What planet am I on? Someone remind me.

[lastditchattempt]

Ok, so I've been the picture of support for my partner, who either is or isn't asexual, she doesn't want to commit to anything and doesn't have to. At any rate, I am not going to lie, I need to have physical intimacy to be satisfied in a relationship. So sue me, I'd be willing to argue that I am NOT the first person on the planet to feel that need. At any rate, she is definitely romantic and isn't at all repulsed by sex, but that doesn't make a difference to me because I don't want anyone to play the role of a martyr by having sex with me.

Last night we were cleaning up a bit, and I mentioned I wanted to see if I could give these melting soy massage candles to a friend. Then she said in her typical kind way, "I could use them on you." So I just sort of snapped back that I didn't want to make her do something she didn't want to do.

Then we were laying in bed and I couldn't help but think how incredibly twisted this feels. I am 24 years old, LIVING with my partner of over a year, and I feel like a 12 year old boy who is wanting to get the pants off his 12 year old girlfriend. What the heck? We are adults for Christ sakes.

I have these two trains of thought, one being logical and one being emotional. Logically, I know that people are asexual, asexuality is real, and that people who identify as asexual should be given respect and awareness should be made. But then emotionally, I just get irritated by it all because it has put a wall up in a relationship that means a lot to me.

Anyway, this sucks.

[Olivier]

Yep, it sucks. And I think it's an easy trap to fall into to see your asexual partner as childish, however unfair that is. Something that I think is hard to explain to asexuals is how sex creates intimacy for sexuals. But it's easier, in my experience, to explain how sexual rejection damages feelings of intimacy and solidarity.

You should also be wary of getting into a negative spiral with things like this:

Last night we were cleaning up a bit, and I mentioned I wanted to see if I could give these melting soy massage candles to a friend. Then she said in her typical kind way, "I could use them on you." So I just sort of snapped back that I didn't want to make her do something she didn't want to do.

If your girlfriend is willing to give you occasional sex, or join you in mildly sexual experiences, and you snap at her, then she may end up like my wife and think that it's just impossible to satisfy you. To her mind it may be a case of "Whatever I offer, you just want more than I can give". At this point, giving a little can seem as much of a hassle as giving nothing.

And it's hard to talk your way out of that hole, because the nature of compromise is that you will always want more and she will always want less, unless you can find a win/win solution where you both feel like you are getting want you want.

[possible TMI] To be blunt, this often comes down to sexual encounters where the asexual partner gives and receives as much as they are comfortable with, and the sexual partner reciprocates those activities while masturbating. And that doesn't have to be a bad thing, it can be fun for both partners if you make it fun.[/TMI]

Anyway, best of luck. You sound like a very loving woman - hopefully your partner can see that, too.

[asexual1976]

I understand how you fell. Well maybe I don’t fully understand but I can empathize.

I seems like you really love your girlfriend and it breaks your heart that she doesn’t want to be sexually intimate with you.

In the long run you are going to have to make a choice : Either accept having no or only small quantities of sex, or break up and find a more sexually compatible person. I know this is hard, because you may love her. But in the end you’ll have to make that decision for yourself based you what you think you can handle and live with.

Sometimes life sucks…..

[Olivier]

In the long run you are going to have to make a choice : Either accept having no or only small quantities of sex, or break up and find a more sexually compatible person.

I agree, with the proviso that you might also get more sex than just a little, if your partner becomes comfortable with that. But the first step for that to happen is still to accept that little or no sex is what you might get. As long as you don't accept that, your partner will feel pressured - as if she "owes" you something - and she'll be getting that idea from you.

Now it can seem dishonest to yourself to accept little or no sex, but there's a difference between wanting more and expecting more. You will probably always want more, and I wouldn't advise trying to change that - been there, done that, and it hurt.

[lastditchattempt]

The thing is, I don't want any pity sex or martyr sex, or "I'm doing a huge favor to you by touching your ewwy gooey human body genitals" kind of sex. I want... NORMAL sex :(

[M51]

When an asexual freely chooses to give a sexual partner sex, it is not pity sex or martyr sex.

And just as you cannot keep tabs and make your partner like she owes you sex, she should not keep tabs and make you feel like you owe her something for sex. That sort of tit for tat will NEVER break even for either of you.

[Olivier]

The thing is, I don't want any pity sex or martyr sex, or "I'm doing a huge favor to you by touching your ewwy gooey human body genitals" kind of sex. I want... NORMAL sex :(

Absolutely. I refuse that kind of sex outright now. I haven't always, but accepting it was a real lose/lose.

What I was suggesting is, for us, not pity sex. It's fun for both of us, and for my wife knowing that she can go 80% of the way towards "normal" sex, and we have a way of me not ending up more frustrated, but instead getting all the usual "afterglow" is good for both of us. Sure it's not the sex I'd usually have with a partner who was sexual, but I don't have a partner who is sexual, and I don't want a different partner, so it's a bit beside the point.

[Olivier]

When an asexual freely chooses to give a sexual partner sex, it is not pity sex or martyr sex.

Well not always: an asexual can choose to give their partner pity sex. And they can even get pissed off that their partner refuses to accept it. Been there. :(

[Chiaroscuro]

an asexual can choose to give their partner pity sex. And they can even get pissed off that their partner refuses to accept it. Been there. :(

Ha ha! So very true, me too!

I know what you're saying though, Em. When an asexual FREELY chooses to have sex it's not martyr sex. But that's not always easy to achieve (or perceive, from the sexual's pov), in a relationship where sex has become a loaded issue.

-Chiaroscuro

[cijay]

Ok, so I've been the picture of support for my partner, who either is or isn't asexual, she doesn't want to commit to anything and doesn't have to. At any rate, I am not going to lie, I need to have physical intimacy to be satisfied in a relationship. So sue me, I'd be willing to argue that I am NOT the first person on the planet to feel that need. At any rate, she is definitely romantic and isn't at all repulsed by sex, but that doesn't make a difference to me because I don't want anyone to play the role of a martyr by having sex with me.

Last night we were cleaning up a bit, and I mentioned I wanted to see if I could give these melting soy massage candles to a friend. Then she said in her typical kind way, "I could use them on you." So I just sort of snapped back that I didn't want to make her do something she didn't want to do.

Then we were laying in bed and I couldn't help but think how incredibly twisted this feels. I am 24 years old, LIVING with my partner of over a year, and I feel like a 12 year old boy who is wanting to get the pants off his 12 year old girlfriend. What the heck? We are adults for Christ sakes.

I have these two trains of thought, one being logical and one being emotional. Logically, I know that people are asexual, asexuality is real, and that people who identify as asexual should be given respect and awareness should be made. But then emotionally, I just get irritated by it all because it has put a wall up in a relationship that means a lot to me.

Anyway, this sucks.

Yes, it does suck that the wall has to go up just because one person wants sex and the other doesn't, especially since both is natural. It's decision time.