Grey-A

[Grey-A]

Hello everyone,

As my username suggests I'm kind of in the grey-A area of asexuality. Or at least that’s the conclusion I've come to thus far... (For a in depth rant read as follows, and to get to the point of this post skip to the end :roll: )

I find my sexuality to be very confusing, even though its clear I'm not a true asexual as I have sexual thoughts, I've had a lot of trouble with actual sexual activities, although, I confess also little experience. This is why whenever I talk about asexual feelings on other sites people instantly tell me that either I'm not ready for sex yet, or worse that I should forget about all my 'uncomfortableness' and just jump in there.

I've often come to this site to read up on asexuality and see how other people are coping with similar feelings, and I have to say that this is the most welcoming and accepting message board/ website I have ever visited. Most websites are packed with people who are quick to attack you for your differences in lifestyle or opinions. But the world is not black and white. We can't all be put into neat little boxes or follow what is 'normal'. The world is shades of grey and pretty much every area of life seems to turn out grey for me, not least my sexuality. I really don't know where I fit in. After reading some more, I'd guess I fall into a hyposexual group, which is worse in some ways as its only going to confirm peoples beliefs that I have a medical problem. Maybe I do, I don't know... But to me it seems it would be scary to feel such sexual urges as some sexuals describe. So in that way I'm happy to be Grey-A... its not clear cut... but neither am I, so I guess its the best description I'm going to get.

But I really feel at home here! So I just wanted to thank all you guys out there for being so understanding of every one you meet on here!

My apologies for the waffle content of this post.... :roll: Guess I just needed a bit of rant. :oops:

But also I wondered what you guys thought of Grey-As and whether there were any others here that can identify with this 'mixed up feelings' so to speak.. :roll:

Thanks in advance for any responses. 8)

[newgirl]

Hello,

I don't know if i can relate to you but i'm a gray asexual virgin female in my late 30's. My story is I don't have a problem talking or maybe engaging in outercourse or intercourse but i just don't feel the need to act out sexually right now in my life. I love engaging in cybersex,watching porn, watching people have sex,reading erotica novels,getting arousel but i just don' feel the need to have intercourse.

What else can i say about me but dating is a big problem for me because i'm a voyeur when it comes to sex and most men want physical sex from me.I also don't relate to some asexual men because i want to talk about sex and maybe engage in outercourse (no oral or intercourse) but most asexual don't.

My advice to you and other asexual who post on sexual message board,Don't!!!.Most sexual people don't understand virgins and asexual not engaging in sex.

[KetchupKid]

I could be considered grey asexual, though I'm not altogether happy with the term, but then again no label satisfies me.

Basically it comes down to this - in theory I am sexual, because I not only have sexual fantasies but believe I have the capacity to desire sex with a real person. However, in practice I am more like an asexual. Which doesn't mean I'm not having sex simply because I "can't get any" or because I've made some stance or am scared (though sex does scare me). It simply means that in practice, with possibly one exception, I haven't wanted sex with anyone.

The world is shades of grey and pretty much every area of life seems to turn out grey for me, not least my sexuality.

Likewise.

[Grey-A]

Firstly, many thanks for the responses!

I guess I'm a bit like you KetchupKid (cool name btw! 8) ). Although, I'm still a little confused with my sexuality as I can't deny I have sexual fantasies and do experience some level of sexual attraction, but when it comes to real sexual activities I'm not comfortable at all, or at least I haven't been so far. :? Also there seems to be a difference between how I feel about sex depending on whether its a completely fantasy-based (imaginary) experience, or whether its real and/or could easily happen. Bizarre :shock: .

I'm almost 22 and still a virgin, so whether this is something I will 'mature' out off (so to speak) I don't know. I feel like I probably wont. But everyone on other forums insist that I will, and worse that I should just 'get over my self'. I think you're right Newgirl, it is a bad idea posting about that sort of thing on forums with mostly sexuals.

When it comes to sexuality everything seems to be black and white for some people. But to me sexuality is a spectrum, just like other emotions (i.e. you can be a little bit happy to ecstatically happy, and from a little down to extremely depressed/ suicidal etc...). When I try and explain this theory most people don’t listen… I guess they all think I'm a nut. :roll: And I don't even like nuts! :D

I guess I just want people to understand how I feel, but everyone I meet (especially online) seems to be sex obsessed… A lot of people I meet even enforce the part-taking in sex as a “absolute requirement in any relationship”. Which of course is not true, it just depends on the individuals involved.

