about asexuality, Matthews went to see a counsellor.
"She never gave me the word ‘asexuality'. It would have been useful if she
had so I could have gone and looked it up." A member of AANZ since it formed, Matthews says they have since written to all the sex counsellors in New Zealand with information about asexuality, "trying to encourage them to
present people with that word as an option".

Director of Sex Therapy New Zealand and Sunday columnist Robyn Salisbury says that if a person comes to see her with characteristics of someone who might identify as being asexual, she will introduce the concept of asexuality. "We like to give our clients all of the resources that we can. We were aware, before that letter came around, of the term ‘asexuality', and the website and the support available through that in New Zealand."

However, she counters, she has had clients who initially presented themselves as being asexual but, after working with them to explore their beliefs about sexuality and the factors that have shaped those beliefs, they discover interest in becoming a sexual being.

"I see our sexuality as a basic force of energy - why would we deny that or live without discovering it? I think we can enjoy all of our appetites and the energy and pleasures that arise from them, if we don't have distorted understandings about what we are meant to do with them." Salisbury remains undecided about "whether asexuality has to be - whether people can't have a choice about being sexual or being asexual".


Researchers in human sexuality have been aware of an asexual element in the population since at least the 1940s. However, it has largely been ignored and little research has been done. While father of sexology Alfred Kinsey acknowledged the existence of asexuals, his Kinsey scale of sexual orientation comprised a single axis, with heterosexuality on one end, homosexuality on the other and bisexuality in between, leaving no place for asexuality.

In the early 90s, driven by the need for sexual information in the wake of the Aids epidemic, a
UK research team conducted a comprehensive survey
of 18,876 British residents. The survey included a question on sexual attraction, to which one percent of respondents replied that they had "never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all".

Intrigued by the significant statistic, Canadian sexuality researcher Dr Anthony Bogaert took a closer look at this demographic. He found that 44 percent of those expressing no interest in sex were either married or living with partners or had been in the past. Bogaert's re-analysis of the British study and the one percent statistic is the figure most frequently bandied about among asexuals and, assuming it holds true, the world population of asexual people would be more than 60 million.


The asexual community is highly diverse; each asexual person experiences relationships, attraction, and (in some cases) arousal differently. Even the term asexual doesn't satisfy everyone; some like to be called "non-sexual", others prefer "anti-sexual" and a few refer to themselves as "amoebas". There are those who find the idea of sex intolerable, while others are entirely neutral, if not a little puzzled by all the fuss. A poll on the AVEN website suggests about 70 percent of asexuals feel "indifferent", while 30 percent are "repulsed". Some asexuals claim to have never experienced sexual arousal, while others do, and masturbate, though they say when they do it's not something they associate with partnered sexuality. Many wish to form emotional romantic relationships with other asexuals and identify as being hetero-romantic, homo-romantic or bi-romantic, depending on which gender they are attracted to. It's thought about 80 percent of asexuals are romantic.

Boland and Matthews say they are "hetero-romantic asexuals" and both are looking to have a romantic relationship with another asexual person. Boland hopes one day to find a soul mate, someone to share her home and life with.
"I would like to think that is entirely possible, as long as it's with another asexual person, otherwise it is really unfair on the sexual person."

For Matthews, a romantic asexual relationship "entails everything a sexual romantic relationship does except genital contact". She enjoys hugging and caressing. And the romantic asexual dating scene out there? She laughs. "It's real grim! There is an asexual global dating site but there are only, like, 50 people on it. I don't think there is anyone in New Zealand on it and there is one person in Australia who is over 50 or something. It is just hopeless - hopeless enough that I'm probably going to have to move countries." Matthews plans to explain her asexuality to her daughter, conceived using a donor's sperm, once she is old enough. "I will be completely open about it."

Both Coles, who has lots of friends and is averse to sex, and Sinclair, who
has few friends and feels indifferent toward sex, call themselves "aromantic asexuals". This means they do not experience sexual attraction and nor are they interested in any kind of romantic relationship. Neither enjoys physical touch.
Says Coles: "This can sound quite shocking to some people, but if I never touched another person, or I was never touched again, it wouldn't really make
a lot of difference to me."

In a world where sex is sold for money and lust can be bought in a pill, and skin is the preferred billboard, being asexual must be hard. Infuriating, even. "Sex and sexual relations are incredibly important for the vast majority," says Coles, "but I do think they're overexposed, principally through advertising. Sex is attached to racing cars, toilet rolls, cigarettes; practically everything. The saturation, the primacy and the status it's given really annoys me. It really rips my nightie."

Boland agrees. "The thought that ‘not being interested in sex is an option' is just not there." But does she feel like she is missing out? "You can't miss out on something if you don't have the desire for it."

To most of us, it's not inconceivable that a happy existence is possible even if it's devoid of sexual intimacy. But what of a life without romance? To never know the feeling of butterflies in your stomach, of flirting, of falling in love? A world where romance is a language everyone speaks but you. How desperately lonely. "But it would be absurd," says Sinclair, "for me to get involved in relationships that I wasn't happy with and to live my life in a false way just because I was afraid of dying on my own."

It is the pervasiveness of romantic love that she finds most alienating. "It is the focus of so much music, literature and film. I generally avoid films that are primarily romance stories, only seeing the ‘must-see' ones so I know what other people are talking about. I read very little fiction and I rarely listen to music with English lyrics. The theme of romantic love is so prevalent, in one form or another, that I prefer to avoid these constant reminders that I am not driven by the same fundamental emotions as most of humanity." But there's a bright side to all this too. "I can also see I'm not suffering with all the bad things that go along with relationships breaking up. Rather than have highs and lows I just sort of cruise along in the middle. I can easily rationalise that I am in a lucky position."

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Good article.

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Dame du Lac

Ditto. It seem to cover all the bases and was down to earth and accepting.

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"I generally avoid films that are primarily romance stories, only seeing the ‘must-see' ones so I know what other people are talking about. I read very little fiction and I rarely listen to music with English lyrics. The theme of romantic love is so prevalent, in one form or another, that I prefer to avoid these constant reminders that I am not driven by the same fundamental emotions as most of humanity."

Wow, sounds like me!!

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