It just saddens me really that our whole culture seems to put so much emphasis on sex and that to be happy you have to "have a good sex-life..." :(

I think maybe under the right circumstances I'd be ok with sex (maybe), but I think I'd have to really trust the person and be really comfortable with them...... and as most people seem to expect you to have sex at least by the 1st or 2nd month of dating (maybe even after a few days!! :shock: ) that doesn't leave nearly enough time....

[newgirl]

Grey-A,

This board is the perfect place for virgins in general and asexual virgins to speak without sexually active people saying we HAVE to have sex.

Grey-A this board understand you so you are not alone and you are not nuts. :D

[Grey-A]

Thanks Newgirl! :D

Yeah, I do feel much more at home here! And thanks so much for making me feel so welcome! :D I think cake is the customary thank you here is it? :D

I do feel more at home here than any other site... However, it did cross my mind that as I can't deny the sexual part of me... but yet feel so uncomfortable with sexual situations.... that I'd never fit in anywhere... I'd probably be lying if I pretended I was a true A, but I'm definitely not like most sexuals either... so where does that leave me? Nowhere land really. :? :roll:

I suppose I must be sexual, but doesn't that then suggest my incredibly low sex drive /uncomfortable-ness with sexual activities is indicative of some unresolved psychological or medical problem? (Not that I think that is the case... I guess it depends whether I’m happy with who I am, and I am most of the time, just sometimes it can be very confusing :?)

I guess sometimes I just wish I was either one or the other then it would be easier to know what to do. :?

[newgirl]

Grey-A,

I'm caught in the middle too,i'm not 100% asexual or sexual either.I think of myself as a sexual voyeur.I love watching people have sex and maybe one day engage in sex but sex doesn't rule my world. I don't feel like a odd ball i just wish more men over 35 understood me more

[mystified31]

I think maybe under the right circumstances I'd be ok with sex (maybe), but I think I'd have to really trust the person and be really comfortable with them...... and as most people seem to expect you to have sex at least by the 1st or 2nd month of dating (maybe even after a few days!! :shock: ) that doesn't leave nearly enough time....

Well, you've pretty much summed up how I feel about it, so you're definitely not the only one! I'm also a virgin, but it doesn't really bother me now I've found AVEN. As newgirl says, this is a great place to be and I've felt very comfortable posting here without feeling as if I was going to get second-guessed.

If you're not totally sure about yourself, then the best advice I can offer is to try keep an open mind and just go with whatever feels comfortable for you. Don't feel any pressure to conform to one label or another and if you have any questions feel free to post on AVEN and see what info you get. Everyone's very friendly here! :D

[petitefleur]

Welcome Grey-A !

I'm probably a grey-A too. I'm ok with it as I am not looking for identity or any kind of label.

I am glad that I have found AVEN, glad to see not everybody is interested in sex. The society is so obsessed with sex, it's crazy :x

I'm tired of magazines (always talk about sex life...), TV and ads (always sex inspired...), tired of all that fuss about sex. I hate the society. If you don't have a sex life, you are immediately mocked or judged.

I think I'd be ok with sex in a solid/meaningful relationship based on deep love... But I'm single.

I have the right to enjoy my life as a single without having people telling me that my life is incomplete, don't I?

AVEN is cool 8)

[Peach]

help, what does grey-a actually mean? sorry if i'm being ignorant but i'm new here and still don't know the definitions of some things. could someone help me out? i'd be grateful :)

[petitefleur]

Grey area of asexuality... i.e. we are not sure whether we are entirely asexual or sexual with a low sex drive (hyposexual).

[Peach]

Grey area of asexuality... i.e. we are not sure whether we are entirely asexual or sexual with a low sex drive (hyposexual).

thankyou! that has helped :) and even better it happens to describe me perfectly, so i now know how to class my self.

[newgirl]

grey asexual (wiki)

# people who do not normally experience sexual attraction, but do experience it sometimes

# people who experience sexual attraction, but a low sex drive

# people who are technically sexual, but feel that it's not an important part of their lives and don't identify with standard sexual culture

# people who experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them

# people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances

# people who experience some parts of sexuality but not others,

[Grey-A]

Thanks for all the responses!!

Welcome Grey-A !

I am glad that I have found AVEN, glad to see not everybody is interested in sex. The society is so obsessed with sex, it's crazy :x

I'm tired of magazines (always talk about sex life...), TV and ads (always sex inspired...), tired of all that fuss about sex. I hate the society. If you don't have a sex life, you are immediately mocked or judged.

I think I'd be ok with sex in a solid/meaningful relationship based on deep love... But I'm single.

I have the right to enjoy my life as a single without having people telling me that my life is incomplete, don't I?

AVEN is cool 8)

Yeah, I feel the same way Petitefleur, I just want some time to really get to know someone and feel safe around them before I even consider sex. But even 5 or 6 months seems to be too much to ask of most sexuals, and it really takes longer than that to form a deep and meaningful relationship.

Also I completely agree with you Petitefleur, the world does seem to be completely sex obsessed at times... :roll: And AVEN is indeed cool... I'm so glad this place exists! It'd be so tough for people like us without it.... some sexuals can be really insistent on you having sex even though they don't even know you!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-sexual or anything and I know there are plenty are friendly and tolerant sexual people out there too... but some seem to see asexuality as a threat or something... no idea why... its not like we're trying to stop them having sex, so why would they been so keen to convert us to sex? Worried that they're going to run out of people to hit on? :roll:

Anyway, I’m just glad this place exists. :D

Thanks for the definitions of Grey-Asexuals Newgirl!

Just I'm not sure what is meant by -

# people who experience some parts of sexuality but not others,

I assume that means some one who is able to understand and enjoy some sexual activities and not others?? Or does it mean something completely different?

Thanks Again!! You're all so cool! 8) Thank you cake!

[tirragen]

Count me among those who are Grey-A. It's difficult to figure out your sexuality when the world wants to categorize it into neat little boxes. But I suppose it's the same way that we specify height, eye colour, hair colour. What one person defines as blue eyes may have hints of grey or green in them, and may even be called green by someone else.

In any case, I was among those who grew up with no interest in gaining boyfriends, talking about boys, going on dates, kissing. I'm in my late 20s, and never been kissed. The biggest compelling factor to test it out is solely because the social stigma of having not been kissed is pretty heavy. (Just think of the movie "Never Been Kissed" and the appalled expressions when they think Drew Barrymore's character is like 25 and never experienced it.) Let's just say it's not something I admit to generally because of the reaction it would undoubtedly garner.

I've don't think I've been repressed due to religious factors. I was raised with some background in christian-type beliefs, and I remember that dating was not really approved of unless one was married (and obviously sex was not either). But most of the girls my age dated in secret, and it was strange how EASY it was to not. I guess other things just seemed more interesting to me for most of my life.

I do find sex interesting and I feel I'm a lot more comfortable with it in my late 20s. Like some posters said above, I feel far more like a voyeur than interested in being a participant. I find the idea of sex sexy, and I like it well enough in a fictional sense, and I suppose certain body parts I consider hot. I don't think I've really fantasized myself participating in sex, and if I imagine it is usually other people and very rarely has any faces attached to them. Honestly, it is more the idea of touch and sensation than attraction for those participating in it... I wouldn't know how else to explain it exactly.

Still, it's hard to figure out if I'm just "repressed" or "inexperienced" or in fact, "asexual." I've had zero experience with boys or girls, but never felt compelled to seek it out. I sometimes feel it's insecurity. I've never felt confident about my looks, but then who doesn't feel unattractive at times? Honestly, I feel I could be perfectly content without ever having a relationship if I could be sure to (a) not be looked down by others in society and (B) not end up all alone without a best friend when I'm 80.

I've always been an introvert. I spend most time by myself and like it that way. But I like the idea of having other people around should I need them. Not so different from why I come here I guess as it's nice to know there are others who feel similarly to you even if it is not exactly the same.

[thewrll]

Hello,

I don't know if i can relate to you but i'm a gray asexual virgin female in my late 30's. My story is I don't have a problem talking or maybe engaging in outercourse or intercourse but i just don't feel the need to act out sexually right now in my life. I love engaging in cybersex,watching porn, watching people have sex,reading erotica novels,getting arousel but i just don' feel the need to have intercourse.

What else can i say about me but dating is a big problem for me because i'm a voyeur when it comes to sex and most men want physical sex from me.I also don't relate to some asexual men because i want to talk about sex and maybe engage in outercourse (no oral or intercourse) but most asexual don't.

If I did not have zero desire to have sex, date or marry you would be my perfect woman. But you are still the perect woman because of the first part and the voyeur which fits me to a tee.

. Yeah it kind of sounds now like im totally asexual I dont think I experience sexual attraction just physical attraction, and I only get turned on by the forbidden or weird or odd or different. I love porn and watching and being a voyeur but I dont have any desire to ever have sex so I dont know if the watching of porn counts me as grey.

[Callista]

It's a spectrum, I'm sure. I have sexual arousal, masturbate, and generally have all the physical signs of sexuality; but they've never attached themselves to a human being, nor do I want romance. So that would put me closer to 'sexual' than those who don't get aroused at all. But then there are those who want romance but don't have the physical component--where are they? at my level, just in a different way; or somewhere else?

If you define asexuality as "not desiring sexual intercourse with another person", then obviously both me and the romantic non-sexual person would be firmly asexual. Still, categories can get fuzzy sometimes; and maybe it's just better to say you're an individual and that's that. Categories are more of a way of making things easier to think about; they don't completely define the things within them. It's not a horrible thing to be a sexual person with a very weak sex drive; all it means is that you don't have that strong "identity" effect from obviously belonging to a category. People like to define themselves by the categories they fit into; I guess that makes it easier to figure out who you are. Still, isn't it more important that you are YOU... not some collection of categories?

[Cur1ous]

Hi Grey-A

There is a thriving 'gray' community on this website, and I am sure they will welcome you with open arms. However, the debate of whether being a 'gray' is the same as being an 'asexual' is still very much open.

The basic, cut and dried definition of an asexual (as you can see from the top of the page) is someone who "does not experience sexual attraction". Thusly, most grays are 'technically' sexuals, but either have a low sex drive, or no current desire to seek a sexual relationship.

I'm sorry to hear that you've experienced criticism on other boards for how you are - they obviously weren't supportive environments to be posting in. You've expressed some worries about whether your sex drive could potentially be some sort of medical problem, I would ask you - do you feel anxious by the fact that you have low sexual desire? If you do, then perhaps you should seek a medical opinion; but if not, then there is no problem.

At times it can seem as if the world is very 'sexcentric'; many things seem to revolve around relationships or sex, and at times this can be annoying, upsetting and/or frustrating. It is true that most people have been sexually active by (imo) a relatively early age - but just because you haven't doesn't mean you should.

I too am not sexually active, nor have ever had a relationship - although not for lack of trying, hence why I do not identify as gray - but I still hold similar morals to several people on here. I would never entertain the thought of sleeping with someone I did manage to have a relationship with until we had been together for at least 6 months, and I was completely sure I could trust them.

Just stay strong, and don't feel pressurised by people to things you do not want to do. At the end of the day, what you do in your life is your choice - and nobody else's.

[newgirl]

Hello,

I don't know if i can relate to you but i'm a gray asexual virgin female in my late 30's. My story is I don't have a problem talking or maybe engaging in outercourse or intercourse but i just don't feel the need to act out sexually right now in my life. I love engaging in cybersex,watching porn, watching people have sex,reading erotica novels,getting arousel but i just don' feel the need to have intercourse.

What else can i say about me but dating is a big problem for me because i'm a voyeur when it comes to sex and most men want physical sex from me.I also don't relate to some asexual men because i want to talk about sex and maybe engage in outercourse (no oral or intercourse) but most asexual don't.

If I did not have zero desire to have sex, date or marry you would be my perfect woman. But you are still the perect woman because of the first part and the voyeur which fits me to a tee.

. Yeah it kind of sounds now like im totally asexual I dont think I experience sexual attraction just physical attraction, and I only get turned on by the forbidden or weird or odd or different. I love porn and watching and being a voyeur but I dont have any desire to ever have sex so I dont know if the watching of porn counts me as grey.

thewllr,

I'm sure there is a woman out there for you but for me,i have given up on men.

[thewrll]

Im saying you are the perfect woman. The problem is im aromantic asexual so know why would I ever want a woman or man. Im just saying if I was sexual and you were sexual you would be perfect.